By Kunlere Idowu
***
1. It always comes to borrow from the clans
Men, women, girls and boys
But never with the hope of first returning what it owes
The rich merchant that never pays back its debts
Yes, death, like a swirling wind, can keep secrets within its bosom,
But for every secret it keeps safe in its vaults
It also keeps tucked away, forever,
A thousand stars underneath curtains of fiery dark clouds.
***
2. I have said it many times,
The thing that hurts most is not death itself
But the finality of its betrayals,
And the finality of the blows
It drives through the hearts of its victims
Tricking them into long sleeps as they take arcadian strolls
Beyond the boundaries of time
Into the bottomless pit of eternity.
***
3. For whatever death takes, it takes forever
Without looking back,
Without returning to mourn those whose flames it quenched
Without returning to mourn with families whose loved ones it snatched
Shame on you death,
The rich merchant that never pays back its debt.
***
Dedication:
To everyone who has ever lost a dear one.

This is beautifully layed out. Though I've not been one for poems, but I appreciate the artistry and play of words. This is a piece everybody can relate with, and it is as well easy to understand.

Kudos to u.

faites:
This is beautifully layed out. Though I've not been one for poems, but I appreciate the artistry and play of words. This is a piece everybody can relate with, and it is as well easy to understand.

Kudos to u.

Thank you very much for your kind words.

I don't see the point really, you liken death to a merchant and then you talk about not repaying debts... The metaphor doesn't fit. I see the parallel between death taking and giving nothing in return, and merchants who traditionally are supposed to be involved in equal trade but it's a bit convoluted.

Then you talk about secrets.

Then there's the random (but admittedly beautiful) imagery of stars under fiery clouds.

The second and third verses are a lot tighter and more cohesive, and overall your technical skill is excellent.

Very good read, sir.

FelasShirt:
I don't see the point really, you liken death to a merchant and then you talk about not repaying debts... The metaphor doesn't fit. I see the parallel between death taking and giving nothing in return, and merchants who traditionally are supposed to be involved in equal trade but it's a bit convoluted.

Then you talk about secrets.

Then there's the random (but admittedly beautiful) imagery of stars under fiery clouds.

The second and third verses are a lot tighter and more cohesive, and overall your technical skill is excellent.

Very good read, sir.

Thank you for the concise review. Your kind words are like drops of cold water on a hot, tasking afternoon.. The observations are well noted. Thank you.

On why I chose to liken death to a merchant who does not pay its debts-
In the poem, I considered death as a merchant, a skilled trader, and usually traders borrow to do business. Continuous cycles of borrowing and paying back keep everyone in business- the lender and the borrower, thus, the business is kept going.

But in death's case (the subject of the poem), although death is a well established merchant, a rich one at that (considering how many people it has over the millennial years borrowed from the various clans), it still refuses to pay back what it owes.

Perhaps I should have qualified so that is, "the rich merchant" rather than merely "the merchant". What do you think?

HiDee2:



Thank you for the concise review. Your kind words are like drops of cold water on a hot, tasking afternoon.. The observations are well noted. Thank you.

On why I chose to liken death to a merchant who does not pay its debts-
In the poem, I considered death as a merchant, a skilled trader, and usually traders borrow to do business. Continuous cycles of borrowing and paying back keep everyone in business- the lender and the borrower, thus, the business is kept going.

But in death's case (the subject of the poem), although death is a well established merchant, a rich one at that (considering how many people it has over the millennial years borrowed from the various clans), it still refuses to pay back what it owes.

Perhaps I should have qualified so that is, "the rich merchant" rather than merely "the merchant". What do you think?

I think it might.
My issue with the merchant metaphor was that, on it's own, it isn't associated with any emotion. I think that's the reason why death is so often conceptualized as and reaper or taxman: occupations that have an inherent, usually negative feelings attached to them.
I think rich merchant would denote the greed that you ascribe to death in your piece.
Again, thank you very much for sharing.

FelasShirt:


I think it might.
My issue with the merchant metaphor was that, on it's own, it isn't associated with any emotion. I think that's the reason why death is so often conceptualized as and reaper or taxman: occupations that have an inherent, usually negative feelings attached to them.
I think rich merchant would denote the greed that you ascribe to death in your piece.
Again, thank you very much for sharing.

Thank you. It's done. The rich merchant appears better. It's been added.