Confession: I’d Rather Go Naked

Gone were the days when a wedding invitation excites me, the thought of the jollof rice and the perfectly sauced juicy meat always bring an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement for the big day. I would iron my cloths a month to the wedding, which shows the extent I love weddings (Since, the topic is about confessions, let’s stick to the truth “wedding receptions”).
I’ve had my share of souvenirs which in recent times are getting more surprising and dumbfounding than usual. The likes of paracetamol tablet, matches, packer, tin tomatoes and noodles. To my biggest surprise, I once attended a wedding ceremony where Agege bread was part of the souvenirs shared, I was tapped with the bread and I responded with;
“I didn’t call for the bread seller”
“It’s souvenir the woman responded” (Would keep my opinion to myself concerning that).

I’ve had enough of those. I’m still awaiting that friend of mine that would marry the likes of Dangote’s son where souvenirs would make me wait for the “after party, “after, after party and even escort the couple to their honey moon. Till then, I’m not interested in the souvenirs that would be distributed. My mission for attending weddings is simply; “settling to a nice fully dished plate of rice(s) and savour the taste while I enjoy cool music played by the band, Djs or whoever delivers best.”

The category a friend falls into would determine the kind of sacrifice I’ll be willing to make.

The HI friends: Even if you don’t invite me to your wedding, I’ll still find a way of eating your jollof rice, no gifts whatsoever, just a congratulatory HI smile if I happen to see you on my way back from a job hunt. And if I don’t, hopefully the videographer won’t miss the part where I settle to the dish with my sleeve rolled up. (My way of saying congratulations).

The Course mate gist/gossip friends: As much as I usually enjoy your gist and rumours, I’ll attend your wedding in order to have something to gist about you too. Since you practically gossiped about everybody in the department, even the ones lecturer X was sleeping with and the ones both lecturer X and Y got pregnant at the same time (but, babe, how you take know all these things?). Not buying the Aso-ebi though, and the only gift you’ll be getting is a good review/gossip about your wedding depending on how well you impress me (most especially how well I eat and how handsome your husband is) anything other than that, the “tatafo” in me wouldn’t mind coming out.

The Padi-Padi : Girl, first and foremost, you are my personal person and one of my many besties, which means you know my worth and my pocket. The last I checked my account balance, I almost faint. So, consider the likes of me in your Aso-ebi extravaganza. Because, truth be told the amount paid for the Aso-ebi will determine how much I’ll eat, drink, takeaway, wait for the small chops, chap man, fruit fountain, how well I’ll dance and lastly, if you are getting a gift or not.

If Aso-ebi is 2k, you are getting a set of glass cup
Above 2k, a frame (not the ones with the couple holding hands, heard that is more expensive).
4k-5k, my dear, it would be all of me with my empty hands attending your wedding and eating everything on the menu.

Aso ebi these days have turned into a nightmare. How can someone expect a fresh graduate/unemployed/hustling/broke/still awaiting president buhari 5k promise to be fulfilled like me to pay more than 5k for Aso-ebi? No wonder guests attend wedding ceremony these days without a gift.

Call me stingy for being a strong believer of the quote “cut your coat according to your cloth”. But, my version of the quote is “buy Aso-ebi according to your budget if you don’t want to end up wishing Aso-ebi has second hand value”.

And to that bestie whose name starts between alphabets A-K, I’m sorry I missed your wedding, but, the truth is my grandma died 6mnths before and not a day to your wedding, your Aso- ebi money made me ran for my life.

Maybe when I get a decent job in the nearest future with enough zero salary and living the life, I’ll be more than willing to pay, hopefully, you’ll be renewing your vows by then. But for now…”I’d rather go NAKED….”

For employers reading this, I’ll be more than willing to accept a Saturday job since I’m awaiting subsidy on Aso-ebi or better still when the “no Aso-ebi, no food” embargo has been lifted.

Funny You

hehehehehehehehe