So here's the scenario, I'm on my way to work one morning, when Victoria starts acting up.


Oh! Victoria's the name of my car(long story). I just think anything that's yours, that has the propensity to act up when you don't give it enough attention, HAS to have a female name.


Enough said.


Anyway, I managed to get her to the mechanic shop, took one last look at her, and hailed a cab. I'm sentimental like that (try asking me to lend you my external hard drive and see what happens-- the Drive's name is Betty by the way!)




So, I got into a cab and Boom! The guy starts "Gisting" with me. Listen, I'm not a snob--- at least I dont think I am. I just spend a lot of time in my head(which is a pretty weird place -- just read 3:15am and tell me it's not). Well, he continued yapping away, which made me realise I was in the presence of a "Gister."


Dunno what that is? Lemme explain: According to the Opus Concise dictionary, (Revised edition,) "A Gister is a person whom commences a conversation with you without warning."  one major characteristic of the "Gister" is he/she can have that conversation ON HIS/HER OWN! Take the cab guy for instance; as soon as I got into the car, he goes: "Oga d tin dey pain me eh?"


I actually looked around whether there was someone else in the backseat. I wasn't even certain I'd heard him say anything. I checked to see if he'd had an ear piece on or something, but as far as I could tell, NADA!


"--em Oga," I said cautiously. "Na me you dey talk to?"


Without even looking at me, he switched gears -- making the vehicle snort like a disgruntled pig with a sore throat.


"dis my girl dey confuse me," he said.  At that point, I knew I was with a pure Gister. A word of caution: Gisters are like nuclear missiles, once you've hit the 'Launch' button, there's no going back. It's like a fart; once it's out there, you can't retrieve it (no matter how bad it stinks).


So he went on.


His name was Calvin( and yeah, like the designer). Now this is the story: He'd been chasing this young lady(never got her name) for a year. According to him, she'd had a boyfriend and wouldn't give Calvin the time of day. Eventually, she gave in. But said she wouldn't have sex with him. After another six months, she gave in. And according to him: "I don chop d geh reach eleven times."


Anyway, she told him she'd never cheat on him and blah blah blah.  So the relationship continued. A few months later, her best friend: "One wor-wor lepka geh like dat,"he said.
Comes to him and tells him that his girlfriend's a lesbian and she does 'runs' with married men.


"Oga,cold catch me," he said. Nearly running us off the road with a wild hand gesture. At that point, I wondered if jumping out of the vehicle was a viable option.


Sha, according to him, he confronted his girlfriend, and true to the script she freaked out. But after a four or five day fight, she told him she wasn't a lesbian ....BUT....(get this): " she say she get passion for breasts." I wasn't certain I'd heard right,
"---passion for breasts?" I asked.


"Yes o," He said. "She say she like to romance anoda woman breast--- say na her passion be dat."


I let him continue(not like I had a choice anyway)


He told me his girlfriend likes touching other women's boobs.


"She say e dey sweet her for bodi, but she no be lesbian o --- but if she see geh wey go do d tin wit am... No problem."


Unfortunately (and I mean UNFORTUNATELY) for me, we were caught in traffic. So he went on.


Apparently, his girlfriend's fixation for boobs came from her mother. The girl claims she likes "romancing" her mother's boobs (yuck!) whenever she can. And her mother lets her.....suck them too(double Yuck!). Hence her "breast passion." She also confessed that she only sleeps with married men when she's broke and that if he (Calvin) gave her money regularly, she would stop because she loves him.


Thankfully (and I mean THANKFULLY) we'd reached my stop. He told me he was going to propose to her because; "If I marry am, she go cool down."


I told him a quick: "It is well with you" and paid him.


I left the cab wondering if he were high.


Crazy huh?





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Ivy Brown and Opus T.J.K are the authors of www.opustjkwrites.com

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