Crackhaus the last part you quoted gives instant headache but the truism is what provokes the discomfort .

byvan03:




Not really my gospel, I only answer when asked and I really don't care what age people get married . It's exactly at any tempo you wish to maintain , I see no differences . Just more work and that's it . You really think that a young woman will stand and wait for your pastor 's approval? Me go leave you dey go my way.

I guess it's your gospel too because I don't see you telling ladies to build skyscrapers first before getting married.

I could bet I responded to this....

The gospel according to byvan03 and bukatyne. We definitely need to write our Bible.

bukatyne:



I could bet I responded to this....

The gospel according to byvan03 and bukatyne. We definitely need to write our Bible.

it's going to be titled " GOAN MARRY!!"

Really one is not saying that marriage is a pensionable job or investment or whatever but if you wish to get married, citing career as an excuse not to is ridiculous. As if the virile young ones will wait for you to age and come get them. Your pool of choice diminishes to a reasonable extent the older you get. Guys can always find a way around it, a rich man is ageless.


Tell me that you are yet to meet the right one and you are talking, tell it's about your career and I will be like .

Sounds more like "Career before kids or kids before career" Without kids, only a husband, you could easily focus on your career 100%.

The article has a lot of moving parts to it . To keep it simple and short, I'll just focus on the thread title and speak about my experience. Frankly, I think there are too many articles about too many real life issues but maybe I'm just cynical

I prefer that a woman start a career before kids because for most of us, that second income will be needed by the couple in the early years of marriage plus you the natural progression is to make your freshly minted degree deposit money in your pocket. I have no comfort with bringing kids into the world if you cannot afford to take care of them. After kid(s) she can then decide what becomes a higher priority. For me, like most folks, I was bent on finishing school and then establishing a career, going all the way to the top and making loads of money. I still felt that way after our first child but with each subsequent pregnancy came a desire to focus more on raising those kids without the help of nannies/professional child minders.

I thank God that it didn't take me long to realize that making more and more money and being saddled with more and more work ( I work for capitalists) is not all there is to life especially if you can design your life to be comfortable with lesser income. For most people, a career is simply a means to an end - money, sometimes even prestige. I think if more people paused to really think about it, they might be surprised at what they discover on the inside. For us, we felt that someone needed to focus on raising the kids and being the lower earner, it only made sense that I step up plus if your job is not your biggest passion, it is easy to relegate it.

Fortunately, I have had no cause for regret because the kids continue to make us proud at every turn. Still engaged in my career but each career step is carefully considered with the kids as a priority. Any role/responsibility that would interfere with the time I need for them is not pursued, it is as simple as that. Will that change? Maybe, maybe not. I suspect any spare time I have once the kids are all grown up would be dedicated to volunteer work rather than making more money and paying more taxes.

For now, I'm doing laid back career and I'm doing full force kids. One is for the money (if I wasn't getting paid, I would not be there) with a schedule that is designed around our kids (God bless my employer) and the second is for a host of reasons like being available to help them explore their talents, making sure they are under my care and supervision when not in school, being their driver, having the time to gist and share stories, etc. Doing all these comes with a lot of time commitment which I would not have if I placed my career first. I believe without a doubt that our kids will do great things and impact their generation. Yes, all mothers believe that, I know but I am convinced enough that my career is secondary to helping them be all that they were meant to be because I see a lot of potential that would disappear if there was no parent to provide guaranteed support at all times.

If we didn't need my income, there are other things that I would do voluntarily without pay and those would be my career path. I'm not complaining though because most of us will live our lives pursuing career paths with limited passion just so we can make money to pay the bills, c'est la vie! I am just grateful that I identified what is more important to me early on and can enjoy, to some degree, the best of both worlds (including a stay home stint when the kids were younger).

Above is my personal experience but I also have a friend who stayed home for many years to raise her kids and regrets it; not because of any financial concerns but because she feels like she should not have taken all that time off just to raise kids. She's been back to work for a few years now and is like a work ninja now. Obviously, she doesn't feel the way I do.

To round up my epistle, I think family finances will have the greatest inpact on what a woman decides. If you cannot afford to put kids before career then you should not. As a young bride, career was all important mainly to make money and for prestige. At this stage of my life, just watching our kids blaze trails and gain recognition is more than that. I have been working since the 90s, same with my spouse so even with career in second place for me, I make enough and at a high enough rate of pay (due to experience) that the household finances do not suffer. The same is unlikely for a young Mom in the early days of her career. You pop out the child then resume back to work in the shortest possible time.

byvan03:
Crackhaus the last part you quoted gives instant headache but the truism is what provokes the discomfort .

I've always known this to be the reason we usually have long debates over the issue on this section.
Some ladies here just don't like the fact that it's true, and will argue just to soothe hurt feelings.

Glad you admitted to how discomforting it sounds.

byvan03:



it's going to be titled " GOAN MARRY!!"

Truth is 'feminism/radical feminism/modern feminism' is not responsible for a typical Nigerian woman delaying marriage till she gets a 'good job' or builds a 'career';

It is a result of face your books and leave boys till later advice parents hand down continually to their kids.

Infact, one criteria for marriage in my church is that you must be earning; whether they follow it to the letter is something else.

It is uncommon for a typical Nigerian woman to delay marriage because of career; it is also uncommon for her to delay childbirth because of her job.

She rather have her kids juggling work and get a maid/nanny/daycare at the same time.

I agree with Efe that the article is more suited to the white lady.

And the author is a self-styled feminist.

CC: crackhaus.

bukatyne:
cc:


mindfulness

I have not read the comment fully but let me see what we can do here.

I put my career first - just the way I was brought up and I would tell my own kids to do the same.

Marriage is overrated.

crackhaus:

I've always known this to be the reason we usually have long debates over the issue on this section.
Some ladies here just don't like the fact that it's true, and will argue just to soothe hurt feelings.

Glad you admitted to how discomforting it sounds.

Actually everyone knows the reality, sometimes is no longer important to rub it in .

byvan03:
Really one is not saying that marriage is a pensionable job or investment or whatever but if you wish to get married, citing career as an excuse not to is ridiculous. As if the virile young ones will wait for you to age and come get them. Your pool of choice diminishes to a reasonable extent the older you get. Guys can always find a way around it, a rich man is ageless.


Tell me that you are yet to meet the right one and you are talking, tell it's about your career and I will be like .

How many men are rich?

bukatyne:


Truth is 'feminism/radical feminism/modern feminism' is not responsible for a typical Nigerian woman delaying marriage till she gets a 'good job' or builds a 'career';

It is a result of face your books and leave boys till later advice parents hand down continually to their kids.

Or a combination of both, don't you think?

Infact, one criteria for marriage in my church is that you must be earning; whether they follow it to the letter is something else.

It is uncommon for a typical Nigerian woman to delay marriage because of career; it is also uncommon for her to delay childbirth because of her job.

She rather have her kids juggling work and get a maid/nanny/daycare at the same time.

I agree with Efe that the article is more suited to the white lady.

And the author is a self-styled feminist.

CC: crackhaus.

Come on, you couldn't possibly deny how the advent of feminism and gender-equality has something to do with the whole career/marriage debate...even in Nigeria.

What is a self-styled feminist?
You mean she's not a real feminist?

Tiwa Savage had it all until the beginning and end and the purpose of her life was discovered to be psychologically unstable.
She didn't hesitate to dump his sorry azz at the age of 36.

Why?


Because she can.

bukatyne:


Truth is 'feminism/radical feminism/modern feminism' is not responsible for a typical Nigerian woman delaying marriage till she gets a 'good job' or builds a 'career';

It is a result of face your books and leave boys till later advice parents hand down continually to their kids.

Infact, one criteria for marriage in my church is that you must be earning; whether they follow it to the letter is something else.

It is uncommon for a typical Nigerian woman to delay marriage because of career; it is also uncommon for her to delay childbirth because of her job.

She rather have her kids juggling work and get a maid/nanny/daycare at the same time.

I agree with Efe that the article is more suited to the white lady.

And the author is a self-styled feminist.

CC: crackhaus.

I realised it isn't about the books , hardly you see a young lady that's really that into her books these days. It's more of the rock your youth mentally that is actually delaying most. A 26years old lady still feels like a child these days.

Mindfulness:
I put my career first - just the way I was brought up and I would tell my own kids to do the same.

Marriage is overrated.

This is my number 7 in the chronological order of relevant bits I've been quoting.

I'm posting it specifically to you because it summarizes the entire piece - however, you should try reading the whole article if you can.

Stop being belligerent all the time.



7.

The pull between the desire to love and be loved and the desire to be free is an old, fierce one. If the error our grandmothers made was to have surrendered too much of themselves for others, this was perhaps better than not being prepared to surrender anything at all. The fear of losing oneself can, in the end, simply become an excuse for not giving any of oneself away. [size=15pt]Generations of women may have had no choice but to commit themselves to marriage early and then to feel imprisoned by their lifelong domesticity. So many of our generation have decided to put it off until it is too late, not foreseeing that lifelong independence can be its own kind of prison too. [/size]

Mindfulness:


How many men are rich?

Even without the money, marriage can wait for them. With a bit of comfort in his pocket, the sky is his beginning.

crackhaus:

This is my number 7 in the chronological order of relevant bits I've been quoting.

I'm posting it specifically to you because it summarizes the entire piece - however, you should try reading the whole article if you can.

Stop being belligerent all the time.



7.

I am not belligerent at all. I am having fun - just like you.

Now let us look at what you have quoted here:

The pull between the desire to love and be loved and the desire to be free is an old, fierce one. If the error our grandmothers made was to have surrendered too much of themselves for others, this was perhaps better than not being prepared to surrender anything at all. The fear of losing oneself can, in the end, simply become an excuse for not giving any of oneself away. Generations of women may have had no choice but to commit themselves to marriage early and then to feel imprisoned by their lifelong domesticity. So many of our generation have decided to put it off until it is too late, not foreseeing that lifelong independence can be its own kind of prison too.

To sum it up:

Whether you are 'imprisoned' by marriage or by your career, you will regret it.

What nonsense is that?

Mindfulness:
Tiwa Savage had it all until the beginning and end and the purpose of her life was discovered to be psychologically unstable.
She didn't hesitate to dump his sorry azz at the age of 36.

Why?


Because she can.

Tiwa Savage is a celebrity and a superstar in her own right.

She cannot be used as a case-study for the average women... That said, do you honestly feel she is totally happy to be a separated single mother thrown back into the dating scene at that age?

Be honest for once with yourself.

byvan03:



Even without the money, marriage can wait for them. With a bit of comfort in his pocket, the sky is his beginning.

You are entitled to your opinion but it's just an opinion.

I know plenty of women - famous and not famous - who married 'late'. There are also women who married - divorced - married - divorced - married.

Do you want a compilation of these celebrities?

Mindfulness:


I am not belligerent at all. I am having fun - just like you.

Now let us look at what you have quoted here:

The pull between the desire to love and be loved and the desire to be free is an old, fierce one. If the error our grandmothers made was to have surrendered too much of themselves for others, this was perhaps better than not being prepared to surrender anything at all. The fear of losing oneself can, in the end, simply become an excuse for not giving any of oneself away. Generations of women may have had no choice but to commit themselves to marriage early and then to feel imprisoned by their lifelong domesticity. So many of our generation have decided to put it off until it is too late, not foreseeing that lifelong independence can be its own kind of prison too.

To sum it up:

Whether you are 'imprisoned' by marriage or by your career, you will regret it.

What nonsense is that?

Your problem is with the writer then.. However, your interpretation to that part of her article is much too linear, even for you.

crackhaus:

Tiwa Savage is a celebrity and a superstar in her own right.

She cannot be used as a case-study for the average women... That said, do you honestly feel she is totally happy to be a separated single mother thrown back into the dating scene at that age?

Be honest for once with yourself.

What makes you think that you need to be married to be happy?

Do you think all married women are happy?


Have you never heard of women who regret motherhood?

And what's wrong with dating? It's fun if you look like her.

Mindfulness:


You are entitled to your opinion but it's just an opinion.

I know plenty of women - famous and not famous - who married 'late'. There are also women who married - divorced - married - divorced - married.

Do you want a compilation of these celebrities?

Yeah,its just an opinion, just like yours. At the end of the day we live whatever way that suit us .

But you can have both. I believe in marrying early and that doesn't mean I will drop my career for marriage.

byvan03:



Actually everyone knows the reality, sometimes is no longer important to rub it in .

Lol..

I get you completely.

Mindfulness:
I put my career first - just the way I was brought up and I would tell my own kids to do the same.

Marriage is overrated.

Sarcasm doesn't suit you.

Marriage is not overrated and if you think it is, what are you doing in one so early in your life Carefree?

crackhaus:

Your problem is with the writer then.. However, your interpretation to that part of her article is much too linear, even for you.

It's what she said. Women back in the day were imprisoned by domesticity and women today are imprisoned by independence.
Either way, women are miserable creatures - according to the writer of this article.


Does Oprah Winfrey look unhappy to you?


Is every married mother in Nigeria more fulfilled?

Mindfulness:


It's what she said. Women back in the day were imprisoned by domesticity and women today are imprisoned by independence.
Either way, women are miserable creatures - according to the writer of this article.


Does Oprah Winfrey look unhappy to you?


Is every married mother in Nigeria more fulfilled?

Again using another celebrity, a billionaire for that matter to support your angle.

At what point are you going to come back down to earth?

Mindfulness:


What makes you think that you need to be married to be happy?

Do you think all married women are happy?


Have you never heard of women who regret motherhood?

And what's wrong with dating? It's fun if you look like her.

I never said marriage makes a woman happy.

Why should a woman regret motherhood?
Motherhood?
As in, she regrets having kids?

And this woman is perfectly okay to you?

bukatyne:


Truth is 'feminism/radical feminism/modern feminism' is not responsible for a typical Nigerian woman delaying marriage till she gets a 'good job' or builds a 'career';

It is a result of face your books and leave boys till later advice parents hand down continually to their kids.

Infact, one criteria for marriage in my church is that you must be earning; whether they follow it to the letter is something else.

It is uncommon for a typical Nigerian woman to delay marriage because of career; it is also uncommon for her to delay childbirth because of her job.

She rather have her kids juggling work and get a maid/nanny/daycare at the same time.

I agree with Efe that the article is more suited to the white lady.

And the author is a self-styled feminist.

CC: crackhaus.

Hanhan Bukatayne, do you honestly believe what you wrote there is the truth?

Maybe Feminism is not completely responsible but Ma'am, it is partly responsible and you know this for a fact.

HaneefahRN:
But you can have both. I believe in marrying early and that doesn't mean I will drop my career for marriage.

But you can make career sacrifices for your marriage to work? No?

Bolade005:

Sarcasm doesn't suit you.

Marriage is not overrated and if you think it is, what are you doing in one so early in your life Carefree?

Tax benefits.

That's the only reason.

And who told you that I married young?

Mindfulness:


How many men are rich?

Girl let's have a little experiment, shall we?

- A broke man in his mid-thirties finally decides to get a wife. He knows it will be almost impossible finding a young educated city girl with ambition willing to marry him.
So what does he do?
He travels back to his hometown/village to seek out a beautiful unexposed, young uneducated/high-school drop-out to marry.
Will he be successful?

- A broke woman in her mid-thirties finally decides to settle down with a man. She knows her choice of men has narrowed down to older unmarried/divorced men.
She then tries to hook up with younger men.
How easy will it be getting a man(older or younger) willing to marry her?
Remember I said marry, not fvck... she will definitely see men that want to just chop and clean mouth.