AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

Girl, let me give one very very valuable advice. First you are marrying a Nigerian. That in itself is a challenge. Just pray that whomever you marry in Nigeria has the right mindset and mentality. This is way more important than money and or the family. Going by comments on NL on various threads, if you erroneously marry someone with the wrong mentality, you'd be screwed for a very very very very long time.

Jeezuz H Krist, you naija girls and your drama

Are you marrying the poor guy or his community?

@OP I think you should work on yourself too.. Dnt just blame d guy and his family..

For someone to have accused you shows there is something you're not doing right.

Good men are hard to find these days.. Take time to reflect & make ur decisions carefully. All d best.

ferdison:
its two ways now....
If u follow ur heart and things turn out bad, ur family will blame u... And if u follow ur family n end up wit anoda person who gives u hell, then u will not forgive ur family....
i advice u pray more, follow ur heart n take counsel from mayb ur pastor....()

nice advice but u damage everything when u mention "PASTOR" all Nigerian pastors are potential Scaamers quot me anywhere.

Some families design some of their members for sacrifice. Maybe they have seen in the spiritual realm that with you their plan will not materialize. BTW, tell us more about ur xter.

my dear op 4get all dis dia blasting, dia problem is after 4 yrs of dating no fruit (mistake of pregnancy).
Truth b told once u take in fire go quench just ensure u're fertile ok. Leave d rest to God.
My 2cents!

AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

"Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing"."I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more"!
Young lady,nairaland can't solve your problem because you simply don't have any problem with the family of your boy friend.

The only problem I see in the whole picture you've painted is pride.You're a proud woman.Get over it and discover the true meaning of fulfillment,happiness and love.

If you love that guy as you claim,with your level of education,you wouldn't be here asking people you don't even know their psychological and mental abilities for answers to a life time venture.

hopeforcharles:

Men I never knew we have beautiful analyatic minds in Nairaland. You are exceptional. Thanks I was actually liking the OP but u opened a facet I never thinked about, thank you.

You mean "thought about " Thank me now not later.

hopeforcharles:

Men I never knew we have beautiful analyatic minds in Nairaland. You are exceptional. Thanks I was actually liking the OP but u opened a facet I never thinked about, thank you.

*thought*

AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

I think they are jealous, prove them all wrong do not leave his side.

I must appreciate the various contributions already made. I really don't think solutions have not been proffered. I just want to think that part of the reasons for the dislike could be that the family is not pleased with the fact that their son is planning marriage immediately after graduating when in the real sense he should be talking about repaying the investment made on him by the family. They probably think you are the one prompting him with the idea to marrh. It doesnt matter that you have dated or ciurted for many years now. He should be talking about job, making impact in the family first before other things could follow. Well am just thinking aloud.

AdaAda1331:


You have it exactly right. That's why I'm on this forum. I know you all can't make the decision for me but I'm having second thoughts if this is something I'll immensely regret doing/not doing. I had an idea about his family behavior but it never directly affected me until now that I'm being attacked. I know God wouldn't want me to make a decision out of fear but I'm still on the fence if this is also God's way of telling me to run. I see the fire now before marriage and me saying yes will be me putting my hand in it. I don't know if that's wise.

I feel u already know what to do; the problem is the will and strength to do it. Dear OP, one thing is certain: u have a good heart and marrying that guy wld rob u of dat good heart, cos his family's pettiness wld hit u had and u wld either develop defence mechanisms by trying to win some of the family members (certainly not all) to ur side or u wld develop much forbearance. Whichever way, that good, cute, innocent and loving heart of urs wld become way too strained to remain the same. I've seen dat happen and that's wr I'm speaking from. Best of luck

[quote author=MrHenshaw post=48010186] You mean "thought about " Thank me now not later.[/quote
Yeah that thanks

AdaAda1331 Please Marry him. A Brotherly Advice. Besides, he really love U.
I wish you Success.

I must appreciate the various contributions already made. I really don't think solutions have not been proffered. I just want to think that part of the reasons for the dislike could be that the family is not pleased with the fact that their son is planning to get married immediately after graduating when in the real sense he should be talking about repaying the investment made on him by the family. At least they sponsored his education. probably think you are the one prompting him with the idea to marrh. It doesnt matter that you have dated or courted for many years now. He should be talking about job, making impact in the family first before other things could follow. Well am just thinking aloud.

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.



His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you?



Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.

What have you done to prove yourself to his family?



I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.

However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?

Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.



Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.


You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.

Continue to grow in wisdom. Such nature reaponse.

Onegai:


I don't think you should get married to him, just yet. Because you're not ready.

And as for his Family being crazy, puhlease, half of everyone's extended family can redefine crazy (someone once forbade his entire family from attending his brother's wedding. Imagine not one sibling showing up to your wedding. Awkward!). Another married a Simpering Miss, who once she started having problems with her hubby, proceeded to blame his mum, sisters, his brothers (none of them even knew they were having issues), moved out of the house and told everyone they threw her out (they only found out 4 weeks later that she had moved out) and her lies got so stupid even when there was video evidence disproving it, but it causes friction between the husband and his mother and siblings. Yeah, crazy. So, what is happening to you sometimes happens to a lot of people.

But you are not ready or matured enough to handle it. Someone said something over the phone and you're already panicking. What happens when they say it to your face? You can't comport yourself to smile and keep a straight face to make them wonder if you give a shi.t

And your family and friends know you. So they know you're not ready. That's why they're telling you to run for the hills. Your degree and your relationship with God and your value doesn't make you ready to handle marriage, it's your People Skills that decide the quality of your marriage. Think I'm making that up? Out of all my friends and former classmates, the more Christian and "good" the women more, well, the more likely they ended up Single mothers, divorced or not even married. I'm talking 15 years later from when I met them. So, yeah.

Let your man settle himself, financially and emotionally. And you learn some People Skills. Before saying "I do" to anyone.

I am glad this is coming from a woman, and an experienced one too.

You were my sister I will advice u to move on despite how much u love him. You ve rightly pointed out you don't just marry the man but u married his family too. God forbid the guy dies, it is such family tht will make life miserable for u. I am happy you ve studied so hard to be a doctor. I respect ur academic achievement but your peace of mind is what matters. Get urself a good job from their I can see God sending u ur own partner or soulmate with a welcoming family background

AdaAda1331:
His family has been known to have issues, before and after the divorce. The support his family has for him is very conditional to what he can do for them. When the marriage topic came up, they were not pleased that he had made up his mind without their approval and that he had a tentative date of when he will be financially independent after graduation.

They did not agree with the tentative date and only see their option of 4 more years of dating as the only viable choice. Because of opposing views, he currently has no support from his family. They are known to take drastic moves to prove their point. He's okay with that and moving forward to graduating. This has nothing to do with me or my character. I know I'm still a work in progress but I do listen to counsel unlike his family that nothing else but their opinions matter. It's their family motto; they said it themselves.

The only reason I even included my career path is because that's what most Nigerians are usually focused on unfortunately to determine your worth. It's a good thing some of of you don't regard that as being the end all be all. Please take this into consideration before replying. I just need to know if I should follow my head or my heart. I know love itself cannot sustain a marriage.

If you really have an iota of regard and love for that guy this is no time to walk away from the relationship.

Think of the hurt and emotional turmoil he would go through. And the fact that he is not the cause of your double mindedness proves he doesn't deserve a heart break from you.

...

AdaAda1331:
His family has been known to have issues, before and after the divorce. The support his family has for him is very conditional to what he can do for them. When the marriage topic came up, they were not pleased that he had made up his mind without their approval and that he had a tentative date of when he will be financially independent after graduation.

They did not agree with the tentative date and only see their option of 4 more years of dating as the only viable choice. Because of opposing views, he currently has no support from his family. They are known to take drastic moves to prove their point. He's okay with that and moving forward to graduating. This has nothing to do with me or my character. I know I'm still a work in progress but I do listen to counsel unlike his family that nothing else but their opinions matter. It's their family motto; they said it themselves.

The only reason I even included my career path is because that's what most Nigerians are usually focused on unfortunately to determine your worth. It's a good thing some of of you don't regard that as being the end all be all. Please take this into consideration before replying. I just need to know if I should follow my head or my heart. I know love itself cannot sustain a marriage.

I think you are just unlucky to be in d middle of a deep family squabbles, believe me you can't totally understand it all, at least not yet, n u can't play it either. was telling my mum neither she nor I can really understand what's up with my late dad's folks cos we werent there when they were growing, same applies to you. you are way to young to throw yourself into this kinda stress, you said u are 22?
my advice, slow down a little, talk to your man to take things easy n settle things with his family, at least for you, your man can't chose his family over u,no matter how much he loves u, if care is not taken, you will be seen as d outsider, the intruder. make compromises with them, listen to them and make out senses out of their 'rants'.
then focus on you, develop yourself, I say it again, you are way too young for this.

"Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more."...Ogbeni go sidon jare...So make we run enter Bush cos u are a Medical student? ..mtcheeew..Dunno why this bossy attitude is related to medical Students...From the way you typed..it is quite obvious u are Controlling and Fucking Bossy...Bet me the only Reason that nigga is still with u is cos of ur Profession?..He knows future is bright for u even if his earning peanuts by then...If Hits cash Tomorrow?.. who are you to tell him your worth?..

His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.


This is a shot time difficulties in relationship, the family will not be there for ever in your marriage.

We always wonder at d road not taken

Lady op,

I can say you are young, u still need some growing up to do, in relationships, your "doctor" profession is inconsequential,

From your tone, it's clearly making you feel too important .

U had already made a decision as u pointed out but I would advice you---- manage your pride lest u will keep being "selfish and controlling"

Cheers!

OP, I think the major cause of ur problem is that the young man is yet to graduate not to talk of working yet. No Nigerian family supports their son talking about marriage when he is still in school. They will expect d son to first work for some few years before marriage. The only exceptions are mostly families that have only 1 son and in most cases they are also very rich. Your guy talking about marriage in this stage only makes u an enemy to d family and u will be treated as such. The question for u then is if u are prepared to av ur husband totally estranged from his family. If not, then listen to ur parents.

Pls marry him, put his families in their corner and don't try to satisfy them cos they can't like u,hold on to ur man and pray very well too.

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.



His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you?



Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.

What have you done to prove yourself to his family?



I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.

However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?

Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.



Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.


You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.

Good points

She must be very arrogant and full of herself.

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Be part of the program, live stream tomorrow mystery of marriage

My dear adaada1331, please dnt get me wrong. If at all i migth be late to comment. Please why not face your career go for your masters nd PHD? U'er still very young what do u know about marriage? Marriage is a life time experience which u will continue to live with for d rest of ur life no going back once u er inn. Let me brife u a little about my own in-laws well i dnt know what my offence may be cuz i came down to their side cuz i was posted close to them so i hv been staying with them for a year six mnt now they dnt regard me as anything in d family they dnt give me food or water the mother of my hubby alway raign causes on me everyday i make sure i do every nessary thing to make her happy but all vanity even his brothers nd sisthers they treathen me like i should go nd die nd live my baby alon, when i was brouth inn as a wife they were all kindhearted people which i was happy i hv found a good home but now who am i to them? U er even luky to see it coming, So pls ADA ADA 1331 dnt let love decieve u marriage is not all about loving ur husband only u most carry his family along. pls wait till u er 27years before settling down then ur mind will be strong enougth to carry all this things going on.

You're young,he loves you and you love him;pls marry him. Don't lose him and start waitng for the right one,until you get to our age. Finding love when you're above 30,is like looking for a tiny pin,in a dusty dark room;it's almost impossible. Don't lose him and then end up wth jerks who would only use you and dump you. Girls your age,are everybody's play-toy but the serious ones like you,would escape that by paying attention to a serious and responsible man. The unserioous ones would try to play smart,keep looking out for the richest guy,try to hold on to several options at the same time,and eventually lose all,or settle with a jerk. Forget about what your parents think about his family,marry him and build a beautiful life together. The moment you lose a good man/woman,chances of meeting someone as close to what you lost,is pretty low. The dating world these days,is dominated by wild animals of different species,sizes and gender;don't be caught in that jungle. I'm talking to you from experience and with lots of love.

AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.



His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you?



Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.

What have you done to prove yourself to his family?



I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.

However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?

Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.



Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.


You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.

Bro you just spoked my heart, ..many nigerian ladies are only about my husband nd my own(her parents nd siblings) ......its obvious they dont approve of her for reasons best known to dem, i mean 3 people cant just dissaprove of u for no reason.