PREFACE

The early days of our lives were most times so interesting that the thoughts of one’s teenage life fires some nostalgia of feelings
that make you smile in mock or amusement of the sheepishness, juvenile activism
or inexperience with which errors were made, the things which informed certain
youth actions or behavioral tendencies of students due to their background.

College pranks is a collection of those nutty days of innocence, marked by the

tricks that made boys/girls what they are or what they later become in life.

Many jump into quick conclusion or an unhealthy generalization about children.
In so far as your home will not be the only school of your child or children, the
psychology of the student next door must be available to every growing child or
even parents. Parents want their wards to be great, the school may not be enough,
the society, exposure, and wishes of the teenage guys must be put in proper
perspective for the betterment of our future Teens. Enjoy it!
*****
I'll appreciate criticism and corrections

, I had to post the first dozen, cos i got a heartwarming from a Nlander wu wants his identity anonymous for clear reasons , Now critique the following


1. Ladies’ HIDEOUT
In school then we were in SS2. We usually go into the toilet at closing hour,
lock–up and apply our facials (mascara, lip-gloss, powder and stuffs). There was
this day my friend Teju wanted to deal with the ladies. They numbered 6 in the
toilet doing their thing when Teju locked them up with a padlock and jeez! On
empty stomachs they savoured the urine laden stench for hours. They were all
mute for some time thinking the stern-small-bodied vice Principal who patrols
the whole blocks would have done that. Patiently waiting and believing that he
will soon be gone. But no! It was Teju.

What sort of feelings didn’t they experience? Cold, ennui, shame, lust, pity,
boredom, confusion, and nausea…deprivation as though a gang locked up
behind bars after a conviction of felony. And another munite, numbness arising
from the barrage of different moods that harassed them impenitently.

You won’t believe that it was around 10:40pm at night that they got reprieve
from a security staff that came to their rescue. Sergeant Dominic-that’s his
name; he was a 5 ft 8’ tall man with broad shoulders, distinct bump on the right
cheek and piercing pairs of eyes. He unlocked the padlock and looked at every
one of them, speechless and transfixed in astonishment.

And what happened to Teju? Nothing, they were neither bold to report him nor
were they sure of the next trick he had up sleeves if they went ahead to report.
In anyway, they had no sure evidence against him. It was a fierce experience.

Also at about 12:15 am one day while in SS1, Teju had taken a permanent
marker and he scribbled the devil’s number on everyone’s left hand…so adept

that none woke up, although some had their sleep a little disturbed. I ensured
Teju slept before I dozed-off and as everyone woke up, there was serious panic
in Prince Kaka Hall(our hostel then)….even Teju had it on, of course he wrote it
on himself and myself too. “666…!”. I didn’t panic because I knew it was Teju’s
blueprint, but I enjoyed watching almost everyone confused to their bone
marrows.

2. Senior PANGOLO
Back then in school our senior colleagues were brutish; they did all sort of
things to prove their superiority. There was this generally lanky guy; lousy in
speech and notorious for ridiculing lecturers. He punished me one day he sent
me out of school to get some contra(items that were disallowed for use within
the college) which I declined because it was against school regulations. He took
it hard at me and does just anything to spite me to press home his irritation. I
was in JSS2 Gold, we had Gold, Silver, Diamond and Platinum Classes then.

So what could I do to this ruffian? I thought, we finished our exams and were
preparing to leave school. This senior student stays by the window side directly
facing M-Wing (where he can get a good glimpse of entry and exit of junior
students). A night before our departure for the term, I got a big MILO tin and
stuffed it with excrement …. What for! One dastard action that would remain in
the minds of many of us then at Cosmos Academy, Agodi for a very long time.
This was how the acronym ‘Senior Pangolo’ gained usage in the speech of
students up till this day.

While everyone was asleep, I dropped it at the senior’s window side which was
positioned directly above his head, I made sure no one saw me. At 20 minutes
past midnight I leaped, tiptoed and got to the wing. A day before that night
which was a Wednesday I had gone to puncture the unit supplying electricity to
that block.

After dropping the stocked tin carefully at the window, I used a stick to drop its
content over and hey! Pangolo must have received a baptism of shit.

I leaped back avoiding the light and shielding my shadow. I slipped into my
coverlet and zoom… I slept off. The confusion that rented the hostel air was
unimaginable and it took close to an hour before this Pangolo guy and his
friends came to the reality of a heavy joke played on them. I laughed last.

Ther is this other case of one guy whose name is a little hazy now. He told his
friends that he could do "Touch and Follow" after collecting money, he gave him
something like a Key-holder ring glued to a cowrie. "Touch and Follow" was
some sort of talismanic devise in which its user gives a command and the mark
simply follows. That he should slap the girl’s ass with it.

The Guy just went to one pretty big girl that had boyfriends in senior class. He
slapped the girl twice on the ass. Thereafter, the girl turned and beat him up
with reckless abandon. Grin! Grin! Grin!

She also went to report to a female teacher after beating the guy seriously for
several minutes, the guy confessed that he was testing “Touch and follow”. The
case worsened as it became the sensation in school then, reported to the
disciplinary unit, the school catechist…everyone especially female teachers took
serious interest in the case.

The girl’s boyfriend and his friends beat up the guy and the "medicine man"
seriously, tying both of them back-to-back and asking them to run….It was
simply inconceivable.

In the hostel they were asked to fill the gutter with water or draw a car and
push it to start. They got really sore after the bad show.

3. The Evil that MEN do….
“Hey! Which class?”. Three! I said with some deadpan audacity while shielding
my real status and displeasure of being sent on unnecessary errands as SS3
boys are wont to. But the guy figured it out. “You are a nincompoop!” he cursed
so you are in JSS3 and you are saying Three as though we were mates! “But I
said three-I actually meant JSS3, you misconstrued me”. I defended.

“…I say you be buffoon and na malu be your oldman. Go and get me water to
drink!” I smiled wryly and dashed quickly for the water as if wanting to be
obedient.

I collected some water from the Tap behind the dome and on seeing a trace of
urine path coming from the rear of the leaky walls of female toilet, I scooped
some and dropped like 3 drops of jaundiced urine (yellow urine; the sight of
which nauseates). “Here is it” I said with some humility. The wonk thanked me
and said I should take some first because he hardly trusts any junior student. I
told him it was needless and that I got it from the dome tap which was the
healthiest then as it was recently installed. Many pipes in the school were
diseased conduits as rust and fractures characterized it…water flowing is hardly
clear let alone clean.

That was in 1994 and the school was just six (6) months to its 49th year
anniversary, most of its structures needed salvaging repairs and maintenance.

With a ferocious voice he yelled “I say drink first!” As I attempted to pick the
cup, he rushed at me as if he knew the content of my mind. I had wanted to
throw the cup’s content away to feign my interpretation of what he requested.
By his command I was interpreting it as “Go get the water again”. Of course
because I wasn’t mad enough to drink the coloured water.

And before I could hear ‘jack’ he forced the mixture into my mouth. The only
thing I could recall now is that I was admitted for days in the school clinic
before I was transferred to OXFORD CLINIC near the state gulf club due to
dysentery, purging and a convoluted appalling condition which I find hard to
describe medically. I missed my 3rd term exams and I almost repeat that
class. The evil that men do no longer lives after them, if lives with them.
And what about smuggling Laboratory equipments, Chemicals, reagents, and
test tubes just because I wanted to become another Boyle's, Charles, Isaac
Newton!

4. SINS of desire
Desire and passion are feelings that can hardly go once initiated. Desire can
make a man continue to crave for that which is his object of lust for decades or
so long as he breathes. In my fourth year in secondary school one funny
incident occurred. Once students get to the fourth year they are separated into

four classes viz ; Sciences, Art, Technical, Management. In each of these classes
there is mixing of sexes. We were paired because of the general belief that
pairing makes students more attentive, more studious and generally composed.
I was in management class (business related courses, accounting, economics
etc where taught). Kame Danielson was my sit mate, he was an average
student and I liked him because he had a fine accent. On row three column
seven was seated Betty (a brief, chubby and light-skinned lady) and Dave
Fredrick a chubby but tall son of a renowned bishop and he is kru by tribe. My
college, Quintessence High school, in Zwedru was one of the leading institutions
in Liberia.

One day while in Commerce Class, the teacher was going round the class as he
explained some rudiments of international trade and the GDP evaluation of
different nations.

Betty and Dave were lost in lust as the devoured the pages of an X-rated 418
hard-paper back book. Catastrophe struck when the teacher sighted both of
them non-attentive, carried away and engrossed in something else. As he went
round, he dipped his hand into it and eureka! A text book of anomie was found.
Confusion gripped the entire 37 students in class because the penalty culture
then was to deal with the whole class.

So what is this book which we later code-named ‘K-book’? Was it more
important than the commerce class or was it an encyclopaedic business manual?

Both students were asked by the Admission Officer to come along with their
parents the next day or forfeit their admission. They had brought shame to
themselves, they had ridiculed my class, they had ridiculed the school as this
news spread like wildfire through other colleges, and they had humiliated their

parents who were both respected entrepreneurs and religious figures. Betty’s
father was a senior member of the Divine Fire ministries in Monrovia.

This became the subject of talk for months to come. A female trader once asked
me “Are you from kuntishens” that was how best she could pronounce it. I
answered in the affirmative and she said again “Commerce class?” I felt so
embarrassed that I scampered away. If she had asked this question before the
incident, I will proudly answer her questions and give her guidelines if her kids
were to apply for studies at Quintessence. I felt really bad as I later realized
that these censored materials were mostly from neighbouring francophone
countries moral values were on the down.

5. ESCAPE FROM EYADEMA
Gnasingbe Eyadema was an autocratic president of Togo whose stubbornness
and crudity saw him stay in power for 38 years with a his ability to suppress
revolt and a mythic invulnerability being the only survivor of a 1974 plane
crash,His tenure ended recently as death accosted him.

There was this slim teacher we had who was as old as the foundation of my
school. Mr Olu Adefolalu Michael. We derided him with the Eyadema thing when
after two attempts to get him out of school failed. Two teachers had framed-up
issues around him. He takes us fine-art/craft and usually ask us to come atimes
with materials for batik, buy ink for banners, and special pastels, lycra and
other Art materials. A case against him in which he defended himself twice at
the PTA meeting (in one of those meetings two parents were said to be putting





on kampala made by their wards) and finally at the Mr. Henry led disciplinary
committee. He also scaled through.

Another case was one in which he was said to have beaten a girl to coma as
punishment for her not doing her assignment. In truth she didn’t do her
assignment. She fainted after two horsewhips. News filtered round school that
Eyadema had punished a student to death for not doing an assignment in arts
not mathematics or English language! Investigations proved later the girl was a
sickle-patient just recovering from high fever and that she neither took drugs
nor ate food on the said day. Uchena Onuoha was given just two when 3 other
defaulters had taken 5 each. So if others did not faint why Uchena? I kept my
Uniform up till today, for I cherish my days in TKS Idaoni.

6. STAND STILL
Mr Standstill was notorious for his authoritarian ways. He scares the hell out the
day of every student by his questions, looks, and demeanor. Even within the
school we hardly crossed his path. He had a way of creating decorum. ‘Standstill
and stay as you are!’ he will yell from the front door every time he comes in. A
couple of times he catches students standing on the reading desk and ‘still’ they
must stand. This was where he derived his name from. He is actually an efik by
tribe. He wears a thick saddamic moustache and a black fez cap.

It happened one afternoon while I was in my mum’s shop. My mum is a trader
in Minna main market, she sells building materials (nails, asbestos, and
corrugated iron sheets).I sometimes join her during the weekends to give
assisting hands.

On realizing that Mr. Standstill (honestly I cant recall his real name any longer)
comes for shopping with his wife at weekends, I informed my colleagues in
class; about 18 of us staying very close to the market. We all agreed to
converge close to mainasara Street where we can shield ourselves from his
sight. We were all gathered there and we waited about the time he comes for
his purchases. 10:28 am he passed by and we all screamed in our loudest
voices “Mr Standstill”. We took off immediately. You won’t believe what
happened. Standstill pursued us and attempted get hold of at least one of us…in
a busy market like minna central market. God! Mr Standstill could not catch up
with our childish pace and tricky navigation through a market we knew like the
back of our hands. We all escaped and hid away from him. His wife watched
shamefully as he panted returning to her. On Monday, 13th of July 1992 during
the Assembly he made an announcement that if anyone knows who screamed a
derisive name against him. They should come to him and kindly apologize and
that he was not going to do anything to hurt or punish them. Alas, he was
setting a trap. Terundu-that Tiv boy was the sellout. I have never met a dummy
like him in my entire existence. Terundu was 4 years older than most of us who
averaged 8 years, Terundu was 12 years old. We had always expected him to
be the wiser and smarter but God! Forgive me for saying his senses was in the
reciprocal.

He opened up and we were all in trouble. I and two others agreed to take
revenge. While in primary 6, we set thorns and spikes under his car and the rest
is now history. We took our pound of flesh.


7. FORTY WINKS of VIJAY
21st August is the birth-date I share with a guy during my college years. The
funny incidence that has come to be etched permanently in my subconscious
mind is the episode that happened on this date to the boy Olumide Vijay (he
was of mixed parenthood). He was generally humourous and witty; he had a
good knowledge of geography and the location of any city was on his fingertip.
Just name a city, island, or country and he will tell you the very point where it
was located….it made us think of him as someone who had toured round these
places due to his accurate knowledge of places. Although a half-caste, he spoke
better Yoruba and urhobo.

Vijay had a large appetite for nunu(unpasteurized cow milk) which he buys from
a nomadic lady who speaks hesitant ungrammatical English.

He sleeps off after consuming this milk. It had a special tranquilizing effect on
him.

He had a grouse with a set of boys over who should lead the school debate
group. The boys then promised to ‘show him pepper’. From his size there was
hardly anything they could do even as a group to hurt him. Showing him pepper
was therefore the only option for them.

But it took them four terms to nurse hatred, hatch and perfect plan of how to
teach Vijay a lesson.

On this said day, Vijay had consumed some nunu and therefore heavily asleep
when boys numbering five carefully suspended him from the upper bonk of our
double-bunked beds. He was dropped outside in the open air. The atmosphere
was cooperative neither cold nor stormy…what he got in full dosage was tablets

from mosquitoes…their hymn woke him up around 5am and he concluded it was
a dream. On screaming he realized he was all alone in the open field. That was
one rib-aching thing we recall with nostalgia and giggle. Pure teenage folly!

8. SCALERS
If by chance, providence or sheer luck I catch anyone of you or group of
persons scaling over the fence, in daytime or at the wee hours of the
night…then there shall be fire in soweto.

Those were the common words of Mr Mensah Boateng. He conduct weekly
assemblies with so much intellectual proficiency that in him we saw an orator-so
much persuasive skills, a preacher-as he laments our misdemeanours, a
statesman-as he whines about patriotism, a father-as his pleas insinuates, a
tutor-as he reminds us of the many students that have succeeded after drinking
from his pot of tutelage.

‘Your punishment is 20 frog-jumps through the field and one week of hard
labour in the school farm’, he roared at the five of them; Kingsley, Bright,
Kevin, Eunice and Nehemiah Nanwanhyet (the petite boy with the long name).
These set of students were caught combing the streets on a weekend making
frantic purchases from this part of the market to that part of the market.
Unknown to them, the school game-master had been tailing them everywhere
until they entered boulevard Supermarket. He got inside after they did and
feigned ignorance of their presence. As they ended their purchases it was
obvious that a ‘big party’ was in the offing. He moved to the pay-counter and
the ten eyes crossed his directly…tension mounted. The type of tension in the

mind of two cars about to collide in a ghastly accident. He moved closer
recognizing Eunice and asking in a standoffish manner ‘whose birthday is it?’

As if giving us an answer to our panic. But no, this was no birthday and we are
bound to court more trouble if we resign to his excuse. And that was how he
requested our names which he submitted to the iron-man of Soweto.

We had wanted to lie that we took excuse. But from who? We also thought we
could say that we passed through the gate, again no such records with Ali, the
gatemen’s register. Dilemma courting anxiety in a precarious fashion. Because
even if we have to return to Technical college, gboko we must mark the register
before gaining entrance. Therefore it was not only obvious that we didn’t pass
through the school main gate, it was clear that we couldn’t lie about it. Our
voyage was as illegal as the things we went to buy to throw a mini-party for a
friend of ours marking his birthday; cakes, specially designed cards, flowers,
perfumes, sweets and biscuits were the things that got us into deep shit. Our
Birthday celebration turned into glum as we were made to leap like frogs
…causing unforgivable backache and nerve-strains.

[b]9. NUTTY BY NATURE [/b]
Some persons are created with every comic imprint on their nature and
disposition. Such was the nature of salisu-too simple. He was codenamed ‘toosimple’
because of his appearance. At first glance, he looks so simple that you’ll
never take him for a wacky guy. He is in fact a study in comedy, he was nutty
by nature.





It was his innate skill that he tried to put to the fore as he exploited the timid
character of ladies in our 5th year in secondary school.

He was in Art class. One day he came into our class to borrow mathematical
sets, promising Stephanie that he was going to return it in a matter of munites.
Once he was through with class work he will make sure she gets it.

Stephanie chatted with about a dozen ladies, they called it ladies’ alliance (a
meeting of gossips, trivial issues and rumours garnished by rumourists).

In about fifteen minutes he returned and thankfully gave it to her. She said to
him “wait! I don’t trust you; I want to ensure my set is complete”

Whaaaat! Everyone jumped in confused directionless motion; confusing steps
and colliding inadvertently. Please! Please! They pleaded. Gloria hurt her toes as
she attempted escaping horror. While Alice collided with Johnson Inalegwu
head-to-head, Linda’s skirt was caught by a nail and made an impression.

When the confusion gained ground, the boys decided to come in to rescue the
situation. Too-simple was off, he jumped out of the window like a thief.

And what did we see? A matured lifeless 15-inch long Agama lizard. Their hearts
almost jumped out of their mouths in fright and trepidation. Most ladies
detested lizards, and here was a complete meal of LIZARD.

They reported the issue and too-simple got the gay end; trashing!





10. PLEASE DON’T EXPEL IT!
Mrs Aderemi Oladosun was the wife of a business mogul in ikire. Like every
Yoruba family they held education and learning in high value. That was the case
of a mother in agony for her child’s reprehensible misconduct. She had come to
plead for Isaac Aderemi for an offense unheard of in the precinct of ikire.

Isaac was a master signature; he forges everything forgeable, he had good
artistic skills…what he lacked in mathematics, he compensated for in con and
debauchery. Isaac’s father was wealthy enough to afford just anything he
needed, yet he never spoilt his kids with money or materials. He wanted them
to be well behaved, disciplined and to know the value of hardwork. While some
parents drop their wards in school, Mr. Aderemi would rather allow Isaac and his
two daughters to trek down to school which was just few kilometers away from
home.

One fateful day, Ugo Ebube came to school with his father’s passbook. What
for? We wondered aloud. Ugo had sought the help of the master signature the
king of forgery-Isaac to debit his father’s account by N3000. This is good money
considering the Naira-Dollar exchange rate and market value it had sixteen
years ago.

So Isaac went to work, like one used to bank transactions; carefully writing to
request payment in the name of Mr. Ebube Emecheta C. Everything worked
perfectly. At Equitorial Trust bank, Ikire they were attended to by middle aged
man who assumed they had come on behalf of their father-the owner of the
account. He also assumed the sums payable to them was likely to be their
school fees. Both friends were putting on plastic wrist bands.





And in seconds, it flashed through his mind. This was neither beginning of term
nor midway into the term, when school fees are being paid.

He peered into their eyes to retrieve answers “Are you sure, your dad asked you
to make this withdrawal?” “Yes Sir!” they answered. The bank guy asked them
to wait a little as he goes into a safer room he dialed Mr.Ebube for confirmation.
It rang endlessly without anyone picking it. Seeing the calmness on Isaac and
Ugo, he deduced that they could be sent by their parents-Boys in JSS3 were
not too small to handle that in today’s Nigeria.

It was after the money has been finally paid that a man moved into the banking
hall with some action movie swiftness-he arrested them and asked the bank
manager to come down …from the records his camera’s took, some facts were
accessed. This camera was bad! Bad enough to record the minutest whispers
that these boys made, their total eye-movement,gesticulation,facial expressions
all point at one thing-Thieves or fraudsters.

That was how the duo were caught and reprimanded in the school’s Bermuda
house (a single door, double windowed tall building where school rogues and
capital offenders were chastised). If their parents were not staying in Ikire I am
almost sure the Principal will ensure they are put in police custody at least for
some days.

You will never believe a prison exist in a secondary school, but ours was a
school with notorious elements , surrounded by more notorious ones like Scapel
Academy, Fahrenheit College, Command secondary school and New Scholars
International School.





Two days later Mrs. Aderemi Oladosun wept endlessly in the principal’s office.
She was thinly educated but whatever she couldn’t acquire in terms of
education, she deemed it necessary for her children. As she pleaded, the phrase
that gained much frequency was “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori olohun !
Please, his father will kill him! Don’t expel it”. “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori
olohun ! Don’t expel it. What! Expel it or him? Comedy I inferred.

Those of us bold enough to eavesdrop from the window at the eastern flank of
the principal’s office could not help but laugh discretely.

Her plea was accepted but Ugo who could not come with his parents was
withdrawn from school to become an apprentice. I heard he now sells
Automobile spare-parts in Nnewi, eastern Nigeria.

11. SMOKERS’ PARADISE
An Idle hand is the devil’s workhouse. That was the case with us in JSS1.
Take chances and you will be in trouble with the ‘young and the restless’
amongst us.
Whenever we were free in class either because a teacher wasn’t around or the
teacher busied us with some class-work to do and takes the risk of leaving us
in class while we do our sums, it turns into playtime.
There was nothing we didn’t do: from sticking chewed gums on the sits for
students to sit on, to pinning up a sticker behind unsuspecting students with






derisive titles like “BEAT ME! I AM A FOOL”, “I AM A DUMB ASS”, “MY BODY
STINKS, BEWARE”, “S.O.D” and many others.
The most interesting however is the smoking session. When we consider the
Health ministry’s warning on smoking, it makes the trick even more sarcastic.
Someone falls asleep and up we go… we get some white chalk grinded, neatly
rolled up in a paper and then attached to the slightly opened mouth of those
taking short naps. And the smoking continues, the whole class will be charged
with a cacophony of laughter and the sleeping guy wakes up without knowing
who did what to make him smoke.
We had a notice board where the record of ‘about-to-die’ smokers list was
kept. For almost two classes we were never caught or reported until we did for
Ijeoma. Cornelius jooked me with a pen cover signaling to me that someone
was asleep. I looked through the class then saw a sleeping queen with a pink
headband. Ijeoma was a noisemaker too but on this day she must be fagged
out from so much restlessness. She reported us and the trio got punished.
She was punished for sleeping in class and we (Steve and Cornelius) were
punished for juvenile misconduct. It didn’t stop there, we still did it like twice
in that same class and the class adjacent to ours. I recalled one day when I
misplaced my Mathematics Textbook, I had to take a classmates own (he kept
it carelessly) and I can’t go home without my books all in-tact. I changed the
cover, but had to return it at the end of the term when I recovered mine. It
was fun playing pranks in school.

@ Dani, u moved it to ?
let me know if i am at da rung zone,

Your post has been reported as a Spam and it appeared as Invisible. I will inform Seun about this. Thanks

Pls what do u mean by spam, how can i post a genuine work of mine and some1 says its spam, i want criticism for my work, dats all , dats why i put it in this section, it got moved and i wonder to where ? I checked up at the literature section again and i seem not to get all these xyz, move, spam, report to Admin , etc. Wats d ryt thing to do ? Your Highness , the moderator

Who is dis talk2ahmed sef copy copy. Copyin other peoples post. Lool at d way he compiled everytin 2gether sef. ur r nt funny, fuckin dry guy. I don't no why some pple just can't be original. I tire o!

@nellaluv, ur statement is natural of pessimists. I never claimed to attend all the secondary schools mentioned in the posts. I heard from many friends, i listen to conversations, i av interviewed more than 230 secondary school students and guys in tertiary institution about their stories. So whats the copy copy thing from? and again most of the tales had to be refined and those without any bearing or those that had no much appeal had to be droped. criitisize the message , not the messenger. finito!

12. As wise as MA’AMA
I used to think those endowed with outstanding beauty had nothing else to boast of save beauty. But I got it wrong in Cynthia Diete-Spiff, she was a jug of beauty and brains. She saunters elegantly and her almond eyes only reveals a little of her mental acumen.
Shrewd, light, smart, meek and intelligent lady from Rivers State. Much as we liked her fine qualities, we loathed the way she outwits everyone. How can she be an enigma forever? We must solve this riddle of a girl, we contemplated. But she was no one’s match. She maintained an unstained record of 1st position in class since her kindergarten days. Here we are in SS3 and the record remained unchallenged. As the head girl she had a control over many students’ activities but she hardly interferes with anyone’s activity. She had romance with books and she is easily aroused by the sight of a new textbook.

“Life is short.
Do not take Life for granted.
Live a balanced lifestyle and enjoy Life!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

I always reminisce over these words of Ma’ama; my seventy two years old granny before her demise in 1998. I loved Ma’ama so much for her counsel, admonitions and legends. She was in fact a raconteur and a repository of wisdom.
Such was the kind of person in Cynthia. As we prepared for WAEC exams, my school became a Mecca of activities. People came from far and near in search of the best coaching towards a successful examination. Extramural classes were scheduled for 4pm to 6pm daily except Sundays.
I observed a boy who left another school for ours, yet he hardly attends classes. A couple of times I saw him with Cynthia but I had no clues to the goings-on. Who am I to ask this guru. We’ll ask her academics, culture, and history. But do we have to ask after the minutest details of her private life? No! Let anyone ask but I won’t do that.
It was one afternoon that the whole truth came to me. We had a gist after solving a couple of questions together on Refractive Indices of special prisms. She recanted how one mugu of a guy fell.
The boy I observed closely, I later learnt was Harrison. He fell under the spell of Cynthia’s propelling beauty. He flirted and tried to pick up with her; tried as he could, he failed. But she was smarter she tried to make him fall more , so she posed a question to him. “You know we are still small, our parents must not know about these things, in fact for every minute I stand here, I feel my book has been over neglected, can you prove your love?”
And those were the magic words. They thrilled loverboy so much that she saw it in his eyes. He comes early before the time of lessons and locates Cynthia without hassles. The trouble however is that Cynthia was always in the company of three to four girls who stuck to her like butter on bread. They enjoyed her company and she used them as a shield against any intruder.

How then will Harry break-in she wondered. Harry had come one Tuesday so she sighted him and signaled him to come. She didn’t want his crest to fall any longer so as he came she introduced everyone there (four girls and a boy). “Here is Sylvia, Henrietta, Jane ….Binta and meet Ben-my kid brother”
He exchanged smiles and said his name hesitantly “Harry! That’s my name. You guys are so so wonderful”. With this the stage was set.
Loverboy suggest they go out to an eatery…in his bid to follow the unfailing trick of urbane lothario thinking she’ll accept the offer with excitement. And yes, he got Cynthia but she signaled her friends to follow suite. That was a big joke on lover’s boy. Will he bulge from substantiating his claim? Not likely.
They went and he hardly said anything. That’s what love does to the senses…when you are short of words to say how you feel about someone, be sure you are moving into an area of emotional affinity.
Sesame Inn and Resort was the spot. Everyone requested for a plate and a drink all in the name of Harry.
He never complained and he tried enough to mask his mind’s perturbations but we saw it and felt at home…after all he was in love.
N198 was the bill and Harry! What a lucky boy, he had just N200 left in his pocket. After paying this I wonder if his tank of fear will not burst into a dam of confusion. “Everyone thanked him and we all moved out in unison after the bash…” she recalls
With his tail behind they walked together and he remained speechless for over 15mins. Love indeed.
After this experience, he forfeited his lessons and his love for Cynthia.
Ben who was just a classmate enjoyed the whole drama; he was not in anyway related to Cynthia.




13. WONDERS AND GUTS
Tunmise’s brother-kenny was about three years older yet Tunmise was in the league of averagely excellent students. Unfortunately for me we were sitting together and whenever our test scripts are returned I don’t bother asking what hers is because she has a special way of getting better grade with each passing day. One thing I truly enjoyed about her was her readiness to share what she knows unlike other stingy brained dudes in class.
Sylvester,Benita and Kenny were a trio that represented the most classical humourist of FGC Malali Kaduna.
I and Tunmise were in the same class while Kenny and his team were in SS2 Science.
In what became a central talking point in school for month, Kenny was derided for acting alone and wanting the glory of a comedy to himself alone.
Or how do you explain this don-juanish chatting up? In a bus heading to Zaria one day as we returned home for a long break in December, Kenny started psyching a lady who should be in her early or mid-twenties. But that was the kind of nerve they possessed. They spoke and the other two watched from different positions in the bus; unable to really have a say in the ongoing discuss between Kenny and an elegant chick; she looked tall, round, slim and simmering with innocent babyish elegance. She may as well pass for a secondary school girl of 15 years.
She paid rapt attention to Kenny and chipped in one or two words as Kenny went on. They flowed well in their chat and she suggested he pays he a visit when he is free moreso that he was returning home for a long break. She mentioned so many things that made Kenny to surmise that she was single. Even when she tried to make him understand her ‘husbanded status’, Kenny desired to hear what his mind enjoyed. She mentioned her secondary school and Kenny told her he knew the school. He forgot what she said “ I wrote my WAEC in 94’ that would mean that she had graduated seven pretty years before us.
‘Angela please!’ that was what later became the codename for Kenny who is actually a boy. So how come Angela?
Kenny decided to push his exploits during the holidays and went neatly dressed. An outfit that would no doubt impress any boy or girl.
He knocked at the door and a househelp opened the door requesting who the visitor came to see “Angela , does she stay here?” ‘yes come in’ . Deep down his stomach he wished she could just come out and meet him. But he wanted to have a glimpse of the interiors of the home of a refined citygirl who beared no grudges as he sweet-talked her.
Unknown to him, Angela was a young officer’s wife -Flt Lietenant Samson Shilong a native of barkin ladi in Plateau state.
As his eyes met hers he smiled and she smiled back in concealed mischief. She knew someone would get stewed that day. She offered him water and he felt very much at ease as she sounded excited and comfortable with him. She excused him as her husband came in and Kenny’s ordeal finally started. After unanticipated x-raying and bandit-like cross-examination, he realized he was in an officer’s den and smacked by the crime of attempted unholy liaison. He started appealing “Angela plea…” “p.l.e.a.s.e…I am very sorry Sir!” “Angela p.l.e.a.s.e…” since he couldn’t recall the name he saw on the two large framed pictures in the sitting room, he could not help repeating the name of he girl he thought was as harmless as dove. He frantically pleaded, anxiously begged, cried uncontrollably, wept and appealed, to no avail. After several hours of humiliating punishment and frog-jumping through the house, with his soaked clothes, bruised limbs and aching joints he was released. He lost his precious wrist watch in the course of escape for his dear life and he understood better, the word ‘infatuation’ thereafter.

14. TOASTING SET UP
While in my 3rd year in secondary school, specifically close to the end of 2nd term in JSS3, I was good at integrated science and nothing more…a little average in other subjects but my English was real, real bad. This was due to my bad start; I didn’t have a good foundation in my primary days, all my teachers had serious intonation problem and honestly I had no choice of where else to be corrected, I grew up under my illiterate but kind grandma. She loved education with passion; she bought everything and anything I demanded for. But Sly,Omo Manager, and Omachie were my best friends and had some sort of influence on me in my early teenage days. They all had girlfriends, but I know nothing of such, I didn’t watch home movies for grandma believed they were too cultic and had negative violent influence on us. This limited my exposure and made my ploys and boyish maneuverings few, if any.
Nkiruka! Was a girl everyone liked, her annual choreographs and miming in the literary/debate day was second to none. My friends had persuaded me that Nkiruka liked me so I agreed to toast her and off they went to call her for me. What happened! My heart was beating like a sledge hammer and I was sweating badly like a thief caught with a pot of hot beans pot. When she finally came out, whatever was left of the things I had memorized flew away.
“Be calm” that was her response, she said this not because she liked me…but she could see glaringly that I am having the interview of my life. My friends contributed to the shit as they hid to catch the ‘gameplan’in places where I could feel their eyes on my mouth even though I couldn’t see them.
My tongue clung to the roof of my mouth, my eyes strayed away and my jittery frame was uncontrollable. The only succour was the fact that the Banana trees around the Medical Unit created some shield from passers-by.
She looked away a couple of times in subdued mockery shrouded in little smiles…my grammatical blunders must have got the comedy out of her. Parkinson’s disease? That’s close to what happened to me.
At the end she said if I had nothing to tell her, she’ll leave. She did and after that day we only exchange winks and smiles. My friends made jest of the ‘toastcapade’ even up to my final year in school. That is one funny experience that tested my maturity.

1[b]5. BAD GUYS’ CLUB[/b]
Hmm…I do not think, Mr. Clement Kokori (SAN) will ever forgive this, but I know I had to do some things not because it was in anyway right, but because it felt nice and daring.
They were my guardians and they placed a great premium on education, in fact apart from the invisible God that we all worship, I can say with all confidence that their physical god was ‘Book’. They made us fond of education and I am grateful to them for that.
But Kadiri, their first son and the second child in the family was not too-brilliant, and that troubled Mrs Clement so much.
Anyway, Kadiri was a class ahead of me, so he was my big brother somehow. He was in a league of bad friends even though he wasn’t particularly known to have any bad behavior. But from an average 17th or 20th position in class at the end of each term, he was coming 6th or 7th always one or two ahead of me.
April 8 1986 was the day I knew that Kadiri was a crook. He and his friends had gone to the School Storehouse just before the staff block. What for? They broke into the well-fortified building to steal sample of report sheets for Junior Section and senior section. Only heaven knew where Salihu(Shortie), the school guard manning that section had gone to…but all the same they got the report sheets reprinted from outside and Bingo! There was no one who ever failed again. That’s how they group got the name “FIRSTERS”. Only those within the group benefitted from this project, if you must have a share, you have to pay N14; that’s N2 less than the school fees. Oh my! Boys were bad then.
Forgery of the highest order; In fact I’ll say forgery and perjury because we had to all defend what was not ours. Our unsuspecting parents never doubted us, because we were ‘good kids’ only that we were expected to be the best guys in class. But how can that possibly be? We were the best in debates and Annual Science Olympiads, we always had stakes in the NASSACO (National Secondary Schools athletic Competition) and even Kadiri won in the UNDP Peace Project Competition twice. Other students in a class of 85 were not dummies to watch all these happen to just the Kokoris, never! So at the end of each term, students who had painstakingly studied came out with glowing grades; we studied too but we weren’t the best and that can’t be our fault. But our parents wanted to boast about us and we had to impress them after several trials.
All his friends too had their report sheets skillfully altered and how none of their parents ever came to school to really enquire about the progress and improvement in grades.
For punishing Gogwim and Caleb (Kadiri’s friends) we plundered Teacher Ada’s farm without him ever knowing who did and how it happened. In SS2 we had heard and read so much about girls…and obsession caught us like plague. On Saturdays/Sundays especially ,from the Hostel we would climb into the ceiling, thread carefully on the wooded part till we get to our female teacher rest room for a peep, one day we actually fell from the ceiling because Caleb stepped on the board and we came crashing down on our Commerce teacher. Wasn’t it a replay of creation day? Because this clearly is Eve we seemed to have said in the exchange of glances. She screamed thinking hoodlums were on the job. The next 3 weeks put emphasis on our notoriety.

16. NO MORE FUN
I carried d whole class on my head (I was last in class of 42). I got spoilt because I got almost anything I wanted from my Dad, at least being Daddy’s girl earned me so much rights. I was the only child of my parents even though my cousins Nwaneri, Okekeazor and Aloysius lived with us and we attended the same school. Blessed Academy of Christ, Eket…I remember this school with nostalgia.
It so happened that my Dad came to take us home as it was vacation time. When my dad arrived on the vacation day, I had no choice than to fake a sickness. I put on my tubed-top and stayed under the sheets. It looked so real because I was looking thin, fragile and malnourished; end of the terms are always like that, most people were broke and resorted to soaking garri for chops always.
Poor dad, he believed me, on getting home, he laid me on his bed (which is very rare). He took his shower and later checked my result. His remark got me thinking….how possibly could a little lad fall a three without a vigilant old man discerning where it will drop.
He said in Igbo “No wonder she is s.i.c.k”. He couldn’t do anything about it but he cut down all the holiday fun, the one-week long travels, the outings and the beach feasts were all no more.
But Maama, she still did the beating without Daddy knowing even though he’ll have consented to it in this case. She trashed me for two reasons; for not being like her brilliant self (I wouldn’t know what position she took in her school years) and for being more loved by my Daddy- a thing I had no control over. She knew clearly that I will choose my Dad many times over her, for reasons that were best known to nature. I loved Maama to but I loved Daddy more even up till this minute.
I thanked God for not repeating that class, yet I wasn’t bold to confront Oldman for a return of the good old day fun when I came 11th in a class of 52 in SS1.

I also recall that I was a bully then, as I was of large frame, I belonged to a group of girls(Sahara Sistaz)…. Then came the day of our reckoning it was during exam period and we were broke, so we had to come up with a plan. A junior's provision was the target. We had our plan carefully laid out and set to action. (It was a sunday night when we were supposed to be preparing for exams)
After our paper the next day, as I was going into the hostel, there were some seniors waiting for me at the courtyard. They beat the living day light out of me. They gathered all of us into a room and beat us, and then they took us to the house mistress who asked for a statement. We all gave our statement. While some denied knowledge of the theft, I denied ever knowing that the goods were stolen.
Well, that was what marked the turning point of my life. Not that there were no other bad acts, but the stealing aspect was stopped and my friends changed for the better.



18. IMAGINE!
I attended command secondary school, Jos and later transferred to an all girls school. I recall there was this terrible house captain back then in octopus house; she was a nightmare to many of us. Unluckily for me I fell into her trap and she gave me serious punishments to do. After sometime, i claimed to have fainted, gnashing my teeth in such a way to suppress any face contraction. There was so much panic it was so obvious she was so afraid, afraid for the possibility of getting punished. She could be expelled if it got to the school authority, with the help of the health prefect they tried to revive me after sometime I pretended to wake up, they were all so relieved, she cooked for me and pampered me. Right inside me I maintained a mocking silence. It was this incidence that shielded me from the bullies. Most prefects were afraid of giving me hard punishments. Because they couldn’t tell when the next fainting would come.
Niyiola, May God forgive you…you gassed us at will in every class, spoiling the air and making everyone culprit. We hated it but we couldn’t help Niyi’s infamy.
I was really stubborn so i got into lots of mess in junior classes, i played a lot of pranks and it was fun though. i look back at the memories and wish i could experience it just once more. I remember planning with my other partners to put a bit of cow trash in the soup during visiting day, this was a target meant for those greedy seniors who stayed at the dormitory entrance to bully junior students of the food and provisions brought for them. We hid our main food-flask and provisions in our class locker and planned to sneak it in later during the social night event. When we approached, the greedy seniors did not even waste time; as usual they told us to bring our food over. They ate the food, and gave us the plates to wash or do as we wished with it, afterall it was ours. We kept on laughing as we moved on. It later got to their ears that we spiced the soup with trash and we were seriously punished, but most of them were so uncomfortable for days.
After this we had our meal to us alone, no senior fancied eating any junior’s food any longer. Good riddance to bad srubbish!
When I got to senior classes, i was somehow a bully mainly due to long years of indoctrination (in my junior class).
Junior students use to run away to avoid my group of friends then, I remember making a bow leg girl do pick-pin and other hard punishments, I felt really bad after this, but the girl was so rude and saucy and refused to turn up for labour, so to prove a point i made her pick pin and other punishments, after that she got the message and never missed any labour I supervised.