My fiancee and I have been going out for close to two years now, and are making wedding plans for next year. She came across her ex-boyfriend a few months ago and it looks like the fireworks started again. Apparently their separation was due to circumstances beyond their control, but now they are both 'free'.

At first i thought it was something I could brush off, but now it is getting irritating - she tells me of how often he calls her, saying stuff like "I would still go out with you if you were not engaged. I still love you, but I don't want to come between the two of you". etc. I thought she would have some sense and tell the guy its over, but she still goes and visits him.

I don't hamper her movements, so i told her she was free to go wherever she wanys as long as she knows what she's doing. Then one day she comes to tell me that she doesnt know anymore, that she wishes she could turn the two of us (me and the guy) into one person - how ludicrous. I told her she wants to eat her cake and have it, and she said yes. [She's always been a little weird, i didn't find that response surprising] She says she can't get herself to just 'drop' him, and yet she doesnt want to lose me.

The problem now is i really like her, and i have been really good to her. I don't know what she sees in this guy that's confusing her, because
1. I am older than he is by 2 years
2. He's still a bloody parent-dependent student of University of Lagos
3. Their relationship was platonic - i met my fiancee "intact" and very naive, but we've gone all the way
4. She confessed sometime ago of having been slightly afraid of him because he was secretive
5. She says I look better than he does
6. I give her everything (and i mean everything) she asks for that i can give.
7. The guy has had seven girlfriends in 3 years and counting, she's my second ever.

I am lost, because i still fucking LOVE this girl despite her issues. She asked me if i would take her back if something bad happened and she wanted to come back to me, I said yes [and i meant it] but she said guilt wouldn't let her return. She keeps saying I am too good for her and she's scared she will hurt me (again i.e referring to the fact that i have been dumped before). Meanwhile i suspect the guy, he's going to have a fling for old times' sake and drop her like she's hot. That would make her lose both ways and she may never be able to face me again. And i can't bear that happening to her.

I have refused to command her not to see him, or force her to choose between me and him because I want her decision to be entirely hers I have even laughed over the situation with her. I don't believe in pushing but i don't want to lose her either. I keep wondering, is there something i am not doing right? Why the hell would she be suddenly acting funny over a relation ship that she killed by herself for 3 years?

I used to think these shitty stories only existed in the vivid imaginations of writes for magazines like Hints, but now i find myself smack in the middle of one.

Maybe u really ain't worth her and from ur story, u deserve more than that.

my advice, leave her alone and let her get burnt then she'll know know. "u really don't know wat u've got until its gone".

she's prolly sulking to u cos she knows u're in deeply in love with her.

all the best!

I guess, she doesn't love you as much has you love her and you know what they say: Love is a 2 way street!!!

One question for you, Are you both from the same ethnic group?

A friend of mine found himself in a similar situation, and the only excuse she gave was that they weren't from the same tribe, that she would rather be with the ex that is her clan . (how lame)

We are from the same ethnic group (Yoruba), and the funny thing is; her parents and siblings disapproved her previous relationship with the guy.

im tempted to say some thing here.

Is she keeping you for lust or love?
because this sound like 70:30


if you want to be safe. Start training yourself for an heart break, you might be luck though

but this is no a good situation for you. A woman always knows what she want from a relationship.
or ladies what do you think?

Gridlock:

We are from the same ethnic group (Yoruba), and the funny thing is; her parents and siblings disapproved her previous relationship with the guy.

hmmm--- that makes it even more difficult to understand.

my brother, prepare yourself for anything. like a popular pidgin english stated 'old firewood must catch fire'. that is what your girl is experiencing now. look do the best u can. talk the length u can. act the capacity u can. your relationship is going through trying times. u have to be realistic in approach.
u did well by stating the edges u have over the guy but the point is u never can predict what rocks a woman's boat. why do u think mel gibson did the movie 'what women want?' step up and show her more care and attention. relationship no be only fanta and meat-pie o. there are some times u have to deal with the gravels.
but if no headway in the results, my guy bolt.

Gridlock:

she wishes she could turn the two of us (me and the guy) into one person

The girl is a JOKER

Well, shit happens. It's either it works out or it packs up. Be preapred for any situation that crawls up.

Just when one doesn't expect a heartbreak, that's when it hits most

your story is so familiar i really empathize with you. I don't think she loves her ex any more than she loves you. I just don't think your relationship has been tested yet. You know what i think?, and is from how similar your story is to the one i know of ? i think she will sleep with him, obviously without you knowing and that would get him out her system. I know you don't want to hear it and you should not have to put up with her talks about him but i think she will sleep with him and  you wont have a clue. But you need to tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore. But your story is so weirdly familiar and i think you two will be fine. Just let her know you are not happy with the way she talks and she is sowing seeds of doubt in your mind and that can't be helpful in your coming married life together. All the best , don't do anything rash.

my guy, i feel so bad for you because i  know what you are going tru.
the first thing i would say is that: she is folloing the guy becasue

1: he is a student of UNILAG, i know what i did when i was in lag too

2; maybe the guy is a flirt and wants to use that to hurt her back for their break up

3: dont worry it is not your fault it is just lust and she will come back to her senses and i hope it is very very soon.

my advice to you as a brother is for you to
1; dont hold her back;

2: give her a open mind, as in make her like 50 50 in your mind

3; take one of her friends that is single and give that one all the attention and buy gifts for her  but dont date her oooo bros

then if she comes back to her senses, do small shakara for like some weeks I.E don't say no or yes

did i hear you say risky, that is the only way forward.

casper very bad advice from you, he seems very matured what you asking him to do is so lame and school boyish to say the least.

@Gridlock
its silly how sometimes women dont see a good thing when they have it, i am guilty too, i just dont know why? anyway, she is feeling so cock sure and acting like she could order you to eat crap from her hands, just because you are not the typical bastard to her. She will soon realise that the ex is a joke and stick by you. She is hooked on an illusion(the ex) . Trust me it will pass

I think i understand your plight and more annoying is the fact that if you were advicing someone,you would have told him to dump her. Anywayz i think you should just give a some space to make her decision (even though it might hurt). Just remember it could have been worse if you were already married, if she truely loves you she'll definitely come back.

move on with your life ,cause she is not worth it,and how are you not sure if you both get married she would go on cheating on you,cause its obvious she is a cheat ,i wonder why some ladies get a good guy yet they can't appreciate?

Eurphoria:

casper very bad advice from you, he seems very matured what you asking him to do is so lame and school boyish to say the least.

@Gridlock
its silly how sometimes women don't see a good thing when they have it, i am guilty too, i just don't know why? anyway, she is feeling so cock sure and acting like she could order you to eat crap from her hands, just because you are not the typical bastard to her. She will soon realise that the ex is a joke and stick by you. She is hooked on an illusion(the ex) . Trust me it will pass

you are just being very unfair to the guy, what do you want him to do while she is lusting? just mop like your childish brian said., well you are a girl i dont blame you.

selfish brat

Okay i guess i want to be like everyone and say that you are way too good for her and she is not worth your time but i can't say that casue though i feel that way no one is actually seeing the positive side to it.

Gridlock:

We are from the same ethnic group (Yoruba), and the funny thing is; her parents and siblings disapproved her previous relationship with the guy.

i did initially think that your fiancee was a tad out of way, untill i saw this post, you might not know this but there's actually something very daring about opposition and if a girl has to maintain a relationship wth a guy even when her parents are totally against it then there's probably more to it. She's either rebelling or just really likes ths guy i personally wouldn't advise you to mantain a relationship with her especially if she's going to marry you and spend the rest of her life regretting that decision.
My advice would be for you to break of the engagement and allow her to date him.
There's a saying that goes
'if you love something let it go if it doesn't come back it was never really yours if it does then, '

1: he is a student of UNILAG, i know what i did when i was in lag too

So frigging what? lol lol lol unilag whoopee bloody doo

3: don't worry it is not your fault it is just lust and she will come back to her senses and i hope it is very very soon.

is that not what i said too? i said it would pass . If i ever find a spot for a parrot i'll give you a shout

my advice to you as a brother is for you to
1; don't hold her back;

2: give her a open mind, as in make her like 50 50 in your mind

how is that possible when he loves her so much, u think its an emotion he can just solve by a quick mathematical anaylsis? lmao

3; take one of her friends that is single and give that one all the attention and buy gifts for her but don't date her oooo bros

and you accuse another of having a childish brain lmao lol, and check you reasoning, ''dont date her'' lol what are you 12?

then if she comes back to her senses, do small shakara for like some weeks I.E don't say no or yes

school boy mentality all the way ''shakara'' huh have a word son!

The advice of a teenage brain, next time you address me better do better than call throw ''brat'' my way , i eat boys like you for dinner

@Grid
goodluck is all i say from now on, you need to talk to her and tell her she is being out of order talking about him like that and she is being disrespecful too.

Eurphoria:


So frigging what? lol lol lol unilag whoopee bloody doo

is that not what i said too? i said it would pass . If i ever find a spot for a parrot i'll give you a shout
how is that possible when he loves her so much, u think its an emotion he can just solve by a quick mathematical anaylsis? lmaoand you accuse another of having a childish brain lmao lol, and check you reasoning, ''don't date her'' lol what are you 12?school boy mentality all the way ''shakara'' huh have a word son!

The advice of a teenage brain, next time you address me better do better than call throw ''brat'' my way , i eat boys like you for dinner

@Grid
goodluck is all i say from now on, you need to talk to her and tell her she is being out of order talking about him like that and she is being disrespecful too.

        "thats hot".,,,,, paris hilton

i had to use someone stupid's words to repond to you. that is sad

ha ha why are you analyzing my words!! you are freaking hilarious! i have given you something to do, jobless

well anyways  my words
      " for all you fakeass leaches i give them something to bite"                  LOL


CRAWL OFF JOBLESS!!!

@Casper and Eurphoria
Thanks for the advice, y'all and you don't need to be at each other's necks. No need at all.

There is an added complication now: we planned to go and see her parents before the end of this year, and now her mom just sent a message saying its OK to come and "meet the parents". Meanwhile I have given her the red card

She first asked for two weeks to sort herself out. At first i agreed, but later I told her that since my presence was stifling her, she should just go to the guy. She asked if she had ever said she would, and i told her, her actions were speaking louder than her words, like she was warning me "Dont be shocked by the time X happens o". Then she said if that was what I wanted, she would go, but not to Him. Damn it, that's [b]NOT [/b]what i want, but i don't want to feel used either. I am gambling that she will make up her mind fast and come back . . .

We haven spoken since then, and I don't want to make her look bad before her mamma (I know she's just young and confused).

if you have given her the red card that is your descision

and i know you still love her but if you feel your heart is not letting her go, try as much to resolve it and try to explain to her that it is just lust and nothing more.

and the ways you can resolve it by praying, fasting works too, see a pastor, or just see a marriage therapist.

Best of luck Bro, follow your heart.

not a problem Grid, good luck with the situation

gridlock

let her go the last thing u want is to marry her and she cheats on u, im sure there are many other yoruba girls out there for u to marry ok, take care and goodluck, and see htis as a positive thank ur God that she is acting like this now not after the wedding.

@Everybody:
She's come back to apologise 2day. I guess the shock therapy was what she needed - I guess i scared her when i said 'End of Relationship', she wrote me a letter of apology and how her mind is made up now. She hadn't thought I would take it seriously. I guess there's no way she wd hav explained herself to anybody.

We've made up now. I'm glad she came back.
Thanks everybody.

i screamed for JOY when i saw this your post, your case was really disturbing me men. BUT I THANK GOD ON YOUR BEHALF.
thank God it was not too late.

happy for you bro.

gridlock

what the heck did u just do, a girl who was about to cheat on u wiht her ex after u proposed to her is who u took back. wow, i guess there are still some dumb guys out there, well u know what they say, the nice ones are always teh last to know. be very careful of a girl like that, her heart is not with u now and it will never be, the only reason why she came back is because the other guy does not like her enough to wnat to date her or marry her, so basically u are nothing but a backup plan. this will blow up in the future, i just hope its in her face not yours.

Good luck and God bless u, (u need it )

gridlock is blinded by love. Sure i know how it feels, you just cant let go easily.
Its obvious she's not in love with you except she wasnt your fianceee like you said.
In this age you love with your head not your heart to be safe.

You said "end of relationship" and she was shocked? Shes really confused or was she expecting to keep both of you.

Anyway its ur hands. I wouldnt accept such a girl back so fast. I'll give her time to gain her composure and find out what she really wanted.

i feel you layi

i think grid is cool headed and weird kind of.
But for those who also think that they can be as lucky as she was 4gt it.
Normal men wont. I wouldnt if i were him at least not that quick
_{ops am a chic i almost 4got}

Fact is she cant eat her cake & have it. She should make up her mind about who she rily wants & fast too.

abeg dont fall for that crap letter o!!! its means absolutely nothing aside showing that she's probably GENUINELY confused. My ex too went thru a similar stage but then still dumped me in the end.
Better still prepare your mind for the worst, it will most probably happen. Don't be in a hurry to meet ha parents yet too, cos this conditions dont add up. It questions your own intgrity more than hers if you meet ha parents and u guys still breaak-up, Our society tends to always be sympathetic with the female gender, be careful o!!!!

Dump that trick. Trust me. Let her go. If not she go just dey carry yah head clean yansh up and down. Useless girl.

U in trouble

you know some people need to learn for themselves, i say sit her down and you both should really talk, i like the fact that you are not pushy but you are giving her the chance to cheat on you, you should be frank with her, i doubt you would want her back if she cheats, so i say do the break up your self b4 she breaks up with you cuz its evident that it will happen, when a woman starts thinking about going back to her ex 70% of her heart is gone back to him.