“If any boy/man walks up to you, tell him ‘Get
thee behind me Satan” (My mother to me,
when I was 13. Now she hounds me for a
husband. I still love her though.)

Get thee behind me? It’s not everyday I get to
hear that I’m beautiful, even if it is a half-
hearted and tongue-in-the-cheek compliment
from someone who is just as naive as I am.

“If you don’t learn how to cook and clean now,
your husband’s people will send you back after
you get married. And it will be your own
disgrace. Not mine”
But I can pay a cook or a cleaning lady.

“If any man starts telling you are beautiful, it is
because he wants to sleep with you and ruin
your life.”
What if it’s just an honest compliment? What
are you afraid of? The fact that someone else
told me when you wouldn’t?

“Don’t let it get into your head.”
Which of the “its”? That I’m beautiful? That I
have a head that thinks? That I know who I
am? That I’m proud of the woman I’m
becoming?

“All my friend’s daughters married as virgins.
Their husbands worship her (their mother)”
My purpose in life is not to make my
mother proud. And the husbands, did
they marry as virgins too? Who issues
these virginity plaques?

“Time is not on your side”
Nah! I have nothing but time. You’re the one
who is in a hurry for grandchildren. I still have
a long way to go.

“A man is a woman’s crowning glory. If you
have everything and you don’t have a husband,
you’re incomplete.”
Women like Oprah? I am whole, on my own.
Not an appendage to anyone.

“Don’t tell him you won’t cook. He won’t stay”
Bait and switch? But I hate cooking. Along with
many other women duties.

“What do you mean you’re not sure you want
children? Have you lost your mind?”
I’m not sure I have the “mother gene”. Besides,
there are millions of children who have no
home. I can adopt.

“The way to a man’s heart is his
stomach. If you don’t take care of him,
someone who knows his value will
snatch him from you.”
Let them take him. I don’t want a man who
lives by bread alone.

“Wait. What will you people be eating?”
Sometimes I buy soups from Ebe-Ano. Or I get
take-out from the office cafeteria.

“So tell me, if you don’t cook, what will you be
doing at home with your husband?”
We’ll have conversations about making the
world a better place, and sustainable energy,
and depression. We’ll argue about politics. And
if Chance the Rapper is a gospel artiste or not. we'd be havin Sex. lots of it while waiting for the ordered food to arrive There are many other things we could be
doing.

“You have no home training, how do you want
to live in your husband’s house?”
Does my husband have any home training? Is
he learning to live with his wife?

“You are not changing your last name? What
has gotten into this child?”
How does keeping my name make me any less
his wife? Why can’t he change his last name
too?

“You are too opinionated. I don’t think any
man will want to spend the rest of his life with
you. A woman should be submissive.”
I think, therefore I am. (After all of these years
you still don’t know I can’t be silenced.)

“This dress! What is your mission in this
dress?”
Don’t tell me what to wear. Tell your
sons and husbands not to stare.

“Don’t show your laps!”
Just go home and pray against strange
women.

“A well brought-up woman does not live alone.
She should stay with her parents or guardians
till she is ready for marriage. Society frowns at
it.”
Who is this society you speak of?

“Always better when he loves you more than
you love him”
LOL! Yeah. And when he stops loving me?
“Are you being mean to men?”

Nah! I just want what I want. And I’m not very
good at pretending.

“Don’t be too picky.”
I see why you ended up with your … uhm, never
mind.

“A woman’s beauty fades quickly. Like a
flower”
Ha! I don’t think so. I’ve been getting better
with age.

“What exactly is wrong with him? You just
don’t like him.”
He types like a three year-old, and he has a
sense of entitlement. And I just don’t like him.

“Did you ever read the Urhobo folk tale about a
girl named Oyeghe? She was so picky and
ended up marrying a goblin.”
If I marry a goblin I’ll divorce him.

“The problem with you is you think too much.
There is nothing to think about. Just let’s
make this work”
Are you afraid that if I make a logical decision I
won’t pick you?

“Anyone you see, just bring him home. Let us
meet him.”
I am not anyone-ing my life.

“You’re looking at the body when you should
be looking at the engine”
At least I’m looking at something. What did
you look at in your time?

“You’re getting closer to thirty. Don’t become
an old maid like Mrs. Lagbaja’s daughter”
Who made thirty the cut-off age for
women?

“When I was your age, I already had you and
your younger brother.”
When you were my age, you didn’t know about
finding yourself, and purpose and all the things
we care about now.

“You’re now a veteran single girl”
At least I’m good at something.

“So there is this vigil on Friday for the singles
in church. We have to break every yoke that’s
preventing our sisters of marriageable age from
getting married”
I think our sisters just know what they want
now.

“What of the other man they introduced you to
after service last Sunday?”
We’re an obvious mismatch. I told him I was a
Writer and he said “Wow! You do work with
computer?”

Why did you say your last date went terribly
wrong?
He said he doesn’t believe women should
work.

I thought you met someone? Have you chased
this one away too?
He went away by himself. Was I supposed to
chase after him?

“At ur age I already had you and your
younger brother “.
you were bored then that’s why, as
you can see, I am busy.

What is a girl like you looking for on
Tinder?
Options. A larger dating pool.
http://thenakedconvos.com/conversations-modern-single-womans-clap-back-guide/