If you happen to be a registered user, you have either been on Nairaland for a while now, or you are completely new to the ways of this forum. But either way;

You were quick to notice them when you joined nairaland. And you wanted to be like them, to be a cool person. So you started spending your nights hooked to your device, much as you would never admit it, surveying different sections of the forum with sharp eyes, gleaning and absorbing rapidly, how these chaps did their thing.

How, when they strolled the streets of Nairaland, mammoth trees swayed in praise to the breezy wind that accompanied their gait. And when tiny little things sprouted their heads from nowhere and tried to cause traffic, they whipped out exotic, breezy slurs from the insides of their coats that flung those begets of men away.

When the time came, you sought to replicate what you had learned at night. But it just never did happen for you.

Never mind all that happened before. You have suffered enough, this is how to be cool on Nairaland.

Or maybe you have hitherto never tried to be a cool Nairalander. Nairaland has suffered an exodus of cool people in recent times and there is a need to fill those spaces again. You are in luck, this is your chance to be great.

One. Use a very fine picture. If your eyes have always worked like eyes are supposed to, you must have noticed how important this is. A guy with beard potential grows a fine one which he must trim every now and then.

You must have noticed how girls have flocked around guys with fine beard for a while now. #BeardGang remains bae. Fine beard is a handy thing to have, most of the girls will like you. And when girls like you a lot, there are only two options for guys: they either envy you and act hostile to you all the time or they envy you but pretend to be cool with you so that a little bit of your charm with girls might rub off on them. And most guys will choose the second option, everyone knows only crazy people have time to insult people all day on Nairaland.

If you know yourself to be worwor, never make the grave mistake of using your own pictures, even if friends try convincing you otherwise.

Use pictures of halfclad girls with wide hips and voluptuous bosoms that you change periodically. Even though you may not be fine, this portrays you as a big boy who knows what is good in life.

Whatever you do, never make the mistake of photoshopping your pictures, or passing them through those ridiculous filters. If you are ever caught, your career will be over. Whispered sentences while gossiping about you will end in " .. and he's a guy o" What a lady may do, a guy must never try. Well, not until you attain legendary status.

If you happen to be a girl, Front and back. Photoshop. Pushup bra. Photo filters. Plenty Make up. Booty pads. Verily, I trust that you understand these terms even better than I.

To be the quintessential cool chap however, there is something of utmost importance: that you be a yuppie, or a cool university-going person.

Slip in occasional phrases, sometimes anecdotes of events at school or work totally unrelated to the topic. Occasional though, because you do not want to be seen as trying too hard. If not, lie. Talk about how your last exam was so awesome that the examiner will be absolutely dazed when they mark your scripts. Or about that co-worker you are dead sure has a thing for you. If you study at Omugwe Community Polytechnic or remain a secondary school student, lie. Make it known that you study at Oduduwa University. For obvious reasons: Less popular university, unlikely anyone reading your post is a student there.

Whatever school you claim however, it is advised that you never reveal your department, lest you put the final nail in your own coffin.


Signatures are big markers of identity. They line every of you posts at the bottom. They are definitely one of those items which have been known to upthrust a nairalander's status. And this is why it is imperative that you have a signature. My dictionary says a signature is a 'distinctive, characteristic indicator of identity. ' In simple english, it is a pointer to how special you are, that you are not one of them.



Repeat this to yourself: "I am not one of them." Again. "I am not one of them." Again. "I am n.."


Another of those mistakes you must ensure to never make is advertising your wares in the space that is supposed to house your signature. That is a thing for hustlers. And you are not one of them. So use a greek or latin phrase instead. No, not "Que Sera Sera" or any of those mainstream ones, find a more obscure phrase. The trick is in never translating to English, it helps the mystery linger. If they're clever, they'll use goggle to find out what it means. If not, you're the person who knows funky latin or greek phrases.

Remember, you are not anyone's mate. Therefore, in commenting, ensure your posts are frequently dignified. Nigerian schooling systems are abysmal, everyone knows that, but you did not go to their kind of schools and so cannot afford to write like them, you do not want to be mistaken for a riffraff. Clamp down disagreeing opinions with might. Haters will call your tone brutish, all-conquering, and all-knowing. But that one is their problem. Remember, the only reason why people hate you is because they wish they were you.

If you tick the female box on forms, you will be told in that familiar tone about how rude you are, how you barely have any respect for guys even if in the end, you will seek to end up in a guy's house anyway. Do not despair, ignore them most of the time. But you must clapback every now and then, just so bashing you never becomes the in-thing and every one of them begins to mention you frequently.

Never PM the other sex. Never for the biggest reason most people do anyway. Why? It robs you of your air of mystery, the same way farting or puking robs otherwise scrupulous people of daintiness. Besides, who knows what catfish was laying in wait for you? Don't play yourself. You may occasionally flirt with other members of the cool club however. Never anything explicit, all flirting must be shrouded in a mesh of vagueness. It would not be flirting otherwise, would it? So, quote those replies and return them with teasing ones of yours, but never go too far. You do not want to have regrets in the end.

Creation of threads. Create cool threads only, and in dignified sections of the forum. You must never be caught dead say, on the sexuality board, displaying traits of a sex-starved muthafucker claiming to be a player. Everyone who knows anything understands that those ones are frustrated d.ic.ks.

Once you have ascended the pedestal of cool Gees, you may never enter contests like Mr or Ms Nairaland. Are you one of them? You may vote however, for that incredibly cute guy or girl, and then even just once or twice during the entire phase of the competition. It is better that you never vote though. Because you are up here, and the rest of them are down there.

You will sometimes meet other individuals of the cool person gang, learn to tread carefully, respect for respect, don't do anything stupid, and you will be on your way to becoming a bonafide member of the cool club.

Well articulated. I will keep in mind.
Thanks!