[size=18pt]Hurting The One You Love[/size]
Gladys OMORAGBON

Quite often people always hurt the one they truly love. The other day you passed some unkind comments on your spouse’s neglect of his marital obligations in the presence of his friends, did you watch his reaction to you? The other time you spoke roughly to him in the presence of his relatives, did you know you dented his or her image and self esteem.


Perhaps you spoke the truth, but it was truth spoken at the wrong time. The problem is not so much, with what you said as to how you said it, when you said it and where you said it.


Many couples have formed the habit of criticism and it has become ingrained in them. Everyone has their own personal style of criticism. One woman say her husband always give his remarks as little stingers and jokes. But they hurt. Whatever the style, a steady barrage of criticism can have a corrosive effects on a relationship and gradually undermine the good feelings that brought the two people together. If such criticism continues over time, a couple may find themselves focusing only on their partner’s faults and will be matching each other barb for barb. The slightest criticism, if repeated often can have a negative effect on a relationship. The critic will eventually realise that the carping isn’t getting much accomplished. Hence you hear couples saying that they didn’t know it was going to be like this. Don’t forget love is not an aspirin that you take at night and it makes you get up refreshed in the morning.


No, love is not the cure. Many times, it is the cause of the pain. It hurts to love, for we are never hurt by those we care nothing about. If we would always re-collect that we are imperfect, we should not be in such a fever when we find our friends and love ones failing. After all, the cleanest field of wheat has it share of weeds. The most careful driver one day upsets the cart, the cleverest cook spills a little broth seeing all of us are full of faults, we ought to keep two bets, and learn to bear with one another-since we all live in glass houses we should not throw stones. Other men’s imperfections, show us our imperfections, for one sheep is much like another.


It takes more faith to love some people than others. This is especially true of people who have an abrasive personality.


People that have been hurt do not respond well to others. Usually, they have walls up because they are afraid of getting too close to others and opening themselves up to being hurt again. When we choose to recognise and encourage the positive qualities in others, we are strengthening and building them up.


When we treat people like they are valuable and build them up, their walls of defence come down. They begin to trust us and open their hearts. Love makes allowances for people. Love recognises the weaknesses in others but chooses not to make a big deal out of them.


Let us go the extra mile and do unto others as we would have them do onto us. I know it is difficult to be around people who are demanding and hard to please but also know that fault is thick where love is thin.


Why do people hurt the one they love? Is it that they enjoy doing it and seeing their loved ones hurt?. No I don’t think they want to hurt their loved ones. There are numerous reasons why you hurt the ones you love. The first reason is fear. In our society today, we have an epidemic of insecurity. One partner maybe afraid of being hurt, abandoned by the other or of being rejected. In other cases, the criticism maybe a misguide way of trying to communicate. The husband who lashes out at the wife with “you are never here on time, I can’t count on you” etc is really asking for sympathy or even an apology. Criticism then becomes an indirect and ineffective way of trying to get one’s needs taken care of.


People with low opinion of themselves often extend the same critical eye to their partners. Complex is one of the reasons for criticism. Anything the other person does is better than yours. This lead to fault-finding. Our relationships will improve considerably by exchanging a fault-finding mindset for one of encouragement and edification.


Also, many people criticize because their expectations are not in line with reality. Their standard are so high that no one could live up to them. If two people enter a marriage feeling their relationship should always be peaceful and their spouse would satisfy their every want and need, they are going to be disappointed and they may snarl at their mate. If a couple discovers that the theme of criticism runs deep in their marriage or relationship, its time to examine motives and talk it over. The first thing to do is to discover your own underlying patterns and open yourself up to learning new communication skills and ways to express your feelings.


If a man is using criticism as a way to making a request, get some support or just ventilate feelings, learn to express his needs directly. In any relationship, it helps to simply learn how to phrase requests. But if a partner is feeling so angry threatened or hurt that she simply wants to wound, then she may likely offer insults than insights. Take a break, a walk, deep breath, then come back and discuss the issue when two of you had cool off.


It is important to remember that the issue is not who is right or wrong, but to search for place where both partner’s needs can be met and both of their perspective understood.


We can choose to think and talk about the positive aspects of our spouse, children, co-workers and our relationships will increase considerably for the best.

http://www.nigerianobservernews.com/01102009/features/features3.html

iice:

Hmmm i agree with some parts of the article.

I think couples need to be more open and communicate better so as to avoid hurting each other unnecessarily.

TRUE YOU TALK. some people feel hurting others is cool