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Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by jashar(f): 10:20am On Sep 05, 2016 |
Confused I am. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by 5minsmadness: 11:19am On Sep 05, 2016 |
tearoses: Hehehe. I was about to respond pugnaciously then i saw the moniker. No, i did not say men have no self control. In fact, quite the opposite. MEN ARE ALL ABOUT SELF CONTROL. The base instinct of any man is sex. A man is called a gentleman by a woman because he doesnt ask for sex. A man is mature because he can control himself in sexual situations. A man sees a woman he likes and no matter how intelligent she is upstairs... Its sex he is thinking about. He may mask it and play the nice guy, romantic guy, supportive guy, save a hoe (pls pardon my french) guy, the bottom line is, he's either giving himself reasons to have sex or not to have sex with the woman. Its actually in response to Bukatyne's previous thread on what a man wants. I've been out of circulation for a while so it was the first thing that came to mind. In fact the only reason you think they are not depraved animals is because they havent all asked you for sex 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Bibitayo2: 11:23am On Sep 05, 2016 |
A guy almost raped you.... and you are thinking on how to move on? He's a molester. 1 Like |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by 5minsmadness: 11:26am On Sep 05, 2016 |
cococandy: Clarified. I didnt read it to the end. Was thinking about Bukatyne's thread. And yes, what he did wasn't right, I'm not in support of his sexually assaulting her. In fact i'm surprised she (a single lady) let him (a single, bigger male) live with her in the first place. Females tend to underestimate men and sex. She's lucky he didnt outright rape her. Unless... Hmmmm. Unless she was kind of expecting him to. You know, not really rape as in rape her but at least engage in sexual relations. ...and he refused to take the hint... Hence her frequent irritability.... How is one forced to give a handjob anyway.... with cream..... Anyway, none of my business. 1 Like |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by TV01(m): 11:46am On Sep 05, 2016 |
One thing that struck me here is that you appear to be somewhat honest - although not going into that much detail - about what transpired here. Normally I'd pass, I prefer sharing with men, not least because they tend to be able to deal with the hard facts better. I may touch on some points from your narration, but that is not really the issue here. What happened to you is merely symptomatic of the kind of character you're developing and person you are turning out to be. I say "developing" and "to be", because I'm hopeful that this will be a turning point for you, that you'll go away and develop the kind of character that will keep you from such situations in future. Otherwise, you'll potentially turn out as many we see, becoming almost irretrievably "damaged". Due to empowerment, liberty, freedom or whatever you want to term it, you've been able to get yourself into situations you simply do not have the maturity, experience or life-skills to deal with. In short, you, like many others, did not have the wherewithal to enter the kind of adult relationship you desired. Although you probably thought you did. What you should do is simply forget about him, and any kind of intimate relationship for the time being. I have no idea of your antecedents in terms of culture, family upbringing, faith etc., but you need to pay attention to those things and develop a robust character. Learn about relationships in their fullest sense, and not just as a response to lust or desire. About committed, healthy, fruitful relationships, About relationships where people seek to give as opposed to merely receive, to invest time, effort and sacrifice if need be. The closer to home these are the better. Socialise widely, have lots of different interests, passions and friends/associates. Travel, broaden your horizons, mature and have more time to reflect instead of simply feel. Grow into yourself, not just what you see around you or that the world presents. I believe a solid foundation in Christ is the best way to deal with this, but I am not being prescriptive, and while Christianity speaks to more than character and relationships, there are other ways to develop them. Alternatively, being as yet unformed in the fullest sense, you could bounce around from one toxic situation to the next, and serialise being in bad, possibly abusive relationships. They'll affect you deeply, and you'll build up a defense of sorts in order to deal with it, without ever dealing with the underlying issue. That will leave you wounded and bitter, and most likely unable to be the wonderful partner, or form the wonderful relationship we all desire. Your choice, all the best. TV To those women who will hear, you are best served by leaving these kind of encounters until you are mature, and when you are, forming serious, chaste relationships with a view to finding a spouse - my take. NSBM. macarena: 4 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by 5minsmadness: 11:48am On Sep 05, 2016 |
In fact, if we were to psychoanalyze this: She has been crushing on the guy for some time now but apparently he has friendzoned her. Guy moves into her place and she doesnt raise a hair about it. Seems like she didnt mind at all. What, he has no male friends he can bunk with? I'd say she was glad he moved in. Happy even. Increased irritability. Quarreling over everything and nothing in particular. Sound familiar? When a couple living together quarrel over everything and nothing then two things are involved: miscommunicated attractability or dashed expectations. I think both were present here. Guy takes liking to a girl outside. Op goes ballistic. Starts a quarrel. In some magical way the quarrel leads to a cream assisted handjob. After which the supposed assailant threathens to leave and indeed leaves. Supposed victim is devastated that supposed assailant is leaving and seeks for a way to get him back. On the flip side, do you realise how dejected op might be feeling? That the guy was big enough to overpower her and even get her to do a handjob yet didnt see her desirable enough to have full blown sex with her? Do you think from her writeup that she feels like a victim of sexual harrassment? No. She's acting the part of a dejected lover. She's acting like she lost something instead of happy that he is finally gone. Which is why i support the first few advices given. Op should face her studies. She sounds still very young to me, probably a late teenager-young woman(18-22). She should give the guy some space, stop begging him or appearing desperate. Since you two have been close for a long time now, you are bound to get back together again. I highly recommend you dont start any romantic relationship though, mainly because its obvious the guy doesnt like you like that and anything romantic will be short and violently lived. In other words macarena. Let him go. He doesnt want to be sexually involved with you. And apparently you are better off emotionally without him on the long run. 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by TV01(m): 12:49pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
5minsmadness:I had purposed to respond to the posts about your comments depicting men as sex-crazed and lacking self-control, but you did so quite aptly yourself. Two sexually mature, but psychologically unprepared people in a close intimate relationship where the sexual frisson has been ramped up. How could what happened - in some form - not be expected at some point? I'd wager it was actually escalationary, and there'd been similar, if not as serious, situations before. And she obviously encourage/wanted it to some degree, but was woefully unable to set boundaries or foresee potential outcomes. Was it sexual assault, yes it was. Does that kind of simplistic label speak fully to this situation? No it doesn't. And no, not all men are sex-crazed or incontinent. But all can find themselves in potentially dangerous situations if care is no taken. And one day, perhaps people will understand, that the sexes respond differently to these situations and the outcomes are not always the same for both. I doubt he'll be as troubled by this as she is, and what's likely to be more is his perception of women and how he goes on to treat them in the future. We can't force the same outcomes, or legislate the same burdens. Maybe we should try setting the same expectations? Just saying! TV 2 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by ifyalways(f): 1:49pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Is this some kind of fiction or what You are co-habiting with a man? He had accommodation issues and nowhere else to turn to but you? On top of that he rapped you? Yet you want to apologise to him? For what exactly? Do you have self esteem issues, are depressed or something because I for the life of me, don't understand you. You also love or want him hence your jealousy when you see him with other women? So many issues with you, if you are not a nld troll. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 3:20pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
5minsmadness: Me “a pugnaciously” response. . . . . Lemme catch you there I will send my cat Puddles on you I still disagree that the base instinct of any man is sex All men? All the time? Haba! Ah Ah don't they have anything else they are thinking of? You did however say something that has clarified things when you said they only feel that way towards a woman that he likes. You see before, you made it sound as even a 99 year old great great grandmother is at risk from every man. I was scared o! 2 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 3:35pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Thank you every one for the advice. I got more than I expected. And most of you were right, my self-esteem is nothing to brag about. Even though he has hit me severally, yesterday inclusive, I always apologized and rationalized his actions by telling myself I pushed him past his limits. Thinking about it now, I don't think it was normal for me to leave the house by 5am while it was still dark and hiding somewhere when I knew I could not outrun him, because he insisted on taking my phone without ever giving me again. I didnt realize I was fast turning into those DV women I derided and blamed online. We are both members of the same church and workers in church also. Don't think I could ever go back. And @5minsmadness, I am ashamed cos of everything he did and how powerless and violated I felt. He put his finger in me and that place still hurts somewhat, I've never had sèx before. He poured his spèrm on me and rubbed it on my face, taunting me in the process. And I just could not do anything. When I fantasized about finally having sèx in the proper condition, it was never like this. Bellong made me laugh with his graphic description. TV01, are you a psychologist? All your descriptions were so apt. I never knew it was this bad. When you said I was on my way to becoming damaged, I started crying because its so true. I've always looked at relationships through Mills and Boon coloured glasses. Passionate fights brought you closer than ever. Naive me! I will learn to love and forgive myself though I don't know where to start from. And even though I find it hard, I'll go make friends. I'll take it one day at a time. 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Coolabbie: 3:40pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Poor baby @macarena. Sending e-hugs your way. Also taking copious notes. 2 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by dangervu(m): 3:43pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
macarena:You must be kidding how can someone force you to kid handjob! |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by crackhaus: 4:28pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
macarena:I refrained from logging in here last night on account of your topic, mostly because I felt and still feel your story is terribly disjointed... I also needed to see how your subsequent replies/explanations would play out. So let's get something straight, He made you give him a hand-job, and now more conveniently a whole day after this initial admission, he also put his finger in you and poured his cvm on you—also rubbed it on your face. NOTED! Take a look at the statement in your post which I have sized up for reference. Now I'm going to take a real wild guess, but please correct me if I'm wrong - The very person whom you've been fantasizing about having sex with in the sweetest way possible, is actually this same guy. RIGHT or WRONG? I do feel sympathy for you, considering how it's obvious from the story that you were in a weakened position and could not fight your way out...but please satisfy my curiosity and I hope you don't see the next sentence like I'm judging you: This whole thing you just told us was actually supposed to be consensual sex that went completely wrong...no? I might be completely wrong, but the chronology and narrative of your story leads me to understand that you always wanted to have sex with this guy and when it 'almost' happened, it didn't go the way you fantasized. I also noticed this bit: I've always looked at relationships through Mills and Boon coloured glasses. Passionate fights brought you closer than ever. Naive me! I think I smell naughty. 4 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 5:39pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
crackhaus:This all happened at the same time. It was part of the multiple acts he performed on me. Didnt feel the need to elaborate at first. crackhaus:In my mind I sometimes daydreamed he was the one I got married to. crackhaus:Not at all. He did not even know I was crushing on him which is why he could talk to me freely about the girls he liked. It just came out of nowhere. crackhaus:I don't believe in premarital sex. I wanted it to be in the right and proper way. crackhaus:[/quote] Its a habit carried over from secondary school. Mills and Boons were the rage with us girls. I am not naughty. 5 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by HaneefahRN(f): 5:49pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Have I forgotten the definition of friendship? This is just all shades of wrong. He had accommodation issues, didn't have any male friend to go to but you even without prior notice. You fight often for whatever reason, he sexually assaulted you and you are still calling this friendship and still crushing on him or probably want him? You need help. Start by loving your self and put your mind on more profitable things. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by crackhaus: 5:58pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
macarena:Okay then, so he's the one you fantasized about having sex with... No shame in that. Now can you please repeat these words to yourself: <insert his name> has violated me sexually, made me feel dirty, and I hate him for it. I will have no more sexual fantasies of him or let him come anywhere close to me till I am over this. <insert his name> has to go on his knees and apologize for making me feel so worthless and stvpid...but until he does that, I will stay happy, cheerful and grateful that all this happened now and has saved me the costly mistake of ever having any real romantic relationship with him. SAY IT! 5 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 6:08pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
5minsmadness: Guess! |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by MizMyColi(f): 6:10pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Mindfulness: But Mindy, maybe my eyes and brain aren't cooperating as they should. From the little I read in the OP, all I can see screaming in my face is "Abuse, Abuse" The young lady was abused by the guy na. Or maybe she likes BbDSM tins Let me return to my viewing mode till you're back online. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 6:10pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
crackhaus: 100 000 likes Just that she shouldn't let him come near her even if he apologises. These people are not able to have a sane relationship, not now and not in near future. 3 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 6:11pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
MizMyColi: That's why she should forget about him. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by MizMyColi(f): 6:20pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
The way I get easily provoked when I see stories on sexual abuse eh. Whether the victim is 6 months or 6 decades old. I guess I have a calling or purpose to fulfil in that regard. Mature and sensible People have spoken. OP, take heed please. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by crackhaus: 6:23pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Mindfulness:Well that would depend on her personality I think - some people will never be comfortable around him ever, while some people will forgive and relate with him but only on an extremely 'cautious' level. Then there's the third kind who almost usually ends up finding themselves in the same shii. But you women can be funny at times sha, as in literally.. 2 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by 5minsmadness: 6:50pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
macarena: Rolls eyes. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by 5minsmadness: 6:54pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Mindfulness:90/60mmHg |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Ishilove: 7:36pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
macarena:This ya story get k-leg. You aren't dating, but he packed his bags and moved in with you. In other words you're room/flatmates. The two of you fought each other, he tore your panties and even 'forced' you to jerk him off, yet you say you two aren't dating. Op, either you're friends with benefits, shagging each other without commitment, or this story is as fake as Kim Kardashians oversized buttocks. 2 Likes |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 9:00pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
5minsmadness: You are right. I have low blood pressure. I drink coffee but it's not helping so I stay busy because when I sit down, I fall asleep. People tend to think that I am hyperactive but I am just trying to stay awake. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by Nobody: 9:03pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
crackhaus: At the stage she is at in ths moment in time, she will end up repeating her mistakes. She better starts working on her self-esteem and learns to respect herself before engaging in any relationship, be it with him or someone else. This is story is so sick. But you women can be funny at times sha, as in literally.. What can I say? |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by dahaz(m): 9:37pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
HaneefahRN: I dont know why you choose to study nursing. you could have been better off as a guidiance and counsellor |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by thorpido(m): 11:15pm On Sep 05, 2016 |
Many have spoken well. Op,you just need to get a grip on yourself.You say you re both church workers and yet you co-habit with a male?How do you intend to have a non-sexual relationship together? He simply abused you with his act but seems you still have feelings for him.You need to improve on your self-esteem and set standards for yourself. Commit yourself more to your studies and other extra-curricular activities.Grow up some more before getting into relationships again. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by bukatyne(f): 8:58am On Sep 06, 2016 |
5minsmadness... You mentioned me about 5times on this thread! I must read it. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by bukatyne(f): 9:33am On Sep 06, 2016 |
macarena: This sounds like a x-rated movie. |
Re: Advice Needed. How Do I Move On? by HaneefahRN(f): 9:45am On Sep 06, 2016 |
dahaz: Lolz. I'm sure whatever characteristic you noticed, that made you come to that conclusion would still come in handy with Nursing. |
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