Proposed Movie Script, Comments Needed

Hi guys/gals,
Please am new to nairaland. I am in the process of making a nigerian movie, so i was wondering if you guys would be kind enough to comment on the proposed script. All comments are welcome. Thanks here is the script below.

SC1 Ext picnic location day

Shot opens on Nonye, Chike and Ikem. They were talking about there picnic.

nonye

I love it here. Chike you chose a nice location for our outing. Am just wondering how you were able to discover this place.

Ikem

Yea me too. Anyways you know Chike and his ways. He always gets to know all these hidden places.

CHIKE

Ahh. Comeon Guys so am now a bad guy cause i brought you guys here?? This is my first time here you know.

IKEM

But you have always been a bad boy. Thats why your girlfriend left ,

CHIKE

Ehh. Ehh. Bros hold it there. No just talk reach that side!

NONYE

Give him a break. I don't think chike is bad boy. Cynthia left him cause she couldnt discover the great man in him.

CHIKE

Yea she couldnt. OOh but i miss her, am always unlucky in love.

IKEM

Because you love too many at once.

CHIKE

Craze dey worry you. You wan show yoursef here?? Where the too many dey?

NONYE

Guys Guys. We don't need to go through all this. You guys should find something better to talk about.

Shot focuses on a lady coming out of the hotel door and walking towards the picnic pack.

NONYE

Guys check her out. You know who she is?

IKEM

No i don't i think she is one of the guests.

CHIKE

Yea she is a guest. i saw her checking in.

IKEM

I knew you would have seen her checking in and even talked to her. Laughs. So is she game??

CHIKE

i go soon cure you your craze.

NONYE

Guys.

IKEM

As if you don't like her. Come on tell me you don't find her attractive.

CHIKE

Yea i find her attractive so what??

NONYE

I think she is coming here.

New girl comes introduces herself as Ann.

Ann

Can i join you guys??

NONYE

Sure you are welcome. Am Nonye, thats chike, and thats Ikem.

ANN

Am Ann and its nice to meet you guys.

CHIKE

So Ann what could have brought you out to this hidden risort??

ANN

Well lets say i was so bored in the city i wanted to have a break and fresh air. Besides i have been working myself too hard recently.


Ann walks towards Chike to play with the swing.

ANN

Can i have a swing on that??

CHIKE

Sure i can push you to get u started.

Chike helps her on.

ANN

So whats the deal with you guys? You guys are friends or brothers or what.

CHIKE

Yea we are friends. Ikem is my cousin, and Nonye is his girlfriend.

ANN

Thats interesting and you? Why didnt you come with your own girlfriend?

CHIKE

We broke up.

ANN

Ohh i understand. So have you noticed that we seem to be the only guests in the hotel??

CHIKE

Yea seems so too. Hey Ikem, you realised we are the only guests here??

IKEM

Yea i know but thats good

NONYE

Yea i hate crowds. Its better like this.

Alarm sounds. "Please all guests are requested to come to the dinning hall for the buffet" Thank you.

NONYE

Well guys am starving lets go and eat and then we see actually how many new guests we can meet.

The party now got up and moved towards the hotel.

SC2 INT Dinning hall.

They got seated in the tables. Waiting for the waiters.

ANN

Well where is every one and the food??

IKEM

I think we are the only ones here.

Lights go out

NONYE

What the hell??

Lights come back.

CHIKE

Thats power holding for you.

Lights go out again

ANN

Whats wrong with Nepa??

NONYE

Did i hear you ask whats wrong with them?? Come on this is Nepa or power holding at its best.

Lights come back again.

CHIKE

Hey is there going to be a buffet or not here??

Water can speaks up "there is buffet alright. you guys are the food, you will be eaten. Ohh Nepa please.

Lights go out again.

NONYE

Something strange is happening here.

Lights come back. but dim.

The spoons and forks stand and chorus "Nothing is happening its always like this in Resort Alive!!!" Heeheeheeeheee.

The four jump out of their seats.

ANN

Lets leave we got to leave this place.

The four run to the door.

Sc3 int reception

Receptionist backs the counter and is bent over.

IKEM

Excuse me, theres something strange going on in this hotel. All those things inside dey talk.

Receptionist turns (with out-grown canines and, bloody teeth and scary eyes.

reception

Do you really think so?? huhuhuhuhuh

NONYE

Ahhh noo!

ANN

Lets leave this place now.

The receptionist shrinks and bats start flying out of her desk. They turn to run to the door. on getting to the door, the door is locked and they head upstairs. Ikem locks the door to the staircase behind him shutting off the bats

SC4 int hallway

They get to their room door and its locked. Chike tries to force the door open. But no luck.

IKEM

We can't open it. We got to collect the key from the reception.

NONYE

Ohh no we can't go back there.

CHIKE

I think theres another way out of here.

They head down the hall. At the end of it is another staircase going downstairs. Lets try to leave through the back door. They rush down the steps.

Sc5 int basement

Getting to the bottom of the staircase, they open the door. It opens into a dark place. Chike lights a candle nearby, they start walking into the space unknown.

ANN

This place is scary. I don't like it. I think we should go back.

CHIKE

No we can't. We will be eaten alive by those bats.

IKEM

I think i can see some thing over there.

They walk to a door, and push it open. A skeleton falls out with arms stretched. A scroll falls off.

CHIKE

Hey look!!

Chike picks up the paper and reads: This hotel was first built by a powerful priest. He sacrificed a lot of human blood to build it. It served for home for the colonial masters and lots of slaves were traded here and lots died here too. On the death of the priest, his son Egbum refused to take his thrown. The son demolished the old building and built a hotel in its place. This angered the priest. His spirit then took control of the building. His passion for slave trade made him take anyone that lodges into the hotel as a slave. Either to work for him for eternity, or to be sold as a slave, though no longer to the white man, but his soul is sold to the devil for eternity. Hence till he is driven out. All guests that have their names written in the hotel have just entered into eternal slavery. I was once a guest here. By the time you are reading this i would have been dead, and you about to die, unless you find the key to solve this. To escape, you must find the memoir of Jimmy the American warder that once lived there. There he wrote how to escape this , Else, you are doomed to DIE!!!!

ANN

ohh noo

NONYE

what are we going to do??

IKEM

We must find the book, Jimmy's memoir.

CHIKE

What if it doesn't help us??

IKEM

Well we don't have any other thing to try do we??

ANN

ohh men how do we know the book? We are going to die here.

NONYE

Maybe we should call for help.

IKEM

theres no service on the phone. is there in yours?? We must find this thing to leave here alive.

They start looking along the walls and on the floor.

CHIKE

I think we should split and search for it. Me and Ann this way and you two to the left.

Ikem and Nonye finds a chest and are searching in it. Then Chike is checking some books on an old table. Then Ann yealls

ANN

Guys i think i found something.

Ann points at a book. She moves to lift it up as the others rush towards her. As ann picks the book, raises it up, a swam of insects fly towards her. The rest of the crew moves to her rescue, then the floor of the hall breaks into two.

The insects fly about her, Ann screems and tries to wave them off.

CHIKE

Ann watch out watch your steps.

Ann falls off the floor, and hangs on to a rope on the floor. One hand on the rope and the other on the book.

ANN

auchh help

IKEM

hold on ann.

Chike brings a rope and and ties it to himself. They turn a table upside down and push it across the void. chike walks across the table cautiously and tries to reach ann.

CHIKE

Take my hand ann.

Chike stretches his hands. He stretches more and stretching thin. Ann tries and screams

ANN

Take the book.

Ann tries one more time with great effort and her hand reaches chike but she slips off. Chike tries to catch her but manages to get hold of the book only. Ann falls off

ANN

Ahh help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chike Nonye and Ikem shouts "Ann!!!!"

Chike crosses over to Ikem and Nonye. they start looking at the void below.

NONYE

What do we do?? Do you think she is dead??

IKEM

I don't know we have the book, lets read it and get out of here, then we can find help for her.

CHIKE

I believe She is alive. we have to get her out of there first.

IKEM

Now how do we do that??

CHIKE

The rope is still tied to my waist, just hold on to it let me move down to look for her, as far as the rope reaches.

They start lowering chike into the pit. Lower and lower and lower. Soon chike is so low in the pit, He hears ann calling. He stretches his hand and

CHIKE

come on i will take u up

He lifts Ann holding her tight. and calls on IKem and Nonye

CHIKE

Guys pull.

The rope starts pulling them up and making cranking sounds

CHIKE

Faster guys faster.

The rope slips, chike and ann starts falling, Ikem and Nonye tries to steady the rope and they are all drawn into the pit as the hit the bottom with force.

NONYE

Now we are in a deeper shit than we were before.

IKEM

you still got the book? we just got to look it up and see how to get out of here.

There comes a hissing sound and a cracking sound and then brushing and dragging.

CHIKE

whats that?

The sounds increase, then a rock breaks out and the spiderman comes out. It moves toward the four. takes two step forward and one step backward. measures the four and then moves towards them and then breaks into a race ,

IKEM

Oh my God. make we clear oohh

SnakeSpiderman gets close and pits a ball of net at them. As they try to escape it. they start racing away from it.

They get to a wide space with lots of pillars. They start hiding and moving by the pillars, snakespiderman comes closer and is searching for them. Chike signals them to come over to a rope ladder he finds.

Meanwhile Ikem finds an axe and starts wielding it at the creature. It responds by blowing fire at him and dashing towards him, he falls to the ground and struggles to crawl away from the beast. Chike runs to his rescue and the girls keep climbing the ladder. Chike and Ikem race to the ladder and start climbing. Ikem still wields the axe at the beast as they climb higher and higher. Soon they get to the top of the void and are breathless.

They get up and survey where they are. Chike moves towards the wall rackets and said guys lets read that book and get out of here.

Ann starts going through the pages of the book.

ANN

The book is empty, looks like the pages have been torn out. Ohh i see one. It says: This memoir is the key to leaving this place. its cursed and should be destroyed. Once you close this book, you must proceed imediately to the south gate of the building. After passing the gate, you would have to pass through the tunnel of bones. Many souls have been lost here. If you are able to pass this tunnel, you would be at the base of the temple hill. This hill was where the priest performed his sacrifices. His shrine is at the base of the hill. You would see it cause its covered by mat from sunrays and water. So to kill the priest finally, you must stab a sword into his heart. You do this by pouring in enough water to drown the shrine down below. Take all you need here and good luck.

They start gathering the ancient weapons they could find in the room. Chike and Ikem take swords and axes. Ikem takes a bow and quiver. The girls take some small swords. Chike rolls some rope by his waist and they all move up to the south gate.

The gate opens and they pass through to drop lower below and proceed into the tunnel. They look into it, the tunnel is wide with so many fires burning and lamps. They proceed cautiously and keept moving forward. Then eyes started moving watching them advance. But it decides to wait before it can unleash its terror. They get to a narrow bridge and then the eye comes out into open, flying gracefully towards them, making a screaching sound.

ANN

lets go back!!

CHIKE

No move forward keep moving forward.

Ikem lights one of his arrows and aims at the beast. He shoots out the arrow, it pierces the beast's heart, it screams and burns up. They then hear lots of screams and winds flapping as scores of bird beasts swarm towards them.

IKEM

lets run for it guys

They break out into a race towards the other side of the tunnel, they suddenly reach the end of the tunnel. At the tunnel end, Chike pushes a yatch out, the girls walk/crawl past it, Chike moves past and Ikem tries to move through too as the flying beasts approach. He wields his sword and slashes the face of one, just as he drops out of the tunnel, they then latched the yatch close.

SC6 ext evening base of cliff.

They then realised that they were at the base of the hill. They proceeded cautiously along the walls, towards the hill base. At the end of the side walk, they realise there is a dead end, a hollow void below.

NONYE

we are trapped. what do we do now??

Ikem looks around and finds a rope. we use the rope guys. He picks it up and attaches it to his arrow and aims and aims and fires towards the hill.

Arrow soars high and high and high and glides towards the hill, finally anchoring on a rock.

Chike and Ikem pulls on it hard and anchores it on says come on girls. They hang on the ropes with some hooks and then swing towards the hill. Chike was last. As he was getting towards the hill, the arrow started giving way, itpulled off and Ikem dived to catch it, they started pulling chike up steadily. soon he was with them and they started climbing the hill slowly. A dragon fly comes toward them, flying unsuspectingly low, getting closer and closer. Then it buzzes away with speed.

Getting to the top, they could see a tent far away. They started moving towards it, just then a rope trap swings past them it hits Nonye and swings her into the air as she shouts. They try to run towards her, the rope lands her on a wheeled cart. Then the monsters (6 in number) emerges, shouting "Hum!! Hum!! Hum!! Hum!!". They pull the cart away toward an old temple.

The other three hide behind banana leaves. Then the dragonfly comes again, then it speaks fraily

Dragonfly

Do not let them see you. they are the servants of the priest. You should use the drum, over there.

Chike and the rest goes over to the drum to start beating a tune. Ikem continues the beating as the monsters start dancing. Chike and Ann rush to Nonye and released her. They then went over to the tent.

On top of the tent is the pot of water and below is a hole with a glowing heart in a well. Chike tears the tent and starts cutting the water support with his axe. He cuts and cuts and cuts till the wood was so thin. Then Ikem abandons the drums and run towards them.

The monsters stop dancing and looks to see the four, they rush towards them as the pot of water falls. They stop short and bend down and start crying

Monsters

Master forgive us, master forgive us.

The pot falls with a big splash as the water gushes down the well. The ground starts shaking as the four rush towards a giant rail cart, they run into it and lay still. The hill begins to crumble and erupt in many places.

Chike and Ikem gives the cart a push and push and push. The cart starts rolling as they jump into it. It rolls down the hill as the hill top bursts into a fire ball and is coming down fast towards them. The rail leads below the ground and keeps speeding through old train tunnel. ,

Please let me know what you guys feel about the script (particular the story). Any advice is welcome.

@stiyke, welcome to Nairaland my brother, i guess your script makes a lot of sense but i could not be bothered to read it. And seriously speaking, i dont think anyone else will. I think you should break it down into small chunks so it would be easy to read and it would be better if u could add a title.

welcome stiyke, put a lil intro/summary before it next time so people can have a lil preview of what they are about to read.
Also, do you wirte scripts on request, email me @ enifunsho@yahoo.com, im in need of a script

Good job

ENIOLA NAIRALAND FIRST LADY KE LAILAI WHEN JAYBABY DEY DIS SITE HISSIN?SCRIPT WRITER KE U COME GIVE AM UR EMAIL LIKE THAT O BOI NA PERSON LIKE U I FIT TELL SAY I BE GOVERNOR PICKIN TILL I GO GIVE U BELLE <SHAKING MY HEAD>CHEAP GIRL FALLING EASILY? I DONT THINK ANYONE ELSE WILL SPEAK FOR UR SELF BRO OK?STYKE I GET U WELL MY BROTHER BUT AS A PROFESSIONAL IN A JOB U USE UR HEAD WELLA THAT WILL BE MUCH MORE BETTER OK IF WE TRY TO TELL U UR MISTAKE NAW IF THIS SITE NO COME DEY AGAIN WHO U WAN GIVE AGAIN MY BRO IF NA UR WORK BE THAT USE UR HEAD ON IT URSELF SIMPLE?PEACE

welcome stiyke

Like Walelead, I didn't read the whole thing but well done
And just to add you can make use of different fonts/colours so the whole thing don't look the same

@Balash, i didn't get most of what you wrote initially but are you saying he shouldn't be open to criticism?

I actually have to say that i like your script, there's something very usual about it especially since it's a scary film, but at the same time you still have a chance to surprise and frighten. I also have to disagree with Iice about the first line of your script i find it very gentle a contrast to whats coming ahead and the lines "i love it here" are so usual so everyday it's something anyone would say and that's what people have to learn to put in their scripts Reality. And not the usual nollywood "i'm going to America tomorrow" or "when would i be getting my five hundred thousand naira" (please get a life) . Using 'good morning' would have made it boring and bland it would have sounded like using once upon a time in the beginning of a story.

I also have to admit i got really excited when i discovered that they were going to be figuring out a mystery (i usually get excited with things like that) but i like the idea of them doing something thoughout the film instead of them sitting down and talking like every other nigerian film. And the scary concept is different from the typical Nigerian film about witches which stops you from going to sleep at night. I do think you should lose the idea of bats it's not very nigerian i'm even wondering where you are going to get some from (it's not like you see them everyday).
I think your story is really cool just do a little tighening up on it.

Damsal's review forced me to read the story. It's a promising, action-filled story. Well done, and keep writing!

What I can't figure out is how such a script can be filmed in Nigeria. It will take a really creative producer.

I like criticising movie scripts constructively but certainly not a horror script. Or isn't it because, I couldn't go through all of it?

Welcome to Nairaland.

The script is okay, though you need to draw attention to the real actions.

She screamed = (is it in a loud voice, horrified voice, frighten voice etc). You have to illustrate to action precisely.

I don't know if you understand what am trying to say. Is the script for Nigeria Producer?
The next thing is the location.

Apart from these i will say the script will come out fine in a movie handled by an experience producer.

Keep it up dear.

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN stiyke

He did a nice work there. Just needs a more solid capturing.

Yeah every body to his/ her opinion.

ILLUSTRATE THE ACTION PRECISELY.

The major reason why people don't want to read the script is the poor formatting.

The content is pretty good, but the current presentation is a stumbling block. That's what you need to fix 1st.

Thank You all for your contributions, all points noted. Nairaland would be the first place to see the preview when its done. I would try to fix everything noted. i know its not gonna be perfect to please every one but i wanted to know the things to take care of from an educated audience like nairaland.

Thank you all, am still at work on it.

Download a good software package for creating screenplays here: www.celtx.com

Read about how to format your screenplays here: www.oscars.org/nicholl/format.html

After you reformat the screenplay, we'll be able to judge it without bias. Well done!

alright fellas, just like stiyke i am also new here,
gone through the script (though not the entire thing but i think its not bad, this is just a script u aint watching a movie no reading a novel its a script. the whole thing will make sence when it is enacted in the movie. then u can talk about the expressions and emotions of the characters, cut the guy some slack

hey dude, ur not doing bad but u need to work on this,

To be fair i think your script made sense although it would require a lot of computer generated effects.The dialoguing wasn't exactly top-notch,a tad improvement on that aspect would do.On the whole you did good,i'm impressed.

I'm an indie film director and i'm hoping to do a short film as a slot for a film festival,if you would like to work with me then give me a shout.

*Owen*:

To be fair i think your script made sense although it would require a lot of computer generated effects.The dialoguing wasn't exactly top-notch,a tad improvement on that aspect would do.On the whole you did good,i'm impressed.

I'm an indie film director and i'm hoping to do a short film as a slot for a film festival,if you would like to work with me then give me a shout.

Ohh,

Whats your short film about?? when is the film festival??
I wouldnt minde working with u.

@Stiyke
I see Seun already told you what i was gonna suggest, Get celtx, when you download it you'll find a book comes with it on how to write a screenplay, i suggest you read, study and use it well.
Your "script" isn't really a script yet, but if you had written the plot or synopsis first from the little i gathered from your "script", i believe you got something there. The dialogue needs worka nd the story sounds short, there has to be a begining, middle and and end.
Horror movies are usally the cheapest kind of films to make (even in Hollywood) so i don't believe you'll have too much of a problem getting it made with the right hands, and you could find a market waiting for you, just keep at it and work it well cos trust me scripts need a lot of work and creativity. Some advice, while writing this scripts, try to stay clear of Nigerian films, watch hollywood films to get a better idea of script structuring and tips.
I wish i could really help some more, but i have several scripts still waiting to be written. Good luck.

@Thirdborn

The script is already in a proper script form. I was seeking comments about the story line. We r starting production , Thanks a lot for your opinion, i will try to send u a preview when done.