Good afternoon to everyone, especially
Nigerian Americans. They need it most.

Happy elections. Don't think I'm crazy for

greeting you happy elections, in Nigeria
we greet people about everything. You
have to get used to this now because you

are coming back home. So, Eku election.

I very much understand that you will
soon be sent packing from there, so I
have taken it upon myself to prepare you

for the transition. You have just a little
time left there, utilize that time to learn
more about Nigeria that you are coming
back to.


In Nigeria, we don't have light. Buy
power bank while coming. Don't say I
didn't tell you. Buy power Bank from
there because the ones here are just like
your marriages, they don't last. Buy a
quality one from the abroad when
coming.
Also, make sure you charge your
phone full before coming here. You
should also save money for generator.

Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty
torchlight too.

Also, save enough money for
subscription. There is no free WiFi here.
For those of you that will be settling in
Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I'll advice you to

buy a glo line. Their network is strong.
Save enough money for emergency
transport. You will be deported to Nigeria

and by the time you get to the airport,
you will need to board a keke from the
airport to the badagry refugee centre,
from where your ancestors had been
shipped to America before. Fuel don
cost, transport don increase.


Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria
you cannot sit down and order pizza
anytime you want. The only order you
can make is when you yell to the moi moi
seller across the road to bring hot moi
moi for you.


Learn proper home training. In Nigeria
the only time the police will arrest your
parents for hitting you is after you are
dead already. And they will later settle
the case as "a family affair". If you think

you can come here to speak 'innit' for
your parents, it's the neighbours that will
help them beat you.

Are you a graduate? Doesn't matter.
There is no job. Your American accent
will not give you a job, except your father
knows someone who knows another
person that knows a politician, you won't
have a job.


Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will
not go Dutch with you. As a matter of
fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you.

You have to prove your masculinity by
paying for the date. No one is splitting
the bills with you when you take a girl on
a date.

Learn the Nigerian names of common
products. No one will sell "sausage rolls"

for you. If you can't call it the Nigerian
name- "Gala", no one would have time
for you. Noodles is "Indomie". Pasta is
"spaghetti". All seasoning is "maggi".
Dear American girl, you cannot dress
anyhow you like. Your neighbours will
eye you. The random old woman in the
market will hiss at you. The random
lady
in the bus will preach to you. The area
boys will jeer you. You might want to
report "harassment" to the police, they
will arrest you for indecent dressing.

Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don't show
public display of affection. You cannot be
kissing your boyfriend under the rain.

The old woman passing by will invoke
thunder to strike the both of you.

These are some of the basic tips to help
you adapt after you have been deported.

#More to come.