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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! (2476 Views)
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L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 12:36pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
Hi everyone, l'm new here and this is my first time l am posting a topic. l know it is going to be lengthy.There is something bothering me and l need your thought on it. My story goes like this, l served in Enugu state in 2012 and I passed out on July 2013. Before I passed out, l enrolled in a project management course which took place at the state capital. l met this guy there, we kind of clicked and became friends. After the examination, we all went back to our destination, Fortunately he lives around the community I was serving. l thought he was a corps member like me. We got attracted to each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted, He also introduced me to his Mother, she welcomed me. Cos l visited him at his family house.everything happened so fast. I then asked where his PPA was that was when he told me that he is not a corper. l was disappointed. I then asked him how come he wrote the examination with us; He said it was through one of the agents that came to give us orientation in our fellowship. He told me he had issues with his results, because he attends Futo. All these happened in 2013. I told him I am not one that do long term relationship. He pleaded that I should give him 2years which I agreed. l encouraged him to get something doing even if it is little and still find a way to resolved the issue he is having in school. l don't ask him for money, l teach in a private school since there are no jobs but he does his best to make me happy, buys things and all that. But those things are not my problem. To me l feel he is forcing it.l want to ask him where the relationship is heading to when next we see eventually because I am not happy. For now he is doing nothing. He hasn't served, he has no skills. He is 33 while l'm 28. This was not what I envisaged. l have loosed interest in the whole thing and it is a distance relationship. I don't believe love is enough. I don't want to be in a relationship based on Pity. Advice, counseling and insults are welcomed, Thanks. |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by PresVA: 12:43pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
About asking him where the relationship is heading to, do you plan to settle with someone who's doing nothing and has no skills whatsoever ![]() is he making efforts at all? whatever shaa, I won't advise you marry someone who has nothing doing... atleast till he finds his feet.. finance is important in marriage. 5 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by ammyluv2002(f): 12:52pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
I have 3 questions 1. Is he the lazy type? Does he even make efforts to apply for jobs? Do you see him as someone who likes hustling, someone who isn't comfortable with his current situation? 2. If the answer to the first question is yes then does he have the cash to acquire the kind of skills you want him to? Does he prefer to use the money he has to buy you gifts rather than developing himself? 3. Do you feel caged in the relationship? Do You feel pity for him? What are your reasons? Is it that he's jobless and he's not making any effort or Is it that he's jobless and the job isn't coming or you're not just cool with distance relationship? 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 2:22pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
PresVA: PresVA: PresVA:. It is just recently he told me that he will come to PH to see if he could be doing something in his uncle's hospital. But the truth is l am no more interested in this relationship. Don't want it to seem as though I am choking him. |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 2:54pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
ammyluv2002:According to him, he said I should be praying for him and give him my goodwill. That he is doing something concerning his results and all that. But I don't see anything coming out of it. He isn't the hustling type either. Because where he staying in Owerri is not his place but he is staying with a particular family there. l believe he is comfortable with it cos he doesn't pay rent and many a time they feed him. Secondly, l don't ask him to buy gifts for me, or ask him for money. He just do this things and tells me how much more if he has much and it makes me feel as though he is doing all these things thinking it will make stick to him more. As for the money to start up a skill; his parents, brother, Sister and uncles are still alive. l believe they can help him with funds if he is interested in under going training. Thirdly, yes, l feel pity for him. l told him initially I don't do long distance relationship and long term relationship. He pleaded I give him two years. I thought 2013 which was the year I passed out, he will go for his own NYSC. Till date he hasn't gone. No job, no so skill at his age? 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by ammyluv2002(f): 2:59pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
bibiani:Take a walk dear! 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Richy4(m): 3:29pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
[b]what I can summarize in your write up is, u feel <<<Biological clock is ticking <<<You want someone that will say, let's head to the Altar tomorrow <<<You are presumably looking for an already made maybe without investing...Remember U have to sow before you reap It might be looking gloomy for this guy now... but you never can tell tomorrow...I understand Nigerian institution how pathetic they are when handling the futures of some students... You are kinda desperate now and for you, love does not play a part....The way I see it, any one that shows you the slightest interest is whom the holy spirit says it was...Biko, I suggest you slow down a little..Things sometimes does not go the way we wanted it.... But you have to slow down and work towards it Please think carefully before you make any move.... I wouldn't want you to fall into the hand of a wrong man who will capitalize on your quest to have a man and teach u one or two lessons .. and I will not want you to dump him now and later try to make a move to come back when things became ok with him...The way I see it, he likes u and even took you to his mama but for you, likeness and love is not enough for now...... I just hope you will not disturb his phone in future when he is trying to settle down with someone else.... I am not trying to prophesy here for the future but this kind of thing sometimes leads to infidelity when some men will not let go of their old crush....and the woman would not let the man relax and settle down with whom he has found as substitute.....knowing that she has made a hell of mistake in rushing into an unhappy marriage instead of waiting for who actually loved her [/b] 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by emadamysy: 4:01pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
This is really strong. But you need to take your stand and know what you really want. Marriage is not a bed of roses. You really need to be strong Emotionally, Physically and financially. If you cant get at least 2/3 of this, please remain where you are and pray for something better to come your way. bibiani: |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 6:37pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
Richy4:Thanks for the contribution but what works for A doesn't always work for B. l understand you think I should still stick around and all that. But my dear, l don't do long term dating and all that. l made it clear from the start. I was thinking he will sort himself out in two years time like he said. l mean, I don't get it? He said his course adviser is not always around and@ that if he knew he would have written JAMB a long time ago. If he has been wafted why not he tell me? okay, if you were in my shoes what will you do? 2 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Richy4(m): 8:32pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
bibiani: [b]In 2003 @ Enugu state university of Science and Technology, A student we presumed was from Geology department shot and killed a lecturer that was keeping him for 4 years...All his mates have graduated then and some even forgot their reg. number.. but the guy was still running after the same lecturer pleading with him to let him graduate....we heard as a rumor that he swore that he will never graduate ....so I believe such things do happen in Nigerian institution...and maybe your friend was seriously in deep problem with a demigod lecturer.who sees himself /herself as the almighty...... and the funniest thing is that there's no one to complain to because they are all the same.. I will not advise you to take a walk or stay.... You are the one wearing those shoes and you were the one that knows where it pinches...at the end of the day the decision is yours to make...All I am concern was that your write up sound as if you were desperate...like you can't wait to have a man that has made it in your life....That was why I was asking you to calm down...... But hey, it could still be this guy...you never can tell... The only crime he committed was that he has not graduated, got no skill as you said isn't it? If he fixed himself up next year, tell the NYSC head quarter that he is above the age of service, gets a job and relocate to where you are, won't you accept him?[/b] 3 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by 4tunebest(f): 10:11pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
Judging from your write up, it seems to me the guy gives you peace, even though he hasn't achieved much @ his age. Been married a few years now and with the benefit of hindsight, I would advice you to be a little bit more patient with him. Even though its easy to write him off/give up on him due to his present state; only God knows the future, therefore: Seek God's direction. When it comes to the issue of choosing a LIFE partner, we need the leading of He who sees the unknown and isn't limited by human wisdom. 2 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Atk1nson(m): 10:56pm On Nov 28, 2016 |
bibiani: Your major concern seems to be that he does not have a degree, but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that a degree doesn't guarantee success in our society. However, I think it is good you let him know your concerns about the duration of the relationship and his earning-potential. He has to work towards getting something to do. 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by soonest(f): 9:26am On Nov 29, 2016 |
No degree, no skills, not even learning a skill, not contemplating getting capital to start a biz, since 2013. He's 33 and you are 28. Babe, check am well na! 2 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by mrblessed(m): 10:06am On Nov 29, 2016 |
Richy4:You have indeed written well. I know just as day follows night she won't heed to your advice. Apart from the obvious desperate disposition of the OP to tie the knot, my mind's mind contends she has gotten herself a man of higher finance standing. Hence, it is plausible to dispense this loafer, a complete never-do-well. She was also unsparing, uncharitable and ruthless in her description of the guy; no good quality in him. She seems to have made up her mind before coming to nairaland for 'advice'. I think she feels unsettled to ditch the guy in abrasive manner because the guy has been doing the little he can. 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by mrblessed(m): 10:25am On Nov 29, 2016 |
4tunebest:This is a fantastic piece of advice, coming from someone in the field of marriage. One of the problems facing young ladies today is the inability to separate fantasy from reality. The OP has made up her mind to dump her man, and look for where the grass is greener. I don't blame her for aspiring for good things from her date. After all, who wants to suffer .However, my grouse is why being pretentious with your reason to end a relationship. 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by yetseyi(f): 11:55am On Nov 29, 2016 |
4tunebest: The above is my own advice. Like someone said and I can also deduce his issues with his degree seems to be your major concern because you think that is what will guarantee his potential. You never can tell. Follow 4tunesbest advice, God knows in the realms of the unknown and sees in the realm of the unseen. I can never forget a quote by a nairalander Potential is not a guarantee it is merely a resident possibility........ Ihedinobi 2014 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by sunvick(m): 2:46pm On Nov 29, 2016 |
My dear, even the Bible says; faith without works is dead and work without faith is dead. we all have threshold and limits to which we can tolerate. Your prayer will be more meaningful and worthy if he is making effort to look for work or skill or get his BSc sorted out. Like someone said: Potential is not a guarantee it is merely a resident possibility........ Ihedinobi 2014 however, your case is different as he is unwilling to get anything done. Sister evaluate this matter practically and lean more to reality than speculation. You are teaching perhaps your income is not much...... while he is doing nothing..... My people say #use you tongue count you teeth 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by rex444(m): 5:55pm On Nov 29, 2016 |
No hard feelings but I think u actually have someone else showing you more interest and comparingly better than him at the moment...just be careful k.... 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by ipain: 8:36pm On Nov 29, 2016 |
Your happiness should come first. 2 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Cuddlebugie(f): 11:33pm On Nov 29, 2016 |
My dear, you have to 'remove' yourself from that state of dilemma and embrace tranquility. A 33-year-old man without direction? PLEASEEEEE!!!. You know what's right, do it. 2 Likes |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by sunvick(m): 8:24am On Nov 30, 2016 |
Perhaps miracle can happen nah. Cuddlebugie: |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Cuddlebugie(f): 9:34am On Nov 30, 2016 |
sunvick:The miracle of turning back the hands of time or what? |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Cuddlebugie(f): 9:34am On Nov 30, 2016 |
sunvick:The miracle of turning back the hands of time or what? |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 10:54am On Nov 30, 2016 |
I understand how you feel. He seems like a time waster and an unambitious guy. But is he a good person? Does he want good things for himself and you? Has he given you a clear vision of how he intends to put things right and then marry you? If you tell me you don't love him, or he has attributes you hate, i'll say let him go. I once had a girl who wasn't very patient with me. She went ahead and married a professional, dream job and all. Today she keeps telling me she's miserable and her greatest regret is marrying her hubby. I've found my own feet and married my own woman, who is having a great life with me. Sometimes it's beyond marrying a successful person. It's better to marry a good person who isn't successful because it's easy to achieve success unlike marrying a successful nasty person. It's easier to achieve success than to change from a shitty character to a decent one. It might turn out right though, or it might not. These things are a gamble. But if you love him and he is a good person, work with him to build a great future. That's my advice for you. 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by sunvick(m): 12:54pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
You never can tell. Since some people like to create their own quagmire when reality is written all over an issue. Cuddlebugie: |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Nobody: 2:24pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
Dump his ass and move on....he's not worth the wait ![]() bibiani: |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by Jahblessme: 2:31pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
Nl pipu will soon come with stories of doom about people who left broke asses and started regretting later after marrying a man who was comfy.Not everyone marries into poverty.That a man is poor today and you struggle with him does not ensure future happiness,no loyalty in this life.That a man is comfy already and you marry him does not mean you will be miserable.It could go.either way in both situations.C choose what best suits you. If this guy isn't what you want,please move on.Does he have potential? Where do you see him in 5 years? Where does he think he will be in 5 years?If it's not in concord with your own dreams and hopes,you both should call it a day. I'm usually wary of above 30 directionless people (male and female). Theres a man for you,theres a woman for him.You must not be together.. Degree is important to you,he can't magic out a degree from the sky.Most likely no degree in the horizon,no skills,no spirit of hustling so what exactly is it that he's going to do with his life.Book-nil,bizness-nil,hardwork-?,maybe being good puts food on the table ![]() The world is generally tougher now,i advice for females to.now be very calculative about their future especially marriage.There is no glory in being broke.Pick your BEST option ,pick a union that is ADVANTAGEOUS to you.Love won't feed,clothe or house a family. Good luck |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by EfemenaXY: 2:38pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
bibiani: There is a saying: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-closed after marriage. Your eyes are wide open right now and they aren't deceiving you where this man is concerned. One of the biggest mistakes people make with choosing their life partner is the assumption he/she will change after marriage. Don't make the same mistake hoping he'll change because he won't. What you're seeing right now is what you'll get times 10 in the future if you decide to walk down the aisle with him. Any serious minded man wanting to settle down and start a family should be able (at the very least) to provide the basic necessities - Food, Clothing, Shelter - for his family. Your man hasn't done that yet, isn't doing it now, and doesn't appear to want it bad enough. At 33 no head, no tail and he seems quite comfortable with how things are. If you were to marry him today, where will you live? How will you feed? Will you join him in squatting with the family housing him? The family he doesn't pay rent to? Will this same family feed you both when you're broke? What happens when the kids start arriving? Where will the money come from to look after them? 100% from your pocket? From what you written on here, this man of yours sounds like a LOT of work. Are you prepared to shoulder everything including finance? Is this how you plan on starting married life? Don't allow anyone guilt-trip you into accepting the unacceptable. What you find totally unacceptable now will be magnified several times over post marriage. My sister be wise. 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by iebanehita(m): 5:50pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
While the guys are saying: Hey bibiani, hang on. A miracle might happen. He got potentials. etc The ladies are saying: Dump his arse. I'm a guy and I would tell you bibiani to dump his arse. ![]() So since 2013 till now, he couldn't learn a skill? he's still waiting for that useless satificate that will take him to NYSC. Huh? 1 Like |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by nikkyshyne(f): 8:18pm On Nov 30, 2016 |
Open up to other guys. You never can tell. |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by veronicababy: 5:22am On Dec 01, 2016 |
Tell me you are no longer interested ![]() |
Re: L Am In A State Of Dilemma. Advice Please!!! by veronicababy: 5:22am On Dec 01, 2016 |
Tell me you are no longer interested ![]() Check my signature |
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