By Jerry Uhuo

Domestic violence is not new in the society; indeed, the United Nations General Assembly had addressed the issue in several occasions and made resolutions to discourage violence against women. Since the adoption of the United Nations Declarations on the Elimination of Violence against Women in 1993 by the International body, there have been other resolutions by the UN General Assembly, Human Rights Council and many other non-governmental organizations fighting to eliminate violence against women. Unfortunately, the more the fights are intensified the more reports of violence against women are received in the media and many others are not reported. Recently, a non-governmental organization known by the name of Due Process Advocate (DPA) has engaged in strong intervention on domestic violence and battery especially against women and have had course to go to court to intervene in some of the cases.
When one considers that marriage is a said to be a union of two people who voluntarily came together believing to be in love, agreeing to live together and taking a vow to live together both in good and bad times till death do them part, it becomes intriguing how the same people will, after a while, turn themselves to boxers and murderers. What are those things discovered which were unknown during courtship and which could not be resolved within themselves? Or is it that we are losing our values, our morals and departing from our culture? Marriage like any other vocation is not a bed of roses. The experiences shared in marriage and intimate relationships are beyond text book theories and sermons in either in the church or admonitions at wedding ceremonies. It is not surprising that God who introduced the process leading to the marriage institution directed that a man shall leave his parents and be joined to his wife and the “Two shall become one”. Gen 2: 22-24, Matthew 19: 5.
God understands the meaning of two people from different backgrounds coming together to live until death do them part and He made it in such a way that the two are fundamentally bound together from the beginning of creation. “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. The man said, this is now the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman for she was taken out of the man, that is why a man leaves his father and mother and united with his wife and the two becomes one..” Gen 2: 22-24. God’s creation of man was seen as incomplete by God Himself without the woman hence he opted to proceed to make a partner for the man with the components of the man. When the writer of the book of Proverbs said that “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from God” Proverbs 18: 22, he was only confirming an established foundation laid by God at creation.
It is not in impossible that every couple can live together the moment we are able to tolerate our differences, appreciate our limitations, weaknesses, and make up for them. The human idiosyncrasies make it imperative that two people living together must have misunderstandings. The degree of misunderstanding and the way it is handled will determine whether the matter will go beyond bounds. There is no family today that does not have their own teething challenges. Those who refuse to publicize their problems are seen as living saints in their marriages unlike those who chose to run their homes in social media. When Tiwa Sawage and husband came to the social media to advertise their misunderstanding, they provided the public the opportunity to destroy what was left of the marriage. Even if they reconcile any day, that does not remove the fact that they fed the public with food they did not deserve to eat. The same happens to many marriages.
Many people have argued that some of the factors that lead to domestic violence in our homes include economic situation (poverty), Ego, childlessness, Social status, over indulgence in social media, pornography, infidelity by either of the parties, gossips, role of In-Laws and parents, lack of proper communication, among others. But apart from the above factors, the principal factor is when couples remove God in their life after marriage and stop the life of prayer. Marriage is ordained by God and it is only God that can sustain it. The moment couples remove themselves from God, everything about the marriage will begin to crumble. There are people who have been in their marriages for over 50 years and they are human beings like others. Some spend only about a year and scatter.
For marriage, whether Christian, Muslim or traditional to succeed, there are natural obligations conferred on the partners. A woman is expected to cook for her husband whether she is a career person or not. It is a different thing that both couples are educated and they are both working and understand the challenges each other face in the place of work and decides to high a maid to take care of some chores in the house. There are obligations for the man or both parties to be faithful in the marriage and build trust. Mark D White, in an article, “What do we owe our Partners” distinguished between being obliged to do something and having an obligation to do it. Someone who has an external view feels obliged to follow legal rules, but purely in the sense that he will likely face punishment or other negative consequences should he break them. He feels no further reason to obey the law, since he considers himself "outside" of it, or that they were imposed on him by "the man." But someone with the internal view on the law, who believes that (most of) the laws he must follow (or the legal system in general) are justified, feels a true obligation to obey them, because he believes in them—they are part of his life and his community, and therefore part of his identity”. In the same way, “Someone who takes an internal view to her relationship may feel obligations towards her partner, and she considers this obligation to be part of who she is and what her relationship means to her. She values the relationship, she values her partner, and so she naturally feels the obligations that go along with it. If she and her partner value honesty, then she will feel an obligation to be open and truthful; if they value fidelity, she will feel an obligation to be faithful; and so on. Different couples value different things, which lead to different obligations.
St. Paul’s letter to Ephesians noted; "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Marriage is the foundation of all society. All wives are entitled to their husbands' love, whether beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, sub- missive or rebellious”. The man is also to love his wife as himself. This is both how (the Golden Rule) and why he is to love her (because they are both really one, loving her will result in blessings to him. All these obligations are encapsulated in living together as husband and wife, (Gen 2: 24); “Loving each other Col.3:19; Tit.2: Love is the great reason and comfort of marriage. This love is not merely romance, but genuine and constant affection and care for each other "fervently with a pure heart" (1 Pet. 1:22). Marital love cannot be based on beauty or wealth, for these are passing, and not even on piety, for that may decay. It must be based upon God's command which never changes. The marriage vow obliges "for better or for worse," and married persons ought to consider their own spouses the best in the world for them. Marital love must be durable, lasting even after death has severed the bond (Prov. 31:12). This true-hearted love brings true content and comfort in its train. It guards against adultery and jealousy. The slightest infidelity, even in the heart may lead to full-blown adultery. Without repentance, adultery destroys both earthly happiness and reasonable expectation of heaven. It almost dissolves marriage. The man who is not satisfied with one woman will never be satisfied with many. Faithfulness also involves keeping each other’s secrets. These must not be disclosed unless there is a greater obligation. It means that couples must be helpers to each other, they must be patient, tolerant and appreciative”.
Domestic violence will end in our homes the moment we return to God. All issues of economy, in-laws, childlessness, sex of babies, etc, nothing is beyond God if only we can put our ego aside, remain faithful, control our emotions, stop looking outside searching for what we have at home. Be contented with what we have, reduce use of social media to run our homes, avoid pornography and take our partners to be who we know them to be before we married them. Take good care of our children. It is only then that domestic violence will reduce and our society will be at peace. Let us return to our culture and morals and stop imitating western marriage and cultures. Those in the Nollywood should reflect our cultures in their movies like India (Bollywood) and not to focus on western civilization alone. At the end, we are still Africans, indeed, Nigerians! Government must ensure that the law on domestic violence is enforced so that offenders will receive adequate punishment to act as deterrent to others.

hmm hmm clear throat.