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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Mature Jokes (6057 Views)
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Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 9:47am On Nov 20, 2009 |
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you , you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 10:12am On Nov 20, 2009 |
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 10:16am On Nov 20, 2009 |
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!" |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 10:19am On Nov 20, 2009 |
A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!" "Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather. A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!" "Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather. About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!" . . . To be continued ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by hamjola: 1:39pm On Nov 20, 2009 |
nice one.its very tight. |
Re: Mature Jokes by odindhouse: 2:22am On Nov 21, 2009 |
nnaaamen your jokes are so much made of oyibos. i beg try bring it down to naija mentality.But i must confess you made sense anyway ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 3:26pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
Thanks, I'll see what I can do |
Re: Mature Jokes by romsky: 3:36pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
u go see stale, recycled, remix & co comments hia by monday |
Re: Mature Jokes by shayoor(f): 5:01pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
lol |
Re: Mature Jokes by 2Direct(m): 5:11pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
stale, better luck next time |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 10:37pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses." When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead. "Hello," the mechanic answers. "Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks. The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." "Oh, is that a record?" she says. "No," he says, "but it's better than average." |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 11:08pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents." So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage." The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let any boy park his car in it." The next day they are again the tub. The boy says its a car and remembers what his dad said. So he begins to put it in the girls "garage". But then the girl remembers what her mom said. 5 minutes later, the girl comes to the mom with blood all over her. The mother asks her what was wrong and she said: "Mommy, a boy tried to put his car in my garage, but I popped his two back tires." |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 11:55pm On Nov 21, 2009 |
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." |
Re: Mature Jokes by son1679: 8:19pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
Mr lightwalk,you are really off da hook,you are I GO DYE in the making,butttttttttttttttt,always have indegenious i.e naija flavor in your joke,i promise you will go far. |
Re: Mature Jokes by 2Direct(m): 8:21pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
No make me laugh abeg |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 8:42pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
son1679:Thanks, but I'm not taking the credit. I siphon and edit jokes and bring it to those who cannot find it ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by 2Direct(m): 8:47pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
U can say that again |
Re: Mature Jokes by scottN(m): 8:50pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
LMAO Nice compilations u got there! |
Re: Mature Jokes by 2Direct(m): 8:52pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
Nor dey wyne dis guy na |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 9:05pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
2Direct: ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by 2Direct(m): 9:10pm On Nov 22, 2009 |
Lol |
Re: Mature Jokes by krama(m): 3:49am On Nov 25, 2009 |
Great jokes there son! ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 12:01pm On Nov 25, 2009 |
Yeah Popsy! |
Re: Mature Jokes by odindhouse: 4:18am On Nov 28, 2009 |
lightwalk a beg no mind @direct. He never appreciate peoples work rather he depreciates . @2Direct jealousy no go kill u ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by Kunbee: 1:25am On Nov 29, 2009 |
Lightwalk mummy is proud ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by flekan(m): 10:30am On Nov 29, 2009 |
^^^ LMAO ^^^ Nice one Lightwalk |
Re: Mature Jokes by lightwalk(m): 12:34am On Nov 30, 2009 |
Kunbee:Yeh!!! |
Re: Mature Jokes by Kunbee: 2:10am On Dec 27, 2009 |
Congrats |
Re: Mature Jokes by krama(m): 4:16pm On Dec 29, 2009 |
Thanks |
Re: Mature Jokes by studio43(m): 6:20pm On Dec 29, 2009 |
Kunbee: nor make me laugh with that stale yarns abeg |
Re: Mature Jokes by Kunbee: 12:56am On Dec 30, 2009 |
I wish i can take it all back i dont like the guy again ![]() ![]() |
Re: Mature Jokes by gidson12(m): 8:48pm On Dec 31, 2009 |
lol, nice jokes |
Hilarious Chat Between Two Friends..... / Yabs From Warri Or Elsewhere: / "Liverless" Brothers! Hahaha
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