Can't laugh alone.
Boko haram members entered a church while the service was going on.
They asked the ushers to close every door and windows so that nobody can't escape.
They counted the number of worshippers and they were 150. They told them they would kill 100 out of these 150 members but in an alphabetical order of names, starting with the pastors.
They approached the senior pastor asking:"What's your name?" The pastor said Zechariah Zwingina. The next pastor said Zebedee Zaccheus, the third pastor said Zemmanuel Zwiliams.
They approached the elders. The first one said Zarepath Zolomon. The next one said Zalade Zomorin. The next one said Zetunji Zolusegun Zesther, Zimilehin.
They approached the choir and the first chorister out of fear pointed to the organist and said his name is Abraham Ahmadu. The Organist screamed: "He is a liar. My name is Zabraham Zahmadu."
If you were in the congregation, what will be your name?

I remember once,when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car...
When i got home, i explained 2 my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me.. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a car that we have not seen before..
We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they came to cut our wire..
My dad beat the hell out of me again..

Dame Patience Jonathan went out for drink with some of the Top Women after which the Waiter brought their bills:-

• Patience Jonathan. N10,400
• Ngozi Okonjo.......... N10,250
• Folasade Bent.........N10,450
• Turai Yar’adua..........N10,200
• Total.........................N41,300

Patience Jonathan said: I will pay for everyone else, but Total must pay for herself because I didn’t invite her, afterall she owns petrol stations all over Nigeria!

I miss Jonathan ooo. Now that Buhari is the president, his wife hasn't made Nigerians laugh and forget their sorrows like first lady Dame Patience did? The woman increased the life span of an average Nigerian.

Examples of her "award winning speeches"
include:

1- * Nigeria is a great CONTINENT.

2- * My husband and Sambo IS good people.

3- * I rather KILL myself than commit SUICIDE.

4- * My fellow widows.

5- * I travelled to abroad to rest in peace.

6- * My husband is the best couple on earth.

7- * The doctors are responding to treatment.

8- * For those who said I speech bad English, I
left them for God.

9- * Ojukwu is dead, but his Manhood still lives
on.

10- * Na only you waka come?

11- * Chai ! Chai !! Chai !!! This blood we are
"sharing"

12- * diaris God o...

13- * on behave of N2million I donate my family.

14- HAPPY baiday to my Husband your days are numbered

15- *To all those who think Goodluck Jonathan has failed, I have a question for you. When a child fails an exam, isn't the child supposed to be repeated?

I haven't been myself since yesterday when I heard my neighbor's son saying;

Capital letter 1

Small letter 1

Capital letter 2

Small letter 2


School fees wasted

gbengarock:
I remember once,when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car...
When i got home, i explained 2 my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me.. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside our house was a car that we have not seen before..
We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they came to cut our wire..
My dad beat the hell out of me again..

Guy got me on dis one 101% yu too much!

onward4life:


Guy got me on dis one 101% yu too much!

Thanks bro

MY FIRST TIME TO USE A CONDOM...
I entered a shop and bought a pack with 3 condoms, looked at them curiously for a while wondering how on earth I could use them.
The Lady at the counter noticed my puzzlement and asked sincerely,
''Have you ever used a condom?
Do you know how to put it on?''
I blushed and said,"No!"
The lady took one condom and opened it and wore it on her thumb as an example.

"This is how you wear it. You have to make sure its tight!''
I was even more puzzled by this.
I was just an innnocent young man.
She noticed how shy and confused I was. "You must be a virgin," she said teasingly.
"Have you ever had sex?"... She asked.. l said, ''No!"

Then she looked around the shop; there was no one but just the 2 of us.
She called me behind the counter, opened the door leading to the back rooms and invited me in.
She quickly locked the door,told me to hurry up...
"We don't have time!" She said.

She pulled her short skirt up, her panty down, opened her legs and layed her back on a table.
Then she told me to wear the condom on just like she had told me.
I did, and she pulled me close, and oh yes there I Was right deep inside her wet sweet flesh. ......

But Oh My God no, in just two minutes inside it was just too much and I came, tsaaa tsaaa tsaaa tsaaaa twii twii tsaaa ziii.!!
The lady feels it too, she feels the hot fluid inside her,and asks me,
''Did you put the condom on like I told you?"
"Yes I did. Just like you told me!" I replied.
She says, ''Lets see!"
(I showed her)
"Oh shit!" she screamed. "You are supposed to wear it on your Paris not on your THUMB, you fool...!!!..
.
.
That's how I became a dad

#I am off to buy pampers

I was watching one American film yesterday night with my Dad and Mum, as we were watching the film, a young boy of my age started romancing his girlfriend, they kissed each other and when the guy's hand crossed the girl's private part, I looked straight at my dad and noticed that his eyes had changed, then I focused my eyes more on the film even though I knew my dad wanted me to leave the parlour at once, I did not care. They were still kissing, this time hotter, then they both fell on the bed and the guy was about to open the girl's brazier.
My Dad looked at me with his red eyes and shouted "have you ironed the car? I was like " yes i even put starch"

*LET ME LOOK FOR TROUBLE...* *Real Madrid*has Bale, Benzema, Cristiano *(BBC)* *Barcelona* has Messi, Suarez, Neymar *(MSN)* *Chelsea* has Pedro, Hazard, Diego *(PHD)* *Manchester United* has Rooney, Ibrahimovic, Pogba *(RIP)* *Meanwhile only Arsenal has* Giroud, Oxlade, Aaron, Theo, Sanchez * (GOATS)* Hahahahahha Come and beat me nah..I dey my house...

gbengarock:
Can't laugh alone.
Boko haram members entered a church while the service was going on.
They asked the ushers to close every door and windows so that nobody can't escape.
They counted the number of worshippers and they were 150. They told them they would kill 100 out of these 150 members but in an alphabetical order of names, starting with the pastors.
They approached the senior pastor asking:"What's your name?" The pastor said Zechariah Zwingina. The next pastor said Zebedee Zaccheus, the third pastor said Zemmanuel Zwiliams.
They approached the elders. The first one said Zarepath Zolomon. The next one said Zalade Zomorin. The next one said Zetunji Zolusegun Zesther, Zimilehin.
They approached the choir and the first chorister out of fear pointed to the organist and said his name is Abraham Ahmadu. The Organist screamed: "He is a liar. My name is Zabraham Zahmadu."
If you were in the congregation, what will be your name?

..mine will be zombie..

GregZoe:

Na die b dat o

emmanuel1990:
..mine will be zombie..

mine is zygbenga. Before Dem reach me ehn everybody go don die