A Little Math

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So, he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes
for Junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester, Junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk.

"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now. I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So, Junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula. Pi r squared."

At hearing this, the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why, everybody knows pie are round. Cornbread are squared!"


Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.


To Be Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to the Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. The Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie. He got her popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again"?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"


Johnny Goes to School

Teacher: "What is actually used as a conductor of electricity"?

Johnny: "Why, er"?

Teacher: "Wire is right. Very good. Now, tell me, what is the unit of electrical power"?

Johnny: "The what"?

Teacher: "That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now, class, you should all study diligently, like Johnny here."


Right On Target

An FBI marksman was passing through a small town. Everywhere he looked, he saw evidence of the most amazing marksmanship. Every tree, wall and fence sported numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole dead center.

The marksman asked one of the locals if he could meet the person responsible for this incredible accuracy.

"Oh, you don't want to talk to him. He's the village idiot."

Nevertheless, the marksman persisted and was introduced to the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the agent. "How in the world do you do it"?

"Nothing to it! I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."


1962 Maserati

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what"? to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage.

"Vic," I said. "You're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati"?

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat.

"Yes," he replied. "Oil."


Locked Out

I recently saw a distraught young lady standing beside her car.

"Do you need some help"? I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker," she explained, exasperated. "Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a convenience store a couple blocks down) would have a battery to fit this"?

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too"? I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me to inspect.

I took the key and manually unlocked the door. "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

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