I think you need to have a very very serious conversation with her. She's childish and very selfish. That she doesn't even think to take care of her kids when she is angry is disturbing. She also has an anger problem plus she is very unforgiving. Let her know that you cannot forgive someone who cannot forgive other's. First she needs to go and reconcile and beg all her family members. Then she needs to start making a serious effort to change her behavior. You also need to draw her attention to this thread. Not to comment, but to actually read how her actions is affecting her own life, her future, her children and her home. She's not a kid, she's a mother. At this point she must either grow up, or let you have peace in your life.

First talk to her and let her read this thread carefully. Some people act badly but never consider the effects on their actions on their loved ones.

baby124:
I think you need to have a very very serious conversation with her. She's childish and very selfish. That she doesn't even think to take care of her kids when she is angry is disturbing. She also has an anger problem plus she is very unforgiving. Let her know that you cannot forgive someone who cannot forgive other's. First she needs to go and reconcile and beg all her family members. Then she needs to start making a serious effort to change her behavior. You also need to draw her attention to this thread. Not to comment, but to actually read how her actions is affecting her own life, her future, her children and her home. She's not a kid, she's a mother. At this point she must either grow up, or let you have peace in your life.

First talk to her and let her read this thread carefully. Some people act badly but never consider the effects on their actions on their loved ones.

I am really surprised about everybody's comments. It seems you all have watched this movie of my life. You all say it as if you are there with me.Our life our future everything is being affected. Everything must be about her. I have seen t
Her level of anger anywhere. She never forgives, I will keep apologising for everything, even if I cry she is not even touched. At times I just Canty believe...

From what I can gather, there isn't an iota of goodness this woman is bringing to the table, makes me wonder two things,

1.What has kept you going on for a whooping 10 years.

2. Why now, what finally broke the camel's back, these things you talk of, u also stated she has been doing consistently, it's not like she is just starting.

Talltom:
From what I can gather, there isn't an iota of goodness this woman is bringing to the table, makes me wonder two things,

1.What has kept you going on for a whooping 10 years.

2. Why now, what finally broke the camel's back, these things you talk of, u also stated she has been doing consistently, it's not like she is just starting.

I was once adviced that if she start having children she will change, also I draw my strength from the fact that the children rely so much on me. Just thinking of leaving them alone with her is already making me cry as I am typing this.

2 The reason I am speaking out now is that of late all her family members and even the pastor that use to encourage me are all tired, she does not pik any body's call again,
Moreover somebody told me of this forum over 6months ago, but I just think it is unfair to talk about my wife's behavior in public.

Oga, you owe yourself some level of happiness Biko. She might be craving for happiness as well with thoughts of your as the hindrance! Would you just do yourself and her a favour by drawing the curtain on your marriage? It's just something I would advise me if I were you! Life is really too short to court sorrows! It is well.

dusseldorf:
I was once adviced that if she start having children she will change, also I draw my strength from the fact that the children rely so much on me. Just thinking of leaving them alone with her is already making me cry as I am typing this.

2 The reason I am speaking out now is that of late all her family members and even the pastor that use to encourage me are all tired, she does not pik any body's call again,
Moreover somebody told me of this forum over 6months ago, but I just think it is unfair to talk about my wife's behavior in public.

Your statements are constantly filled with "advice" from others, quite unfortunately, I am certain it's part of the reason you are here, in this mess, no one REALLY understands your problem or your wife that's why thier advice hasnt helped, usually when we give an account of a problem, we tend to be biased, only a few a able to isolate their view from the truth and give concise information( most times unknowingly).

In short you are all the help you are going to get, no one can revive this marriage except you( I believe you have to work on it, for the children sake at least), there is no clear cut solution to this ( don't look forward to one) , no one can give you the perfect answer, even if I had been in this instance before, am sure the individual involved would have been of different behavior or temperance.

While this post may not be as relieving, I think I should emphasis that there are some basis you can start off with, why did u fall in love with her in the first place?, I shudder to think you married her because your pastor or immediates urged you to, they probably helped you to see better what you were looking at but none forced your hand. You said she is sidelining members of the family and church folk, humans are social beings so she is taking consolation and advice elsewhere, find out, we are usually the friends we keep afterall.

dusseldorf:
I was once adviced that if she start having children she will change, also I draw my strength from the fact that the children rely so much on me. Just thinking of leaving them alone with her is already making me cry as I am typing this.

2 The reason I am speaking out now is that of late all her family members and even the pastor that use to encourage me are all tired, she does not pik any body's call again,
Moreover somebody told me of this forum over 6months ago, but I just think it is unfair to talk about my wife's behavior in public.

So you want those children you love so much to grow up in a toxic environment? Don't you want them to be NORMAL? Don't you know your wife's actions also affects them?

I get that you are a weakling (my apologies ) but this is not just about you anymore, there are young children involved now too. How do you want them to turn out after being raised by a father who's incompetent of making reasonable decisions for himself and a mother who's a narcissistic sociopath

You need to get them away from your wife ASAP. How you even managed to have 4 kids in such a dire situation is beyond me. Why don't you understand that you have serious responsibilities now, people's lives are now in your hands to mould. . . . . You can't afford to coast through life blaming the people around you anymore.

Your wife is not the problem here. . . You are! It's not like she changed or became evil overnight. This is who she has always being. How do you expect such a person to magically become Mother Theresa because her pastors and family said she would?

You need to wake up and start being responsible for yourself and your kids. Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of children you will raise in that kind of environment.

tuscani:
yes you are right. I was blind. But I keep wondering were some one could have this kind of heart without mercy

Then she is from the pit of hell, anyway you know what to do bros.

For the sake of your kids sanity,please separate with your wife and see if things will work out between you and her. I know it won't be easy,but it's time to MAN UP. Is she working?

I wonder why some people feel that marriage is a 'do or sir's affair.
If it isn't working, there is really no need to continue the union.

3years? and your senses are still intact. she might probably be attached to some other man. the main thing that makes a woman act weird is the presence of another man in her life. I just feel for the kids.

Ujoan:


So you want those children you love so much to grow up in a toxic environment? Don't you want them to be NORMAL? Don't you know your wife's actions also affects them?

I get that you are a weakling (my apologies ) but this is not just about you anymore, there are young children involved now too. How do you want them to turn out after being raised by a father who's incompetent of making reasonable decisions for himself and a mother who's a narcissistic sociopath

You need to get them away from your wife ASAP. How you even managed to have 4 kids in such a dire situation is beyond me. Why don't you understand that you have serious responsibilities now, people's lives are now in your hands to mould. . . . . You can't afford to coast through life blaming the people around you anymore.

Your wife is not the problem here. . . You are! It's not like she changed or became evil overnight. This is who she has always being. How do you expect such a person to magically become Mother Theresa because her pastors and family said she would?

You need to wake up and start being responsible for yourself and your kids. Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of children you will raise in that kind of environment.

Hmmmmm, harsh but the truth is always bitter. Thanks for the very unbiased response

To all the girls on nairaland, no insult intended but I have this impression of our African girls especially Nigerian girls. Once they are earning higher than their man,they tend to use him for a mop stick for toilet purposes,respect and regard dies off but when the vice is versa,u will see how submissive and angelic they can be. Moral of this is, strive to earn higher which ever way,that puts u in control. My dear writer, I am of the opinion that marriage is not a do or die affair,if it ain't working,move on. What matters more is your happiness cos we die alone. Be happy and for the kids,God will watch them grow. Move on

dusseldorf:
Dear nairalanders, I need your help. Please what do I do? I have so much to say, but I can’t say all, ask me any question, and I will be willing to answer. Please ignore the typo.
PLEASE NAIRALANDERS WHAT DO I DO, HOW DO I HANDLE THIS SITUATION.

I will just kind of summarize. I have been married for ten years, with 4kids. For all these years there has been too many fights in the house. My wife and I rarely agree on anything, and the truth is that it is getting worse.

BEGINNING
Let me start from the beginning, we dated for 4 years before marriage, all these four years , it was one trouble to another, it got so worse at a time I left the relationship. She came over to beg me that she will change from her hot temper and total disrespect. I initially was reluctant, but the pastor of her church told me one thing, that the bible said we should forgive 70 x 7 times, and moreover, if I cannot tolerate her character, then it means I am not man enough and ready for marriage, then, these words looked very reasonable to me, my pastor advised me against the marriage… I accepted her, one thing led to another and we started planning for the wedding. The trouble won’t stop. Less than two months after the marriage, she has not spoken to that her same pastor, just because they had a minor misunderstanding. It is been ten years since then

PROGRESSION
After the wedding, she kept being totally disrespectful to me, she will never listen to me, I tried to talk to her, she will never listen, her mother, her eldest sister her brothers and uncle have all spoken to her to stop being disrespectful to me but she would not listen, she thinks we all are the one that needs to change. She thinks she is always right. As I write now, she is not at speaking terms with every single member of her siblings. She stop communicating with Her Aunt that lives in the state who tried to intervene. It is the same Aunt that saw her through the University, she lost her father at a tender age.

OUR HOME
She is always complaining about domestic work at home, I dress the kids for school, she make their hair take them to school and bring them back, When she is away for school runs, I mind our baby. I do the dishes, I sweep the house, we use the wash machine for clothes, we both wash separately, she can never wash her clothes with mine. I cook for the kids and myself. For the past 3 year , anytime we argue over anything , she stops cooking, I have too cook for myself and the kids, while she cook her food separately, although I still try to eat from whatever she make, just to dowse the tension, but she will never touch my food. The only way I guarantee peace in the house is just to let her have a way at all times… For example, 3 years ago she will just leave home without telling me , I tried to tell her, it was wrong, she got angry and said she will never tell me, I should do my worse, I never mind if I am leaving home I will still tell her . after about two weeks, she called me and say to my face that even if I am telling her before I leave, that will not make her tell me if she is leaving. SHE THEN PROCEED TO SAY I SHOULD STOP TELLING HER IF I AM GOING OUT. We have been leaving like that for the past 3 years, we do not tell each other were we are going to, we just leave the house. I find this very painful and disgusting, she can never be wrong, she can never say sorry, she even insult me and call me names in the presence of the kids. For 3 years now, she has not cook for the family for a total of more than 6 months. There is no single day I don’t get insulted,
[b][/b]
Of course sex is dead, she sleeps alone in her room with her separate toilet, the kids and I share same room and same toilet. She sent me out of our room 2 years ago with complains that I snore… THE TRUTH IS THAT, I SNORE, IT CAN BE VERY LOUD. The truth is that it was after like 8 months that she sent me away from the run before she gave the snoring excuse. I literally beg for sex, for the past 6 months we have basically not had sex (I laugh at times when I read about people condemning masturbation on this forum, brothers and sisters, masturbation is the only thing that has stopped from going to look for other women…)

The feminists will probably tell you need to be more romantic, but I think you need to decide who wears the trouser in that house. I will rather stay single than live like that. Life is too short to live so unhappily

Your wife rarely cooks, you do most of the house chore, no sex, she tells you where to sleep, she doesn't see you worthy enough to inquire about her itenaries.... I suspect there is something you are not telling us, I find it difficult to understand y a man should puts up with so much rubbish for 10 years (if true).

dusseldorf:
I am really surprised about everybody's comments. It seems you all have watched this movie of my life. You all say it as if you are there with me.Our life our future everything is being affected. Everything must be about her. I have seen t
Her level of anger anywhere. She never forgives, I will keep apologising for everything, even if I cry she is not even touched. At times I just Canty believe...

Just talk to here very seriously and show her this thread. She must change her attitude at this point or get help to change if she cannot manage herself. Also please make sure you understand if there is something in her past she is keeping secret, that is making her act this way to her family. See sometimes things happen way back that could make one not have a forgiving spirit towards their family members. That frustration may play out in other areas of her life, which could now be what you are suffering. What ever she confides in you, never bring it up as a way to hurt her or to use for fight. Just help her work through her issues. I suspect something deeper may be going on than she has ever told anyone. Remember her father died when she was young. Girl children are so vulnerable without a father figure in some families and all sorts happen that are swept under the carpet. And these girls are expected to pretend that all is well. Just have a serious, non judgmental conversation with her.

Talltom:


Your statements are constantly filled with "advice" from others, quite unfortunately, I am certain it's part of the reason you are here, in this mess, no one REALLY understands your problem or your wife that's why thier advice hasnt helped, usually when we give an account of a problem, we tend to be biased, only a few a able to isolate their view from the truth and give concise information( most times unknowingly).

In short you are all the help you are going to get, no one can revive this marriage except you( I believe you have to work on it, for the children sake at least), there is no clear cut solution to this ( don't look forward to one) , no one can give you the perfect answer, even if I had been in this instance before, am sure the individual involved would have been of different behavior or temperance.

While this post may not be as relieving, I think I should emphasis that there are some basis you can start off with, why did u fall in love with her in the first place?, I shudder to think you married her because your pastor or immediates urged you to, they probably helped you to see better what you were looking at but none forced your hand. You said she is sidelining members of the family and church folk, humans are social beings so she is taking consolation and advice elsewhere, find out, we are usually the friends we keep afterall.

You have said the truth. You do not owe me any apology,you are just trying to help, my story annoys everybidy, our neighbours everybody, I know I am the solution to the problem. And I know it is time to act. I do really appreciate everybody's contributions. I am humbled by the fact that you all spent your precious time and resources to provide comprehensive responses. I really thank you all

Ujoan:


So you want those children you love so much to grow up in a toxic environment? Don't you want them to be NORMAL? Don't you know your wife's actions also affects them?

I get that you are a weakling (my apologies ) but this is not just about you anymore, there are young children involved now too. How do you want them to turn out after being raised by a father who's incompetent of making reasonable decisions for himself and a mother who's a narcissistic sociopath

You need to get them away from your wife ASAP. How you even managed to have 4 kids in such a dire situation is beyond me. Why don't you understand that you have serious responsibilities now, people's lives are now in your hands to mould. . . . . You can't afford to coast through life blaming the people around you anymore.

Your wife is not the problem here. . . You are! It's not like she changed or became evil overnight. This is who she has always being. How do you expect such a person to magically become Mother Theresa because her pastors and family said she would?

You need to wake up and start being responsible for yourself and your kids. Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of children you will raise in that kind of environment.

Thanks for your response I am really grateful. I just know I have to put an end to this very terrible situation

sisisioge:
Oga, you owe yourself some level of happiness Biko. She might be craving for happiness as well with thoughts of your as the hindrance! Would you just do yourself and her a favour by drawing the curtain on your marriage? It's just something I would advise me if I were you! Life is really too short to court sorrows! It is well.

Hmmmmm, this one perspective I have been looking at. You are really right

tonyfran:
For the sake of your kids sanity,please separate with your wife and see if things will work out between you and her. I know it won't be easy,but it's time to MAN UP. Is she working?

Presently, no, but she had worked before, things were not different, the separation thing is another good option I have tot off. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you all for spending your time and resources on this issue

Op, are you d same person as tuscani?

Domestic violence She don see u finish and trust me she cares less what u do. I wont and cannot advice that u divorce her. U should find all d joy u need frm those kids. Be happy. As for d no sex thg mehn im mute on that but she seem to have shut u off completely and that masturbation may relieve u for that period but wont help u and it could even make u more agitated or depressed.

Shes nt cheating is she? She obviously has somethgs locked up inside her shes just unleashing them now. The problem may nt even be you. Just be happy marriage is for bettr for worse oh but nt at the expense of ur peace of mind. Take care of u! Those babies need u!!

Are u sure u are alive?..u ain't a man at all...u r d side bf ....u re just waiting 4 d day she'll shoot u in d head...or is she d one feeding n taking care of u n d children ? Wot kind of man r u n wot kind of woman did u get married 2?
I just don't understand hw a man canb dis weak...u r lost...d best tin nw is 2 send dat devil parking.... (that's if u hv d mind...because frm wot you stated earlier u r afraid of ur own woman..)...wit dis kind od wife i doubt if u can stay alive for d nxt 10yrs....good luck...I'm certain she's cheating on u...U BE COMPLETE ODE...that's y she's playin u like card

chrisifeanyi:
[size=20pt]Is she feeding you? Is she responsible for your children upkeep? Even if she is and then? What nonsense. Nwokem I buro nwoke( you are not a man) Do you even have relatives? Like brothers or sisters? If you are dull every member of your family won't be dull. Complain to them and if you have sisters like mine; na night bus they will use come from east come pursue am. I am very angry right now. Imagine a woman treating you like a houseboy. Which month where you born sef? Which zodiac is that? I need to avoid it for my children cos your temperament sucks. You are far from man. Continue to endure. Rubbish[/size]

Thanks my sister...that was exactly wot i told him....he's less than a man...or was he hyphypnotised?...i feel like beating him to coma....i swear...i hate him already with all my hrt...4 9ja here nai a woman go de do u like rat n being d FOOL that u are...u r there enjoying d suffering for 10yrs...if u r really enjoyin it....4 d sake of ur innocent kids...do something b4 she poisons u....she even kicked u out of ur bedroom....oga sorry but u r not a man...u r even less than a woman...n i dont care if dem ban me....de dia

With all these end time new abt 9ja women....i wonder if getting married is d right thing to do...as a man..
I'm scared of getting married ooo....
Is beta4me to stay single n enjoy my life...hv 2 kids outside wedlock... that's the best...chaiiii...
U are a 21st Century weakling...sorry..but u deserve it...

prettyangel10:
Op, are you d same person as tuscani?

no, tuscani introduced me to nairaland to seek help, but when I couldn't sign in, I have to use his account to respond to the numerous questions. I do not want to keep all you lovely people waiting

CuteCp:
With all these end time new abt 9ja women....i wonder if getting married is d right thing to do...as a man..
I'm scared of getting married ooo....
Is beta4me to stay single n enjoy my life...hv 2 kids outside wedlock... that's the best...chaiiii...
U are a 21st Century weakling...sorry..but u deserve it...

Bros I know I will be called names, but i have to tske the courage to join this forum...but we all can act funny at times

CuteCp:
With all these end time new abt 9ja women....i wonder if getting married is d right thing to do...as a man..
I'm scared of getting married ooo....
Is beta4me to stay single n enjoy my life...hv 2 kids outside wedlock... that's the best...chaiiii...
U are a 21st Century weakling...sorry..but u deserve it...

Bros I know, but we all can act funny at times

CuteCp:


Thanks my sister...that was exactly wot i told him....he's less than a man...or was he hyphypnotised?...i feel like beating him to coma....i swear...i hate him already with all my hrt...4 9ja here nai a woman go de do u like rat n being d FOOL that u are...u r there enjoying d suffering for 10yrs...if u r really enjoyin it....4 d sake of ur innocent kids...do something b4 she poisons u....she even kicked u out of ur bedroom....oga sorry but u r not a man...u r even less than a woman...n i dont care if dem ban me....die dia

Bro I understand your anger with me, but you are not sayiny all these things because you hate me like you said. But you are actually angry and saying them because you really care for my life and safety. You just want me to wake up. I will wake up, the truth is DAT coming to this forum is one step... Well as for Hypnosis ? anything is possible

Missonas:
Domestic violence She don see u finish and trust me she cares less what u do. I wont and cannot advice that u divorce her. U should find all d joy u need frm those kids. Be happy. As for d no sex thg mehn im mute on that but she seem to have shut u off completely and that masturbation may relieve u for that period but wont help u and it could even make u more agitated or depressed.

Shes nt cheating is she? She obviously has somethgs locked up inside her shes just unleashing them now. The problem may nt even be you. Just be happy marriage is for bettr for worse oh but nt at the expense of ur peace of mind. Take care of u! Those babies need u!!

These are deep thoughts, thanks for finding time to reply.I really appreciate

CuteCp:
Are u sure u are alive?..u ain't a man at all...u r d side bf ....u re just waiting 4 d day she'll shoot u in d head...or is she d one feeding n taking care of u n d children ? Wot kind of man r u n wot kind of woman did u get married 2?
I just don't understand hw a man canb dis weak...u r lost...d best tin nw is 2 send dat devil parking.... (that's if u hv d mind...because frm wot you stated earlier u r afraidh of ur own woman..)...wit dis kind od wife i doubt if u can stay alive for d nxt 10yrs....good luck...I'm certain she's cheating on u...U BE COMPLETE ODE...that's y she's playin u like card

Hmmmmm, I think coming to this forum shows I have started taking step to stop this . I do really appreciate your response , I believe the I sults are just from anger on the way I am being treated. Like the saying goes, ' weep a sweeping horse to life ' I believe you all are weeping me to life with your comments

prettyangel10:
Op, are you d same person as tuscani?

Seems like he is.

dusseldorf:
Bro I understand your anger with me, but you are not sayiny all these things because you hate me like you said. But you are actually angry and saying them because you really care for my life and safety. You just want me to wake up. I will wake up, the truth is DAT coming to this forum is one step... Well as for Hypnosis ? anything is possible

Yea I'm so sorry 4 calling u names though...I'm just angry with d way u handled her...u over pampered her...n u 4got 2 read btw d lines...u ignored d red flags all because of luv...u 4got dat love alone isn't enof 2 mk marriage work...4 d sake of ur innocent kids send dat demon outta ur house n outta ur life...one day she can just decide 2 poison u...i swear...like say i knw u wella nw...i 4 don help u pursue that demon frm ur house...i bet u she's cheating already