#Viviangist

About yesterday in the evening, one of this oversabi church members came to visit. As if I knew the devil was trying to show off, immediately I sighted her, I respected my age, and absconded from the living room to my room. Yass! devuu and his cohorts shouldn't be given any platform to shine. Never!


As I was reading up stuffs in my room, my ears were forming Dj Xclusive. They were busy mixing and filtering Aunty's over loud and coarse voice into what I was reading. I couldn't bear it. Which Kain wahala be this Na? Why cant my parents chose their friends wisely ehn? Why can't they be like me? This Christianity wahala is becoming unbecoming o.
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All of a sudden, momsy bumped into my room; " Ayo are you deaf?" Can't you hear sister Faustina's voice? Common will you go and greet her and stop making this family look bad Oya!"
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Hian! "Mummy biko, I've exhausted all the pleasantries in my possession in church today. Abeg I don't have any greeting that I'm not using at the moment. Nothing to waste at all! Besides she doesn't even know I'm around. Immediately I sighted her, I went to my room. LCM of this gist; my greetings for the day is finished."


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My mum flared up. She reminded me about how she carried me for nine months. She reminded me about the pains of pregnancy. She reminded me that I was the fattest child at birth. I weighed 5kg. In other words, Na me tear her nyash.
She went on and on with her emotional blackmail. Even the book wey I dey read sef come taya me join."Okay ooo. Etaf do! Lemme go and greet your sister Faustina.
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I came out with my church mind to greet the Kain sister Faustina o. I have not even finished greeting when she started shouting like those small masquerade wanabees in my village... " Hey! This your pikin don big o. Oyibo!!!You are now a fine big girl. I hope you're preparing for the ultimate??
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Wetin be the ultimate? World end? Rapture? World war? "Aunty I don't understand what you just said". I replied.
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She laughed and reiterated; "the ultimate Na! Now that you're done with youth service, when are we coming to drink wine?"
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I laughed."Oh! Wine! Why are you making wine sound like a big deal? If wine is your problem, you can drink it now. If you're serious. I can get you wine now. You don't need to fix a date to drink wine."
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Aunty Faustina was shocked. She gave me this you-must-be-super-dumb look. "Ayo, I am not a hungry woman. Wine can never be my problem. You don't even understand sayings in our tradition. I mean when are you getting married?"
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Ghen Ghen! Devuu is about to do fashion parade. Shey you see why I wanted to remain in my room? "ERM ...Aunty do you really want me to answer that?"
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"Yes o. You better answer. You know you're now mature right? You better be fast about it. So when?" She asked again.
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"Whenever" I replied.
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She laughed very hard. Apparently she was beginning to feel uneasy. " Ayo do you think you're still 20? How old are you? Tell me."
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"Old enough" I replied.
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She looked at me. I sensed a tiny bit of anger in her voice when she said my bad mouth and disrespect will drive men away from me. She said I was proud and looked picky, that was why I've not been able to 'secure' a man.
The funniest thing was that my mother was there observing her sister in the lord vomit all sorts of nonsense. For her mind Na elderly advice. Okay ooo! Congratulations Devuu. You have finally concluded your fashion parade. So you wan start choreography abi? No wahala.
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Sister went on; "look ! You better humble yourself o. No man likes to marry a peacock. Aside that, humble yourself so that you can secure a man for yourself! Girls like you, you people think of rich men only. You can marry a guy who has very little, but is ready to build on it with you. Don't keep your eye up and be waiting for rich man o! You hear?"
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"Okay ma". I replied. She continued;
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And erm, don't let this your fairness and beauty get into your head o! Don't allow it! Secondly, don't be too flashy. Mind the kind of phones you carry about. Mind the kind of places you enter. No be every time you go enter motor. Sometimes use leg! Trek! You know why? If you're perceived as high class or rich, that's the end! No man for you! Men run away from rich ladies. They intimidate them! So just look decent. Keep praying too. Man will come. Inugo?"
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"Wait fez o. Aunty I'm beginning to hate this your porous school of thought o. You just told me to consider a man who has nothing but potentials to build on, and I agreed. So why can't a man consider a woman who's rich? Why must women pretend to be broke and low class just to get a man to marry them? Why should I hide my big phone? Why should I trek when I can use a vehicle? Is marriage now synonymous to suffering? Haba! No Aunty! This your ideology is porous. Its even standing on one leg. If the only way to get married is by pretending to be decent, broke and tattered. I don't want. God forbid that i have to play the less privileged card to get a man to marry me. Tueh!"
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"Ha Ayo! You must want o. You don't want to marry? I cancel it for you in Jesus name! Chukwu aju! So if you're not marrying now, what do you intend to achieve at the moment?"
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"Well, Aunty, I want to make money. I want to have sick money. I want to acquire a lot of properties. Assets. I want to drive the latest car. If possible, I want to do all these before marriage. I want my money to grow like grass. Money is my problem! I no even get better savings yet."
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"So in other words, I should keep my opinion?" Aunty asked.
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"Nooooo. I never said that. All I'm saying is that any opinion that cannot write me a paycheck now, is very unnecessary, and shouldn't be kept, but discarded." I replied.
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Some people just like to dey form special adviser on matters wey no concern them. Smh!
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I got up to leave again; "Ayo sit down! " momsy screamed again!
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Hian! See my mom forming commander in chief oo. Mothers and orders! Village people will just be using them to spoil show for nothing.
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Kai! I must practice these kain orders on my kids .I'll be like; "Korede where are your earrings? Oya shut up and get me that remote control. Chukwuma get me a glass of water, ASAP! Be fast about it." Then I will sit down, cross leg, be chewing potato chips and be watching TV. ... Yass!
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I must do back o. My shudren go hear am. You think I'm joking? I don suffer for my mama hand fa! I sat down till Aunty left o. Me that like to walk out after making my point,I sat down for extra 20 minutes. I swear motherhood comes with a lot of powers plus emotional blackmail. No be joke o.

http://www.viviangist.net/motherhood-comes-with-a-lot-of-emotional-blackmail

Written by Penocrat Ayomide Kindness

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Spoilt brat

So Madam Ayo, when exactly are you getting married?

But you still never tell us when you are getting married