“I do not like the way you just talked to me!” I went quiet. Then finally responded with “really”. “Yes” she said. “and you did it last week too; then I felt I deserved it some, but right now I do not think I do.” Two questions arose in my heart
1. Is it possible I have an anger issue?
2. Does my anger, no matter how justified, mean that I can speak to my “wife" rudely or with any amount of disrespect?

Eph 4 v 26: Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath.
I realized that my anger, while thoroughly justified in my head, had caused me to speak in an unloving way. I also realized that if I had the desired control I would have liked, I would not have spoken to her that way. I could have patiently told her I was angry and why. Yes, I could have made her understand what she did wrong and how she could have done it differently and better, without resorting to rude and brash rhetoric. In the definition of the man that I would like to be, I am permitted to be angry, but to also have self-control; patiently correct and in love. 1 Tim 5v1 says “Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity”. Now if this is how I should treat brethren, how much more my “wife", the one to whom I am joined as one. She deserves infinitely more respect.
She had rightly said this was not the first time. I remembered the many fights we had the previous week. Twas a really horrible week. We didn’t seem to stop fighting and I shouted at her at least on 2 occasions and cut the call on her once. I had sincerely apologized but i truly felt that if the situation repeated itself, I would act the same way. And no, I did not like the way I had let my anger control me. In my anger, I had sinned. Though it had abated quickly, it had led me to act unlovingly. Do I really have an anger management problem?
I am reminded of a Bible study I once attended, it was on marriage and its issues. Someone had asked what to do with a “boyfriend/ girlfriend or fiance/fiancee” (I got the distinct impression they were not married) who was acting out in anger, and probably frequently. The answers that had come were sincere but grossly less than satisfactory. The moderator and two other people who had stood up to give their opinions suggested an immediate break in the relationship. The person who sent in the question did not elaborate as to the extent of the “acting out” but I doubt there was physical abuse. I am also sure the person wanted any other solution asides from breaking up. Now I am not saying the physical abuse is the only line that should not be crossed, but I just felt a better solution could have been found other than an immediate breakup.
We are all imperfect, but chasing perfection and as such we should give some room in our love for these imperfections. Anger and it's poor management often lead to abuse. Abuse is not only physical but also includes neglect, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse.
To those who accept that they are imperfect, and are in relationships with imperfect people but who also wish to become perfect ( long story short, if you partner dey too vex and dey take am out on you in a way you no gbadu at all), you must first of all go to your father in prayer and report the matter. Tell him everything, including the parts of it, you think is your fault. It is however extremely important to note that everybody gets angry, but not everybody acts out. It is possible to be red hot yet act ice cold. This is where we should all aspire to get to. So every “victim” must know that while you may make your partner angry, acting out in anger, regularly and frequently is not normal.
After talking with your heavenly father, talk with a reliable friend (could be a mentor or just a confidant) who will have your back no matter what but not be scared to tell you the facts and opinions as they are. You both should come up with a list of things; lines that must not be crossed. This is important because you need to objectively determine when it is necessary (especially if your safety is in question) to leave the relationship. It does not even have to get to physical abuse. Once things aggravate in frequency or gravity (as they often do in these situations) to a certain extent, or after a certain time has elapsed without change, an objective decision must be made. You should give this list to your trusted confidant and he/she should hold you accountable. Love will often blind our eyes but better a broken courtship than a bad marriage...
Next, you should have the talk with your partner. A few things are important to note here...
1. The talk should happen in peace time. Not during or immediately after a fight, rather when you guys are actually getting along and having fun.
2. You should make your partner realize unmistakably that the matter you are about to bring up is of utmost importance and that he/she would treat it with such seriousness if he/she wants you guys to have the possibility of a life together.
3. You love him/her and are doing this because you believe in the relationship, however, if things do not change, you would have no choice but to leave.
4. Talk gently about the problem giving examples. Also, talk about why you have had to resort to this (i am sure you must have tried to talk to the person many times in the past) Also inform him/her of the objective assessment that you would undertake in deciding whether to break up or not. This will give him/her a guideline or target to aspire to.
5. You must keep your calm, regardless...
6. Do not succumb to blackmail or cheap promises, rather insist on a thoughtful and planned out anger management process.
You should find a way to objectively assess progress. Praise the efforts and progress made but be patient with the failures.
You should research anger management techniques and discuss these with your partner. These include taking a walk, counting to 10 before reacting, and my personal favorite, venting on paper before talking nonsense. If possible and available, he/she can talk to a professional anger management therapist (yes they exist).
Remember, objective assessment and decisions may save you from a bad marriage, but if you throw in some love and patience, you may just end up with the relationship of your dreams...
I apologized, she forgave me. I resolved in my heart and told her about it, that I could and would be a better man. I am working on it and by Gods grace, I will soon add anger to the list of things i have conquered.
I am imperfect...but I am chasing perfection.