Love and Submission – Part 1

There are several texts in the bible where we are commanded to “love one another” and “submit to one another.” These commandments are also applicable in marriage. The man should love his wife and the woman should love her husband. The man should submit to his wife and the woman should submit to her husband, on a general level.

However, in the specific context of marriage, and this is where a lot of people get uncomfortable, another level of command is given:

Wives, submit to your own husbands – Ephes 5:22

Husbands, love your wives – Ephes 5:25

Two questions come to mind in those passages:

1. Why is “submit” used for wives and “love” used for husbands?
2. Is one a condition for fulfilling the other?

For the first question, it is with regard to roles of the parties involved. Like every organization, there cannot be two heads and members of an organization submit to the head of the organization. They don’t have to love him/her but they have to submit.

But while in all other institutions the head can be a man or a woman, in marriage, only a particular gender should be the head – the man. It is a God-given role. Hence, the woman is commanded to submit. Just as you may not like your boss but to remain in the organization, you have to submit.

The boss, on the other hand, in his/her capacity as the boss, does not have to submit to anyone in the organization but he/she can take advice from direct reports and heed their advice but when he/she chooses to disregard the advice given, whatever he/she chooses to do is what gets done, even if that decision will not favour the organization.

In marriage, the man is the head. Not the woman. His decisions are final. He may take counsel from the wife and abide by it but if he chooses to go contrary to her counsel, his decision stands, even if that decision will hurt the marriage. The more reason the decision of whom to marry should not be taken lightly.

For the second question, "Is one a condition for fulfilling the other?" The two commands are not connected as can be seen from the passage. None is a condition to fulfilling the other. Each stands alone. The bible did not say, “Wives submit to your husbands if your husbands love you.” It simply said, “Wives, submit to your own husbands.” Period. No conditions attached.

In the same vein, it did not say, “Husbands, love your wives if your wives submit to you.” It simply said, “Husbands, love your wives.” Period. No conditions attached.

Using one as a condition to fulfilling the other is actually a big mistake many couples make.

“Why should I love her when she does not respect or submit to me?” the man asks.

“Why should I submit to him when he does not love me?” the woman asks.

That is how the cycle continues until they appear in the divorce court.

The reason one is not a condition to fulfilling the other is because marriage is not a place to earn love or submission. The two have become one, remember? Do you earn your own love? Do you earn your own submission? No.

The day you married her, she earned your love. It has nothing to do with whether she submits or not. You are under obligation to love her whether you feel like it or not. You are commanded to love her.

The day you married him, he earned your submission. It has nothing to do with whether he shows you love or not. You are under obligation to submit to him whether you feel like it or not. You are commanded to submit to him.

Why is that so? Because you made the decision to marry him/her. If he was not worthy of your submission you should not have married him in the first place. If she was not worthy of your love you should not have married her in the first place.

But we are humans. We naturally want people to earn what we give to them to show that they are worthy of it. So we take that programming with us into marriage. Unfortunately, that programming creates problems in marriage.

How then do we fix this? Before marriage. Many of us are blinded by emotions during the relationship before marriage. But that is the time to ask the questions. “Can I submit to this man for the rest of my life even in times when I don’t feel like it?” “Can I love this woman for the rest of my life, even in times when I don’t feel like it?”

In marriage, love and submission are not born out of emotions. They are not things you do because of something your spouse has done. They are not rewards for good things done. They are acts of the will. They are like paying your child’s school fees. You don’t pay those fees because you feel like paying them, do you?

If you take a holistic view at all I have been saying you will find personal leadership at play. Instead of reacting to the situation you respond in a manner that will enhance the relationship.

Only a few men will not love their wives when she submits to the husband irrespective of the husband's unloving attitude and only a few women will not submit to their husbands when he continues to love the wife irrespective of the wife's unsubmissiveness. That is personal leadership.

Have I added any value to you today? I will be delighted to read your comments and contributions and also answer your questions If you have any.

For the Part 2 and more of my articles visit my Facebook page www.facebook.com/schoolforpersonalleadership

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Thank you.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe
Facilitator, School for Personal Leadership.