My original decision to not have kids was a natural one. Never one to fit into the box designed for me, here I was not fitting in again. As if I needed another reason to disappoint my poor mother.
As a young woman, I watched my girlfriend’s closely. I watched how they ‘ooohhheedd’ & ‘aahhheed’ at any baby in the vicinity. They wanted to reach out their hands & touch the baby; tug at his cheeks, rock him to sleep. All the while trading admiring glances with the baby’s proud mother and dreaming of the moment they would get to have their very own bundle of joy.
And then there was me. Just standing there like a limp fish, Staring coldly, admiring from a distance. Not daring to touch & dreading the one moment I would be asked by the mother, to assist her in carrying her child.

And as you can imagine, my decision was not a popular one. Born & brought up in a society where having kids is the next logical move after being married or not married (#TeamBabymama).
I am a smart, beautiful, almost successful; tax paying, upright Nigerian Woman. But all of that is forgotten the moment I say I do not want kids.
My decision to not procreate, became a source of worry for my family members. With majority of them ‘choosing’ to buy the matter, while the others convinced me that my maternal instincts would kick in immediately I gave birth.
:0 So what if I have my child and the maternal instincts still don’t kick in? Is it a toy that I can return?
I was sure that like many other girls from my side of the country, my fate was sealed.
School - Graduation - NYSC/Find a husband- get married and begin procreation 9 months from the night of the wedding.

And then settle into the life of the dutiful Igbo wife. Breastfeeding baby, Making Oha Soup, Making Egusi, Abacha, Jollof rice on Sundays.
Plus conjugal duties, plus that miserable civil service job you had to take, so that you could be able to pick up the kids & spend time with them, since Oga closes work at 8pm.
There is absolutely wrong with that life, I just vehemently refused to let it become by reality. I wanted more.
My first major act of rebellion was my decision not to have children. For me, it was natural. As I got older, I realized that my maternal instincts were never going to kick in, because they were never there to start with.
The day I let it slip from my lips, during an afternoon of drinks with my girlfriends, you needed to have seen the way they looked at me. In that moment, I might as well have been Adolf Hitler or Osama Bin Laden.
How dare I decide I don’t want what thousands are begging God for daily? How dare I defy God, when he commanded that we be fruitful and multiply?
These are some of the questions I was confronted with.
I learned that it is easier to lie to the world, including yourself, rather than face the unpopular truth.
Maybe it is my societal or religious duty to procreate, I get that. But I'm not sure if I want to have kids. Slaughter me!

You can imagine how unpopular my view is, in a climate such as Nigeria, where being pregnant is the equivalent of getting a degree from Oxbridge.
You are announced, celebrated, congratulated. Your parents are proud and of course your spouse is beyond elated. He is truly a man.
But what about you?
Are you truly happy or are you simply reflecting what society has demanded that you feel?


21st century mommies, the Instagram mommies, the super mommies; have made child bearing & Child rearing, Glam!
Photos upon photos of perfectly orchestrated 1st birthdays, 1st steps, adorable smiles, taking baby to swimming lessons and French school, while still looking on fleek and maintaining a top notch career.
Then there’s the social media frenzy, known as #TeamSnapBack� What post baby weight? The silent struggle to be the thinnest possible version of yourself, as quickly as possible after childbirth.

In my humble opinion, Babies are cute when they are someone else's, only.
You spend a fuss free hour with them, and gaze and aww at their curly hair and tender skin. Pick up your bag and head to your baby free apartment. The End.

What happens to the woman who is stuck with the baby 24/7?
The woman who is the poster child for sleep deprivation? Constantly bathing and feeding. Constantly trying to figure out why baby is crying. Dirty diapers, spit up, child care etc.

Forget Hollywood; but the price your body pays for having a child, physically and psychologically is unbelievable. Despite all the body magic and hours in the gym, does any one actually get their pre-baby back 100%?
Puberty has left me with enough stretch marks; Thank you very much. Who needs more?
Call me vain, but these things matter to me at least.
Let us not even talk about 'downstairs'. Does it ever stay the same?

What is the effect on your relationship with Oga; the one with whom you started?
Does your love and attention move from him to the baby?
What happens to your chemistry?
Does it get stronger or is it a constant race to get away from the house & away from baby's screams?
What about the physical? Does that fly out the window? Since you have made the transition from gorgeous girlfriend & wife to Mama Bomboy.

What about the physical act of child birth. For some it is 'miraculous'; for some it is 'quick' and virtually painless (as if); but what happens to the other 50% who don't have a ball, for whom is a struggle between life and death. But are expected to make at least 3 more trips to the labour room.
And who even talks about Post Partum depression? It is very much real.
Questions to which I have received, frankly unsatisfactory answers.

It is a constant game of giving and giving and giving.

Then they attain the age of walking a.k.a the age of breaking shit. Oh, then there's tuition. It goes up with every year and every new class.
Is the price really worth it in the end? Is everybody meant to be a mother?
I Like peace, quiet, tranquility, order, glass, a good night's sleep, a healthy bank account, a great body (without living in the gym) all of which I don't see happening for me in baby-ville.
I do love kids, ironically. I can actually stand them, for about 3 hours max. Until they get restless and get into tantrum throwing mode. And I just want to drop them back into their mother’s waiting arms.

I have made peace with my reality. The potential emptiness of living alone with my partner, till death do us part. The echo of our laughter, as it slithers through our half empty house. The struggle of even finding a partner in this part of the world who shares my view & will be willing to commit to it long term.

For the mothers who love motherhood, who revel in it, like my mother & many other mothers I know, I salute you. Your work is not easy. You are a superstar. You are extraordinary.
I am glad my mother chose to be a mother.
As for the rest of us who refuse to bow to societal pressure, please let us be. If we have made peace with our choice and our reality, the rest of the world needs to make peace with it too. Doting mothers, doting aunties, nosy relatives, nosy friends; yes you; make peace with it.
Stop trying to convince us that our maternal instincts will kick in once the baby is here. What if it doesn't kick in? Then what?
Is it a toy that you can return?
There are so many beautiful children in this world already, whom I can shower with love & affection. Do I really need to have any of my own?

https://thesmartsinglenigerianwoman./

My dear, you are not horrible for not wanting to have kids, you are just selfish. You don't want any form change DAT comes with discomfort
If u r planing to be married, make sure you marry someone that agrees with your decision, if u don't want unnecessary wahala

Personally don't see anything wrong with not wanting children

Most important thing is to be open with your partners about it from the beginning

ibkayee:
Personally don't see anything wrong with not wanting children

Most important thing is to be open with your partners about it from the beginning

The second picture, you see that baby shoe?
Naija mums and buying oversize for their kids...

Your closing remark is very important.

pocohantas:


The second picture, you see that baby shoe?
Naija mums and buying oversize for their kids...

Your closing remark is very important.

Lmao that shoe will last at least 10 more years

Lol yeah no surprises

pocohantas:


The second picture, you see that baby shoe?
Naija mums and buying oversize for their kids...

Your closing remark is very important.

Just noticing it too. It must last till next Christmas.

interesting write up

lol....it's her business though, no one is forcing you not to have kids.... all you need to do is look for someone having the same direction you have, that's all

don't degrade mothers because you aren't one, you came outta one too

makydebbie:
Just noticing it too. It must last till next Christmas.

Next Christmas? Babe look that shoe again o.

ibkayee:

Lmao that shoe will last at least 10 more years

Lol yeah no surprises

Naija mums are very wonderful. They be like "you'll grow into it".

It's ok to not wanting to have kids. It's your choice but honestly her reasons are extremely shallow

Your life your choice.

We all have to live with the consequences of our decisions.

It's really nobody's business if you decide not to marry, or have children. Provided your partner is fine with it, you're good to go.

pocohantas:


Next Christmas? Babe look that shoe again o.


Naija mums are very wonderful. They be like "you'll grow into it".

Next decade.

I LOVE ur dp.

pocohantas:

The second picture, you see that baby shoe? Naija mums and buying oversize for their kids...
Your closing remark is very important.

Sorry to say you sound selfish.

dear, you don't want kids.. okay. I'm awed at your write up. It looks feminist but seems to come more from a personal decision.

don't get this wrong but, maybe you're trying to send a message, that women aren't supposed to behave how everyone wants them to

except this is at your own expense somehow. Kids are awesome and I respect your decision to not have kids. Better not to bring em to this world if you won't treat em with that nigh love.

But keep going, life has a way of unveiling things in different ways, you might change your mind

How you decide to live your life is your business and your choice...

You do not owe anybody an explanation!

I think it's great that you decide not to have kids, and I totally get it. You may probably be feminist, or at least you sound like one, so it's understandable.
However, I think the main issue is that you think having kids means a loss of youth to you. It also comes with responsibilities that you're not ready to handle.
I think if you fell in love with a guy who you truly adored, one who loved you back, you'd want to have a child...
Good luck!