My counsel is this:

First I am happily married to a woman about the same age difference you are talking about for seven years now.
Although she did not lie to me at first, I was almost discouraged when she told me. I think the most important thing is the will of God for you and if your love for her can endure the test of time.

Thank God she has told you already, your love should not be based on the externalities because these may be deceptive than for younger women, but on her inner character. I think the issue of the lie is a small matter because from what you are saying, that would have put you off a long time ago.

You have to accept the fact and keep it b/w yourselves (not a matter for family discussion). If she is Godfearing you will find her to be the best woman for you. Like I use to tell my wife, I will marry her all over again if we were to begin again. And most importantly be prayerful about this marriage decision.

Regards

The fact that she's older is not really my problem. . ._{Truth be told, i don't even consider it an issue}

The long deceit too i can also take. . , BUT, she giving me A WEEK to decide. . . .huh? ? ?. . .You say you love me/ you want to marry me/ I SHOULD DECIDE in 7 DAYS IF I'm OK BY THIS NEW REVELATION or NOT. . .

For me, she crossed the line with the untimatum. . .I wouldn't take her back. . .I'm sorry_{My two cents}

Maybe she was also scared that you would leave her if you got to know that she was older than you.

LMAO so he lied about his age too?

So why the complaint? Arent you both liars then? You lied for two months, she lied for years, same damn difference!

What on earth was this thread about?

AqRiUs Age:

LMAO so he lied about his age too?

So why the complaint? Arent you both liars then? You lied for two months, she lied for years,  same damn difference!

What on earth was this thread about?

@AgRiUs. This thread is about deception for years and how to deal with it. Fear of facing more lies, since a lie can be told and held onto for 6 years. Yes, i did lie but cleared it up before the relationship barely became emotional

selena:



Maybe she was also scared that you would leave her if you got to know that she was older than you.

.

I guess so too. But why wait that long when i will eventually know if we get married.

Nautillus:

The fact that she's older is not really my problem. . ._{Truth be told, i don't even consider it an issue}

The long deceit too i can also take. . , BUT, she giving me A WEEK to decide. . . .huh? ? ?. . .You say you love me/ you want to marry me/ I SHOULD DECIDE in 7 DAYS IF I'm OK BY THIS NEW REVELATION or NOT. . .

For me, she crossed the line with the untimatum. . .I wouldn't take her back. . .I'm sorry_{My two cents}

@Nautillus. Thanks man. She actually didn't give me an ULTIMATUM. She just asked if i was still comfortable with her, knowing the age difference now. I told her that i didn't have a problem with the age difference but the lie. She then adviced that i shouldn't rush into accepting the age difference, that i should do alot of thinking to know if i can deal with the age difference because she fears that i can use that to create problems for us. That i should be sure i can deal with the age difference even in the future.

@olaye
Many Thanks for your counsel. I pray God helps me to take the best decision. Thanks alot all for your comments too. Really helpful.

BettyBlue:

@AgRiUs. This thread is about deception for years and how to deal with it. Fear of facing more lies, since a lie can be told and held onto for 6 years. Yes, i did lie but cleared it up before the relationship barely became emotional
.

Just reread my post. Sorry for being so blunt, my mood has been extremely foul all week. Yeah, I get it though but you should be able to understand it, right? To you, it may make a difference, but to some others, a lie (regardless of the length of time it was told for) is a lie.

Anyway, good luck.

Guy i must tell you that during the early stage of relationships some stuffs remains in our closets,as we relaxes in the relationship things naturally unfolds depending on how transparent and cordial the relationship is growing,maybe that was what happened and when she sensed you might not marry her if you know her age she continued to hide it.that might be the only secret she has beside a 6years old relationship is tooooooo precious to be toss away (because of a harmless lie),, meanwhile are you sure of whereelse you will find your self??


We all ve dirty little secrets,some are harmful some are not.

@Poster,

I want to also add that 6 years is quite a long time in one's life history ( my boy is 6 yrs and in Pry 1).
During this time, you will have come to a level of understanding one another (L+6).
And in marriage, this basic understanding matters a lot.
If you call it quits, you will have to wait for L+6+6 years to get that same understanding in another lady.
Then you will not be as young as your initial claim that made you younger than her - Just for your consideration.

Many of the things that keep marriage alive are the golden years of courtship - these you have now!
Do you honestly unconditionally love the lady enough to live with her as wife for the next ten years (that will be a total of 16 years together)?

If yes, then go for it!

Olaye

mama-gee:

I thought you were married?

I am married, yes. Married people can still contribute to topics like these - the question the OP has asked here is a hypothetical one, so responses will be hypothetical too. Are we clear on this now?

@poster

sorry to hear that but as one of the guys said on here, jer giving you an ultimatum of 7days to make up your mind is very wrong and she currently isnt in a position to be making demans. i feel you jare my guys 6yrs is a megarly long time to hide someting like this but also i understand your troubles as you are now uncovering more lies.

do you love her ?
will you believe everything she continues to say to u again ?
will you now start looking for lies in all she has told you during the 6yrs course of the relationship ?

these questions are vital because right now, you will start looking for lies in all she has been saying, and believeing her now will be more difficult. i am talking fro a friends experience

found out that the girl has lied to him a few times but till today unknowing to the girl, she doesnt know that the guy knows all about her lies. and the guy also hasnt mentioned anything to the girl at all. there are still togethr but anything the girls says my guy no even send again, if she like let her lie, na herself she dey do no be mu guy.

i c no big deal in it, its reali no biggie

@ Olaye, Thank you so much. I really appreciate your advice. Good to get such an idea from a married fellow with lots of experience. Yes, we have been through so much over the years and the courtship has been great. The thought of doing a relationship with another woman all over again is worrying. Who knows if the new lady i might meet may be worse. Yes i love her well enough and wouldn't mind living with her even more than 10 years. I just worry not to find anymore lies.

We spoke lately and now she is worried that i am scrutinizing her entire life and questioning all the things she told me from the onset. Am i to be blamed for that? I have asked her to tell me if there are anymore lies that are important enough for me to know, but she says NO. Its a tough call. A part of me wants to move on with her, but all ya comments have been helpful. Am taking my time on deciding because i will have to live with me decisions as i am not an advocate of failed marriages or divorces.

@ All, thanks and keep your comments coming. Will let you all know when i get decided in a couple of days.

axeman85:

@poster

sorry to hear that but as one of the guys said on here, jer giving you an ultimatum of 7days to make up your mind is very wrong and she currently isnt in a position to be making demans. i feel you jare my guys 6yrs is a megarly long time to hide someting like this but also i understand your troubles as you are now uncovering more lies.

do you love her ?
will you believe everything she continues to say to u again ?
will you now start looking for lies in all she has told you during the 6yrs course of the relationship ?

these questions are vital because right now, you will start looking for lies in all she has been saying, and believeing her now will be more difficult. i am talking fro a friends experience

found out that the girl has lied to him a few times but till today unknowing to the girl, she doesnt know that the guy knows all about her lies. and the guy also hasnt mentioned anything to the girl at all. there are still togethr but anything the girls says my guy no even send again, if she like let her lie, na herself she dey do no be mu guy.

@axeman85

As regards your questions above
1. Yes i love her and alot
2. I will have serious problems with believing everything she tells me and thats my worry. The trust is no more there. I will have to start all over again, i guess.
3. Sure i have been scrutinizing all she has been telling me and i fear its not good, but i don't have a choice and can't help it.

Thanks man for your comment. E no easy. Women and their wahala. And we need them because they complement us as men.

BettyBlue:

@axeman85

As regards your questions above
1. Yes i love her and alot
2. I will have serious problems with believing everything she tells me and thats my worry. The trust is no more there. I will have to start all over again, i guess.
3. Sure i have been scrutinizing all she has been telling me and i fear its not good, but i don't have a choice and can't help it.

Thanks man for your comment. E no easy. Women and their wahala. And we need them because they complement us as men.

BettyBlue, it's only natural and I can't fault u for it. In fact I'll be shocked if you didn't. The good thing here is that you said you still love her so there's hope. BUT (and this is a big "BUT", don't rush into anything yet. You're obviously in shock so don't let anyone pressure u into making any important decisions now. If you're not at peace with yourself, there's no way you can move on. Unfortunately, when one's trust is broken it's hard to recover. She'll have to earn your trust back. Take your time. Pray about it. Be open to forgive and hear her out. See how it goes from there. Good Luck

@kech, many thanks for your kind advice. Will do exactly as u suggested. Take my time!

I just happened to read this thread and am posting my similar problem here to know what you think. I am quite agitated even while I type this.
I am 31 yrs old and have been going out with my boyfriend who told me he is 45 when I met him last year. My family is totally against my marrying him and dont even know that I am with him any more. So this decision is that much more difficult for me as my parents and siblings will not help me make an unbiased decision. I am completely on my own.

I recently found out from his passport that he is 50. When I confronted him he said he was an early learner and so "to help me move up to higher classes quickly , my birth certificate was rigged up to reflect me 5 years older". I can believe the "fast -move -up- in-school " story as he is very brilliant and highly accomplished man and it is a common the country he comes from, I grew up there too, He is an over achiever, doctorate from a top Ivy league school and well settled. I myself am an MBA from a #1 IVY league school ; not an age where I can excuse myself for naivete, But to believe that a passport DOB was changed by 5 years is hard to believe, He says that is what his parents have told him all along and does not think they would lie to him in anyway, Ever since I have voiced my age gap concerns he frequently talks about how age takes away 10 years from one' biological age. He exercises and maintains a healthy lifestyle

I feel stupid that despite my education and background I may have been gullible in falling for a fallacious story. I have no way of knowing. His age in different dating and matrimonial websites were different. Many did show the DOB he claims and some of these ads were put up in the 1990s. None show his DOB as in the passport. Even with him being 45 I have a 13 year age gap with him. If he turns out to be any older , I cannot tell you how worrisome that gap can be to me in addition to the devastating knowledge that he lied to get me.
To give him credit he is a great guy and takes care of me really well. He is very respectful of me and willing to help me sort this issue out with my family and get their approval for the wedding. I have literally been living with him for the past 6 months and have no reason to complain. He is making major changes to his lifestyle and everything revolves around my convenience. He has introduced me to his family and to his frail old parents (on phone). I feel awful doubting him at this point. Either he has completely misled me all along or I am being a dunce in suspecting him,

In terms of education and compatibility we have similar views and are well matched. Economically there is a huge gap, I come from a middle class but highly educated background (all my siblings went to a #1 or #2 Ivy league grad schools); he from a wealthy and also well educated family and has earned millions, This makes my family think he is just running after my youth and the fact that I will be a committed mother to his children, That there is nothing in this marriage to my advantage except money (wealth is not on my list of attractions in men, and they feel I will be disillusioned soon, ), It is quite humiliating to think that he may have lied to me just to make sure he gets to marry me,

My parents' concerns has me really wondering if we are unevenly matched, I know that as the one who brings in more money into the marriage he will call the shots on major decisions. And i do not know how this will affect me. , I intend to have a career and will not be dependent on him entirely but I do not know how that helps with the other doubts I have been having. Personally I think he is a wonderful man and I have no cause for complaints. But if he lied to get me that would leave me feeling hurt the rest of my life. ,

This is my first ever relationship in my 30 years and I feel bad about how it is going. I was virgin when I met him and unless I was sure this was the man for me I would never have gotten physically intimate with him, I feel almost as if I was cheated out of a right to a decent relationship, just to get me into bed. Almost as though my feelings do not count and this is all about numbers, I cannot get myself to hop from one man to another looking for a reliable partner. This whole thing has affected me so much that I am unable to operate normally even in my day to day activities,


Any advice from a professional counsellor or mature folks would help,
A worried woman.

@ Ivy Nut,

I understand how you feel about your situation. I have experienced same too and i am still dealing with it and trying to get over it. It takes a lot of maturity and trust to deal with issues like this. Believe me, LIES in relationships are terrible and affects other aspects of a relationship, especially if those lies are kept hidden for a long time.

From what you have mentioned. I understand that your partner respects you a lot and is very good to you. You guys are compatible and have some things in common. The fact about life is that no one is perfect. What i believe a woman should be most concerned about in relationships, is a man who respects and adores her and who can go the limit for you. A man that does not cheat, who confides in you and makes you happy.

Forget about what you family thinks, because its your life and you will have to live with whatever decision you take. You do not have to take decisions on someone you will spend the rest of your life with just to satisfy your family. Okay, lets think about a situation this way, what happens if you leave your current partner just to please your family and the next person you meet and gets married to becomes someone that is worse and abuses you. You finally end up with a divorce and am sure your family may not be totally there for you at that moment. Follow your heart and if you believe in your religion, pray about it.

FACTS you should consider and accept that even if your partner is 50 yrs old. It ain't that bad. Men don't age faster as women do. You guys can still make babies even till he gets to his late 60's. Yeah i understand that the problem is the lie told and the deception you feel. One way to find out about this is to do your little home work and some digging to ascertain if there are other lies. Ask him to come out clean before you start your digging and never let him know what you are about doing. If you end up finding other lies, then you should be worried about a situation whereby he might have been married before with KIDS somewhere. This should be your most concern at this time.

If he has never been married before, you find no more lies and can forgive him for not explaining the facts surrounding his age, then i think you should have a go with him. Follow your heart. You have already sacrificed a lot and if you think you will be happy with him,then go girl.

I am still with my girlfriend while i am still doing some digging to know if there are other lies, before i will finally take a decision on settling down with her. Sure i know i will have a hard time with getting my family to accept her, but i care less. Its my life and i should know what is best for me. I have seen marriages that failed within 1 year. These things happen as a result of poor courtship, no good intentions, poor understanding etc.

Its tough believe me. But we can't remain single, can we

Thanks! That makes sense. It helps to know that somebody out there does not consider this bizarre :-) When I first suspected he was not being truthful , I did consider doing some "digging". But I have no way of knowing anything apart from what I find on the internet where it does say he is single. (This is where my folks could have helped, but obviously I cant ask them at this point). I feel I cannot confide in them my own fears.

The funny thing is he comes from a well connected and well known family (in my home country) It will be hard to get an unbiased opinion or simply ask around without being manipulative. I am really not comfortable doing such things surreptitiously, He works with well known people in business who all respect him. I did figure he has had no prior marriage or kids. But he's been a globe-trotter and may very well have a woman in each country for all I know , , but given how family oriented he is I am guessing its hard to hide that side of one's persona for too long ,

He is very enthusiastic about starting a family with me and has been very supportive of my decision to have kids. I am hoping and praying that life will turn out ok and not spring any such surprises on me at a later point. , I have been through devastating experiences both professionally and personally in the past few years. I waited very long and patiently, to settle down in marriage and have put in my best into this relationship. After all this, I hope and pray that life will not be so unkind to me with the most important decision of my life. That will be like flogging a dead horse, , :-)


Wish you good luck with your decision I hope things turn out well for you.

bro can feel ur pain.but u overlooked one very important thing.if she lied bout d age tn for lik say six months then came clean,i wuld v deemd it a no issue.but for gud six yrs n @ dt u had 2 still stumble on it after u proposed to her.means u would not known had u not found out.even afta six yrs of datn n she told u afta proposin no big deal.but u still had to find out 4 urslf n she even denied before comn "clean".

bro a marriage built on lies is sure to crumbl.tnk God its 6yrs if datn n not marriage.u got to move on.besides if she culd lie bout somtn as trivial as age,i wonda wht other surprises she got in store 4 u.

I keep thinking "motive". Why would someone lie about their age for so long? Might have been fear of loosing you, I would think so.

from what i've read abnut the gurl she's not only a liar but a sttuborn goat. she's not ready to admit to her mistake n say im sorry. she's always lookin to justify her mistakes. thats not someone that can learn anything. guy run abeg.

Ta leave dat thing. after she had lied 2 me no way. if i got 2 know on my own ,no problemo with cash and the koko steadly no wahala.

Re: 10 Years LATER - Follow up story on thread: Would you marry an older lady who initially lied about her age?

For all old and newbies Nairaland members.....this is a follow up thread from a topic Nine (9) years ago....