Get money! She will become nice.

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

Cut my losses and WALKED AWAY!

Now that you've beaten her did it solve the problem? NO!

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

Giving the danger lights she's shown prior to the wedding,i wouldn't have married her in the first place

selflessmaya:

Are you a shrink? Just curious.

[quote author=selflessmaya post=61

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.
i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP[/size][/quote]
Can't believe I read thru such a long read, but it was worth it, are u a psychologist?
Op plz listen to this advice, but if she's proving stubborn abeg run 4 ur life!

Divorce her so that u can live long.

This is similar to what happened in a book called ''Big Little Lies''

The man eventually died.

selflessmaya:


when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.

when you're ready to make the move, try pulling it out of her, on top of your new sweetness, be extra extra sweet to her for the whole week like her sh!t dont stink, on a friday(so if she spills, you'll both have the weekend to grieve), make sure she's in a nice awww darling mood and when you're holding her, just brush by a conversation u heard at the office that made u really sick "about a dude that assaulted some teenage girl and how mad it makes you that men like that are still walking around breathing and if they ever dared it with someone u care about, u'll deal with them and how no matter what she was wearing or where she was, no one has the right on another person's body without consent and the worst part is there are girls out there who have experienced this and told no one and the animal didnt get caught"
stay on the topic of sexual assault and follow body language, dont change the topic, be gentle, when she cracks, try to get her to talk, say what u have to "she can tell u anything, u wont judge, u love her from here to japan, if it affects her it affects you, u are both one and she can confide in u etc" when she talks, encourage her to keep talking, show that you're listening, console her all you can, cry with her even if u have to force the tears though i doubt you'll have to force them, make her see that whatever sunken place she's in, you've somehow gotten there too but dont cry more than her haba. tell her that both of u will go for counselling together, find a good therapist and go with her till she makes progress to go alone. make sure u find a therapist before u try to get her to talk about this and once she talks, the upcoming monday, begin therapy. and dont expect to work this out in 2 days, give yourself time like 4-6wks to build the emotional environment of trust and zero judgement to be able to access her when the time comes. note: she has to open up to you before you can go for therapy.

-u can expect her to go into depression for a while, she might need anti-depressants, sleeping pills too, she will be dealing with a lot of emotion once she finally lets someone in.
-NEVER EVER make a joke about her incident or say something mean to her about it... NEVER EVER!!! NEVER EVER!!! I MEAN IT OP.
-if u want to divorce her and not work through this, which is honestly the easy way out for you, then pls dont bring up anything i just told u here, dont taunt her over this, dont ask her about abuse or anything, just let the marriage end and pretend u didnt even read this. she will still live with herself so she has it heavy already.

i really do sympathize with you, u have found yourself in a very unfortunate position and no decision u make will be easy. sadly enough, i feel sorry for your wife too, she's really lived her hell and she's putting you through it. both of u dont deserve this. i also applaud you for all the grace you've shown, it's very hard to break the cycle of abuse, abused ppl mostly pass it on to others, maybe not in the form they received it but they leave their mark, so i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP

I love ur comment sir...

armyofone:
Op,
You made a mistake beating her up. Break that cycle of domestic violence because it goes in cycle. The best thing is to end the union especially since you guys have no children.

He did not "BEAT HER UP"!

How does TWO SLAPS constitute beating someone Up, especially someoen who has inflicted untold violence on you?

You people and use of words, sef.

lovelygurl:
I can't believe you are asking us for advice!!!

"Please people, my aggressive wife beats me, might even kill me one day, what should I do?"

Duuuuude! Ruuuuuuun!!!!

Do you want to wait till she gets pregnant and you have to deal with her for the rest of your life?

Better divorce sharp sharp before we read about your story on Nairaland "Aggressive woman beats husband to death"

hahahaha!sweet advice from a sweet bae!

lovelygurl:
I can't believe you are asking us for advice!!!

"Please people, my aggressive wife beats me, might even kill me one day, what should I do?"

Duuuuude! Ruuuuuuun!!!!

Do you want to wait till she gets pregnant and you have to deal with her for the rest of your life?

Better divorce sharp sharp before we read about your story on Nairaland "Aggressive woman beats husband to death"

Gone too soon you mean ��

[color=#990000][/color]

very funny

Dude, you've got a very troubled lady in your hands. The question is, are you ready to face the challenges of helping her back to sanity? I can tell you, it's going to cost much. Alot of sacrifice. I hope your life isn't part of it though. It's a long way to recovery for her.

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

Is this your story for humour or you're trying to make us believe someone can pretend for 6 years just to marry you just to jeopardize it in 2 months despite you not been so rich?

mofedamijo:


Where was the MAOA-A2 when they dated for 2years,and friends 4 6yrs, where was it when she was been gentle and smiling to all family memebers,my dear that lady is on a mission........

I have read what @SelflessMaya and the other person wrote.
@SelflessMaya puts all the blame on a "possible", previous sexual assault while ..... puts it on MAOA-A2.

Now, according to @SelflessMaya, the woman was sexualy assaulted and that is why she is behaving like this!

This woman is violent, just as millions of women and men are violent.

But the difference l see here and everywhere is that WE (Men and some Women) ALWAYS makes EXCUSES for the Violence of Women, while we don make the same Excuses, when it is MEN that are involved in such violence!

I never hear people talking about BOYS who were raped when they were young, by their Sisters, Aunty-next-door, House-helps, Teachers, Coaches, e.t.c.
The trauma these MALE victims undergo and how it affects that eventually behaviour in future and life in general, is NEVER used as a mitigating factor when they commit violent crimes but it is easily and quickly drawn-up and acknoowledged, when the victim is a FEMALE!
The Male is just condemned as a Beast, thats all.

All intervention programs on sexual assault, poverty, domestic violence, e.t.c are AlWAYS focused on the FEMALE GENDER (Girls and WOMEN) but you wont hear a single one focused on MEN or BOYS

Is it that the world, including Men, are living in denial that the male specie also suffer from such and/or such violence is inflcited on them as well, by the female specie?

Tht this double-standard also reflects in our Justice system, is worrying to me and should be, to every Male that can see the Big Picture. :-

I saw she carried knife and fork, then bit your finger, that it nearly fell off. I sincerely hope you have sent her packing, there is no child yet, send her packing, the two of you are not meant for each other, that is the bitter truth.

Most women these days exhibit this trait especially those those that have the issue of genders equality got into their heads. Also, these church wise girls and women of penterascsl denominations.



Wait o, before you attack me, I am s Pentecostal myself but writing out of experience both mine and others over years.
I discover that some of pastors that preach, teach and wrote beautiful things about marriage are having issues of domestic violence themselves.

selflessmaya:


when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.

when you're ready to make the move, try pulling it out of her, on top of your new sweetness, be extra extra sweet to her for the whole week like her sh!t dont stink, on a friday(so if she spills, you'll both have the weekend to grieve), make sure she's in a nice awww darling mood and when you're holding her, just brush by a conversation u heard at the office that made u really sick "about a dude that assaulted some teenage girl and how mad it makes you that men like that are still walking around breathing and if they ever dared it with someone u care about, u'll deal with them and how no matter what she was wearing or where she was, no one has the right on another person's body without consent and the worst part is there are girls out there who have experienced this and told no one and the animal didnt get caught"
stay on the topic of sexual assault and follow body language, dont change the topic, be gentle, when she cracks, try to get her to talk, say what u have to "she can tell u anything, u wont judge, u love her from here to japan, if it affects her it affects you, u are both one and she can confide in u etc" when she talks, encourage her to keep talking, show that you're listening, console her all you can, cry with her even if u have to force the tears though i doubt you'll have to force them, make her see that whatever sunken place she's in, you've somehow gotten there too but dont cry more than her haba. tell her that both of u will go for counselling together, find a good therapist and go with her till she makes progress to go alone. make sure u find a therapist before u try to get her to talk about this and once she talks, the upcoming monday, begin therapy. and dont expect to work this out in 2 days, give yourself time like 4-6wks to build the emotional environment of trust and zero judgement to be able to access her when the time comes. note: she has to open up to you before you can go for therapy.

-u can expect her to go into depression for a while, she might need anti-depressants, sleeping pills too, she will be dealing with a lot of emotion once she finally lets someone in.
-NEVER EVER make a joke about her incident or say something mean to her about it... NEVER EVER!!! NEVER EVER!!! I MEAN IT OP.
-if u want to divorce her and not work through this, which is honestly the easy way out for you, then pls dont bring up anything i just told u here, dont taunt her over this, dont ask her about abuse or anything, just let the marriage end and pretend u didnt even read this. she will still live with herself so she has it heavy already.

i really do sympathize with you, u have found yourself in a very unfortunate position and no decision u make will be easy. sadly enough, i feel sorry for your wife too, she's really lived her hell and she's putting you through it. both of u dont deserve this. i also applaud you for all the grace you've shown, it's very hard to break the cycle of abuse, abused ppl mostly pass it on to others, maybe not in the form they received it but they leave their mark, so i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP

hmmmm... weda na babe ooo or na man u be.
all i know is dat i comot cap for u.
honestly u made my day. it was insightful ur wards was wonderful n i really thank God for ur knoledge.

Mumu...sometimes I beat my wife just to let her know there is power mighty in my slap...you come dey there woman dey use you play ball shame no even catch you to report yaself for nairaland smh the pussifaction is real

YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

That's what I was thought. And I think it's a good.lesson

anishoff:
Do not beat her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sit her down and talk to her about the issue intensively and also go for series of counselling and finally pray about d issue fervently and i can assure u the problem will stop because there is nothing God cannot do.
I pray for God to give u the grace to hold and control urself completely.
It is well

well don sir...I hear say na ya house mumu dey live...well don..carry on

dingbang:
Cheiiiiiiii... If na me.... Oh my gosh... If na me... Hmmmm

wetin wan happen

wow

Possessed woman, push her out before she kill u

oga go back to God in prayer, call your wife and both of you should discuss about all this challenges and look for a way forward. try to understand her and build the first love again.
God bless u.

Abeg divorce no be crime o. If marriage no work abeg end am instead of all these unnecessary headaches.

selflessmaya:


[size=11pt]when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

I don't think rape would cause all these except if it was done repeatedly. But we all respond to trauma differently I guess. I feel the better diagnosis is that she is BI-POLAR. Its something that hardly gets diagnosed in this country and people think the person is possessed or something. My advice is he finds a psychiatrist to examine her to see the root cause. It would be extremely difficult to make even consider this but its really essential.

Sometimes putting spirituality aside could really help make things clearer

cc: wrongchoice

Most women of today are aggressive, abusive,violent and pretentious with propensity to maim and /or kill.

Average number of them are here on Nairaland. Probably the rise in number of such women could be as a result of unemployment, financial hardship, relationship breakdown and most importantly family background.

Men should never overlook such traits during courtship. It's always a Red Flag �. I will not even tolerate an abusive woman as a mere friend.

Just because a woman goes to church every day, breathe church doesn't remove the tendency for violence. It is even more common amongst those women who go to church regularly. They only use the church to cover up forgetting that it will always manifest.

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

You should have left her immediately after the first shocker! That was your greatest undoing! But all hope is not lost! Leave her before she leaves you in the cemetery!

ghostmist:
Are you serious...?

Did this really happen?

My Gawd.... I'm having some serious chills here. Better fear dey catch me now.

I swear down. It really happened.
It was circulating round the media around 2012.

Even this local show "Nnkan Be" aired it on their program

After reading all your büllshït, I think you deserve a slap. You are not a true son of your parents. Shey Na juju dem take tie your hand? You never hear say slap dey reset memory to default?