1. You are driving on the highway, approaching 140 KM/HR. She laughs to something funny on her phone. You smile, you are happy she's happy. And just when you're already agreeing that this shared humour level is the sign, she gives you the phone to watch the two-minute video. You look up (in your mind), and say, "God, what did I do wrong?"

2. You are monitoring an election on TV. The final breakdown of the result is ready: of the 530,000 votes cast in Place X, Alhaji Ladan has 303,000, Hajiya Asabe 206,000, and others 21,000, she asks who the winner is. You pause to stare at her. She's not joking.

3. You are on the way to pick her up at her office. On the way, you find yourself stuck in the traffic jam. You call to announce the situation. She calls back two minutes later and says, "Can you please hurry up?" You repeat your previous message, perhaps she’s misheard, and yet she says, "Just hurry up." You want to ask "How?" But realize she's not incapable of asking you to drive on the Honda Accord blocking you.

4. You take her to the cinema. You are enjoying your fairly sugared popcorn, grateful it's not the condensed sugar sold at Silverbird. Suddenly she grabs your right hand and clasps it into hers, the very hand she's seen you deployed in transporting those white attractive things you masticated like a salvaged refugee. You steal a look at her, she's just as you described her in that birthday message - like an evening sun in a harmattan. Yet you wonder if that beauty is enough for the paucity of sense. Okay, big words. But you don't expect me to call your woman dumb in plain words, do you?

6. She says that Nollywood movie in which a ghost wears a wrist watch makes her emotional, and asks you to watch it. The next day, she recommends a telenovela to you, calls it a masterpiece and all. A few minutes into it, her favourite actress is seen driving. Suddenly the camera shakes and the car is seen doing what looks like a somersault. Your heart stops, and just when you are about to adjust to the shock, Actress Y drags herself out of the wrecked car. Looking as though she’s just had her bath. You wish to ask her to guess your age, but choose to leave matter to God.

7. She always talks about people who read, she wonders how they do it. She can only read to pass examination, she says. You are confused. You ask her about what even your gateman reads, those how-to books sold at Mazi Okafor’s “stationary” bookshop.

9. She doesn’t see why someone practises a religion other than hers, or belongs to an ethnic group different from hers. You remind her she was born into it, that none was given the option of choosing their parents. She thinks you are mad. She seems to agree she had the option of choosing her ethnicity, race, nationality and religion from birth. You explain, but she thinks you are mad. My brother, it’s God telling you to reconsider that nonsense you think is love.

10. You ask her for food to get for her. She says, "Anything." You insist, she insists. You oblige. You get her "Rice with Shrimp" from your favourite Chinese restaurant. She says it will make her throw up. But I asked you before going, you want to say. But smile instead. She's beautiful, even if... never mind. Don’t let fine face tempts you to despair.

I have done my part, have a wonderful day.

(c) Gimba Kakanda

Ps

Insert your experience as Number 5 and 8.

Word!

my mother said to me "I should not insult stupid people cus if I do I will be like them"

Dude.. Very funny bro.. I felt this piece and I can relate.
When you tell her that brexit would have no effect on Nigeria, it may reduce the value of pounds which is a positive for us in forex, and she is like "what is brexit? "..
When you are watching amanpour on CNN and she changes the channel to E! t.v to watch "rich kids of Beverly hills"..
When everyone she follows on IG is either a makeup artist or slay queen or fashionista or bellanaija, and she likes posts without even knowing the meaning..
... Father Lord, I can't carry on like this biko..
Someone that doesn't even know the speaker house of reps or senate president..
What have I done to deserve this girl

Op you're wicked.

Is it bad for a ghost to wear wristwatch? , LMAO
Lol, nice piece,
I want one for men.

beauty over brains....

lmao...number 1 & 3 got me cracking.

But to be fair it isn't by force to be with them, unless you think the sex and her beauty is worth enduring such troglodities

Daeylar:
Is it bad for a ghost to wear wristwatch? , LMAO
Lol, nice piece,
I want one for men. , Nobody should ask me to make one

Then don't ask for what you can't provide yourself..
TBH, girls are generally dumber sha..

The Face I Give When I See Dumb People Come Online claiming Intelligent

zicoraads:


1. You are driving on the highway, approaching 140 KM/HR. She laughs to something funny on her phone. You smile, you are happy she's happy. And just when you're already agreeing that this shared humour level is the sign, she gives you the phone to watch the two-minute video. You look up (in your mind), and say, "God, what did I do wrong?"

2. You are monitoring an election on TV. The final breakdown of the result is ready: of the 530,000 votes cast in Place X, Alhaji Ladan has 303,000, Hajiya Asabe 206,000, and others 21,000, she asks who the winner is. You pause to stare at her. She's not joking.

3. You are on the way to pick her up at her office. On the way, you find yourself stuck in the traffic jam. You call to announce the situation. She calls back two minutes later and says, "Can you please hurry up?" You repeat your previous message, perhaps she’s misheard, and yet she says, "Just hurry up." You want to ask "How?" But realize she's not incapable of asking you to drive on the Honda Accord blocking you.

4. You take her to the cinema. You are enjoying your fairly sugared popcorn, grateful it's not the condensed sugar sold at Silverbird. Suddenly she grabs your right hand and clasps it into hers, the very hand she's seen you deployed in transporting those white attractive things you masticated like a salvaged refugee. You steal a look at her, she's just as you described her in that birthday message - like an evening sun in a harmattan. Yet you wonder if that beauty is enough for the paucity of sense. Okay, big words. But you don't expect me to call your woman dumb in plain words, do you?

6. She says that Nollywood movie in which a ghost wears a wrist watch makes her emotional, and asks you to watch it. The next day, she recommends a telenovela to you, calls it a masterpiece and all. A few minutes into it, her favourite actress is seen driving. Suddenly the camera shakes and the car is seen doing what looks like a somersault. Your heart stops, and just when you are about to adjust to the shock, Actress Y drags herself out of the wrecked car. Looking as though she’s just had her bath. You wish to ask her to guess your age, but choose to leave matter to God.

7. She always talks about people who read, she wonders how they do it. She can only read to pass examination, she says. You are confused. You ask her about what even your gateman reads, those how-to books sold at Mazi Okafor’s “stationary” bookshop.

9. She doesn’t see why someone practises a religion other than hers, or belongs to an ethnic group different from hers. You remind her she was born into it, that none was given the option of choosing their parents. She thinks you are mad. She seems to agree she had the option of choosing her ethnicity, race, nationality and religion from birth. You explain, but she thinks you are mad. My brother, it’s God telling you to reconsider that nonsense you think is love.

10. You ask her for food to get for her. She says, "Anything." You insist, she insists. You oblige. You get her "Rice with Shrimp" from your favourite Chinese restaurant. She says it will make her throw up. But I asked you before going, you want to say. But smile instead. She's beautiful, even if... never mind. Don’t let fine face tempts you to despair.

I have done my part, have a wonderful day.

(c) Gimba Kakanda

Ps

Insert your experience as Number 5 and 8.

5. You take time off work to go and visit her in the city where she resides. You check into a nice hotel (she stays with her parents). She is happy when you call in to inform her you have arrived and you both fix a time for her to come around, reminding her to bring some home cooked food since you are hungry. She brings rice and chicken leftovers already going bad from her Father's birthday get-together 24 (?36) hours ago. Suddenly, you are no longer hungry (or lovestruck). 'Where's the closest Mr Biggs ?' you ask .

8. Most discussions about science and rationality end up being arguments about religion and faith in which she inevitably asks: "Are you sure you are a Christian ? Don't you know there is nothing God cannot do ?"

Nice, just make sure you're ' all that ' before complaining.

Crap.

When he tells you my mother pounds yam for my father every week and they've been married for 45 years. Don't run, flee.

When he says it's only a lazy woman that asks for a washing machine. First, you check if he belongs to this century of if he's just him.

Oh. He would like his wife to work as a teacher because *insert loads of misogynist reasons here*