Church Chronicles 1
Can You Burn The Church?

Last Tuesday after I closed from work,I decided to pay my very good and precious friend,Pius a visit.
Pius had invited me the previous night to discuss a new internet money spinning scheme which I was immediately sceptical about.I promised him I would show up the next day to look at this scheme he was so passionate about.
When I arrived his place, we both reviewed the site and came to the conclusion that it was a scam.As usual, we just regretted wasting our time and talked about other ways to make genuine ‘ bastard’ money, settling down and all that.Then,he teased me about my singlehood.

“Dude,you know you are getting older abi ”how far, any babe yet?”
I replied,
“At this moment for me, falling in love is dangerous”

During the inquisition,while Pius dished a sumptuous meal, I was busy dishing out flimsy excuses and telling tales of how I had been ‘there’ and how it wasn’t easy to pull out of my last relationship and getting over it. How I tried everything I could to distract myself from thoughts of her, and how I achieved the solace I sort of enjoyed. Not that he didn’t know about my experience, those sort of things just happened to sound and appear fresh whenever we discussed them. I told him how I was making progress in my ‘Journey’ and how I had met this new girl in a wedding I attended a couple of weeks back and another one, who I had met in a bus to Kaduna three months ago. I was about rating my progress with the one I met a couple of weeks back when....

‘PRAISING DAH LORRRRD,ALWAYS’
We were shocked.

Pius was apparently infuriated. I could feel the frustration in his voice when he started complaining.
“what kind of problem is this,they won’t let somebody rest,what is the meaning of all this? Can you imagine? This is how they would just be disturbing somebody anyhow. Look at another one there,this is what they all do. Just watch o,they would soon start their own and both speakers would be blaring and you won’t separate one from the other. I would burn this Church down I swear “
I could decipher that his frustration was as a result of the intrusive church evening programme, which happened to be regular and their use of gigantic speakers. The discussion we were having was the kind of discussion Pius enjoyed.So the rude interruption really vexed him.

I just replied sarcastically, can you burn the church”? Is it your land? If you do, God will be angry with you o.Moreover,that’s another man’s means of livelihood.’
Then he replied,
‘at our expense abi’.


I burst into laughter. My laughter didn’t only stem from the fact that what he said and how he said it was just funny ,but also from the fact that I could relate, I had a similar predicament. Maybe worse, and my reactions would be very similar.
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Where I live,there are three churches surrounding my compound,and I would burn all of them down if I could.It’s way too annoying to me.If they weren’t disturbing with their loud speakers, singing choruses incorrectly,mixing and remixing the lyrics,singing in languages that they know nothing about, they would be doing deliverances and really loud and dubious exorcisms at night.The one that annoys and cracks me up the most is the new one in front. There would be only three,sometimes two men in church and the speakers would be tuned to the highest decibel.

Some would argue that it is a tool for evangelism. That it is the work of God.But to be honest, they disturb folks in the neighbourhood who are trying to read, sleep or even relax after a very hectic day hustling.I mean, we are trying to see a movie and the church speakers would never allow us enjoy the sound. We are making a phone call inside our apartment and we are covering one ear and heading towards the wardrobe. We are trying to have a modest conversation and their speakers would make us shout,like we were in a night club. They not only manufacture noise ,but are a nuisance.No one in the neighbourhood attends those churches anyways,they never preach to us. We always wondered where and how they got members.Members who would be there morning, afternoon and evening,like they don’t have work.

Apart from the noise,their contents are very much incongruous and meant for those who are intellectually and most of the time,spiritually bankrupt.We could judge from their looks.
A friend once said,these so called pastors are stupid and they know it,so they see their congregants as no different. Imagine a pastor commanding his congregants with prayer points such as

“TELL YOUR ENEMY THAT YOU WILL OFFICIATE THEIR FUNERAL “
“THAT YOU ARE GOING TO COOK AND EAT THEIR BURIAL RICE”
And the church would respond enthusiastically.

Tell me, how is that even normal?
To be honest,those are the kind of things I don’t want to hear,but that’s their problem to fix.Try as you may to talk to them about the noise, they never take to correction or even become considerate,they just do their thing without giving a damn about their neighbours having a serene environment.

We know they have been bestowed with the freedom of association and worship,but do they have to be obtrusive all the time? And why can’t we have just one church in a street,why would there be more than two churches in the same street.Why did the second one come there when they were aware that there was a church in the area? Or maybe the old one wasn't doing a good job at Christianising the area,so they should come over to assist,Right? Or lets just do it together here they would say. Like ‘Kingdom Partners’. Truth is, they are not different. They just want to ‘outnoise’ and ‘outmember’ the other. Before you say Jack, there’s a third one.To make matters worse, the crime rate in the area is not even reducing.

Just like some other progressive churches, programmes like personal development seminars or marriage and relationship seminars may be organised periodically, these programmes attract the young and enterprising people like us to church sometimes. But my noisy neighbours stick to their organised chaos.

Though I think the Government and its town planners have a lot to do regarding the siting of churches. I believe it would spare the neighbourhood a great deal,the noise pollution.I do have wild dreams where I see these church buildings demolished by the Government for road expansion, and the churches scrambling for space in the popular shopping malls in the city, since churches are now money spinning ventures. But can’t the ‘church C.E.Os.’ ever have sense?What is even their aim? Can’t they operate without disturbance?

With the rate at which things are going,there could be a couple of churches in every compound...with really loud speakers.Division, Competition, Hypocrisy and Noisemaking too? It baffles me.These things shouldn’t be part of the course they champion, but we all could see, or pretend not to see, that the reverse is the case.
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So,a new church moved in last month.
They organised a crusade to win souls to their newly birthed ministry, A seven day/night crusade.They had giant speakers too,the speakers were placed atop plastic chairs outside.
First night ...noise
Second night....more noise
Third day....worse noise
Fourth day...On my way out,I encountered the new pastor to complain peacefully about the pollution. Pastor seemed to be in concordance with my plea and even said he was sorry.That they would do something about it.The speakers were tuned down a little bit at night.
Fifth night....I was featured in the prayer points as ‘Enemy of the church’,’ those neighbours who don’t want the church of God to grow, that the Holy ghost fire was burning them in their house, that’s why they are complaining about the work of God.’Holy Ghost,Send thunder to every neighbour that don’t want us to blow.’
I’m in my apartment, Flabbergasted.
I spent the next two days, a weekend in another place because I was scared of the impending thunder right? No,i just needed to chill,and maybe strategize on how I would sever the speaker cables or destroy the speakers,at least it would take them some time to buy new ones. Speakers are expensive these days.

Some people would never change, and me too, I would still love to see those churches go down in flames.
But that would triple the pollution, and fresh air is important. Maybe when I’m away, but who would burn them?

Church Chronicles 2
Sleeping Beauty.

I woke up right on time to prepare for the first service,which I always attended. I got to church about 15 minutes late due to the fact that I haven’t gotten my car yet so I had to dwell on the ’pailay’ speed. I couldn’t get a vehicle in time and the one I got had ‘change’ issues.When I alighted, I stretched forth 500 naira note to the guy and the look on his face was that of disdain.I could read his mind.

“which kind Wahala be this,for this kind early morning,500 naira?”

As far as I was concerned,it was the only denomination I had in my wallet and ’pailay’ must give me change.I needed to buy hanky and mentos to chew. Typical of me,i gave him a dead look. I thought that contributed to his unplanned muteness.He just searched for the notes in his pockets and handed them to me,exactly how I needed them.Two notes carrying Sarduana’s face and One 50 naira note,i was really appreciative when I collected them and said ‘Thank you’ with a wry smile.

I once had an altercation sometime ago with one of those guys. I remember that evening I didn’t know how much I had in my purse. I was rushing to deposit some money at a bank and I hopped on the available tricycle.When I got off, I checked my purse and lo and behold, the smallest denomination was 500naira.When I showed it to him, pailay provoked.. ...

“Ooooo,oga why you no tell me say na 5H you hol na,i nor dey like all dis kain tin ooo”

Then I replied

“why you dey shaat?,why you sef nor ask me how much I hold,abi you nor see say I dey rush?”

To cut this irrelevant flashback short,the guy gave me my change after I paid for the pretty young lady who sat beside me who I hadn’t noticed,until then.


Then I got to church,15 minutes late and I was ushered by the usual one thousand and one ushers during the infinite walk to the very front set of seats.

Then I took the seat closest to the aisle,looked beside me and saw this really elegant lady and muttered ‘good morning ’with a refreshing smile and she responded accordingly.

I then noticed that this very fine lady was taking off her high heeled shoes to reveal some very nice feet,feet which activated every incorrigibleness in me.I also noticed her very short gown which exposed some of her fine flesh to my ‘discomfort’. I knew I had to focus on the state of the art altar but my alter ego was beckoning on me.

“dude,you know you would take another glance at those fresh fine flesh,then another and another and..you better find a way to get her number,at the end of the service, you’d never know..”

“sharrap,is that what you came to church for,maifrenn you better face your front”

Imperfect me.

I just smiled away the pervert thoughts and resumed focus on the alter, I was in church right? The choristers were well into their melodious and well rehearsed ministration at the time.

After the rendition,Pastor YF was to mount the podium for his message, it was second nature for the congregation to give the choir a standing ovation and at the same time,welcome him.

Fine lady had to spend some minutes putting her shoes back on before she stood.I looked at her and she looked back and looked away.She was tall and truly elegant,like a goddess.

Temptations....

“No not now,your time will come,jus relax”

About 15minutes into the message,i was deeply engrossed and earnestly scribbling into my jotter,every single thing pastor spewed.Then I noticed a tingling sensation on my right forearm,I looked and saw that it was some strands of weavon ,fine lady’s weavon.She was dozing off to a message that was in no way boring.She did the occasional jerks and pretended as if she was not sleeping,but I knew,i was right beside her and my right arm was her pillow.

Pastor YF is never a boring preacher,he had a way with words and he made exciting illustrations with relatable things and everyday issues.So you just had to pay attention..With Pastor YF,attending first service every Sunday was well worth it.

So why was she sleeping?

“non of your business”

I then decided to play a makeshift usher role by nudging her upper arm with my elbow but she didn’t respond.It was at the third or so nudge she looked up at me,I looked deep into her deep brown eyes and gave her a warm smile and shook my head,she looked away and I guess she must have felt embarrassed.

I resumed my focus and it was a matter of time before she resumed her nap,but this time she was dozing to her right hand side.It would be brother Kunle’s turn to perform the usher role.

His demeanour was like”Abeglet the ushers comman do their work”.

Sleeping Beauty was dozing hard,and unlike me, Ogbeni didn’t care.