If divorce is as traumatic as they say why not work it out?Some people take years to get over a divorce,if you you loved the person that much Why not work it out?

its not that black and white. U have to be in one;s shoes to feel the pinch.

adetoru:

If divorce is as traumatic as they say why not work it out?Some people take years to get over a divorce,if you you loved the person that much Why not work it out?

probably because the "trauma" from the divorce is easier to handle than the years of physical and emotional abuse, neglect, infidelity etc

also remember that there is light at the end of the "divorce trauma" tunnel, there is absolutely NO LIGHT at the end of the "disrespectful/abusive/dishonest union" tunnel.

adetoru:

If divorce is as traumatic as they say why not work it out?Some people take years to get over a divorce,if you you loved the person that much Why not work it out?

some marriages are 'unworkable'. the more you try to repair it, it more it gets worst. so, in many cases the best and only option for all the parties involved is divorce.

and the reason why it takes many, years to recover from it is because of the trauma they have endured in the marriage. you can imagine a woman who was repeatedly abused both physically, mentally and emotionally and after going through the trauma of such 'marriage' you don't just expect her to recover quickly from those abuses especially the emotional ones. its is a gradual recovery process for many because their 'marriage' was a long journey.

and you cant tell her, since it will take you more to recover from the sadistic marriage, you might as well stay in it and 'work' it out, cause you know what that implies.

no one knows tomorrow to determine what he/she will play in the issue of divorce.
in malachi 2:16 God said He Divorce, but in matthew 5:31 - 32 Christ said another thing there
maybe one has to be enlighten b4 goin into marriage and divorce.

bishop T.D. Jakes in his book Before U do laid emphasis on divorce and marriage

i think if most people spent more time trying to get to know the person first before jumping into marriage there would be less divorce and yes i agree with the above posters you are better off divorced than living with someone you have grown to hate, if children are involved i think it is imperative that the mother puts the welfare of her children before her own needs and takes them out of an environment which is impacting negatively on the child.

There are so many f*****up kids walking around today who are the way they are because of the selfish and irresponsible attitudes of their parents who put the interests of themselves before their children. A male child who sees his mother being abused and mistreated by his father will grow up to do the same thing to his own spouse, a female child who sees her mother accepting abuse from her father will grow up to have low self esteem and think its normal for men to treat her like trash, therefore if two people can no longer live under the same roof without mistreating each other the best option is to call it a day and part ways if nothing for the sake of the children after all they did not ask to be born into a dysfunctional set up.

@ cap28: Im sorry, but I totally disagree with your first statement. I acknowledge that everyone has a right to their opinion but considering the sensitive nature of the topic currently being discussed, I feel compelled to add that it is a somewhat rushed and judgemental statement to make.

Anyone who has found herself/himself in a situation like this will tell you how different dating and marriage are. Its not the same at all! So like I said in my first post on this thread, UNTIL YOU WEAR DOES SHOES,

Source: Im currently wearing those shoes!! After a dating relationship of well over 8 years, we cant even seem to make a marriage work for just a year!! PLS, IT IS NOT THE SAME.

@spicymum sorry, didnt mean to offend you with my comments but they were based on what i see around me, dating amongst nigerians is actually not a common occurence most of the time you see people marrying people who they barely know which i beleive is asking for trouble, people change all the time, i find it really difficult to understand how you can date someone for 8 years and not really know them inside out, i think when you embark on a relationship there will always be warning signs or red flags about a person's personality that should enable you make a decision about going forward or pulling out completely. can i ask you a question is your partner acting completely different to how he was throughout the 8 years that you dated him? if yes then maybe you need to find out what is causing this change, if no, why did you go ahead and marry him knowing he had these character flaws?

one other thing - when you were dating did you spend time talking? what sort of conversations did you engage in? did you open up to each other about your outlook on life, your dreams your hopes for the future etc?

Cap28: Thanks for the acknowledgement. I am sure anyone reading this understands now that U meant no offence.
You are correct about the red flag. I did notice some things that didnt realy sit well with me, but I consiered them "small issues". Like not ever knowing what was goin on with him. I just assumed it was just his need for privacy. Now, I can see its a lot more than that.

We did talk. Ehhhhmmm, come to think of it, I think I most of the talking. He was, and still is, NOT a talk person. But then, he would listen. Now, he doesnt even bother pretending to listen and would shun or hush me in the nastiest ways. Never in the presence of people, though.

I have tried to find out what the problem is. Problem is, you cant get him to say anything even if you manage to pry his mouth open with the JAWS OF LIFE. How else do I find out?? He wont reply my emails, text or calls. He wont pick my calls, or that of my parents or siblings. (probably cos he thinks I have been telling them stuff). I had called out marriage sponsor and talked to them. They are very respectable people in the society and knights of the catholic church. They called him severally to come over and have lunch, just to talk with him. But he would never show and they seem to have given up on him/us. I cant say I blame them, its just like trying to move a stone-wall.

I have a thread I started, mayb you can look at it for more info. It makes me sad just talking about this. Ruins my day.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-415619.0.html

we need to understand that marriage required lots of commitment and giving it all before we enter into it, but some people enter there cos they think their mate have done that and they need to do it too