CHAPTER ONE

1. And it came to pass in those days that the Lord's ministry had come of age, so that he desireth to preach in a yonder country; to do the works of his Father when it was day, for the night cometh when no man can work.

2. And it pleaseth the Lord to journey by air: for it was fast and convenient.

3. But the Lord suffereth not himself to fly in first class nor business class, as earthly men do: for his heavenly father is rich in glory and majesty.

4. So the Lord called his disciples to himself and told them to gather from the tithes and offerings of the congregation of the people; that they may buy him a jet.

5. Therefore, the disciples went up to the people and told them the word of the Lord. And the people were greatly moved.

6. The rich men and corrupt politicians and Yahoo boys brought forth tithes from their blood money and laid them at the feet of the Lord's disciples,

7. The same was done by poor men who gathered all they had and laid them on the disciples' feet.

8. And there was a certain widow named Mumunus who sold all the plots of land of her late lord, and gathereth the whole money, and laid it at the feet of the disciples;

9. And the disciples returned with great joy and said, Good Master, we have gathered from the congregation of the people, fourscore and ten billion naira; after thy word.

10. So the Lord instructed his disciples to buy a private jet: that the words of Isaiah the prophet might be fulfilled, saying, who are these that fly as a cloud, and as the doves to their windows?

11. So the Lord and his disciples flew by private jet in the clouds of heaven, in glory and majesty, to America and Asia and unto the uttermost parts of the world. And the Lord performed great signs and wonders in those lands.

12. There was a certain man in the gatherings of Asia who was named Nairalus, the same was blind from his mother's womb and had come to receive his full sight.

13. So Nairalus, after filling the protocol forms, was brought before the Lord by his disciples at a crusade ground, and the Lord laid his hands upon Nairalus and he received his sights immediately.

14. And the Lord, knowing there could be great doubts, brought three handkerchiefs made of different colours from the pockets of his Italian suite and blandished it before Nairalus.

15. And it came to pass that Nairalus, who had been blind from birth, recognized the colours of the handkerchiefs and there was great jubilations from the crowd.

16. But the Pharisees and the Scribes and the men of press murmured wildly, saying, lo, this man scammeth us, for it is impossible for a man blind from birth to recognize colours at the same hour he was healed.

17. Howbeit, the Lord perceived the body language of the Pharisees and the Scribes and the men of press and said, O ye generation of little faith and fools, for ye have sight but do not see; ears but do not hear. Are the ways of my Father not different from the ways of man?

18. And a great controversy was stirred up amongst the congregation of the people.

19. So the Lord finished his good works and miracles and wonders in America and Asia and flew back to his home town in Nigeria; the land where skillful youths cannot find hirers and good wages.

CHAPTER TWO

1. In those days, during the reign of Bubu the king, the children of Nigeria faced great tribulations: for there was perilous hunger in the land and the youths could not find hirers.

2. And recession took over the vast land, so that the prices of goods and services soared like kites until a bag of grain was sold for over twenty thousand naira.

3. And the hearts of the people were sorrowful and heavy because King Bubu and his party would not deliver the change they promised.

4. So the people came to the Lord, that he may pray his heavenly father to make light their yoke and deliver them from the shackles of recession.

5. Seeing the multitude, the Lord had great compassion on them. So he opened his mouth and taught the people saying, Blessed are those who pay their tithes and bringeth their offerings to the store house for they shall live above recession.

6. Blessed are the widows and the homeless and the jobless who pay their tithes, for my heavenly Father will give them golden rooms in heaven.

7. Blessed are the corrupt politicians who loot the treasury and oppress the poor and sow their seeds in the kingdom, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

8. Blessed are the Yahoo boys who taketh from the gullible and honoureth my house with their substance, for they shall obtain mercy.

9. Blessed are the money launderers and bribe collectors who faileth not to bring their seeds before me, for they shall find favour in my father's sight.

10. And it came to pass after these teachings, that a certain OAP and Twitter warlord named Freezeus, who had multiple followers online, came on air and on the social media, saying,

11. Pay up not your tithes unto the Lord and his disciples; it is unlawful to do so in this age and time, for the Lord is not from the tribe of Levi.

12. The same Freezeus will not hold his peace day and night, insisting that it was unlawful for the Lord to receive tithes in this age and time.

13. And there was great controversy, such as had never been before, amongst the congregation of the people,

14. Such that Facebook and Twitter were put asunder. And there was great division: some for the Lord and some for Freezeus.

15. Howbeit, Freezeus, being vexed, challenged the Lord to show scriptures that tithes was lawful in this age.

16. But the Lord did not provide scriptures to discredit the words of Freezeus.

17. Instead, the Lord laid a curse on Freezeus and the congregation of the people who would not pay up their tithes to the treasury.

18. And the Lord said to the congregation of the people, do not be deceived, knowest thou not that thy tithe is not for you but for thy children's children up to the fourth generation?

CHAPTER THREE

1. And it came to pass on the first Sabbath of the seventh month of the second year of the reign of Bubu the king that as the Lord was leaving his office a certain widow named Mumunus pressed towards him.

2. But the Lord's bodyguards, wielding guns and ammunition and bomb scanners, shoved the woman away, suffering her not to see him.

3. Seeing the woman, the Lord had compassion on her and told his bodyguards to withdraw their guns and weapons. Knowest not that those who live by the sword shall die by the sword?

4. And Lord said unto the woman, daughter, what troubles thee?

5. And the woman looked up and said, Good master, I have been in thy church for two scores and one dozen years and have been faithful in tithes and offerings: for I sold my late lord's estate for thy sake and for the sake of the gospel, and dropped the money at thy disciples' feet.

6. Now my only son is sent out of school because of the war waged by the sons of ASUU against the government and my indebtedness to money lenders.

7. Therefore, I pray thee to allow my son attend one of your private universities on scholarship, so that thy handmaid may have rest.

8. But the Lord sparked up in rage, saying, woman knowest thou not that private universities are run with money and not bread?

9. Verily, verily I say unto you except a child be born of a wealthy family he cannot attend a private university,

10. For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a poor man to afford the tuition of a private university.

11. Go up therefore with your son and be prayerful, so that the sons of ASUU would trouble not your government and that they might give free education to the poor.

12. And those who heard these sayings were grieved in their hearts, for the Lord regard not the prayers of the poor woman.

13. The was a certain philosopher named Satireus, the same came unto the Good Master at night saying,

14. Good Master, tell me, how shall I protect myself from the wickedness of this world and the arrows that flyeth by day?

15. And the Lord answered him saying, thou shall be steadfast in prayers and must possess my mantle and anointing oil with thee anywhere thou goeth.

16. But Satireus, being tormented by devil, answered saying, but thou protect yourself with bodyguards and policemen who wield guns and other dangerous weapons. Where is thy mantle and thy anointing oil?

17. And the Lord rebuked Satireus saying, get behind me Lucifer, for it is written thou shall not tempt thy Lord and thy God.

18. So Satireus departed from hence and the Lord continued his good works and teachings throughout the land but would not allow himself to be crucified.

19. Now there are also many other things that the Lord did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written. Amen.


N.B The use of the word "Lord" does not suggest Jesus but men who are now being worshipped by other men.

Source: http://facebook.com/enigmaticgandhi



David Ademule is a student of human society and crime; he lives and writes from Lagos where he goes about carrying his magic

mehn u ar a real genus,infact this ur brain deserve ten bottles of FURA DA NUNU,I throway salute man,u make sense die.

nice one OP