Hello all, I will try and make this simple.We have been married for 6 years and two children, unfortunately there have been very few times we have enjoyed peace, I have done everything I could to make her happy, but non has ever worked.

She insults me anytime anywhere and she does not just care, her mother and brother sometimes chastise her, but she does not just listen, her mother however recently has been agreeing to anything she says or do, even with her other siblings no matter who is wrong(this is because she got a job lately and has been satisfying her mother financially). In fairness to her, she also disrespects every single person in her family, not just me alone. Also in fairness to her mum, (her mum) and her family members sometimes think I am too soft on her.

Well again in fairness to her , she exhibited these signs right from day one, not just to me but to everybody even her mother and elder ones. I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage.

Meanwhile while we were dating, there was a time I ended the affair because of her cynical behavior, and she came to beg and promised to change. I forgave her after like one month. But then, it only lasted for a while.

Many different things have happened since the marriage, even flirtatious activities, but not adultery, I have tried to handle and forgive those things.

Presently I am working in a different city, and we had a little misunderstanding and she started insulting me as usual and hung up on me. This is what she does regularly, but each time, I will be the one to call back because, I felt I should take the initiative and also because of the kids. I have told her to stop hanging up on me and insulting me on the phone. So, This time around, I refused to call her, and it has been like this for 2 months now, she refused to call as well. To worsen everything, I lost a close family member, just before this problem, she does not just seem to care. We have been like that since the past two months. Something tells me that with this kind of behaviour, she might as well have moved on, please what do you all think.

Anything we have misundertsanding , even when I try to resolve the issue, she will be busy with her phone, no matter how late it is, then immediately she drops the phone, she says she wants to sleep, and that is all.

NB. For this six years, I have been the only person working, so this is not a a case of her being the bread winner. She just got a job 5 months ago.

Personally, the first question i ask whenever i see such situation is this: Didnt you see these signs when you were dating or where you blinded by something else or where you one of those who think they will change in marriage?

OP sorry about all that your wife has been putting you thru, I must say the signs were there during courtship for her to behave rudely also to her family and with them admitting you are soft on her tells a lot about the personality of your wife from her single days. You need to stop been a sissy and have some real hard talk with her, if she's still interested in the union or not.
BTW what's the line between been flirtatious and cheating,

eyeview:
Personally, the first question i ask whenever i see such situation is this: Didnt you see these signs when you were dating or where you blinded by something else or where you one of those who think they will change in marriage?

Gosh, I forgot to talk about this part, I know some one will raise it up. I will just go back and modify the post. Well again in fairness to her , she exhibited these signs right from day one, not just to me but to everybody even her mother and elder ones. I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage.

Meanwhile while we were dating, there was a time I ended the affair because of her cynical behavior, and she came to beg and promised to change. I forgave her after like one month. But then, it only lasted for a while.

She has not moved on but being stuborn. You laid a foundation of always calling her and now she is still waiting for that call. When will you make the call?

Marriage is a very challenging, psychological test of COMMITMENT, LOVE, PATIENCE and HONOR.

It will bring out the best and worst in people.

The success of ANY MARRIAGE involves 2 people who COMMUNICATE, not 1.

OP, you are being tested. You cannot succeed alone. Do you have a partner?

Your wife is going through a very RISKY phase, known as the “restlessness and distraction” phase. This can make or break a marriage. Nothing is certain, only frustration. . . Doubt. . . . Anxiety. . . . Estrangement.

Your case can only get WORSE before it gets better.
Only 6 years?

DID you MARRY HER FOR HER CHARACTER? OR JUST BECAUSE TIME WAS NOT ON YOUR SIDE AND YOU NEEDED TO SETTLE DOWN?

Marriage has to be UNDERSTOOD but its clear your wife and mother OUT law DO not know their place.

you need a FRESH START with your wife... if she is ready BUT If not.. kindly relocate and take care of the kids.... DONT REMARRY.... and do not let anyone know where u STAY.

FIND OUT WHAT WILL SCARE YOUR WIFE..... Or what will make her FEAR U... shouting wont do it... complaining or ranting wont work.... SHOCK HER with an ACTION that shows... she is NEVER to disrespect u again.

if you do this... SHE WILL BE SO HUMBLE and YOUR LOVE WITH HER WILL RETURN.... also VERY VERY IMPORTANTLY- Check your ATTITUDE to her.... she may just be REACTING to how u TREAT HER... and you innocently think you treat her WELL.

see your MARRIAGE COUNSELOR if you had one... else your pastor or an ELDER who will not take sides but CORRECT BOTH OF U

kapelvej:
Hello all, I will try and make this simple.We have been married for 6 years and two children, unfortunately there have been very few times we have enjoyed peace, I have done everything I could to make her happy, but non has ever worked.

She insults me anytime anywhere and she does not just care, her mother and brother sometimes chastise her, but she does not just listen, her mother however recently has been agreeing to anything she says or do, even with her other siblings no matter who is wrong(this is because she got a job lately and has been satisfying her mother financially). In fairness to her, she also disrespects every single person in her family, not just me alone. Also in fairness to her mum, (her mum) and her family members sometimes think I am too soft on her.

Well again in fairness to her , she exhibited these signs right from day one, not just to me but to everybody even her mother and elder ones. I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage.

Meanwhile while we were dating, there was a time I ended the affair because of her cynical behavior, and she came to beg and promised to change. I forgave her after like one month. But then, it only lasted for a while.

Many different things have happened since the marriage, even flirtatious activities, but not adultery, I have tried to handle and forgive those things.

Presently I am working in a different city, and we had a little misunderstanding and she started insulting me as usual and hung up on me. This is what she does regularly, but each time, I will be the one to call back because, I felt I should take the initiative and also because of the kids. I have told her to stop hanging up on me and insulting me on the phone. So, This time around, I refused to call her, and it has been like this for 2 months now, she refused to call as well. To worsen everything, I lost a close family member, just before this problem, she does not just seem to care. We have been like that since the past two months. Something tells me that with this kind of behaviour, she might as well have moved on, please what do you all think.

Anything we have misundertsanding , even when I try to resolve the issue, she will be busy with her phone, no matter how late it is, then immediately she drops the phone, she says she wants to sleep, and that is all.

NB. For this six years, I have been the only person working, so this is not a a case of her being the bread winner. She just got a job 5 months ago.

kapelvej:
Gosh, I forgot to talk about this part, I know some one will raise it up. I will just go back and modify the post. Well again in fairness to her , she exhibited these signs right from day one, not just to me but to everybody even her mother and elder ones. I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage.

Meanwhile while we were dating, there was a time I ended the affair because of her cynical behavior, and she came to beg and promised to change. I forgave her after like one month. But then, it only lasted for a while.

Bros, if i had known you then,i would have asked you to back off, not listening to some elders who just want to see a marriage consumated. Anything you know you cant deal with in marriage, run if you see it in the courting. Dont believe that nonsense of 'she will change in marriage', are you the Holy Spirit?
The truth is that she may wish to change and hence atimes makes temporal moves to change but she will always relapse because the spirit is already deeply enshrined in her attitude and you may not have what it takes to weather this storm. The only hope now is God but she must be willing to yield and start a genuine walk with God for Him to continually and gradually renew her spirit and soul. Until then bro, you have my sympathies, unless you just opt out by divorce

greatnaija01:
DID you MARRY HER FOR HER CHARACTER? OR JUST BECAUSE TIME WAS NOT ON YOUR SIDE AND YOU NEEDED TO SETTLE DOWN?

Marriage has to be UNDERSTOOD but its clear your wife and mother OUT law DO not know their place.

you need a FRESH START with your wife... if she is ready BUT If not.. kindly relocate and take care of the kids.... DONT REMARRY.... and do not let anyone know where u STAY.

FIND OUT WHAT WILL SCARE YOUR WIFE..... Or what will make her FEAR U... shouting wont do it... complaining or ranting wont work.... SHOCK HER with an ACTION that shows... she is NEVER to disrespect u again.

if you do this... SHE WILL BE SO HUMBLE and YOUR LOVE WITH HER WILL RETURN.... also VERY VERY IMPORTANTLY- Check your ATTITUDE to her.... she may just be REACTING to how u TREAT HER... and you innocently think you treat her WELL.

see your MARRIAGE COUNSELOR if you had one... else your pastor or an ELDER who will not take sides but CORRECT BOTH OF U

Thank yo for your time, you made some very good suggestions, I have made several attempts we to see a councellor she will have non of it, I have been begging her to tell me if there is something I was doing wrongly, but she will not even bother to reply me. Sadly I over heard one of her friends telling her sometimes that she should try and change her ways. Her eldest sister also talked to both of us and made it clear to her that she has to change her ways.
Concerning doing something shocking, well I think that not calling her bask like I used to do should be shocking enough for her, it is two months now, and she is very okay with it.

Olalan:
OP sorry about all that your wife has been putting you thru, I must say the signs were there during courtship for her to behave rudely also to her family and with them admitting you are soft on her tells a lot about the personality of your wife from her single days. You need to stop been a sissy and have some real hard talk with her, if she's still interested in the union or not.
BTW what's the line between been flirtatious and cheating,

Well, I can not go into details here. Well at least no prove of extra marital physical intimacy but proof of verbal flirty discussions

eyeview:


Bros, if i had known you then,i would have asked you to back off, not listening to some elders who just want to see a marriage consumated. Anything you know you cant deal with in marriage, run if you see it in the courting. Dont believe that nonsense of 'she will change in marriage', are you the Holy Spirit?
The truth is that she may wish to change and hence atimes makes temporal moves to change but she will always relapse because the spirit is already deeply enshrined in her attitude and you may not have what it takes to weather this storm. The only hope now is God but she must be willing to yield and start a genuine walk with God for Him to continually and gradually renew her spirit and soul. Until then bro, you have my sympathies, unless you just opt out by divorce

Thanks Bro, I have never questioned the bible, but the only part of the bible that baffles me is when it says the only reason for divorce is adultery, and even at that, no party can re marry unless one of the party dies. I am not thinking of remarrying at all, but I am just looking at the fairness

you've allowed your self to be deceived, who told u she will change ?
your marriage in shaking while the elders have disappeared in your case.
pls go back to them to help fix your marriage.

eyeview:
Personally, the first question i ask whenever i see such situation is this: Didnt you see these signs when you were dating or where you blinded by something else or where you one of those who think they will change in marriage?

he said their church elder told him " things will change after they get married"
and he believed in a lie

This one is strong bros. I hope you two find a resolution soon. All the best

First of all I will like to commend you for opening this thread and attempting to take proactive steps towards salvaging what’s left of your marriage.

However, it appears your wife has a very dominant alpha kind of personality. Women long for leadership and if they find that, they will admire and “submit” (I use that word loosely) and love.

You seem to have allowed her walk all over you and this has made her respect and subsequently her love diminish over time. She just can’t be bothered hence the attitude. I really think you need to make her realise that you are fed up and you will not take it any more. You might have tried this before but you need to DECIDE not to allow her walk all over you the way she does to everyone else. It will not happen over night but you have to value your self respect enough to put your foot down NOW.

If you don’t, the kids will grow up to disrespect you too because naturally their mother’s behaviour will rub off on them.

Call an official family meeting if you have to but DECIDE and do this quickly. Personally I don’t like third party involvement but in this case it might help. Perhaps a woman she respects who has a successful marriage can speak to her but she has to have an opportunity to tell you what you have been doing for the last 6 years that is making her love disappear.

Good luck!

@OP, I used to believe that people will change before now but its one of the things I have come to realize; people hardly change their characters, they can just hide it for some times but its like a smoke that will always find its way out.
In your case, the woman did not hide it from day one and then, someone somewhere now told you she will change after marriage and you dont know that's a big fat lie?
Anyway, you have to keep enduring her, see it as a cross you have to carry even if its for the sake of the children.
Like someone suggested, try and find out what scares her or what you can use to scare her to curb her excesses.
You will have to test such on her to see how she would respond to it. Dont let that be frequent lest she develop resistance to it.
Always be prayerful. There's no situation God cannot intervene into ....... He knows the best way to go about it.

blackboy:
She has not moved on but being stuborn. You laid a foundation of always calling her and now she is still waiting for that call. When will you make the call?

I know I have laid the foundation, I have made some terrible error of ommission please I need advice

kapelvej:
I know I have laid the foundation, please I need advice

You have to man up and be very firm.
Let her know you will not take such sh*t again.
You have lived for 6 years, you should know her weak points, if it will take you to capitalize on that for some times to put your house in order and earn your respect back, then do it.
If women sights that counter trouble is looming, they most times simmer.

I hate to say this:
Seems like your marriage with her is over.

@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. There seems to be these factors missing in your marriage; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. In theory, your wife "HAS SEEN YOU FINISH". I have said this several times, and I will say again (some of you men don't listen), there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. People even convinced you to marry her that she will change and you fell for the deceit. I suspect your wife is pretty and aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned you couldn’t just end the courtship and let her go. You gave her warnings to change her attitude of which she said she would change but she deceived you and she went back to status quo and yet you still went ahead and married her; WHAT FOR?

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

You and your wife have not spoken for a while and that’s not a healthy sign. You also mentioned that you have reported her to some family members to intervene but to no avail. You are now getting to the point where you need to ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marriage to learn from the @ops mistake

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


Finally, try and resolve the issues you are having with your wife urgently as communication is a problem you both have. Humility on both your parts is a starting point. Get a 3rd party (which can be counselling) involved if need be as you have children and the environment is not a conducive one for them to grow up in at the moment. All the best

I rest my case

PS: @kapelvej you are welcome.

But your posts showed that you painted your wife in a bad light and you didn't mention any of your own faults. It is not possible for one to be always innocent without offending the other party. You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your wife is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your wife were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. The bottom-line is all about compromise.

kapelvej:
Thank yo for your time, you made some very good suggestions, I have made several attempts we to see a councellor she will have non of it, I have been begging her to tell me if there is something I was doing wrongly, but she will not even bother to reply me. Sadly I over heard one of her friends telling her sometimes that she should try and change her ways. Her eldest sister also talked to both of us and made it clear to her that she has to change her ways.
Concerning doing something shocking, well I think that not calling her bask like I used to do should be shocking enough for her, it is two months now, and she is very okay with it.

Believe me she's not okay wherever she is since you have not called her back as you use to...she is panicking wherever she is right now!
I'm quite sure she's afraid (to lose you because you're probably the only man who can tolerate her) since you haven't called her unlike before, she's probably wondering if there is another woman .
You've got to stand your ground!
Don't call her!
Let her be the one to call you so you can set some conditions!
Let her be the one to fight for you and her marriage this time!
If she still loves you, she'll fight for you!

Mariangeles:
Believe me she's not okay wherever she is since you have not called her back as you used to...she is panicking wherever she is right now!
I'm quite sure she's afraid (to lose you because you're probably the only man who can tolerate her) since you haven't called her unlike before, she's probably wondering if there is another woman.
You've got to stand your ground!

Thanks

"I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage"

Why not go meet the church elders who advised you to marry her with all the red signs you saw? Why come to Nairaland now?

Mr. Man, respect yourself oo.

Now let me say this @OP, every woman needs a leader, and leadership is influenced not by dominance. You have to stand up and take the leadership position as the man that you are. Every woman behaves most times like the horse which you need to put a reins on them to control their actions. There should consequences for bad behavior, if there is no consequences for bad behavior then there will anarchy within the home.

I strongly recommend that you take out time to go see your wife sit her down and talk some sense into her. That if such actions repeat itself again you will send her back to her parents house, also put her family in the copy too; that if their Duaghter continue this way that separation is inevitable, then watch their responses and then you will truly know where are loyalty lies.

You can also engaged the advice of her Pastor or anybody you think she reverence or hold in high esteem. That can help too.

toksbisola:
@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. There seems to be these factors missing in your marriage; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. In theory, your wife "HAS SEEN YOU FINISH". I have said this several times, and I will say again (some of you men don't listen), there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. People even convinced you to marry her that she will change and you fell for the deceit. I suspect your wife is pretty and aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned you couldn’t just end the courtship and let her go. You gave her warnings to change her attitude of which she said she would change but she deceived you and she went back to status quo and yet you still went ahead and married her; WHAT FOR?

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

You and your wife have not spoken for a while and that’s not a healthy sign. You also mentioned that you have reported her to some family members to intervene but to no avail. You are now getting to the point where you need to ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marriage to learn from the @ops mistake

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


I rest my case

Thanks for your time, I never painted her bad and painted myself good, I just only relaid what has been going on in the home. If I do not want solutions I would not be here, there are even issues that I did not mention that I have forgiven just for the good of the family

kapelvej:
Thanks

Stay strong!

Mariangeles:
Believe me she's not okay wherever she is since you have not called her back as you used to...she is panicking wherever she is right now!
I'm quite sure she's afraid (to lose you because you're probably the only man who can tolerate her) since you haven't called her unlike before, she's probably wondering if there is another woman .
You've got to stand your ground!
Don't call her!
Let her be the one to call you so you can set some conditions!
Let her be the one to fight for you and her marriage this time!
If she still loves you, she'll fight for you!

Lovely piece of advice!

Mariangeles:
Believe me she's not okay wherever she is since you have not called her back as you used to...she is panicking wherever she is right now!
I'm quite sure she's afraid (to lose you because you're probably the only man who can tolerate her) since you haven't called her unlike before, she's probably wondering if there is another woman .
You've got to stand your ground!
Don't call her!
Let her be the one to call you so you can set some conditions!
Let her be the one to fight for you and her marriage this time!
If she still loves you, she'll fight for you!

Best advice but not for the faint-hearted!

eniolorunfe:


Best advice but not for the faint-hearted!

He has to be strong because this is the best moment for him to know if his wife truly loves him.

Just two words for you, Divorce her!!

let me HELP u... CHANGE YOUR LINE... ensure u have DOUBLE ACCOUNTS on all social media.... FBK/INSTA/WHATSAPP... one set of accounts for WHEN THINGS ARE okay.... AND the other ACCOUNTS for when THINGS ARE BAD.... TWO MONTHS is small cos she knows u will always be available....

USE the GHOST PROTOCOL and she will be shocked when she can not reach u for weeks and NO ONE HAS SEEN u, not even in CHURCH... ensure your pals who have her number are also aware so they DENY hearing from u or seeing u... NO ONE IN HER FAMILY MUST SEE OR HEAR FROM U.... I tell u... IF IN 4MONTHS SHE DOES NOT MIND.... KINDLY DIVORCE Cos it is simply PROOF that another MAN is there for her and she can even choose to KILL u if IT WILL GIVE HER PEACE... Dont be BLIND like u were as a single...,

THIS IS THE TIME TO TEST MANY MANY THINGS BEFORE DECIDING FINALLY.

kapelvej:
Thank yo for your time, you made some very good suggestions, I have made several attempts we to see a councellor she will have non of it, I have been begging her to tell me if there is something I was doing wrongly, but she will not even bother to reply me. Sadly I over heard one of her friends telling her sometimes that she should try and change her ways. Her eldest sister also talked to both of us and made it clear to her that she has to change her ways.
Concerning doing something shocking, well I think that not calling her bask like I used to do should be shocking enough for her, it is two months now, and she is very okay with it.

eyeview:
Personally, the first question i ask whenever i see such situation is this: Didnt you see these signs when you were dating or where you blinded by something else or where you one of those who think they will change in marriage?

Stop asking this dumb question? You can date for 10years and still not get it right in marriage. Never compare marriage with dating.