For the sake of a better understanding of myself story, Let me Start with a brief biography.

I am a young man of about 26 years old and a graduate, presently employed with a monthly salary of a little over 40k per month. Recently I got an offer of a job that pays over 130k per month plus mouth watering allowances. Meaning I will soon be changing levels.

Both my family house and current place of work are situated in the same state but different LGAs. I have an accommodation at my location of work but prefer to go to work from my family house due to some challenges such as unstable electricity (I'm a computer programmer) and the bad weather at the location of my place of work.

In my childhood, My parents' marriage crashed! I have four siblings of which I am the second child and the first of two sons...and my mum (who single handedly raised us all through primary school up til University)....as for my dad.. Well, he left us and remarried!

Over the years, due to how my mum has frowned and posed a very unwelcoming attitude towards any female she sees around me, I haven't been able to maintain a stable relationship. I mostly did whatever business I had with the opposite sex outside the house and completely out of her knowledge.
I don't really know at what age a young man should have a girlfriend, but I believe at 25, he's old enough!
So I thought she was protective probably because I was not of age or probably didn't like it when I was with different females....or some understandable reason.

However, because of how much I appreciate her motherly love for us and for not abandoning us after our dad left, I took it upon myself, in my heart, to 'when I become of age', get/marry a woman who would be one after my mum's heart. (now before you go on about how wrong this is, I know right! The woman must have passed through me first!...And yes it is possible to get a woman I love who also at the same time, is someone my mum approves of)

Presently, at 25, I am trying to build a stable relationship. A relationship that is different from the previous ones. A relationship I can parade anywhere (I believe it's not wrong if parents/guardians know who their wards are dating).
Now to do that, I must date, and to date means I must be seen around females and they too, around me.

To my utmost dismay, my mum still maintains a very unwelcoming and hostile attitude towards them. Like, we've had several talks (both peaceful and quarrels) about this.

Also, The thing I can't seem to understand is why My younger brother who is more of a philandeer but she doesn't really look his way....she doesn't really care about his own matter.
But as for me, It is more like...her body bites her when she sees females around me.
I have talked to her... I have quarreled with her and nothing changes.

Recently, I met a well groomed and very beautiful girl, the type I know my mum would approve of, and we've started something. I have started bringing her home.

Just the other day, we had a big quarrel (my mum and I). My girl had come to see me at home and we decided to hang out @ some place. I stayed out for about three hours before returning home.

On reaching home, my mum enters my room and begins to tell me how another person will not reap where they didn't sow... She also added that, on getting something doing (i.e a stable source of income) we'd take care of her first, for three years! before thinking of getting a woman (wife).
she said she'd curse any of us who failed to do this. She said a whole lot of unpleasant things which did not go down well with me. Also, She has always repeatedly told me about how she won't visit my house when I get married (for what reason... I don't know). To add, She's the type of person that can keep malice with just anyone.. Infact, she's not in talking terms with her sister for some rather irrelevant issue.

Now I am sad, confused, perplexed,... I am depressed.
I keep having this feeling that I am in big trouble when I get married. Like...Trouble from my mum. Trouble that can shatter a family.

I am confused....afraid!

Congratulations you got a job already. She wants you to take care of her or repay her for standing by your siblings, start doing that right away so that the three years will be completed quickly and then you can go on to enjoy your life.

Try and get accommodation away from her as soon as you can so the two of you will not be quarrelling so much.

Hmmm Is She related to patience ozokwor? But patience had repented.

Maybe a woman was the cause of the split between your mum and dad...so I guess she's just a little bit over protective

Being a single mum is not an easy thing and raising a home by yourself is not an easy feat. I feel she doesn't want all that she has laboured for in you be taken away from her by a stranger who just came when things got better (maybe that was the case of your dad)

It's best to sit with mum, have a friendly discussion and get her to open up. I'm sure you will come to know and understand her more.

I believe what she needs is a little reassurance that she always remain number 1 cz she has always been there for you and contributed to making you the man you are today. You are the 1st son and the man of the house...I guess that's why she placed that priority on you

sirusX:
Maybe a woman was the cause of the split between your mum and dad...so I guess she's just a little bit over protective

Being a single mum is not an easy thing and raising a home by yourself is not an easy feat. I feel she doesn't want all that she has laboured for in you be taken away from her by a stranger who just came when things got better (maybe that was the case of your dad)

It's best to sit with mum, have a friendly discussion and get her to open up. I'm sure you will come to know and understand her more.

I believe what she needs is a little reassurance that she always remain number 1 cz she has always been there for you and contributed to making you the man you are today. You are the 1st son and the man of the house...I guess that's why she placed that priority on you

Never agree less.. as Op have a lot of work to do in terms of having a deep heart to heart talk with his mum which should be followed by sincere practical.. and if the mum refuse to burge.. then he should know he has got a very selfish mother and wisdom will be required to deal with her because of his future wife.

N.B No matter the effort mothers use in raising their sons .. there is always another woman that will come in-between them. It is not a man's design but that of God.. so they should keep that in mind.

Your mum will make a bad mother in law in to your future wife. The earlier you settle your differences with your mum, the better before you get married. Or else your wife will be frustrated by her.

Well, you are not the only one facing such...its not new. Most single mothers usually have such psycho-emotional issues that breaks their son's ego and she must have had that bitterness for a long time. Its probably why ur dad left but u were a kid then so u might not understand. Yours is even good, I know a guy with a vengeful temper today cus he grew up under a bitter mother who was very rigid and difficult..never listens to his idea.

Lemme be frank with you, there's still a fight coming up btwn u and ur mom before u can break free. But apply wisdom, u can reach out to family elders that ur mum listens to, to attend to d matter. Your mom loves you deeply that's why. But the feeling is gone too far over the years of suffering bringing you up alone. You're d first son and she's emotionally obsessed of you than ur bro. She's finding it hard to let go of her sufferings...women never really suffer for someone free-of-charge before though..something must go for something..lol

So prepare for a tough way to break free, then draw ur line when u become a man on ur own. I still see both of you loving each other in future though.

The reason why ppl like us couldn't vote for ceeC, ppl are enjoying her drama, but some of us have been thru the emotional and psychological torture of living with such a bitter woman.

Settle your mum first and make her comfortable financially before thinking of marrying. Open a business for her and make sure your other siblings are OK before venturing into marriage because most ladies of this days are demons in human clothing. All they know is my husband my husband forgetting that someone brought their husband up to the stage he currently is. I understand your mums fear, hence, as a first son, make her comfortable financially and watch her bless your union.

Validcode:
Try and get accommodation away her as soon as you can so the two of you will not be quarrelling so much.

Yeah.. Will soon you can moving out!

sirusX:
Maybe a woman was the cause of the split between your mum and dad...so I guess she's just a little bit over protective

Being a single mum is not an easy thing and raising a home by yourself is not an easy feat. I feel she doesn't want all that she has laboured for in you be taken away from her by a stranger who just came when things got better (maybe that was the case of your dad)

It's best to sit with mum, have a friendly discussion and get her to open up. I'm sure you will come to know and understand her more.

I believe what she needs is a little reassurance that she always remain number 1 cz she has always been there for you and contributed to making you the man you are today. You are the 1st son and the man of the house...I guess that's why she placed that priority on you

Mmmh.. Their marriage didn't really crash because of a woman. At least my mum didn't mention that. It was more because my dad was more of a wayward (lazy) man.

Yeah... I have thought of having a quite different talk with her about how much I have her interest in mind.

But the thing is... We've had similar talks in the past.. But the yield nothing. We practically go back to where we left off

I'm so sorry for showing teeth. The only thing going through my mind is prayer for any girl that eventually ends up with you. You mom won't change. The three years settlement won't be enough. You might not last with your wife too. Your dad left...ever had a heart pour from him? It's a vicious circle...whew, how sad.

May God Almighty keep troubled men from troubled mothers away from me and everyone I know. Amen!

LuvSwollenPussy:
Well, you are not the only one facing such...its not new. Most single mothers usually have such psycho-emotional issues that breaks their son's ego and she must have had that bitterness for a long time. Its probably why ur dad left but u were a kid then so u might not understand. Yours is even good, I know a guy with a vengeful temper today cus he grew up under a bitter mother who was very rigid and difficult..never listens to his idea.

Lemme be frank with you, there's still a fight coming up btwn u and ur mom before u can break free. But apply wisdom, u can reach out to family elders that ur mum listens to, to attend to d matter. Your mom loves you deeply that's why. But the feeling is gone too far over the years of suffering bringing you up alone. You're d first son and she's emotionally obsessed of you than ur bro. She's finding it hard to let go of her sufferings...women never really suffer for someone free-of-charge before though..something must to for something..lol

So prepare for a tough way to break free, then draw ur line when u become a man on ur own. I still see both of you loving each other in future though.

The reason why ppl like us couldn't vote for ceeC, ppl are enjoying her drama, but some of us have been thru the emotional and psychological torture of living with such a bitter woman.

Mmmh.. Very much understand. Thank you!

ststyreal:
Settle your mum first and make her comfortable financially before thinking of marrying. Open a business for her and make sure your other siblings are OK before venturing into marriage because most ladies of this days are demons in human clothing. All they know is my husband my husband forgetting that someone brought their husband up to the stage he currently is. I understand your mums fear, hence, as a first son, make her comfortable financially and watch her bless your union.

She trained us all, remember? She has a good job. She also has business properties. She's is very comfortable!

Have you tried to meet your dad to know why he left your mom?


Don't even think about getting married until you address the issues in your family.

Sometimes ones parents are best loved from a distance.

Well, it seems you replaced your dad as her man and she doesn't want to share you with any woman. Like someone has stated above, move out and live your life. It might strain your relationship with her forever but it's something you must do. You cannot marry her, after all.

Na newspaper you dey write abi?

Extremely terrible MIL in the making.

@OP: Your mum has replaced you emotionally and psychologically as her husband hence the apparent jealousy.

Again, she would prefer a woman of her choosing when she feels you are ripe for marriage so she can control your feelings for her and have a wife who is submissive to her. A woman of your own choosing would be too risky for your mom.

The three years she is proposing is just wash. Like you rightly mentioned, she trained you all through school so she doesn't need your financial help although it is your duty to take care of her.

Solution:
You have to stand your ground with your mom if you are going to ever enjoy your marriage. I know someone in your situation (he is even the only child) so he is a worse situation.

This stand is not by been rude; you should first move out of the house and send something to her every month. You can also visit monthly with gifts and encourage her to make friends and pick up new hobbies/ groups in her local church/mosque so she will have less time for your matter.

You are trying to tell her you love her however, you are now an adult and need to start living life on your own terms.

And it is noteworthy that you realize that your mother will cause issues in your future marriage and you are working to resolve it.

Goodluck.

buske:


She trained us all, remember? She has a good job. She also has business properties. She's is very comfortable!

Then she has no reason to be worried. Just talk to her and hear her own side of the whole issue. She is got no choice but to accept your wife to be at the end of the day. Stay blessed!

Acidosis:
Have you tried to meet your dad to know why he left your mom?


Don't even think about getting married until you address the issues in your family.

No I haven't. The man does not care about us...and has been out of our lives for like ages. So to me.. He practically doesn't exist.

Seems your father dodged a bullet. Op, sorry o.

buske:
For the sake of a better understanding of myself story, Let me Start with a brief biography.

I am a young man of about 26 years old and a graduate, presently employed with a monthly salary of a little over 40k per month. Recently I got an offer of a job that pays over 130k per month plus mouth watering allowances. Meaning I will soon be changing levels.

Both my family house and current place of work are situated in the same state but different LGAs. I have an accommodation at my location of work but prefer to go to work from my family house due to some challenges such as unstable electricity (I'm a computer programmer) and the bad weather at the location of my place of work.

In my childhood, My parents' marriage crashed! I have four siblings of which I am the second child and the first of two sons...and my mum (who single handedly raised us all through primary school up til University)....as for my dad.. Well, he left us and remarried!

Over the years, due to how my mum has frowned and posed a very unwelcoming attitude towards any female she sees around me, I haven't been able to maintain a stable relationship. I mostly did whatever business I had with the opposite sex outside the house and completely out of her knowledge.
I don't really know at what age a young man should have a girlfriend, but I believe at 25, he's old enough!
So I thought she was protective probably because I was not of age or probably didn't like it when I was with different females....or some understandable reason.

However, because of how much I appreciate her motherly love for us and for not abandoning us after our dad left, I took it upon myself, in my heart, to 'when I become of age', get/marry a woman who would be one after my mum's heart. (now before you go on about how wrong this is, I know right! The woman must have passed through me first!...And yes it is possible to get a woman I love who also at the same time, is someone my mum approves of)

Presently, at 25, I am trying to build a stable relationship. A relationship that is different from the previous ones. A relationship I can parade anywhere (I believe it's not wrong if parents/guardians know who their wards are dating).
Now to do that, I must date, and to date means I must be seen around females and they too, around me.

To my utmost dismay, my mum still maintains a very unwelcoming and hostile attitude towards them. Like, we've had several talks (both peaceful and quarrels) about this.

Also, The thing I can't seem to understand is why My younger brother who is more of a philandeer but she doesn't really look his way....she doesn't really care about his own matter.
But as for me, It is more like...her body bites her when she sees females around me.
I have talked to her... I have quarreled with her and nothing changes.

Recently, I met a well groomed and very beautiful girl, the type I know my mum would approve of, and we've started something. I have started bringing her home.

Just the other day, we had a big quarrel (my mum and I). My girl had come to see me at home and we decided to hang out @ some place. I stayed out for about three hours before returning home.

On reaching home, my mum enters my room and begins to tell me how another person will not reap where they didn't sow... She also added that, on getting something doing (i.e a stable source of income) we'd take care of her first, for three years! before thinking of getting a woman (wife).
she said she'd curse any of us who failed to do this. She said a whole lot of unpleasant things which did not go down well with me. Also, She has always repeatedly told me about how she won't visit my house when I get married (for what reason... I don't know). To add, She's the type of person that can keep malice with just anyone.. Infact, she's not in talking terms with her sister for some rather irrelevant issue.

Now I am sad, confused, perplexed,... I am depressed.
I keep having this feeling that I am in big trouble when I get married. Like...Trouble from my mum. Trouble that can shatter a family.

I am confused....afraid!

Congratulations on your new job. Your story has many issues or sides, first it will be kind of difficult to blame your mum even though she is over reacting, this is due to what she went through in raising you lot. The solution is to talk sense to her calmy, you can not win a fight with that kind of woman. They are they type that are never wrong.
On the other hand I hope you can now see why you dad left your mum. You can verify that she is a malice queen, even to family. YOUR MOTHER IS THE TYPE THAT CAN NEVER BE WRONG, EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS AT FAULT, AND EVERYBODY MUST TAKE CORRECTION, BUT NOBODY THERE CORRECTS HER.
My story is similar my wife has ltreally send me packing out of the house, maybe in 15 years my children will say I abandoned them, Here ARE the links to my story.https://www.nairaland.com/4447411/wife-finally-moved AND THIS https://www.nairaland.com/4457718/update-wife-finally-moved. Hope They help.

The day you forgive your father and let go of grugdes...than a first step in to solving your problem is solved

Try talking with your father,he might give you a clue.Theres more to your mother's obsession.

buske:


No I haven't. The man does not care about us...and has been out of our lives for like ages. So to me.. He practically doesn't exist.

You haven't heard the other side of the story.

buske:


No I haven't. The man does not care about us...and has been out of our lives for like ages. So to me.. He practically doesn't exist.

It will be wise you talk to your dad. Can't believe a mother is this jealous, she may go diabolic if not handled carefully.

Go down on your knees and pray, putting her in God's hands.

NAwa oo,future wives no dey like this kind of MIL....I swear.
I will advice you make more money till you clock 30,meanwhile keep a serious relationship with your girlfriend till then,
Impregnate her when you almost ready to introduce her to your mum,she wouldn't have a choice than to accept her and please make your mum visit your home once in a while...
Always send her money too every month.

she is too attached to you guys. am very sure not only you. she has been a father and mother to you for a very long time. The fear of having another woman into ur life and you maybe not giving her the attention she hoped for is what scares her. i think.

laydoh:
she is too attached to you guys. am very sure not only you. she has been a father and mother to you for a very long time. The fear of having another woman into ur life and you maybe not giving her the attention she hoped for is what scares her. i think.

But I have always lived up to expectation as the first son of the family. I have always shown her that I care about her

Women are very emotional creatures. Your mother is one. She can't see beyond her hurt to realise she is hurting you. In her mind, she rationalizes it as only wantong the best for you when all she feels is a non-existent betrayal. I should know. I have been independent for over 10 years and my mother still can't seem to accept the fact that I am my own man with 2 kids to boot. I guess being the last child of the house who was always a "good boy" has its disadvantages.

What I have done is to reduce my interactions with her. It hurts, yes but it means I get things done before she knows about it. By then, she can't influence or demand I follow her own opinions. Deed is done already. The result is a relatively strained relationship but at least not a bad relationship as it would have been if I had gone full rebel, nor a toxic relationship as it would have been if I pandered to her every wish.

I believe you have to do something similar. Your mother is comfortable so she doesn't need your money. It is not about the money. It is about loosing her connection (means control to be honest) to you. So this is what I suggest. Move out. Get yiur own place. Don't tell her before you do. Don't bring your girl anywhere near your mum. Don't make it obvious to anyone- siblings inclusive- that you have a girl. Else your mum will believe the girl has taken you away from her. Visit your mum on a regular and fixed schedule - like every sunday, or sonething. Do not fail. If something happens to make it nit happen, see her the next day. You have to create a space between you two and only after she has accepted that should you even begin of thinking of letting her know you are getting married. Note. Marriage, not girlfriend. Let her express surprise that you had a girlfriend in the first place rather than she telling you some girl is not good to have as a date. Once thay stage is reached, you fiancee should cime for your regularly scheduled visits once in a while. Not all the time. Once in a while until she warms up to your girl or until she is resigned to your decision.

It is better for her to say you don't keep her informed as to what you are doing than for her to get into a grudge match over the things that you want to do.

My opinion.

buske:


But I have always lived up to expectation as the first son of the family. I have always shown her that I care about her

It's not about if you care for her or not. It's about leaving her like your dad did. She would rather squeeze you to her bossom suffocating you than allowing you to leave her too. It's a subconscious thing. She doesn't mean you ill.