isalegan2:


31 is actually not old. But you don't know that when you're 29. Most of us walk through life very limited in knowledge and insight. (Guilty.) There is no way to change it. You can't teach life! It can only be lived.

31 years is too old to be a single lady in Nigeria. Such lady starts feeling the pressure to settle down and ends up settling for just anybody all in the name of being a Mrs.

I feel for you sis, i really do. I wish i can advise you, but i am still a single young guy myself.


But what i can tell you is that, you should MOVE ON. It's a bad feeling knowing you have invested so much in the r/ship but outside influence does not want it to work. Think of it as a business gone wrong, and move on. It's hard but that's what you have to do.

Work to improve your self esteem, with your good attitude you will find a responsible man that will marry you sis.

His families will regret the bad attitude they showed towards you, and he will also cry, beg and do many sorts of emotional connection back to you, when he sees you are happily married with kids.

Never try to get back to him when you move on please, because i know the feeling will still be there.


I wish you well.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home» Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go.--------- Passenger

dominique:


31 years is too old to be a single lady in Nigeria. Such lady starts feeling the pressure to settle down and ends up settling for just anybody all in the name of being a Mrs.

You are right. And I do understand that. And it's not just Nigeria, but worldwide. The pressure to marry in your 20s is even more severe than in Nigeria where at least it takes a long time to be gainfully employed enough to be able to afford your own home. In many countries where you're finished with university by 25 and a job is waiting for you, you're expected to have found your mate before you graduate. That's why many middle and upper class Oyinbos are very particular where their children go to school because they want them to meet the right kind of man. For example, Jewish American people who have a high inter-religious marriage stastic push their daughters to go to schools like Columbia in New York which has a historically higher number of Jewish enrollment. And the ones that go to schools with few Jews are pushed to join Jewish students club and any fraternity and organisations where they will meet others like them. Just giving one example to emphasise that the pressure is not just one tribe or just African people syndrome.

But ultimately being single at 32 or older won't kill the OP. If she gets away from this situation she'll have learnt a huge lesson that will help her to make a better choice.

But yeah, a 15 or 20 year old girl doesn't have dreams of being single when she's 31.

Gasa84:
Thanks all for ur concern, though I know d solution.... I still want someone else to say it.
Someone asked for the full details.
When I found his drinking, beating and insults.. I told my aunt who told me to get close to his family that they might talk to him... I tried but he forbid it... So since d elder brother and the wife are living in same state with us I resulted confide in the wife... I told her my frustration , everything he does to me and to himself, but I remember she never suggested anyway to sort things out... She only calls to ask if we re still quarrelling... Then when he got sick d first time she called me and said I should marry him right away that it's obvious he can never be fit and he needs help, I told her that his sickness doesn't cover d fact that we still have issues.... When I got a job as a customer care representative she was d one that told my man that my job is like professional prostitution which made him threaten me to resign. She was on a way the person Who made me resign from my job to take care of him when he was sick. At a point I started feeling that she n d husband always listen when she calls me... So I stopped confiding in her.
That's when I started experiencing the hatred... The husband kept telling everyone that I said nasty thing abt his brother, that I don't allow him spend his money that he opened a shop for me and bought a land with my name... These are in no ways true... They say am way too exposed for him and that I used charm on him.. This also was false.
When he was sick they call me and thank me and beg me to look after him.... When he got better they rejected me.. When he was sick again they saw me with him at the hospital and left only checking on him via phone till he went for the surgery. I stay in his house more than I stay in mine and they know..
The sister begged me to always be with him, but when I traveled with him to the village (barely 2months after his surgery) this same sister asked me to go that it's slotty of me to travel with a man that haven't payed my bride price. The one thing they now say I did was not sleeping over at the hospital when he had surgery... and that was because I was afraid to since it was barely 3weeks after d brother pushed me out of his house.
I know the easy answer. .. But pls house is there something else am not seeing, is this guy going to be safe if I leave? They never talk abt him getting married.... They just want him to send me away...
I keep feeling it's deeper than am seeing that really y am confused... Since I met him he s been better neater, wiser and more refined, I affected him positively, I am 32, I work, I paint, I sing and I read E/E
Please house what's there to hate abt me. I ve never had any encounter with them most of them don't even know my lifestyle... What am I missing in this puzzle?

I'm very sorry they took advantage of you.

They wanted you to care for him in the hospital, but when you travelled with him they complained you were too familiar with him because you weren't yet married.

They wanted you to be productive and money generation but they thought a customer service job was like prostitution? Was it at a hotel?

It's like the popular old song, "Eniyan bi aparo l'omo araiye n fe o." If you do, you wrong, if you don't, you're still wrong. Can't please them. That's why some just please themselves.

I'm really sorry for your trouble. I don't even know what so say now about the way forward. Just know that many have been similarly victimised by others in this world - it may take many forms - and they overcome. Don't lose hope in yourself. You'll be surprised there'll be better days for you yet.

I wouldn’t usually support going ahead if a family doesn’t like you, but my dear you deserve a pension at least for all you have sacrificed for him. Better tell this boyfriend to do something on your head right now or you walk. Also make sure that he begins to warn his family members not to talk to you or treat you anyhow. If they can treat you like that in front of him, then they lack respect for him as their family. Your boyfriend needs to put his foot down. How he presents you to his family is how they will treat you. So he must not be doing a good job of that. You really need to be sure that he intends to marry you. The only way you can be sure is if you have a serious discussion with him about it.

Ruthf:
Hmmm, ur case ehhhh....
no 1. His brother had the mind to chase u out of ur fiance's house in the city.
no 2. The entire family chase u away when you went to his village.
no 3. He cant protect you from his family.
no 4. He used to beat you before. then u made a whole lot of sacrifices for him.

A man who loves you should be able to protect you
what has he done to protect u?

he might be telling u he loves you and want to marry you cos of all the sacrifices uve made but goes behind to tell his people to treat u in a way u will refuse marrying him cos he cant tell you in person.

my dear, use ur tongue to count ur teeth and save urself from future torment.

Happy birthday Nekky

Hi everyone 😁
It's been like 5 years since I voiced out my desperation. Now these are my updates:
It got worse after my call out for help. His family made jest of me that am like a furniture in a house since I can't get pregnant , I kept having afflictions and attacks in my own house.... I mean these people doesn't know me or what I can do. Even my parents were on me like.. "a graduate like you marrying an illiterate.. he can't even dress well or speak good English " I kept wondering why people that doesn't know me hated me so much until I found out why.
His family found a wife for him...(his mother's best friend's daughter) he accepted, went for the introduction and also went ahead to sleep with the lady countless times only to tell them that he was no longer interested in the marriage, so they thought I was to blame and that I charmed their brother, so as I found out I decided to hold onto the relationship cos I was furious and I wanted to get back at them for frustrating me and besides this guy was still paying my house rent and feeding so should I leave him? He enrolled me in a fashion school and bought me 4 industrial sewing machines.. why would I leave him? Haha, who am I kidding ?. So I started building my life around these decays called family. I stopped taking advices, when he tried beating me again I went crazy and fought him like a mad woman, then I started noticing that no matter how we quarrel, the next day we'd keep it aside and move on. I got addicted to smoking... he was there with his disapproval, but he was there . I dated other guys but he was also there still paying for my upkeep, it was a long crazy year.
Then he suggested we have a baby I said ok, we went to the hospital and took treatment for few months and got pregnant, his family found out after five months and started asking us to do traditional wedding... we were surprised cos we decided not to involve them in our lives again.
We did the trad and they apologised... yes it almost sound like a ferrytale. The only thing is that he never told them that he wanted me, he just told them that he doesn't know how to leave me, so the they thought I charmed him and they took him to a native doctor who told them that their son never had the intention of marrying the lady they chose for him.
When I had my baby girl he welcomed us with a car ( one refurbished american accident car😅)
I took all the advices given to me here..and I used it to build a shield, now am in a crazy exciting marriage where we can fight one moment and gossip the next moment. We can have our quicky whenever baby falls asleep... we can masturbate without feeling guilty, we have out laughter and dances and touching moments... we also have our pains..
I had to watch him have seizures (kept having it occasionally after his brain surgery) and it breaks my heart to pieces. And some months he had to watch me battle with anxiety disorder and panic attacks... he takes me to hospital and assures me that life is not meaningless and watches me struggle to get better and overcome my fears.
Every now and then his mother calls to complain that I don't call her enough 😊.
It is a weird marriage, but if it was any less weird that this I would be bored.
I finally got the exact family I want， no pretence, no outside interference and 70% crazy

Gasa84:
Hi everyone 😁
It's been like 5 years since I voiced out my desperation. Now these are my updates:
It got worse after my call out for

Wow, nice to conisder giving an update.
Hope you didn't marry him after all the brouhaha

Find your way out. You are not wanted.

You will regret if you marry him - big mistake.

Marriage is not a must.

What kind of brain tumor did he have?
How’s his health now?

Gasa84:
Am sorry to bother you guys but I need your advice.
I am from Imo state and I met my man (from Enugu state) in 2013 after my NYSC. He was not quite learned but he is hard working so I suggested he rent a house and buy a land since he can afford it, he did.

But when I started spending weekends in his house I found out that he drinks a lot, beats and insults me, telling me he can never marry someone like me, but he also takes care of me as I was unemployed then, I felt it was ignorant and kept enduring and confide in his elder brother's wife about my dilemma....

To cut long story short, I got a job in 2015 and he got very sick in 2016 so I had to let go of my job to tend to him for 2 months till he traveled for proper treatment.

After 8 months he came back told his brother that he wants to marry me but his brother said no to the extent that the brother pushed me out of his house when I came to visit him as usual...

He got sick again and was diagnosed with brain tumor , I stayed with him in the hospital till he traveled for surgery... While I was with him no one cared to come stay in the hospital as they knew I was there... I stayed in his house more than mine. After a successful surgery, his father died..

I followed him to his village cos I thought it was the right thing to do but his brothers, sisters, mother and uncles told him to send me away, I left there feeling miserable and insulted...

But he kept telling me that he doesn't want to lose me that we will keep on praying that one-day they will accept me so we can then marry.

I know he loves me... Probably because I was there with him when he was sick.... But am no more that young and I don't know what will happen later... Am afraid and frustrated....

I don't know what to do please help me out. I can explain more if u ask I am just confused and depressed. What do I do, how do I cope?

cococandy:
What kind of brain tumor did he have?
How’s his health now?

Hi dear all I know is that it was at the frontal lobe

Gasa84:

Hi dear all I know is that it was at the frontal lobe

. Oh well.

Gasa84:

Hi dear all I know is that it was at the frontal lobe

Has he made good recovery?

Interesting update.

I believe he has fully recovered health wise now.

cococandy:


Has he made good recovery?

Yes he did

NoToPile:
Interesting update.

I believe he has fully recovered health wise now.

Yes. Thanks

Gasa84:

Yes he did

okay. That’s great for him.

I believe you’ve been advised by the people who commented first. I was just curious that’s why I asked.

Interesting thread & update.

I guess some of us thrive on drama after all

Good luck OP.

Omo people dey marry oo



There is no better way to explain Stockholm syndrome. It's all good if it works for you.