Why is my family always unwilling to listen to me.
Why is my own family my main source of emotional pain and sadness. I mean, family is supposed to be there at your times of needs, but my case is different. They bring so much sadness to my life.

NoHoper:
Why is my family always unwilling to listen to me.
Why is my own family my main source of emotional pain and sadness. I mean, family is supposed to be there at your times of needs, but my case is different. They bring so much sadness to my life.

Because you let them, maybe you enjoy the savior complex but you don't seem to want to grow at all, we gave you loads of advise but you don't seem to want to listen

NoHoper:

Will be difficult to get married with no savings. Whenever I'm saving up money with the view to getting married, someone seems to always have one pressing issue or another that needs my attention. Rent, school fees, hospital bills. Kind of issues that I can't afford to turn a blind eye to.

Thanks for the reply, though.

Sorry about that. Bear it patiently until your siblings graduate from school. If there's any hustle they can do along with their studies, maybe you should set them up if you can. That'll take the burden off you a bit.

Don't get tired of them. Family is all we've got when there's no one else to stand with us.

It won't last forever and I'm sure they'll never forget this.

But limit the spending to immediate family only. Parents and siblings.

Eketem:


Because you let them, maybe you enjoy the savior complex but you don't seem to want to grow at all, we gave you loads of advise but you don't seem to want to listen

I really listened to the advice I got here and that's why I got involved in ajo. I'm in a very difficult situation right now. I never expected such reaction from my mom.

Ioannes:


Sorry about that. Bear it patiently until your siblings graduate from school. If there's any hustle they can do along with their studies, maybe you should set them up if you can. That'll take the burden off you a bit.

Don't get tired of them. Family is all we've got when there's no one else to stand with us.

It won't last forever and I'm sure they'll never forget this.

But limit the spending to immediate family only. Parents and siblings.

My family have never stood by me all my life. They never supported me financially or otherwise in school, I hustled to pay fees. The most painful thing is that now that I'm trying to make a living for my self, they are trying very hard to make me miserable.

You have to be in my shoes to understand what I'm going through.

NoHoper:

My family have never stood by me all my life. They never supported me financially or otherwise in school, I hustled to pay fees. The most painful thing is that now that I'm trying to make a living for my self, they are trying very hard to make me miserable.

You have to be in my shoes to understand what I'm going through.

Sorry that you're going through all that. I guess I was thinking of my own family when I typed that. I'd kill for my parents and siblings. We love each other that much.

I can't advice you to abandon your family though.

If you can set up your siblings, that will take the burden off you a bit and they can in the nearest future also chip in to assist your parents.

Maybe destiny has set you on a pedestal to be the shining light that will lead your family out of the bondage of poverty.

Still, you need to learn the fine art of saving o. Pay yourself 10% first and foremost. Money you must never touch under any circumstance.

NoHoper:

I really listened to the advice I got here and that's why I got involved in ajo. I'm in a very difficult situation right now. I never expected such reaction from my mom.

Develop a thick skin, they feel entitled to your money, they call, blackmail and you withdraw your savings and give them, it will be a constant circle till you grow a thick skin

megareal:
You are heading for high BP If you don't slow down. If you drop dead today, they will still carry on. Family members always use those that are generous. It's high time you reevaluate your life. Encourage your younger siblings to start making money, no matter how small through menial jobs.
If you had savings, I would have advised you call a family meeting, give your father a lump sum (not in millions) and inform him to use it for a profitable business as you want to start planning for your family. Love yourself dude.

Why father in his case?

He hasn't proven willing to work after the initial job loss.

These kind of family members I can tell you free of charge will squander any bulk money you give them for business then be back begging in a few months

NoHoper:
Mehn, these things are just getting worse for me.

So early this month I sent about 60k home, dropped 50k for ajo and the remaining for my upkeep and some bills.
Mom just called demanding for more money for her church stuffs. I told her I don't have money right now and she angrily hung up the phone. I called several times she refused to pick.

I am so confused right now...

Hard truths brother:

Your family has seen you as a matryr to carry the family's burdens.

They don't care about you as a person however as a source of livelihood

They will continue to emotionally blackmail you till you pack up or you free yourself.

Should children care for their parents yes? However, you are just to supplement their efforts and ensure they live comfortably.

I don't think the bulk money will work because they will squander it and come back to you for more.

You need to free yourself brother.

They are probably living the life you can't afford.

Imagine asking money for church when she is jobless and you have sent almost 30% home.

Even a bank with their cut throat mentality will ensure that your monthly repayment is not more than 30% so you can survive.

I cried reading your emotional story.

bukatyne:


Hard truths brother:

Your family has seen you as a matryr to carry the family's burdens.

They don't care about you as a person however as a source of livelihood

They will continue to emotionally blackmail you till you pack up or you free yourself.

Should children care for their parents yes? However, you are just to supplement their efforts and ensure they live comfortably.

I don't think the bulk money will work because they will squander it and come back to you for more.

You need to free yourself brother.

They are probably living the life you can't afford.

Imagine asking money for church when she is jobless and you have sent almost 30% home.

Even a bank with their cut throat mentality will ensure that your monthly repayment is not more than 30% so you can survive.

Co-signed!

More on bulk money:

The idea of dishing out lump sums to people with no business acumen or even basic commitment and focus is one of the largest drains in the pockets of my people. The majority of small businesses do not survive and if they do, most will not be profitable in the first few years, at least not enough to reflect the invested effort. Some people are better off picking up a second job carrying bricks than starting a business using "free" funds. If the money is borrowed with interest and/or collateral, the business person might be a bit more serious but no guarantee.

At the very minimum, ask to see a business plan and put some time into verifying if the idea is viable. Some people can sell snow to eskimos but most people do not have what it takes to build a profitable business. Even if they were selling water in the desert, they would still not break even not to talk of making profit.

NoHoper:
Mehn, these things are just getting worse for me.

So early this month I sent about 60k home, dropped 50k for ajo and the remaining for my upkeep and some bills.
Mom just called demanding for more money for her church stuffs. I told her I don't have money right now and she angrily hung up the phone. I called several times she refused to pick.

I am so confused right now...

This is not an issue. Develop a thick skin and be firm. You can't turn yourself into money. Do they ask you how you feed? How you are coping? If you have any plans of starting a family soon? All they care about is collecting collecting collecting. Lord knows I can't deal with such.

Church issues, while important, are not a priority for now so mum going off on you is very unfair. You just have to harden yourself otherwise BP will finish your enemy.

Do you think your enemy is too young for a stroke or heart attack? You will be shocked

NoHoper:
Mehn, these things are just getting worse for me.

So early this month I sent about 60k home, dropped 50k for ajo and the remaining for my upkeep and some bills.
Mom just called demanding for more money for her church stuffs. I told her I don't have money right now and she angrily hung up the phone. I called several times she refused to pick.

I am so confused right now...

You are being blackmailed and used, unfortunately by your own family
You will soon be used and dropped, if there's another option for her.
Put a stop to it now.
Don't call her back, stop sending even the feeding money to her for now.
I say this so you can reevaluate your whole life and start planning accordingly.
Start buying foodstuff and sending to them instead. We still have people in their sixties working abroad, so your dad has no excuse not to work.
Don't be surprised even the so called feeding money sent is spent on church and other frivolous activities.
Infact, let them not hear from you for a year. Disappear from everyone's life. Stop calling, don't contact anyone, avoid visits from them/ move from your current abode to a new place. Just send someone to take foodstuff to them monthly.
If others start looking for you about, tell them you're facing major issues at work and even psychologically/spiritually, and you will contact them when you have sorted it out.
I say spiritually because its easier to explain that than to talk about true depression. Nobody understands what depression is, and you are gradually getting there if care is not taken.
Drastic situations call for drastic measures.

armyofone:
I cried reading your emotional story.

Honestly, its so sad.
The OP has to grow some balls, and stop dancing to their whims. He needs to do something drastic.
He should run away from them for sometime. That will help them also to put things into perspective so that when he resumes rendering any help at all, it will be appreciated

You are such a victim! Your kind make me sick.

You have a problem, you’ve been given solution, yet you’re still here crying.

Don’t take charge of your life ok, keep coming back for the pity party.

You better not marry anybody in this your situation, before you and your people will come and kill somebody’s daughter.

Grow a fucking spine!

MMotimo:


Co-signed!

More on bulk money:

The idea of dishing out lump sums to people with no business acumen or even basic commitment and focus is one of the largest drains in the pockets of my people. The majority of small businesses do not survive and if they do, most will not be profitable in the first few years, at least not enough to reflect the invested effort. Some people are better off picking up a second job carrying bricks than starting a business using "free" funds. If the money is borrowed with interest and/or collateral, the business person might be a bit more serious but no guarantee.

At the very minimum, ask to see a business plan and put some time into verifying if the idea is viable. Some people can sell snow to eskimos but most people do not have what it takes to build a profitable business. Even if they were selling water in the desert, they would still not break even not to talk of making profit.

So agree with you.

Everytime i see give him bulk money; give her bulk money.

If that person did not ask for it or doesn't have a business you want to expend, OYO.

I know who did the bulk money thingy twice for wifey and she & hubby finished the capital.

Now, she sent goods on credit to the sis for her to pay back. Another person sent a vehicle to his brother to do Uber who is repaying him back monthly.

OP can explore that option of a business which will yield returns and they split the revenue.

You better tell them all to think of what they can do that will help them because you cannot continue supporting them. Let all of them choose a trade to learn. If they refuse, tell them you will change your number and only send money to your parents. You cannot kill yourself. If they refuse to gather sense, just ghost all of them and send money to your mother’s account. Trust me, they will find a way. They will not die without you.

I don't understand. You sent about 50k to your mom earlier in the month, and then she requested for a new sum for church duties (probably seed for a scammer). Now that you refused to meet her new demands, she has refused to answer your calls?


Is she concerned at all about how you feed, pay rent, etc. Has she ever asked you how you cope with all these? If your answer is NO. I will advise you to block her line straight up and stop calling her. Don't allow anyone blackmail you with the 9 months pregnancy talk.

Also, ignore those advising you to send her more money. She does not deserve one extra kobo from you until she stops acting like a parasite. Motherhood does not end in the 'labour room'. Some moms still send food stuffs, even money, to their children including the married ones.

You don't have to suffer for the consequences of the acrobatics she had with her husband 35 years ago. Sounds disrespectful but it is nothing but the bold truth.

bukatyne:


So agree with you.

Everytime i see give him bulk money; give her bulk money.

If that person did not ask for it or doesn't have a business you want to expend, OYO.

I know who did the bulk money thingy twice for wifey and she & hubby finished the capital.

Now, she sent goods on credit to the sis for her to pay back. Another person sent a vehicle to his brother to do Uber who is repaying him back monthly.

OP can explore that option of a business which will yield returns and they split the revenue.

What irks me about "bulk money" is the fact that majority of the people we advice to give others bulk money don't even have bulk money for themselves.
If it's so easy to gather bulk money, I'm sure the OPs condition will be better.
For 10 years he's been working, I doubt if he has 500K naira saved. So where do we expect him to get the bulk money from? If he has bulk money, won't he go and buy a land somewhere for himself and try to move ahead in life first?

Acidosis:
I don't understand. You sent about 50k to your mom earlier in the month, and then she requested for a new sum for church duties (probably seed for a scammer). Now that you refused to meet her new demands, she has refused to answer your calls?


Is she concerned at all about how you feed, pay rent, etc. Has she ever asked you how you cope with all these? If your answer is NO. I will advise you to block her line straight up and stop calling her. Don't allow anyone blackmail you with the 9 months pregnancy talk.

Also, ignore those advising you to send her more money. She does not deserve one extra kobo from you until she stops acting like a parasite. Motherhood does not end in the 'labour room'. Some moms still send food stuffs, even money, to their children including the married ones.

You don't have to suffer for the consequences of the acrobatics she had with her husband 35 years ago. Sounds disrespectful but it is nothing but the bold truth.

I agree completely.

But watch the emotionally blackmailed Nigerians come for you now, with their family blablabla talk.

NoHoper:
Why is my family always unwilling to listen to me.
Why is my own family my main source of emotional pain and sadness. I mean, family is supposed to be there at your times of needs, but my case is different. They bring so much sadness to my life.

I understand how you cant ignore rent, health, feeding, school, etc bills and they do need these things. But.....

You need to grow a pair at this point in your life and start to disappoint your family members. If you allow these things to continue, they will ruin you into your old age. Even if you manage to get married and start your own family somehow, they wont let you be. The way I see it, if you cant learn to be form now they will wreck you even at that time.

Once you say no their demands, leave them to throw their tantrums. They won't die and they will learn to fend for themselves. They will never learn if you continue to indulge them like this and so you have to teach them the hard way.

But remember they're still flesh and blood like you so go about it wisely.

NoHoper:
Why is my family always unwilling to listen to me.
Why is my own family my main source of emotional pain and sadness. I mean, family is supposed to be there at your times of needs, but my case is different. They bring so much sadness to my life.

Sorry dear, your pain is understandable. But be the better man.
I will advise you to put all these behind you, stop brooding and to find a good woman, introduce her to your family, and start making preparations to marry her. Then if they bring overbearing demands, just tell them firmly that they can see you're preparing for your marriage.
Expect tantrums but leave them to throw as much as they can

But you also have to help them siblings by teaching them how to be responsible for themselves the way you did for yourself.... By the time you get married and start your own family, they should have learnt to fend for themselves.

I think that's the best way to get of this mess. Find a wife and start working towards marriage in the eyes of everyone. Don't hesitate because you don't have anything or any saving. Start the savings now and let them see what you're up to.
They're your family and while they may upset you so much, you can't really turn against them.

lightwhite:
Sorry dear, your pain is understandable. But be the better man.
I will advise you to put all these behind you, stop brooding and to find a good woman, introduce her to your family, and start making preparations to marry her. Then if they bring overbearing demands, just tell them firmly that they can see you're preparing for your marriage.
Expect tantrums but leave them to throw as much as they can

But you also have to help them siblings by teaching them how to be responsible for themselves the way you did for yourself.... By the time you get married and start your own family, they should have learnt to fend for themselves.

I think that's the best way to get of this mess. Find a wife and start working towards marriage in the eyes of everyone. Don't hesitate because you don't have anything or any saving. Start the savings now and let them see what you're up to.
They're your family and while they may upset you so much, you can't really turn against them.

No way so they can abuse and frustrate the woman abi? No, he should sort his family issues out by himself stop bringing women into dysfunctional situations and abandon them to suffer abuse and blood pressure

CanadianNaija:
You are such a victim! Your kind make me sick.

You have a problem, you’ve been given solution, yet you’re still here crying.

Don’t take charge of your life ok, keep coming back for the pity party.

You better not marry anybody in this your situation, before you and your people will come and kill somebody’s daughter.

Grow a fucking spine!

No, man, I don't see myself as a victim and I'm not here for pity party. The situation is just complicated. I agree that the best decision is for me to grow a thick skin and turn a blind eye to the plight of my family members as much as I can. I however fear that that will totally alienate me from them and I will be more or less a loner in this world.

I'll still take that difficult choice though.

Eketem:



No way so they can abuse and frustrate the woman abi? No, he should sort his family issues out by himself stop bringing women into dysfunctional situations and abandon them to suffer abuse and blood pressure

As much as I love to, I don't intend getting married any time soon. I've to put things in order first; that is if I ever can.

NoHoper:

No, man, I don't don't see myself as a victim and I'm not here for pity party. The situation is just complicated. I agree that the best decision is for me to grow a thick skin and turn a blind eye to the plight of my family members as much as I can. I however fear that that will totally alienate me from them and I will be more or less a loner in this world.

I'll still take that difficult choice though.

So what is the benefit of their holding you close? You are miserable and frustrated not to talk of not having any sort of growth, ignore them, send them a basic allowance, build your own future for a few years, it serves you better that they allienate you

I appreciate you all for your inputs.

Sharing this issue here gives me some relief (I haven't spoken to anyone in real life about this issue) and the advice I get here have been helpful.

I'm so grateful to you all.

NoHoper:

No, man, I don't don't see myself as a victim and I'm not here for pity party. The situation is just complicated. I agree that the best decision is for me to grow a thick skin and turn a blind eye to the plight of my family members as much as I can. I however fear that that will totally alienate me from them and I will be more or less a loner in this world.

I'll still take that difficult choice though.

If your family abandons you because of the money you can't give them, are you sure they can really be called family?
Are they your family only becasue of what they can get from you?
Can you count on them at all?
If that's the case, then you need another family. There's a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Being alone is not such a bad thing as you think. At one point or the other in our lives, we have to chart our own path ALONE.

Guy, you want me to be blunt with you? Grow up. Move out of the house if you are staying with them. Change your number . Change your church if need be. Give yourself a brand new start. If you have been supporting them before now, you should not feel guilty for concentrating on your life.

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurts and resentments. Loose that job and see that NOBODY cares about you. And at this rate, even when you marry, they will see your wife as the enemy standing between them and their bread. God forbid anything happens to you they will show her pepper.


I was in your Shoes a long time ago. I was the go-to guy for everything in the family until I got married and realised that I was better off cutting everybody off -at least for a few years. Later everyone came around and they now know their boundaries. When I say something is not available, it is not available. That is the way I got delivered.

There is no big deal to it. Don't try to explain to anyone. They will not understand. They do not need to understand.

@nohoper
Sometimes it feels good to vent and have a pity party ,it's totally alright but you deserve so much better, you deserve a life.

You need to make plans for yourself,you need a break and your own space away from them all .

You are getting older and cannot have a relationship?
Im guessing it's because your family situation is toxic and any lady you bring in will automatically become the devil in their eyes and you'll just start having problems at home.

One thing is clear,they are a thorn in your flesh at this point.Remove the thorn,go far away,change your phone number,just send a token once every month and remain incommunicado.

They will survive.

Alienate them and become free.

I bet you look older than your age..it's really sad.

I.wish you all the best

Take a loan to buy a land. If u no get money no one can force u