@Uju -

but obviouly people are judgeing her more than they would a man and that is sooo wrong!

This is a wrong assumption. Do check NL posts, and you will see that men are equally castigated for infidelity as much as women.

But also remember as been pointed out to you already, Men and Women are different, so even if they commit the same act, it CANNOT be seen as the same, as the consequences are different. In a mathematical or chemical equation, if you have two different variables (man/woman) and the same constant(infidelity), you cannot have the same ans in both equations, as the variables WILL not allow that. The ans will ALWAYS be different - hence a man cheating, cannot have the same reaction, consequences as a woman cheating.

Also, in case you forget, One consequence of a woman cheating is that it could result in a man bringing up another man's child as his own. It is well known that women DO pass off other men's children as that of their partner or husband. Sometimes, they do not even know! Quite a major consequence, don't you think? Because of this, it can NEVER be seen as the same; as it is NOT the same.

Saying this though, no one is attempting to excuse infidelity - Men or Women!

What the poster's wife did is a sacriledge (bringing in another man to her matriminial home), but if the poster has not sinned, let him be the first to cast the stone!

Now, this is simply outrageous. Because i have sinned, and i am a sinner, i have no right to castigate my wife over infidelity? That i saw with my own eyes? Wow!!!! That is a serious leap of logic!

Romeo4real:

@Uju -
This is a wrong assumption. Do check NL posts, and you will see that men are equally castigated for infidelity as much as women.

But also remember as been pointed out to you already, Men and Women are different, so even if they commit the same act, it CANNOT be seen as the same, as the consequences are different. In a mathematical or chemical equation, if you have two different variables (man/woman) and the same constant(infidelity), you cannot have the same ans in both equations, as the variables WILL not allow that. The ans will ALWAYS be different - hence a man cheating, cannot have the same reaction, consequences as a woman cheating.

Also, in case you forget, One consequence of a woman cheating is that it could result in a man bringing up another man's child as his own. It is well known that women DO pass off other men's children as that of their partner or husband. Sometimes, they do not even know! Quite a major consequence, don't you think? Because of this, it can NEVER be seen as the same; as it is NOT the same.

Saying this though, no one is attempting to excuse infidelity - Men or Women!

I'm not here to justify cheating in women so I wont try to point out the obvious bias in your post as will as the wrong conclusions you just made.

Cheating is wrong, pure and simple!

Romeo4real:

Now, this is simply outrageous. Because i have sinned, and i am a sinner, i have no right to castigate my wife over infidelity? That i saw with my own eyes? Wow!!!! That is a serious leap of logic!

Would you seriously look your wife and punish her for cheating when you are doing the exact same thing?

Would you seriously look your wife and punish her for cheating when you are doing the exact same thing?

Erm, you are jumping the gun here. Nowhere in the OP's post did he allude to "doing the same thing". - unless i missed it. Remember, we are having this discussion because of a specific set of incidents, rather that "general" going on's in Nigeria!

But also, going by your logic, no one should be punished for doing wrong; because we are all doing wrong! I hope you can see how that will not work - in a marriage, in an organisation, in a unit, in society; in fact anywhere. ANYONE who does wrong should accept the punishment for their actions. Simple.

Romeo4real:

Erm, you are jumping the gun here. Nowhere in the OP's post did he allude to "doing the same thing". - unless i missed it. Remember, we are having this discussion because of a specific set of incidents, rather that "general" going on's in Nigeria!

Of course. Which is why I said "but if the poster has not sinned, let him be the first to cast the stone"!  Please note that the keyword there is 'if'.

Personally, I'd suggest to the poster to kick her out if he has NEVER cheated on her, cos that's what I'd do!  

mutter:

Lady Dee
Culture is not silly. It is very imprtant and you will do well to hid it or at least put it into consideration.
This is not only about culture but also the law of natur. Go read your Bible you would see that the message is there too.
I advise you to get acquainted with being a woman, it takes more than just lipstick.

Most women think they are modern, equal etc but you just get all mixed up and end up unhappy.
A woman has no right to cheat on her husband just because he is doing the same, neither does his absence give her that right. If the woman is unhappy, or needs affection that does not give her reason either. She needs to remain faithful in her marriage.

Abeg spare me of that nonsense regarding culture!  
I know my own very well, so please drop that nonsense!

Its funny how people choose to use culture as their scapegoat for WRONG DOING when they pick and choose!
@ Mutter whether man or woman cheating from either end is WRONG, straight and simple, it is black and white, NO GREY AREA!!!

Lol, your living in a dreamworld my dear! So you say most woman think they are equal and modern but end up unhappy?
Interesting, times are changing but it seems your still stuck in the past and not quite catching up,
Why should there be double standards with regard to cheating?

Both male/female have no RIGHT to cheat on saying their wedding vows in the eyes of God, Simple!
Both should respect themselves.

chaircover:

Uju

You misunderstood me. I am not talking about the day to day “what a man can do etc . . . . . . . “ scenarios

I am referring to deep deep seated genetic & psychological differences between us.

I know. But these genes and psychology reflect/manifest is our day to day activities, in what what motivates us and in what drives us.

The poster hasn’t mentioned anything about him cheating, however, are you saying that if he had ever cheated on his wife (with or without being caught) it is mandatory that forgives his wife and takes her back?

I'm not saying it's madatory, but it would be hypicritical of him if he doesnt!

What's good for the goose is good for the gander . . . . right

Lady Dee,
Times are changing!! What exactly is changing.? I see no changes in the relationship between man and woman, at least no serious one. Modern laws and financial independece have given women an option
However a woman who does not perform in her role as a woman, i mean the duties of a wife that have been laid down from the beginning -how long does the marriage last or if it does how happy is it.
The only thing I see is that tere are more options. there are also more broken homes than before.

@Uju - going back to your previous ans to my post, do be aware, there is no bias; it is simply the explanation of THE situation.
Though Men and Women are both human beings, they are still DIFFERENT. They think different, they understand differently, they are emotionally different, physiologically different, psychologically different - Hence society (made up of men/women) treats them differently, and has different expectations of them. For this reason, you cannot add the same circumstance to 2 different things and expect to come out with the same answer. How difficult can that be to comprehend? And where exactly is the bias?

Its a bit like saying that as Apple and Orange are both fruits, so they are the same, hence my body will treat them as the same . They also have the same number of calories, same vitamins and nutrients. An elementary analogy, but you get my point.

chaircover:

Thats what I'm saying dear. It doesnt work like that and we may not like it, but that is the painful truth.

It's no truth chiarcover, it's the lie they tell us to keep us in their chains for life!      

Anyway, I know say na too much talk I dey do for here. I understand the whole Men/Women differences and what's acceptable in a man and not in a woman!

But I'm not gonna sit back and let any SOB cheat on me _{I have an AK47}      

Meanwhile @ Poster,

I'm truly sorry for what you are passing though and I hope you find a way to be happy in your home again!   _{Now that wasn't so hard!}  

mutter:

Lady Dee,
Times are changing!! What exactly is changing.? I see no changes in the relationship between man and woman, at least no serious one. Modern laws and financial independece have given women an option
However a woman who does not perform in her role as a woman, i mean the duties of a wife that have been laid down from the beginning -how long does the marriage last or if it does how happy is it.
The only thing I see is that tere are more options. there are also more broken homes than before.

Hmm, there are serious changes in relationships between man and woman,
Put aside modern laws and financial independance, like it or not gender roles are changing too and this is due to people being more modern and moving with the TIMES!

My father is my idol, he is a TYPICAL proud Igbo man,
I hardly saw my dad cook for my mother,
never seen him do any chores (his 3 daughters do that), his beliefs, morals and values are that of a typical cultured MAN during his time and it was down to his upbringing and surroundings,
My husband is the opposite of him, but still highly respects him for it!

Like it or not those womans duties your talking about are taken up by MEN now, im not talking abt my husband but ive seen too many examples where husband and wifes roles seem weird to me , But these couples have been together working in that manner happily into their OLD age,

mutter-

Lady Dee
My father was a typical ibo man too. I remember him bathing me as a little kid and helping in the house. He used to and still cooks occassionally because he loves it and he is over 70. He even washed the dishes sometimes. He was the one who taught me how to cook and do everything as a woman. But no matter how much he did, my mother always knew that it was her duty.
My husband helps me sometimes with the housework or cooks. I always thank him for evrything he does. He asks me sometimes why and I tell him because it is my duty and he is helpiing me. I love him so much for it because I know he only does it to relieve me. He does it happily because he knows I appreciate it and don`t take it for granted. However there are certain things I would never let him do.
Very often I really spoil him, tidy up real good the house, cook him something special and serve him his food in the real traditional way, help him take off his cloths and prepare for his bath. He loves that too and always asks me what is the special - I tell him I am prepariiing him for night duty
The more she submits to her husband and tries to please him the more the man loves her and has the urge to protect her and make her happy.

Some people on this forum like to drag discussions into different directions. Who cares which gender cheats more or blah blah blah. The OP is hurting and needs advice on what to do.

@OP, you have handled it well so far. I won't tell you to just divorce her because divorce is something that is easier said than done and it's clear that you really love your wife.

Take the time off and consider what you want to do but most importantly TALK to your wife. While you are away, you guys can just really open up about the issues you both have in the marriage. What she did was wrong. Period. Find out why she has been distant lately and if she is willing to work on the marriage. After that, you both have to make a conscious decision to fix the issues. It appears that distance is the biggest issue facing the two of you. Just be candid, honest and clear with your wife. Forget issues of pride. This is your life and your wife we are talking about here. Sincerity will get you a long way!!

mutter:

Lady Dee
My father was a typical ibo man too. I remember him bathing me as a little kid and helping in the house. He used to and still cooks occassionally because he loves it and he is over 70. He even washed the dishes sometimes. He was the one who taught me how to cook and do everything as a woman. But no matter how much he did, my mother always knew that it was her duty.
My husband helps me sometimes with the housework or cooks. I always thank him for evrything he does. He asks me sometimes why and I tell him because it is my duty and he is helpiing me. I love him so much for it because I know he only does it to relieve me. He does it happily because he knows I appreciate it and don`t take it for granted. However there are certain things I would never let him do.
Very often I really spoil him, tidy up real good the house, cook him something special and serve him his food in the real traditional way, help him take off his cloths and prepare for his bath. He loves that too and always asks me what is the special - I tell him I am prepariiing him for night duty
The more she submits to her husband and tries to please him the more the man loves her and has the urge to protect her and make her happy.

You know what, ?
I understand you perfectly but i think theres just a couple of things we may disagree on, so lets just agree to disagree, 
Your quite right with respect to submission and knowing how to please her husband and overall simple respect!
Overall, yes the OP's wife was straight wrong in her actions and it some how is more frowned upon when a woman does it,
since men are more likely and expected to stray and misbehave,

However, I will not dismiss her completely because of the mistake she made, 
Their may be underlying issues none of us know off, which could completely sway opinions on the issue,

Lady dee are you for real? seriously?

What do you mean he would have put his foot on the ground, we have alot of married couples living afar from each other and still stay faithful to eachother, how does his not bringing or forcing her to come over justify her cheating habits?

I am not an advocate for divorce but if it happens in this case, the dude is 100% on the track, why even stay married to this person when you know this image isnt going to leave your mind? why stay married when the trust is gone? Infact it takes God to make this man enjoy intimacy with this woman again, cos the first thing that creeps up his mind is "I wonder how this man gave it to her"

Is having a husband who is very understanding a crime? this man obviously gave his wife time to settle herself off in abuja before coming to lagos, they have been married only for a couple of months, what is his fault here?


I can't see it, show me

@those saying forgive and talk to her , its easier said than done, this is infidelity for heavens sake, this is adultery, opening your legs to another man whilst married and also treating your husband like sh.it, seriously we are all human beings, i wouldnt even look at my husband without giving him a knock over with my 6inches heel not to talk of sitting down and talking about it, goodness I am feeling very irritated right now

@mutter -

The more she submits to her husband and tries to please him the more the man loves her and has the urge to protect her and make her happy.

This statement here really encapsulates it all; though i hasten to add that both should be unconditional - according to the Bible.

jennykadry:

Lady dee are you for real? seriously?

What do you mean he would have put his foot on the ground, we have alot of married couples living afar from each other and still stay faithful to eachother, how does his not bringing or forcing her to come over justify her cheating habits?
I am not an advocate for divorce but if it happens in this case, the dude is 100% on the track, why even stay married to this person when you know this image isnt going to leave your mind? why stay married when the trust is gone? Infact it takes God to make this man enjoy intimacy with this woman again, cos the first thing that creeps up his mind is "I wonder how this man gave it to her"

Is having a husband who is very understanding a crime? this man obviously gave his wife time to settle herself off in abuja before coming to lagos, they have been married only for a couple of months, what is his fault here?


I can't see it, show me

@those saying forgive and talk to her , its easier said than done, this is infidelity for heavens sake, this is adultery, opening your legs to another man whilst married and also treating your husband like sh.it, seriously we are all human beings, i wouldnt even look at my husband without giving him a knock over with my 6inches heel not to talk of sitting down and talking about it, goodness I am feeling very irritated right now

You dont understand why i said that?
They were a NEWLY WEDDED COUPLE a time you cant get enough of each other!! if she was pussy footing around the idea of moving to him or vice versa, he as her HUSBAND should have taken the MANLY PLATE and taken immediate action,

he was being understanding by doing what? waiting for her to settle in Abuja? Why the hell should she be settling in abuja if her husband is in LAGOS,
Im not trying to imply if your separated its ok to cheat, NOT AT ALL!
Im saying to prevent unnecessary evils and avoid possible trouble ahead he should have put his foot down!
From experience and wise words from my Popsy living apart is NEVER a good idea especially with newly weds, thats straight walking into danger zone!!

Settle off in abuja i said , meaning get herself a transfer.

Distance especially for a short while shouldnt be a barrier, not when the other person is constantly visiting or keeping intouch. Him not bringing her or puting his manly plate like you said isnt even an excue, have you forgotten that this people have dated even b4 getting married and she's been in abuja half of the time before marriage? There is nothing like preventing un necessary evil, she was loose, she is a prostitute and as far as i am concerned distance isnt the cause of it, for all we care this relationship might have been going on even before they got married

She def cant eat her cake and have it, what else did she want? how else did she want it that she couldnt teach her husband, how did she feel opening her legs for another man?

Goodness this man has no blame, if they have been married for 2 yrs or even a year, ehen then i will ask him why he allowed her stay so far away, but this is just a few months married life

jennykadry:

Settle off in abuja i said , meaning get herself a transfer.

Distance especially for a short while shouldnt be a barrier, not when the other person is constantly visiting or keeping intouch. Him not bringing her or puting his manly plate like you said isnt even an excue, have you forgotten that this people have dated even b4 getting married and she's been in abuja half of the time before marriage? There is nothing like preventing un necessary evil, she was loose, she is a love-peddler and as far as i am concerned distance isnt the cause of it, for all we care this relationship might have been going on even before they got married

She def cant eat her cake and have it, what else did she want? how else did she want it that she couldnt teach her husband, how did she feel opening her legs for another man?

Goodness this man has no blame, if they have been married for 2 yrs or even a year, ehen then i will ask him why he allowed her stay so far away, but this is just a few months married life

Are you sure about that?
It seems to me that its when they were married 2 years that you can trust your wife completely and let her transfer to wherever in the world without being worried. But 2 months? I have always been told that the beginning of a marriage is very exciting but also very fragile, and its at this point that I would ask why you let her stay so far away. I think the first few months are extremely crucial.
Obviously I cannot blame the poster because an indisciplined person will always be an indisciplined person wherever he/she is. But as of yet , we don't know if she actually CHEATED on him. All I saw was that her head was on his lap. Maybe she was lying on the couch and her head was on his lap . . . .I think he might be overreacting a bit. Or maybe I don't fully understand the situation.

jennykadry:

Settle off in abuja i said , meaning get herself a transfer.

Distance especially for a short while shouldnt be a barrier, not when the other person is constantly visiting or keeping intouch. Him not bringing her or puting his manly plate like you said isnt even an excue, have you forgotten that this people have dated even b4 getting married and she's been in abuja half of the time before marriage? There is nothing like preventing un necessary evil, she was loose, she is a love-peddler and as far as i am concerned distance isnt the cause of it, for all we care this relationship might have been going on even before they got married

She def cant eat her cake and have it, what else did she want? how else did she want it that she couldnt teach her husband, how did she feel opening her legs for another man?

Goodness this man has no blame, if they have been married for 2 yrs or even a year, ehen then i will ask him why he allowed her stay so far away, but this is just a few months married life

Like i said before, we heard one side of the story but not the other so cant even start with the name calling toward to OP's Wife.
Im sure if we knew the other side, opinions may change,
In every situation you got to look at both sides, I still dont agree he has absolutly no blame at all,

There is nothing like preventing un necessary evil,

oh really,
prevention is NOT better than cure then, ?

IyaBasira:



Are you sure about that?
It seems to me that its when they were married 2 years that you can trust your wife completely and let her transfer to wherever in the world without being worried. But 2 months? I have always been told that the beginning of a marriage is very exciting but also very fragile, and its at this point that I would ask why you let her stay so far away. I think the first few months are extremely crucial.
Obviously I cannot blame the poster because an indisciplined person will always be an indisciplined person wherever he/she is. But as of yet , we don't know if she actually CHEATED on him. All I saw was that her head was on his lap. Maybe she was lying on the couch and her head was on his lap . . . .I think he might be overreacting a bit. Or maybe I don't fully understand the situation.

Get me right, if for the first two yrs they r still living apart then i will question him, this pple have dated for 5 good years and no denying intimacy has always been involved, she was still in abuja even after marriage, which i could relate with very well, probably cos she had to wait for the transfer and stuffs, but what i cant comprehend is why the cheating, if she isnt cheating why didnt she pick up his call when he was ringing her? oops the fone was on silent or what other excuse?

Yes no denying the first few months is crucial, but they were seeing eachother, he was going over and vice versa, i mean. . . . .

Lady Dee:

Like i said before, we heard one side of the story but not the other so cant even start with the name calling toward to OP's Wife.
Im sure if we knew the other side, opinions may change,
In every situation you got to look at both sides, I still dont agree he has absolutly no blame at all,

There is nothing like preventing un necessary evil,

oh really,
prevention is NOT better than cure then, ?

A slut will always be a slut, and enuff of all them one sided story, if so pls go and bring the partners of all the thread starters on this forum to talk their own side of the story, thats just an excuse, when it comes to a woman being the guilty one, some of us jump to her defence and thats when we ask for 2 sided story, na today?

Prevention even when the other person sint ready to get off it is as much worst even more terrible than cure.

IyaBasira:



Are you sure about that?
It seems to me that its when they were married 2 years that you can trust your wife completely and let her transfer to wherever in the world without being worried. But 2 months? I have always been told that the beginning of a marriage is very exciting but also very fragile, and its at this point that I would ask why you let her stay so far away. I think the first few months are extremely crucial.
Obviously I cannot blame the poster because an indisciplined person will always be an indisciplined person wherever he/she is. But as of yet , we don't know if she actually CHEATED on him. All I saw was that her head was on his lap. Maybe she was lying on the couch and her head was on his lap . . . .I think he might be overreacting a bit. Or maybe I don't fully understand the situation.

laps indeed!wetin her head dey do 4 another man's laps!when did laps turn 2 pillow?

jennykadry:

A slut will always be a slut, and enuff of all them one sided story, if so pls go and bring the partners of all the thread starters on this forum to talk their own side of the story, thats just an excuse, when it comes to a woman being the guilty one, some of us jump to her defence and thats when we ask for 2 sided story, na today?

Prevention even when the other person sint ready to get off it is as much worst even more terrible than cure.

LMAO! Not an excuse, just a FAIR observation, like I said if the story is true, you throwing INSULTS with regard to someone wife is not on.
Furthermore, I HATE assumptions and people who talk carelessly, I have not defended his wifes actions at all,

dude, ur story is pretty sad.

bt, i dont believe al dose calls for a divorce, it does not work dat way.

betrayal is bad enof, most pple face this ugly ting at one point in time in their married life, its only sad ur's happened dis fast.

one ting i know, u dont ave to trust her or even love her immediately, u definately need to heal, n atleast u've demanded she quits her job, dats gud enof. Trust, love n respect are 3things she has to work extremely hard to earn from you.

i commend you for not involving any family member, its d right choice to have made. Just ensure that you both are on d same page henceforth.

wishing u all d best as ur strive to save ur marriage.

Romeo4real and mutter for me are the best contributors to this thread. They are very frank and matured. I think we should all look deeply into their contributions.The concept of the society on married couple is clear. The woman builds her home in the midst of challenges whether they be husbands or children. The home as it where is hers. The society vehemently abhors adultery in women but silently do the same for men. It dated back to the days of Jesus. A woman was caught in adultery and brought to Him but nothing was heard of the man. A woman naturally is not inclined to commit adultery but ofcourse same cannot be said of the man. My take is, let us all strive to keep the bed holy. Man or woman. Let somebody shout halelujah!!!

I still cannot phantom why during courtship people deceive each other. I feel sorry for what you are going through, rather than put yourself into this kind of jeopardy divorce her.

It's not so hard to understand this woman.
She was married but never got what she could call a matrimonial home, married but living like a single. If the husband would not sacrifice one of their jobs to offer her the home and care she deserved, why would she not act like an abandoned lady no matter how much they talk over the phone? She was second, their jobs were first, that's how she might have read the situation.

Wouldn't the husband offer her some kind of pride? Some home she can call theirs? She never even had a honeymoon! He seems a careful husband but i can't get how he just missed this first delicate period of their marital life.

Well, poster, you look a wise man, up to you to correct your mistakes. Apologize to each other, and i know you both will definately make it.