@adaybola, thanks for the honst story a lot of girls would not admit to such. I've always been one to maintain that you are where you are because of the decisions you make, therefore regret nothing. There's always two possible outcomes in the decisions we make and that is it will either work out or it may not. Whats important is that Whatever the outcome be prepared.

You did nothing wrong leaving him otherwise I believe you wouldnt have seen the beauty in him anyway. He was going to be that guy who constantly tries to please you which in the end he would have grown resentful of it. Who knows you would have been the cheating wife, which by the lines in your post it tells me that's not who you are. Meaning this relationship could have brought out the worst in you.

What you should learn from this is that, he came into your life to teach you to appreciate people in a deeper sense. Not a bad lesson at all. You dont know the reasons why they had an attraction to each other and why they decided to get married.

Just because your search is not yielding the best results it doesnt mean your match will not come. Maybe this is happening so that when he comes you can then appreciate him more and better. Bless yourself and see what happens.

@SA Lady,

thanks sis, u r right. If i should get an opportunity to get a man like my ex again. , i will definitely do it right!

@adaybola.
That's life-we live and learn i guess.

don't u ever make such a mistake, or else u will end u having a peaceless home for the rest of ur life

so Marry whom u love and not the person that loves u

adaybola:

Pls pardon the long story, I just want u to get my points. I had a similar experience, my first b/f was so crazy about me that he worshipped the ground I walked on. The problem was, I just couldn't love him cuz of his look (he’s not ugly but not just hot enough "in my estimation". I tot I was too beautiful to be his. I cared about him and appreciated him but try as I could, I just couldn't love him. I told him I didn't love him but he kept telling me I would with time. After 5 years and still feeling the same way, I couldn't go on with the relationship. In fact, to make him break up with him I cheated on him (the most despicable thing I’ve ever done). He caught me, forgave me and was still willing to move on with me (he proposed) and I tot he was silly. Eventually I left him five years ago. Now, I realized I was just immature and chasing shadows. I actually wanted a hot looking man, comfortable, romantic, perfect, lol!!! So silly rite? After several relationships, I saw reality and I realized I didn’t love him cuz I didn’t want to. Am 5”6, he’s 5”7 and I love tall guys. The other guys I dated were fine alrite, hot bods and all that stuff but they made me taste hell (heartbroken, over and over again) I went back to my ex three years ago but, it was too late. He found someone better and finer than me, he currently works in the oil and gas sector, (he’s so fine I could hardly recognize him). Fortunately, he's happily married now with the said lady and very comfortable. I envy his wife. Well, am still single (trying to be happy) but I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I could have loved him if I had tried to see his inner beauty.  Pls think carefully, “atimes the things we chase in life is like shimmers in the pond”.

Interesting story. However, it seemed you didn't really know what you wanted while you were with the guy. Maybe it had to do with your age - girls tend to be superficial when they're young. Your case doesn't apply to all females in the same situation, depends on your reasons for not loving the guy, really. And no, you can't try to love someone, it just happens. When you have to put so much energy, then the feelings probably aren't there.

Some people would have moved on from their ex like you did and never come back because they had valid reasons for doing so and knew what they wanted in a partner besides the superficial stuff.

Like I've told the poster earlier, she should go ahead if she even loves him a tiny bit. If not, no amount of trying would work. Just regret in the long run.

chiogo:

Interesting story. However, it seemed you didn't really know what you wanted while you were with the guy. Maybe it has to do with your age - girls tend to be superficial when they're young. Your case doesn't apply to all females in the same situation, depends on your reasons for not loving the guy, really. And no, you can't try to love someone, it just happens. When you have to put so much energy, then the feelings probably aren't there.

Some people would have moved on from their ex like you did and never come back because they had valid reasons for doing so and knew what they wanted in a partner besides the superficial stuff.

You are right to an extent but it seems you don't understand me.  If i may ask, is leaving someone who loves you with their whole heart and are always there for you no matter what for a silly fantasy of "tall-handsome-comfortable-romantic and perfect man" makes sense to you? I didn't love him cuz i was looking at all the wrong qualities. I liked him a lot, i enjoyed the intimacy we had, i enjoyed his company but "he just wasn't attractive enough"! Is that a valid reason to end a relationship that was so great?? Or because of some silly fantasy? 


Yes and yes, you can fall in love with someone overtime, if only we can try to see the good qualities in them. Respect begets love and love grows over time.

All am telling her is to be careful and search herself and have a good reason for ending what she has now. Atimes, we don’t appreciate what we have until we loose it cuz most times we keep searching for “whatever we believe will make us happy” we never seem to realized that we had it all along. As the Yorubas will say “nkan ti a wa lo si Sokoto, o nbe ni inu sokoto wa” .

@
OP, please be sincere nd kindly let us know why you can't just love him, we know quite well that d reason is best known to you. No doubt, you are in dilemma, but i say be practical to enable you handle it with ease,

AS 4 UR QUES;

A man should marry whom he loves.
A gal should marry who loves them

In African society, while the reverse should be d case in western world where there are more strict laws that protect the women in marriage.

@Adaybola Thanks for your contribution and honesty

sorry,
i mean a gal should marry who loves her.

@
Adaybola, u are making a whole lot of sense. wish i could reach you.

rubi:

@Adaybola Thanks for your contribution and honesty

My pleasure

Moralistli:

sorry,
i mean a gal should marry who loves her.

@
Adaybola, u are making a whole lot of sense. wish i could reach you.

Drop ur email, will add yu on messenger.

There's nothing wrong in leaving someone-if deep down within you know it won't work out. Since that initial doubt has already set in-it's more likely than not to grow.

adaybola:

I liked him a lot, i enjoyed the intimacy we had, i enjoyed his company but "he just wasn't attractive enough"! Is that a valid reason to end a relationship that was so great?? Or because of some silly fantasy? 

No, it's not a valid reason. I understand you. That's the superficial thing I talked about; you had a superficial reason for leaving him. The poster never mentioned it was based on looks so I don't know her own reasons but yes, she should evaluate her reasons well before deciding to end the relationship.

adaybola:

Yes and yes, you can fall in love with someone overtime, if only we can try to see the good qualities in them. Respect begets love and love grows over time.

True. But after you give it all the time and there's still no feeling of love, it's no use trying to love the person. Love is not something you force yourself to do, it should come naturally.

adaybola:

All am telling her is to be careful and search herself and have a good reason for ending what she has now. Atimes, we don’t appreciate what we have until we loose it cuz most times we keep searching for “whatever we believe will make us happy” we never seem to realized that we had it all along. As the Yorubas will say “nkan ti a wa lo si Sokoto, o nbe ni inu sokoto wa” .

Yes, you're right. We're saying the same thing, that's exactly what I was saying. She needs to have a very good reason and be absolutely sure marriage won't be a great decision. If there's even a tiny bit of a feeling of love then yes, she should try and work it through.

Some men/women have potentials in them but circumstances are holding it which will manifest/come out later in life then think twice before you quit but if it is just I love you lets go and have dinner some where so as to cool off no prospect at all in life then count me out

@,,,,,,

Here is it: (cdocuman@yahoo.com) Just add n' buzz, and i 'll join u in a jiffy.

@ poster, let me correct one impression concerning love u re saying, nothing like love in a relationship, what we go for is choice. When u see ur choice the love will grow and grow stronger. In a nutshell,  this gentle man is not your choice in one reason or the other.

U better look for ur choice, so u will not regret at the end of ur marriage. U can risk everything in life, but u can't risk marriage.

these are the things u need to consider in a relationship:

1. Choice: is this person is a kind of person u want in ur life?

2. Love: is this person love u as u love him/her?

3: Understanding: do we both understand each other?


sorry time does not permit me to expatiate further.

Big sis. b very careful as u make ur decision. probably u saw someone that u like or love ur love degenerated), that is why u're mking this decision.
life is all about taking risk. so go ahead with the present relationship but if u don't, the other guy might b the person u'll regret in ur entire life.

Also put everything in prayer as u make ur decision, cheers.

NEVER MARRY THE PERSON YOU DO NOT LOVE AND YOU KNOW YOU WILL NOT LOVE.

Marriage is better, healthier and safer between a couple in love or who love each other.

mariage de convenance has done humankind more harm than good.

Agibecky:

NEVER MARRY THE PERSON YOU DO NOT LOVE AND YOU KNOW YOU WILL NOT LOVE.

Marriage is better, healthier and safer between a couple in love or who love each other.

mariage de convenance has done humankind more harm than good.

Thank you for this.I hope a lot of people take heed of the embolded line. Then perhaps a lot of married people will stay together forever in peace, and that the single people will realize that there's nothing wrong with their singlehood. Its all a matter of being with the one you are most comfortable with, either alone till you find the one and that is if you are looking or with someone you could find when it all makes sense.

I dont know who f*^#d up this world making people belive that marriage is the end all and be all of your life. Today marriage is being treated like something of a conquest. While on the other hand I'd like to belive that inner peace, contemptment, goodness and kindness should be the quest for human kind, and wherever you find it so be your happy life.

@cant-c-me,pls stop jumpin at conclusions n mind d language u use on dis forum.i think u ar matured enof to know hw to address pple witout offendin dem wit ur words n if u dont hav any sensible advice to offer,y dont u keep ur razorsharp-mouth up!On a lighter 10ks to u all 4 ur contributions.

Person that loves you. They wont hurt you.