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FOOD IS Ready(a Short Story) by adeife19(m): 9:46am On Oct 21, 2018 |
*(Light dims, curtain opens)*
It all starts with one of ma friends
He had spent almost two
semesters, Chasing and hunting down dis
particular girl,
But no service mein!!!!
She just felt my friend was not
good enough for her
or maybe something else, because any move he
was making was yielding no
results…
He took it from all d modern
known means,
Down to ancient methods. writing perfumed letters, folded
in a heart shape….
Sending flowers with notes,
Bribing her friends to keep
chocolates and various
other goodies under her pillow… Wetin remain sef
Na to stand for her room window
for night,
Throw stone…den when she come
outside
He begins singing with a romantic band he He begins singing with a
romantic band he must
have put together
Which of course will be comprised
of me and some
other junkies…. But as e be say We no sabi sing
and all,~ ~
We made sure he stuck to all he
had been doing…
abeg!! We no want wahala…
Beht Girls eh!!!! Kai!!! Dat my guy suffer ahn!!
Ahn!!.
Phone calls….
Text messages
Recharge cards…which d gal neva
accepted instead sef on one ocassion she send am
back plus extra
ontop…. check out na…
Even me sef follow dey compose
poems give am.
Inshort let’s just say that it was a collective effort by all of us…
To make sure say….
she dey mad?…she must gree
joor!!!!
But I must say….
D girl fine sha… If you see shape eh….choi!!!
She set pass mathset…..
Her English na die….
Few people live after hearing it (e
be like say na
God teach am specially) Walking step na mental….
Fit put u for yaba Left….
Smile na heiiiiiiiiiiii!!!
Eyes na hypertension
staring at it na at owners risk…
And she come know say she fine…
So d shakara na highest…
Beht eh After months of toasting
Incessant fasting…(cos d idiot don
spend most of
him money finish…and our money too…)
And Countless praying….
The Lord answered his/our
prayer….
Igbo woman’s voice:Umu
chineke eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii The Lorttt is gooooooodtttt…….
I say the Lordtttt isi gooooodttt
ooooo….
Hmmmmmmm
She agreed….
And we also found out that she had long been liking
him.
She just wanted to make a brova
sweat.
Y girls Y do y’all do dis Just
tell me y? I remember d day our tell me y? I remember d day our
man
brought d news
We went to eismann (a prominent
bar in school) to
celebrate. Popped drinks, poured on him.
People wen see us go think say
dem don award us
contract…
Smh shey ? Yeah we know.
The dating started My friend was of bestest (allow
me pls) behaviour.
Him no wan hear story Say bird
born four children
nine come die.
And we understood his plight. His ranking in school also
increased…
As per dater of arguably d
prettiest gal in skool.
D gal sef she sabi grab attention.
She Holds his hands in school. gives him pda (public display of
affection)
Eiyaaa!!!!
we were so all happy for them
It was all so romantic **brings
out handkerchief** So touching **sniffs** So
So…OMG!!!!
Now am gettin all emotional and I
wanna cry
My man was in love **bursts into
tears** LoL Omo I must mention that d pda
dey reach us too.
So yeah!!!! We were happy for
him…..
Like really really happy…. Then
at last…. She decides to come n spend d
night…
Omo mein!!!!
If u see preparation ehhn
Environmental sanitation for d
room like say na last saturday of the month…
air freshner: check!!!
Washed white toilets(lmao):
check!!
Full generator tank incase nepa
misbehave: double check!!!
Ehhmmm lemme see anything
else?
U know every na…let’s just say
Our room was ready to receive
princess diana Brrrrrrroom!!!
D bike stopped…
She enter the compound
My friend went out to receive her
See eyes from our lodge people.
And d babe sha sabi handle attention
She first give my man better hug
and peck 1st
When she came inside d house,
she gave us our own hug too sha
without peck though…
But 'nodding' dat was *over
okay* for us..
And there we where….
Watching film away and bidding
time before we exile…(u knw hw it works shey?
Naughty u )
From nowhere…
an unexpected question came up…
She was like “guys have u
eaten” We first look our man to know
whether dis na d exit
question
And he was like yes but …..
She cut in and said she wanted to
cook… I think to impress my guy
Cos he was a huge fan of girls that
could cook.
Ehn!!!
Girl fine like dis Come sabi cook….
No tell me… u tell me… is it not d Lord’s doing?
I was almost tempted to ask I
was almost tempted to ask her
if she had a
sister… She stood up
Went to our stocked up kitchen (we prepare wella
for dat side too mein nothing must
be left to
chance) And started bringing
stuffs out
ready to cook… “One more thing guys, pls leave
d room I want to
surprise y’all”
Her rating in my books was
leaving hundred and
entering about 2million…. We all left including our man….
Baba oooooo!!!
Chairman!!!
Father!!!!!! All these and more we
were
hailing d boy I was lying flat on the ground
Another guy was fanning him
And d last guy was touching his
head with our guy’s hand and
shouting “master bless
me… teach thy servant thy ways that I mayest
prosper”
“That withersoever I goest…. I
shall be a fisher of women…
pretty women such as
thou art with …. bless me… I pray thee.. O thou
great king”
We were sha catching fun….
Laughing and teasing our man
Dancing round him
And salivating already from the aroma of the food
we were perceiving
Today na today….
Knock knock “Guys *food is
ready”….*
Choi!!!!!! She was about to serve the food
But there was not enough
drinking water…
And so I ran downstairs to buy
some before the
woman closed How many she asked…
Madam gimme 10packs I said….
Zoom
I reach upstairs back…. Handed
over the water
Sat down, comot shirt…. sniffed d air…
Kai!!!!
Dis food go be die,
The aroma na die, The
arrangement of the food
highest… She served us in trays…
Egusi soup and better hot eba….
I took my time and prayed….(oh
Faada) Thanked God for a day like
dis
Appreciated him for d food While rememberin that some can
eat but have no
food…
Blessed d union of our friends All
d while breathing and taking
in the smell of the food….
Oya na leggooooo
I put hand,
Cut the eba…. Roll am to my size…
Rub am for the soup
Then put am for mouth….. *GHEN GHEN*
*GHEN GHEN GHEN*(c’mon na…
for *Uncle Stephen* story, na im
action no go
dey?? No nah…e
go be f**k up nah) Something was wrong
My mouth was on fire….
“Uhmmmmmm” I screamed….
“Wetin” d oda of ma friend
asked
“u neva chop sweet food before *Stevo*?
No dey shout like fool”
“Nothing o no vex u chop na…
before I finish d
sweet food”
Thief boy Cut very big eba… rub am well
well inside d soup
And as e dey hot like dat e put am
4 mouth
“Eiiiiiiii!!!” He screamed…..
“Wetin, dey chop na, abi u sef neva chop sweet
food”
“What is it” d girl asked…
“Nothing o, sista nothing” we
both chorused
While drinking a sizeable amout of water...
Omo eh!!!
Everything was wrong with that
food
It just did not taste right…
And worst of all e come be like say she karri all d
pepper for dis life put inside…
Omo we wia done for... So there
we were
Setting fire to our mouth
Killing our taste buds Drinking water like mad
And yet hailing the girl for her
wonderful culinary skills…
Uhmmmm!!!!
Ahhhhhh!!!
“How is d food” she would ask “Fantastic, inshort av neva
tasted anything like dis in my life
before”
And she was blushing…
I dint understand how a food dat
smelt so good ended up like dis…
But we continued eating Tears
filled ma eyes
D girl was laughing and telling her
boyfriend how
much of a tremendous actór I was Cos she was interpreting them as
tears of joy. Each swallow(Oh
Luurrd)
Was hard and tough…
D water don dey finish
So we had to manage it seriously…
Omo mein e wasn’t easy… Kai…
Even peppersoup would not have
as much pepper
as dat food dat day
We don manage dey finish am… And she was like “lemme get u
guys more”
Ehn!!!
More?
Who she wan kill….
I was tempted to lie down on the rug and beg her that it was okay
Dat in whatever way we had
wronged her
She should forgivShe should
forgive us
Dis was a wrong way to die…. Then it was turn for my friend to
eat….
Omo mein…
And him sef neva sabi wassap….
We just had to F him up
And we suggested she feed him….. Unto romantic things and
all…
Mumu boy sef as d gal go kitchen
go bring him
own
Dey hail us say our sugeestion make sense… Just a few minutes
and dat would
change.
Food set…
She wash hand
Cut eba…. rub am well for d soup Mumu open mouth wide…. Dem
put am inside
And d reaction was instant….
Uhmmmm!!!
Uhmmmm!!
Uhmmmm!!!! “O boy see say ur babe dey
cook” I asked.
“Honey dis is wonderful…. kai
gimme more please”
He replied
Encouraged by this… She increased the frequency of
feeding as well as
the size of the balls…..
Each swallow was accompanied
with a praise for d
food or “baby gimme more I like how ya feeding me”
A smile hiding the real feeling.
It was a classic case of fela’s
suffering and smiling
Omo my guy eye dey red
And water don almost dey finish I swear small thing him for don
dey cry
And e be like say d eba no dey
finish…
We were there enjoying the scene
With our own mouth open… to allow air in and
reduce the effect of our peppered
lips….
At last d eba finished
And of course na, more was not
an option… He just escorted us outside
While d chick cleared up…..
My guy reach d other room lie
down for ground
Drink better water…. den carry
big handfan wan blow him lips comot….
The other of my friend was so
pained that he
attacked him….
“Shebi u see ur life, u for talk
say we no want, now see wetin u done do us”
“Shatap der u for talk no”
And it was fire for fire
While I was laffin wit my sour
mouth as usual.
Till my friend slowly and sadly went back to other
room….
We just lie down,
Open mouth sleep….
Under fan for that matter
Ehn, if mosquito like enta our mouth, no P.
But how we were feeling
Kai… even as I’m writing now
my lips and mouth
don dey hot….
The next morning Our mouth pain don reduce
Only for d door to open and we
heard her voice
saying
“Food is ready guys… u’ll love
it" No way mein… I had to have an impromptu test
that morning
The other guy had to go and see
someone
important too And d last guy was our man |
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