1. The President is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2. Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but please leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

3. Hi, this is [your name]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [your name] receives it promptly.

4. This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5. Hi. Now you say something.

6. This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

7. [Your name]'s palace of pleasure. If you are a woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man, hang up the phone and don't call back