If you ask people what “the key to making a relationship last” is, one of the most common answers you’ll get is:
“Communication.”
(That, as well as “trust,” or “respect,” or whatever…)
But the thing is…
“Communication” is not the secret
And whoever thinks it is needs to do a real gut-check on this one.
Folks who think this do so because they struggle with it. They struggle with emotional boundaries — what’s theirs, what’s their partner’s, what they should own, what their partner is to blame for. They think “sharing” is the same as “solving,” as though “talking about it” means things are going to be “fixed.” They also struggle with anxiety and passive-aggressiveness — especially when, shocker, “communication” alone doesn’t work.
And, yeah, a point of personal growth for them is definitely “communication.”
But that doesn’t make “communication” the key to a lasting relationship.
“Communication” gets you statements like:
“I truly and deeply loathe you sometimes”
“There are moments I regret marrying you”
“I have sexual fantasies about your best friend”
“I sometimes I think about cheating on you”
…etc.
Which may seem like an exaggeration. But it’s not far from:
“I need ___”
“I want ___”
“I feel __ ”
“You make me feel___”
If you’re thinking: “what’s wrong with the second set?”The same thing that’s wrong with the first set: it’s poor emotional boundaries.
I know “experts” everywhere say that “communication” is the solution, but it’s not. And sure, if you struggle to share, or get passive aggressive, then yeah, work on that — but as a “you” thing. Not as “the secret” to making a relationship work. Because sharing is great, but relationships are about much more than handing off our feelings, wants and needs to our partners.
If you’re thinking: “uh… I would definitely want to know the first set!”Sweetie. no you would not. All of it is super common, and saying it out loud causes more problems than it solves. It’s not our partner’s problem. It’s not even really ours. It’s just a reality for us to handle and move through.
So. Beyond “communication”…
Depending on what you want out of a relationship, you have two options:
OPTION 1: A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, WHILE IT LASTS
— however long that is.
This is you if: you’re not necessarily hellbent on staying together “til death do you part.” You understand that people change, and needs and wants and values change, so relationships change and, either upfront or deep down inside, you’re okay with that. You just want it to be good in the meantime.
Okay. Fine. Respect.
But. This is also you if: you think staying together “forever” means “you’ll always feel exactly the same.”
If you’re the sort of person who insists on defining “love” as a “feeling” rather than a “choice,” then you are, in fact, also exactly the sort of person who intends to stay together only for as long as that lasts.
(And that’s what this post is about.)
But either way, here’s how to do “Option 1” and make it good while it lasts:
Develop (Your Own) Emotional Maturity
This includes other words people use to describe a good partner: kind, respectful, trustworthy, honest. (As one person put it: “reasonable and rational and not selfish or petty.”)
Uh, yeah… “emotionally mature.” Y’all mean “emotionally mature.”
But it’s not just about finding someone who is — because we don’t control other people.
Source:perezsites..com