thank you all for your advice, didnt know am playing the victim role anyway.I was only saying what i ve seen go wrong 
@luap,thanks for your advice

Pinkie, ever since your husband has been acting this way, what ideas have popped out of your mind? yes you would have thought off some way to stop all these, you would hnave thought of things you'll like to do.

What thoughts have crossed your mind?

@jenny ,to answer your question sincerely,i think i ve thought about more negative than positive things, the ideas and thoughts that ve crossed my mind are

my thoughts:
a.ve i contributed to what is happening in anyway?why is it happening?do i deserve this?why is the marriage  really not like a husband and wife relationship?why doesnt he desire me anymore?.wat do i do to make things better?wishing that i had a  Job and financial indepence
To work on my confidence and self esteem,to confront my hus and and also to talk to him on the issues i ve noticed and the rship in general,to make an all round improvement on myself, to increase my communication with him,to start initiating intimacy

this is it in summary really. . am i on the right track ?
@ chaircover,you re right, i know n one is perfect, i want to get my marriage on track and know that no one will do it for me .I intend to ask him about it .thank you all for your advice

any ideas on how to deal with someone who s always defensive and proud to admit and say sorry will be welcome

thank you all

@ Pinkielove,


You need to break away from this victim mentality and pity party you are having for yourself. Marriage is not a bed of roses and I can tell you that your marriage can and will only be what you make of it.

Everyman has his ego and his pride but it takes a God-fearing and a truly responsive man to admit his wrong doing (no man naturally wants to do this). However, having studied your hubby and known his person,you would be able to know how best to communicate your grievances. From what i sense in your posts, you and your hubby do very little of quality conversations. This would have helped build up your friendship not to even talk of love for one another.

Also, I noticed in one of your previous posts that your husband has been married before and divorced. In order words, that makes you a second wife. Did you know this before marrying him? Have you bothered to find out what circumstances led to his marriage break? The reason why I ask is so as to avoid the same kind of pitfalls and learn from it.

Are you Christians? Do you attend church service together? Try and get engaged in church activities as this will help take your mind away from the home front a little and you will also get some more comfort building friendships with people.

You are young and have a whole lifetime ahead of you so please try to get a good grip of your emotions. You need to be strong emotionally, physically, psychologically and mentally for yourself and for your kid.

It is well!

jumie:

@ Pinkielove,


You need to break away from this victim mentality and pity party you are having for yourself. Marriage is not a bed of roses and I can tell you that your marriage can and will only be what you make of it.

Thank you. If you go through some of her posts all she does is talk about how hurt she is and what the man has done to her, why she does not deserves it bla bla bla, even her topic heading says it all


@Pinkie

When thses thoughts creep up your mind, did you ever discuss it with him?

@pinkielove,

You need serious help and I think you could also do with a friend! Email me at seyi@seyibrown.com so we can exchange phone numbers. We need to act fast about your predicament. We'll talk about the rest on phone. I'm happy to phone you if you can't phone me.

Please post on here to say you have sent your number, giving only the last two digits of the phone number you put in your email, so I can know it's you.

I really really want to help!

Take kia.

pinkielove:

any ideas on how to deal with someone who s always defensive and proud to admit and say sorry will be welcome

It's called the Karpman drama triangle.  You and hubsband are playing two roles of the triangle, victim and perpertrator.   It goes back and forth, you two will be switching roles cause eventually you'll feel victimized, so he will end up being the perp and you the vic.  Later you start feeling resentment and you become the perp and he the vic. 
Best way to avoid the roles of the drama triangle is to recognize when you are going to be snarred in this cycle.  When you see it avoid it.  Try giving a non responsive response to his objections. 
husband vic will prob say something like, "You don't trust me, ect."  Your non response should be validation, but come back to your own needs of understanding where the stain has come from.  Non response is saying something like,"Yeah, in this case I do not trust, so I just want to know for my own sake."  When you validate you repeat back what he said, It usually shuts people up and gets them moving to solutions.

My dear poster you really have take control of yourself.
If you do not love and appreciate yourself no man can love you.
When a man comes home from work he wants to meet a cheerful wife who is happy and can make him forget the days stress.
Stop talking about intimacy do it . Put on sexy cloths when he comes home and just learn to play gf or mistress.
Stop controlling his pants that is absurd.
Besides as a married woman you should be able to confront him about it.
You need to stop circulating your life totally around him. Get a job even if it has to be a part time job and engage yourself in activities like with the church.
That would help you to give your life some other fufillment

@all,i confronted my hus quietly yest evening and told him what i ve noticed and showed him the pant.he told me that sometimes when a man urinates ,some drops of semen could stain his pant that it normallyhappens that he doesnt even know about what i ve noticed.I knew what he said didnt add up but i didnt push it.later i noticed his mood change and cos i know its cos of what i asked him,i went to him and told him that i feel i may ve hurt his feelings with my question but that i was confused bout what i saw and he asked me why i asked him the question and i told him it doesnt seem normal and thats why i want to know what its all about.these were what he said to me without shouting:this tells me again dat you dont know me,i hate being questioned and if u must ,then you need to ve your facts clear,i close from work to come back and stay with you and am welcomed with the suspicion that perhaps i veers off from work to go elsewhere,that am trying to destroy the arcade of trust that is left in the rship,that i ve a deep problem that only me and prayers will help me,that i ve too much much time in my hands so that i should start looking for a job that he cant babysit me forever,that i should forget bout the craps i watch in programmes,that if this sort of thing happens again that we ll ve serious trouble that he ll not talk at all and that he ll be so far away from me that it ll be hard for me to bring him back(like actually being together but alone at the same time)that if i feel insecure i should bear the burden alone in my heart,that at first when i asked him the quest,he didnt read any meaning to it but that he then started wondering why i had to ask him that sort of question,that each time he tries to do things over and above,i bring problem.(my asking him stin that may need explanation,he sees as hinging on trust  )
yet again,I told him i was sorry that my quest.hurt his feelings,that i didnt mean to put a strain on our rship and that i want us to be really happy.hmmmm, we didnt chat again like we used to.this morning after he prepard for work,i told him i felt insecure bout whhat i noticed and thats why i asked him bout it and he told me that he ll not accept any reason for my asking him such question,that since he broughht me into his house that all i ve done is ruin his happiness,that he ll just move on with what is left of his life.Itold him am sorry and he just left.this has always been the pattern of any issue i raise, hmmm, back to square 1, ?I pray not, all my efforts into the wind.hes still unhappy, I need to get us back on track.any advice on what to do next?
@mutter an luap,thanks for your advice.

@poster

WTF !!!

You were checking your husband undies for semen stains and smell 

How low can a wife go

I can excuse checking phone records and text messages but checking his undies  and you had the balls to confront him and tell him what you have been up to 

you had better think of a strategy for serious damage control cos IMHO you have used your own hands to wreck your marriage.

if you are suspecting your man of unfaithfulness, you walk up to him and tell him of your fears but leave out the gory details of checking undies for semen stains 

pinkielove:

@all,i confronted my hus quietly yest evening and told him what i ve noticed and showed him the pant.

KAI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you even showed him the pant 

if i try that with the man i am with, i am packing my bags out of his house to ijebu that very minute 

seriously, you need some serious talking to on how to wriggle yourself out of this mess.

maybe chaircover  might be willing to offer you some useful tips cos this one pass me oh 

***kneels down in prayer***
God in heaven,God above,plz dnt ever let my sista Pinkie's husband ever get to c ths thread.If he does,father,there'l be one more murder case 2deal with. Grant me ths request IJN - amen!

@topic,u really hurt ur husband,though I dnt knw wht strategy u'l introduce 2get bk 2him

***kneels down in prayer***
God in heaven,God above,plz dnt ever let my sista Pinkie's husband ever get to c ths thread.If he does,father,there'l be one more murder case 2deal with. Grant me ths request IJN - amen!

@topic,u really hurt ur husband,though I dnt knw wht strategy u'l introduce 2get bk 2him

.

@poster

pity am just seeing this.
am shocked that some people suggested you confront your husband and show him the undies and you went ahead and did so.

a relationship/marriage with a man that is:
1) about 40yrs old
2) previously married with kids
3) a 13yrs age difference

comes with its added challenges and you have to be really strong, mature, smart and wise to deal with them.

the way you are going about this relationship is just not the right way to go.

BTW: are you a full time, 'stay at home' mum?
have you considered getting a job or acquiring another degree to keep yourself busy?

@ poster

this is really a serious matter, u dont have to do whatu are been told here cos you know your husband better

than we unless u want make matter worst that's if u haven't.

kneel and pray to God abt this. cos i see disaster

@pinkielove,

You need serious help and I think you could also do with a friend! Email me at seyi@seyibrown.com so we can exchange phone numbers. We need to act fast about your predicament. We'll talk about the rest on phone. I'm happy to phone you if you can't phone me.

Please post on here to say you have sent your number, giving only the last two digits of the phone number you put in your email, so I can know it's you.

I really really want to help!

Take kia.

Reposted just in case you missed it. Waiting for your email!

:/

ermmm. . . . chaircover, so you are in support of her actions: showing her husband his wet boxers

not trying to be personal, but would your husband like it if he knows you have been checking the ''dampness'' of his underwear everytime he returns back from work

sometimes, i think when giving advice, we should put ourselves in the posters shoes.

there are ways of tackling an unfaithful partner and getting him to fall in love with you all over again but i sincerely think the lady's actions has done more harm than good.

She has taken a step to address the issue and to let the man know she is not a doll.

one out of 2 things might happen
1. The man might be cheating and try to defend himself anyway anyhow. He won't be able to say the truth about it. This is UK, he knows if he confessed he might be heading into the trouble of Divorce and expensive Child support.
We all urinate in the office and boxers dont get wet daily now. Has he not been urinating be4 Feb. Why all of a sudden boxers are just getting wet.
Semens will not just drop if not being aroused now.
If this man is cheating or mastur.bating. His conscience will be judging him.

2. The man might truly not be having affair, then the woman has to find every means of working herself back to the man's heart.

The quality of love in this marriage seems depreciating, I will advise the woman to get something doing, NO MAN WILL LOVE TO HAVE LIABILITY HAS A WIFE. No matter how much he loves you, please add value to the family, you too bring something to the table.

@funkybaby, How are you, it's been a while. If you have advise for the lady on how to confront a cheating husband pls send it to her pls copy me also at likemind7@gmail.com so that I can learn as well.

Since she always puts away his cloths it is not as i she was spying and yes she has a right to confront him.
The story about the sperm with the urine does not make sense.
His reaction shows he took it seriously too.
His being annoyed later on is just attack as a defense method. Stand your ground there was no harm in asking.
Do not go about now apologizing any longer. There is nothing as pathetic as a constantly wining and crying wife.
A bit of jealousy is allowed in a marriage.
If I might ask how old are you? Is there a big age difference?
When an experienced man marries  younger wife he has to do some babysitting
You need to learn allot but that too comes with time.
Stop making too much effort to please him. It is the man that woos the woman.
When one is not as experienced let him do most of the talking when it comes to delicate issues.
Thia is a strategy in conversation. He starts repeating himself when his arguments are exhausted you now stand in a better position to make your case.
Be polite, friendly and go about your duties and concentrate on doing something for yourself like you have been advised to. He will come wooing you.
The key to any relationship is that two people are pulling on opposite sides of a rope. To make sure that you know when to pull harder and when not to keep the relationship in balance. If you weaken and let yourself go, you fall with your face on the floor. If you pull too hard and he lets go suddenly, you fall with your buttocks on the floor.
You need to learn to balance the relationship at all times and not let yourself go.
And even if you don`t have an Education go and get yourself a job, even if it is just 10 hours a week at the start. That little money can go a long way to obtaining your respect.
Just saying honey you don`t need to give me money for pampers or baby food. Or buying him a deo. Even if the job is no good it will make him respect you the more.
One thing really bothers men : how would this woman cope and raise my kids if one day I am no more there.

@mutter,hes 13 years older than i am. thhe not working thing is not my idea at all.he said he doesnt wants me to work but i ve seen overtime that it s doing me more harm than good.am not a stay one place person.he feels i like the idea of not workin not knowing am only respecting his wish as my husband and looking at how things unfold.but  now that am being babysitted,its time up.

pls any ideas on how i ll get a job in here in england ?any job at all

:-x

If you are legally married to him then you should go into serious warfare after been sure you didn't play a major part in turning him into what he is now.Only you and God can save your marriage.

Hmm, my advice to you pinki is to pray hard, try and develop a social life outside of the internet, if you attend a church, join a group or get involved about your husby he's not being fair on you, both of you are married for God's sake and respect should be mutual, it's not about the age you are his wife as someone rightly mentioned earlier I dont see anything wrong in confronting him, your method might be faulty, he as a matured man should be able to overlook that and see the issue at hand, what he is doing is what is known as emotional blackmail and should not continue, are you ready to live the rest of your life with this kind of blackmail? issues will always arise in marriage and must be trashed out immediately, resentment will hinder your prayers, forgive him, ask God to help you make changes in your life where you need too and grant you direction on how to deal with the situation every human being is unique and it is only the creator that knows how to handle everyone of us, I pray that God will grant you wisdom and grace to handle this matter. Be courageous in your home and don't allow yourself to be intimidated by the age difference, I am not asking you to disrespect him, but be firm and stop apologising for wrongs you are sure u did not commit. Love is firm! You are building your home and if you continue like this,

Babe be wise, ask God for wisdom and take your time and try to resolve the issue with your husband, he's your husband and you're the only one that understands him and knows where it hurts. No one can really tell you what to do. The ultimate decision lies with you. But I'd encourage you to get a source of living, it can even get worse than it is now, who knows? Let your motto be prepared.

If I were in your shoes which I'm not, I'd consider myself as having two options; to endure all through and pray things turn out for good or get out of an emotional abusive relationship and get a life. I grew up under an abusive father and my mum took my dad's s*^h forever, so I think I understand you to a large extent.

You should enjoy life and not live each day in tears and unhappiness. Nobody deserves it. You're in a land of opportunities. Start with your local church, which I think is pretty easy coz I doubt your husband will be against you dedicating your life to God. From there you can start getting some jobs or referrals who knows. And I know for sure that nobody serves God in vain. He's everly faithful and He will see you through. Be careful in choosing who you listen to and who you make friends with. Remeber you now have a child and that child deserves the best.

You're certainly in my prayers from today onwards.

@ poster;  i do understand ow u re feeln considern d fact that u were brought into d uk by ur hubby,  i was once in ur shoes and d ist step i took was to get a job cos its depressing avn to sit all day at home waitn for a hubby who sometimes forget to return home.

u can get a job online on d internet; going into the job center and as to speak to a job adviser; thru word of mouth friends etc, once u get a job and ur appearance impoves u ll notice a change in ur hubby cos he might think other men may admire u so he ll av no choice but to treat u better.

the job ll help build ur self confident just as it did for me and believe u me the sky is ur limit. GOD BLESS

malaika:

I guess we're all wired differently, just because I'm married to a man doesn't mean I must fear him, what!
pinkielove you need to pull up your skirts, tighten your bra and push up your sleeves and prepare to fight for
1)your self-esteem
2)your marriage

Look for a job, enroll to further your studies, make friends (young married mothers like you) so that you can have play-dates and such. Basically, try not to make your husband the be-all and end-all of your existence. Exude confidence and inner peace. Pray a lot. Laugh a lot (read funny books or chat with family/friends that make you happy). Sing a lot if that's your thing, listen to inspirational music. Write down positive self-affirmations. Small things that might help repair your damaged self-worth and fragile emotional state.

Once your husband starts to feel that he no longer has to 'babysit' you, he will start treating you like a partner in this marriage, not some little girl he seems to be burdened with. Do not fear him. He is also human, not some demi-god. Address him with humility, but without fear. He will take a while to get used to this new fearless, independent woman in his midst, he might even rebel against it (I get the feeling he enjoys the fear he instils in you whenever you try to address any issue with him) but eventually he will come to respect you.

mutter:

Since she always puts away his cloths it is not as i she was spying and yes she has a right to confront him.
The story about the spermatozoa with the urine does not make sense.
His reaction shows he took it seriously too.
His being annoyed later on is just attack as a defense method. Stand your ground there was no harm in asking.
Do not go about now apologizing any longer. There is nothing as pathetic as a constantly wining and crying wife.
A bit of jealousy is allowed in a marriage.
If I might ask how old are you? Is there a big age difference?
When an experienced man marries  younger wife he has to do some babysitting
You need to learn allot but that too comes with time.
Stop making too much effort to please him. It is the man that woos the woman.
When one is not as experienced let him do most of the talking when it comes to delicate issues.
Thia is a strategy in conversation. He starts repeating himself when his arguments are exhausted you now stand in a better position to make your case.
Be polite, friendly and go about your duties and concentrate on doing something for yourself like you have been advised to. He will come wooing you.

I totally agree with malaika and mutter on the highlighted parts.