I'll be updating this post periodically.

So many of you are out there, wondering. I know some of your questions, and something of the torment these questions often cause.


First, know you are not alone. You may believe you are the only person in the world interested in SM. Let me say to you, quietly but emphatically, that no matter how bizarre, extreme, or “perverted” your fantasies and desires may seem to you, please know that thousands of other people have similar thoughts. Indeed, if one highly credible source can be believed (Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, by Kinsey, Pomeroy, and Martin; published way back in 1953), at least 11 % of the population feels attracted to SM.

Learning how to do SM is like learning how to have sex all over again.

Sexual Extremes


  


“That’s too much.” “That’s going too far.”


In my life, I have seen many sexual activities labeled “going too far.” When I was a child in an average American neighborhood, sex within marriage was permitted, but pre-marital sex was “going too far.” I remember when vaginal intercourse was all right but MouthAction was “going too far.” Then MouthAction became acceptable but anal sex was “going too far.” Then came group sex, then bisexuality, then... Where will this end?


I believe almost all of the SM community would agree that the following activities would be “going too far.”

1. Doing anything without informed, freely given consent. (I use the consent definition formulated by therapist and SM author Dossie Easton: “An active collaboration for the benefit, well-being, and pleasure of all persons concerned.”)

2. Doing anything that causes great damage or death, even with consent.

3. Doing anything with someone incapable of consent — for example, someone too young, too intoxicated, or too mentally unbalanced to give consent.


  


Society agrees with these limits. Laws exist regarding all three conditions, and I want to encourage my readers to obey all applicable laws.


I’m serious about that. Obey the laws. Some, like laws regarding age of consent, are highly arbitrary, but I want you to obey them. If you think they’re unfair, then work to change them or move to an area where what you want to do isn’t against the law, but don’t break the law.


I can tell instantly if a man is dominant or submissive: I just tell him to sit on the couch. If he’s submissive, he’ll obey at once. If he looks at me for a moment, deciding for himself, he’s dominant.

  
As I write this, SM activists around the world are working hard to change unfair laws. SM clubs, publications, and Internet newsgroups can keep you informed about the status of these changes and about how you can help.

What is SM?


  


I define SM as the knowing use of psychological dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain, and/or related practices in a safe, legal, consensual manner in order for the participants to experience erotic arousal and/or personal growth.


A widely accepted upper limit to SM is that the dominant will not do anything to the submissive (and, for that matter, the submissive will not do anything to the dominant) that would require a physician, psychotherapist, or other external resource to heal.


Because SM varies widely in manner and intensity, people use several terms to describe it. “Bondage and Discipline” (B&) should rationally refer to the dominant restraining the submissive in some fashion, then “training” them to behave in certain ways. However, it more commonly refers to “lighter” SM, and not the more “extreme” sadomasochism. Unfortunately, no uniform opinion exists regarding where the line lies between the two.


Another term sometimes used is “D&S” or “DS,” referring to “Domination and Submission.” This is more to the point.


“SDS,” for “Sexual Domination and Submission,” had been proposed and is actually quite good, but “SDS” has unfortunate political implications.


A new overall descriptive term rapidly gaining currency is “BDSM,” which incorporates Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism.


However, tradition has firmly established the slightly alarming and rather easy to misunderstand term “sadomasochism” as the word in general use to describe this area of sexuality. Sadomasochism is long and polysyllabic, so it’s more commonly abbreviated to S&M, S/M, or simply SM. I’ll use the term SM throughout this book. (It’s easier to type.)

‘A stiff prick has no conscience’ - what a contemptible rationalization!

Why On Earth Would Anybody Want to Do this Stuff in the First Place?


  


Why, indeed. That question, perhaps more than any other, has caused many people great emotional pain. I think that anybody who has an “other than conventional” sexual interest must have wondered why they feel that way.


The “why” question is too broad to answer with a single reason. No one right answer exists. However, if we break the question into smaller pieces, and take them one at a time, we can make progress.


It’s like asking, “Why do people go to the movies?” Those who go find it rewarding, at least enough so to continue going. Exactly what is rewarding, and how rewarding it is, varies from person to person. SM is like that.


One important aspect of this question is defining conventional sex. Not long ago, many if not most people considered MouthAction and anal sex, even among heterosexuals, “sick,” “disgusting,” “perverted,” and “unnatural.” Some people still regard them in that way, and laws forbidding these practices - with lengthy prison terms for “violators” — exist in many states.


So as we ponder “why,” it helps to remember that there is no universal agreement regarding “natural” and “unnatural” sex practices; people define them in many different ways. (As opposed to robbery, for example, where much more widespread agreement exists.) Many sexual practices considered unspeakable in one culture or period of history are considered normal, even preferable, in another. Indeed, if you think there’s such a thing as “natural” sex, consider the variety of sexual expression found among animals.


Still, most men and women, even if they’ve had a reasonable exposure to SM, feel no attraction to it. Why do others?


The first seemingly reasonable explanation is that people attracted to SM, particularly submissives or masochists, must be mentally disturbed. (Many people believe they can imagine why someone would want to be dominant or sadistic. But why would someone want to be given orders, tied up, or — God help them — whipped? How can pain, of all things, be enjoyable? A person who desires to feel pain is dearly crazy.)


Well, if so, there certainly are a lot of “sickies.” As I mentioned earlier, at least one person in nine feels attracted to SM. Also about one person in three discovers that they enjoy SM. Can one-third of the population be sexually sick?

Most couples don’t have conversations like this.

Furthermore, these sickies deal with their illness remarkably well. My SM friends hold jobs as well as my non-SM friends. They begin and end relationships, marry and divorce, and make both friends and enemies with a frequency apparently equal to that of non-SM people. They seem to have no greater or lesser frequency of alcoholism, suicide, mental illness, or history of having endured child abuse. In fact, they seem identical to “normal” people.


One study (An Initial Study of Nonclinical Practitioners of Sexual Sadomasochism by Janet P. Miale, 1986, the Professional School of Psychological Studies, San Diego, CA) found no significant differences between a group of SM people and a control group of “normal” people.


So, if we’re not crazy, what are we?


I think many people explore SM because, as Hot creatures, we feel somewhat curious about all forms of sex. Most heterosexual couples explore sexual intercourse in various positions, locations, and times of day. Many also try MouthAction and anal sex. Some try “mate swapping,” group sex, and bisexuality. As they work down the sexual menu, these couples come to SM. It’s yet another sexual adventure, perhaps made more alluring by being considered too far out by many.


What many of us are, then, is not crazy, but explorative.

The Sociology, Politics, and Economics of SM


  


In the 1970s, we saw a fascinating phenomenon: the “Gay Liberation” movement. Rejected by society, these people joined together, pooled their resources, and became a potent economic, social, and political force.


The gay community’s support is now important, sometimes essential, for election in many cities. County, state, and even national candidates often take stands on gay-rights issues. If the Kinsey estimates can be believed, a group that forms about five percent of the population has become a major political force.


That being so, what are the implications for a group more than double that size? New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Washington are only a few of the cities that have had a self-aware SM community emerge. Such communities are also emerging in many other cities. Also, efforts are underway to link the SM groups in various areas into a national organization.


Gay-related parades, rallies, and demonstrations now often include an SM group. Organizations that refuse to include such a group are asked detailed, repeated questions regarding the refusal’s basis. The leather-clad people asking these questions do not feel inclined to take “no” for an answer.


Again, we see the beginnings of the emergence of a self-aware, organized group of people banded together based on their sexual preference. This movement is growing and getting stronger. Its implications are at least as strong as the gay movement.


Laws banning discrimination based on sexual orientation or sexual preference do not currently explicitly include SM people, and they should. I would have no problem with an SM person teaching in an elementary school, performing surgery, or serving in the military. Indeed, I happen to know that SM people have been doing all of those things, and many more, for quite some time.


I’m told that the National Organization for Women’s official position is that SM is inherently incompatible with women’s interests. Given that most of the SM women I know identify as feminists, this may be the next area in which we need to raise consciousness.

You would never have gotten me to believe that I would en joy that.

Basic Terms


  


A certain amount of jargon exists within the SM community. I’ve included a more complete glossary at the end of this book, but I thought I would briefly define the more commonly used words here. They’ll be showing up throughout the book, so a short introduction (in logical order, not alphabetical order) of twelve commonly used terms should be useful. (Note: There is widespread, but not universal, agreement within the community regarding these definitions.)

• Dominant: One who gives orders during SM play.

• Sadist: A person who specifically enjoys giving pain.

• Top: A generic term for someone who enjoys being dominant and/or sadistic. Many people use the word “top” to mean someone who enjoys giving sensation, as opposed to a “dominant,” who enjoys being in control of others.

• Submissive: One who obeys orders during SM play.

• Masochist: A person who specifically enjoys receiving pain.

• Bottom: A generic term for someone who enjoys being submissive and/or masochistic. Many people use the word “bottom” to mean specifically someone who enjoys being given various sensations, as opposed to a “submissive,” who enjoys being controlled.

• Switch: A person who enjoys both the top and bottom roles.

• Play: SM erotic activity involving bondage, pain, domination, and so forth.

• Scene: A meeting between two (or more) people for the purpose of SM play. Also known as a “session.”

• Toy: A piece of SM equipment such as a whip, collar, length of rope, and so forth. One “plays” with “toys” during “scenes.”

• In the scene: A member of the SM community. A person might say “I’ve been in the scene for five years.” One person might ask another, “Is so-and-so in the scene?”

• Pervert: A term of affectionate recognition with the SM community. “Hey, Pervert” is sometimes called out on the street if only the other person is within earshot.

Is it my own personal favourite BDSM someone just made so unnattractive like this?



*spits