My heart bleeds, It is in pain, I can’t really talk about it to anyone or discuss it but yet it is like a pin is been used constantly to touch my internal heart and causing incessant pain. You know internal pain as if you got your nail/finger hit by a car door.
Writers, motivational speakers, pastors etc has always say that one should continue to say the positive things, you know all the kind of talks. In reality, there is always a dark side of the day called night, the bible name it lesser light.

I might not be precise in this my piece, it might be criticized but I really need an outpouring of my heart pain somewhere ‘cause a lot of time you can’t just discuss it with people: if u discuss it with people, you might end up being a laughing stock later, you might as well be the topic of a sermon, You might be hearing your story somewhere else, sometime, nobody want to listen. In fact they will tell you that that is how it is in marriage.

Yes, I am talking about marriage here, I am to express painful it is, how you can’t just phantom how living with somebody can be soo painful and unbearable especially when no one want to understand.

The heart pouring begins:
May be I will be able to sleep better after writing down all these. I am just tired of talking, just talking, my heart need to be free from all these burdens and wounds.
Why should I find it difficult to go home after the daily work?, it’s like an expected war, raging word war, venting of anger, insecurity, jealous and envy. Every school of thought has always make us believe that marriage should be a collaboration and cooperation between two people but I have found out that it can be a place where two different people (enemies) has to live together.

Sometimes, a lot of times after the days job you just feel like talking to somebody to chat you up, you know lighten up your spirit, make you laugh, make your heart merry, or just hang out with friends to brighten up when you wonder the kind of heat and rage awaiting you in your own house

Why should a man face a lot of politics and all sort out there in the office and still get to the house, a home he called his own and he cannot find happiness and peace?, Must a home be a continuation of the war of survival out there. Must it be another set of politics, another set of rage, another agony to pass through.

Can TWO walk together unless they agree? This one is the one I have seen to be another issue. When you cant sincerely share your heart with your spouse, somebody ask whyyyy? Because she is going to pray down or shoot down the idea or plan if it does not go down well with her. I have heard and seen wife telling their husband that He will not succeed in what he lays his hand upon


, TO BE CONTINUED.

THE BLEEDING CONTINUES

Still looking AROUND FOR AN ANSWER, Why are wives confrontational? While I believe discussion and conversation are the bedrock of any relationship but what is the place of confrontation in an home? That you saw a local herbal medicine for weight reduction does not imply that I am a sorcerer but instead of listening and discuss the issue, she picked up the phone and call all my family members, called pastors and everybody on you. Yeahhhh, an avenue to paint you as the bad guy here right.

You can’t even talk or express yourself , you can’t start a discussion because as usual everything will lead to a fight or evil utterances or curses or shouts everywhere. It’s tiring and it’s hurting.

Has one really signed up the freedom of one’s life after getting married? I never prayed for such a miserable life like this after marriage. I have always have a picture of a good home that I want to have but it seems that the opposite of the dream is what is happening in the real life now.

Kids are growing, they need their father around, their mother is intolerable, she just want to pick up a quarrel and scream and talk carelessly , curse, make evil pronunciation and fight at every given opportunity and you know what she will tell you she is not fighting , she is just herself and she is just expressing herself! I really guess there is a BIG Issue If something normal to somebody is a poison to the other party. How do u strike a balance in such a situation.

Before, I met you I thank God I have been successful, you married me because you know and you were assured that I am going to be successful, who now told you that my future success is dependent on you.
Here is what I hear her say: I don’t need cast a spell or to curse before some evil thing happen, if you don’t make me happy, then those things will happen see what is happening to my father now, it is because he does not listen to my mother, "I pray you won’t be like my father".

Holy Christ what concerns me and you father. I married you not to come and steer my life. I do have a vision and a direction before you came into my life, please you can’t just come in and want me to come and be dancing to your tune and change the game plan to yours.

Does that mean that every time I did not listen to you, I should be expecting the worse, I have actually noticed it, you have once said I will be arrested and I THANKED GOD OF HEAVEN that it did not make it possible. A wife naked herself in a midnight saying husband will leave the country with RAGS. I thanked God it never happens.

Tell me how do I give myself totally to such situation. I still find it difficult to bear this pains regardless of leaving my whole life in the hand of somebody that is willing to curse at will, willing to turn destiny just to favour her.

I prefer being alone and be happy than being with someone at all cost and be miserable.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

Firstly let me say, I am so sorry you are so miserable in your marriage. Marriage and home should be a place of refuge and free from the outside. But why is your wife so angry? You never say in your post. Was she always so angry before you married her. Did something happen to make her so mad? Or is she a control freak? I hope you find something to smile for soon.

There most be someting that is eating her up i am not saying some women could be uncontrolable but u have to show her some love and atimes pretend as if u are taking her advise and latter tell her in love that it is not going down well with u, if she was not like that before u married her or look for some one u no she respect to talk to her and above all always pray together comit ur home marriage and all ur afiars to God cos the devil u no is beta dan the Angel outside, give her a listening eair show her lv there is no woman dat resist love am sure tings will get beta i will remember u in prayers too God will help ur home there is no perfect marriage every marriage have thier own challenge try to put ur mind at rest and accept ur wife for who and wat she is

Continuation of his story. For those who do not know what transpired between both couple


https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=464771.msg6235988#msg6235988

I hope/pray you will find love and peace again in your home. I suggest both of you to go for counseling

she has demons jor wetin do her

@chaircover,
Thanks for the advice.
I don't think it the issue that happened the last time, Like i posted in that thread that be4 the incident she has always been aggressive. let me take you down some of my painful memory lane.

1. i came back home after d day job, i asked for my food, only to tell me that there is no food that she has been busy, I asked her busy with what, she said house duties, I asked her again, what has the maid been doing and which house work will you been doing sisnce you woke up till after 7pm, I told her frankly that The only job i know she do is to watch africa magic and nollywood,
b4 I landed she has started abusing me, called me names (Olowo ogbo to silekun fun ole), all sorts. I walked out of the house, drove to a 9ice restruant and eat.

2. There is a single mother (her husby is in 9ija) in our church that came to my office to withdraw money, unfortunately, her transfer did not get thru, she came to me and explained , I gave some money to her and 2 sundays later, She brought the money to Church and return it in front of my wife.

The ffg Sunday, The women leader called mte that my wife picked up a quarell with this woman and call her all sorts of name , shouting on her that she want to snatch her husband.


Why? I pray I have not trade my peace away by getting this woman into my life.

soft girl:

There most be someting that is eating her up i am not saying some women could be uncontrolable but u have to show her some love and atimes pretend as if u are taking her advise and latter tell her in love that it is not going down well with u, if she was not like that before u married her or look for some one u no she respect to talk to her and above all always pray together comit your home marriage and all your afiars to God cos the devil u no is beta dan the Angel outside, give her a listening eair show her lv there is no woman dat resist love am sure tings will get beta i will remember u in prayers too God will help your home there is no perfect marriage every marriage have thier own challenge try to put your mind at rest and accept your wife for who and wat she is

In response, She is used to getting angry, She can just wake up being angry, she can fight with anybody, she has once draw out a knife on her Sister. When I saw all these, I called it quit, The Mum and my friends and her people called me that She has actually changed for better when she started going out with me, That i should please not give up n her, That a devil i know is better than Another angel somewhere, I continued, I recalled she was begging me kneeling down in front of people then In Redemption camp in nigeria that she wil not be a bad person again, I succumbed to that pressure and got married.


Several Pastors has talked to her, infact one got so mad and told her that He is smelling divorce on her, at the end of the day, the pastors always tell me that IT IS MY CROSS

She would not bulge, Tere was a time i even callaed a lawyer, be4 the man got her, pastors, her parent and my brothers has started calling me to drop the idea, her sticky point is that I want to send her and the baby out so that I can marry another woman, she said instead of that she wished my enemy death so she can be free to marry another person.

She removed her ring and threw it at me, saying she cursed the day she met me and so on and so onnn.

In fact i need God's help.

But if by any chance i get a trial separation, my people na final one be that ooo, I am just thinking about the kid. I love my baby boy

I have been following the all the posts. What a thread!
All I want to say is that: How can two work together except they agree?
It clearly shows there is no agreement in your marriage.
As the man, you have to make a conscious effort to bring the groove back to your marriage. Go back to the tiny details that brought you a lot of joy and happiness while you dating that made you look forward to marrying her. You need to pay more attention to her. I believe she needs a lot of reassurance from you.
We are outsiders and may not really get the full picture. I wonder what the story would be like if it was coming from your wife.

rickie4us:


All I want to say is that: How can two work together except they agree?
It clearly shows there is no agreement in your marriage.
As the man, you have to make a conscious effort to bring the groove back to your marriage. Go back to the tiny details that brought you a lot of joy and happiness while you dating that made you look forward to marrying her. You need to pay more attention to her. I believe she needs a lot of reassurance from you.
We are outsiders and may not really get the full picture. I wonder what the story would be like if it was coming from your wife.

You can say that again.

How can two walk (work) together except they agree? Love is like a fire that needs fueling to keep it burning. That is the way marriage is. If you do not nurture it, it will definitely not grow. You need to pay attention to little details. I am not an advocate of divorce or separation (as long as there is no physical abuse or assault, in which case can result to permanent disability or even death) but then, you can make your marriage work. It is a matter of choice.

Think about this. If only you can take back the hands of time. What are you doing now that you could have done differently? Well, the decision is yours to make.

I appreciate the respect you have for her, by not physically abusing her

This is damn so sad!
I think this is more of a spiritual matter than the physical,
She needs deliverance from the spirit of anger,
Honestly, I'll advice you take her to The Synagogue church for all nation.

DAMN! This is sad. . .

I have no words.

your wife has some medical problems.
This is no longer in the realm of normal

Seems like the poster has kind of like made up his mind to divorce her.

Whatever you feel is right to do, pls do it.

What will i gain by provoking her, What do i stand to benefit if i divorce her except peace of heart and happiness and I have to bear the cost and live with the dent, What do i tell my kid when he grows up?

It's not about playing a victim role, I grew up to learn that in a relationship, if somebody is a bully, then another will be a sheep. I have decided to be the sheep in my own house to just have peace yet the Bully - my wife won't stop bullying. I need to maintain my stand as the man of the house.

I tried to tolerate all the excesses, I am not a perfect person either but It takes two to tangle, I have  bent a lot of my rules and principle that I dont even know what to do again. I can't stand rages, curses and anytime this things happen, I do leave the house. As soon as i get back another round of accusation start because she believed I have gone out there to be with another woman.

@Chaircover,
I did not encourage another woman to curse or abuse her, I told you that I had wanted to delete the text, she insist and even promised not to react, so when she reacted agianst her promise, I can't help but laff till everything went the other way, I apologised and moved on, she has been 'terrible b4 these incident@. Like I posted earlier,.

It's like the more she see me or I stay at home , the more 'angrier' the gets.
She told me she hates me, she told me she regreted the day she met me that curse be that day.
I
I just want to have peace and be happy, u know come home gist with my woman, watch movies, laff, the way i do with my friends

The thing don tire me sha.

Offline

Re: Heart Bleed
« #10 on: Yesterday at 04:31:14 PM »

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I will say find some time to meditate & think deeply about it.

If indeed you cant take it anymore, then you may want to consider a trial separation for a set period of time to give you bot both breathing space and time to work things out.

@kindway i tink i queit agree with Chaircover u need a break from this woman i realy feel for u how can ur wife refuse to cook ur food, ha ha bring another man picture to replace ur own dis is getting too much too much i am not sujesting a devorce but just leave her for sometime let her come crying on her kneels before u accept her back so dat she will not kill u before time dis can lead to bp problem o if u where my brother i won't take dis just prayerfuly ask God for direction

@poster,

This is tough.I think you really need a break from this woman before it gets worse but there must be a reason she is pushing so hard.search yourself how have you upset her pls do. nxt step call her pastors and parents and pour out your heart like you do here let them knw what is going on.she is always the one reporting you amybe when you do that they will knw your back"s hit the wall.

Thank you all for your advice,
I got a call from My MUM today and she is very devastated, She was even crying over the phone, she told me that I should remember her husband (my father) is dead and there is little she can do. I am soo touch emotionally, I really got this soft spot for my Mum, i respect her to a fault.
That if i can no longer cope with her, I should send her back home

some minutes later,Her mother called begging on her behalf that I will not be put to shame, that whatever she has done, i should count it on her, that i should please think about her effort on her child (Ki emi ro tiwon mo omo lara) before taking decision, that when the daughter called that she scolded her a lot on the phone.

I am still maintaining my cool now, not talking, just chating on FB and nairaland

You seem to be going thru a lot in your marriage. Like a pastor told you, it's your cross. Try to see how you can turn that cross into a blessing.

For one, I believe your story is missing her side of the story. What will your wife say if she were to come to nl to talk about her marital problems? Its obvious she wants to remain married to you but is finding it hard to handle your marriage.

Dude, I know it's a very hard thing to do but you should start paying attention to your wife. I mean serious attention. Look back at the time when you first met, and she was your angel. You would go out of your way to satisfy and make her happy. Start treating her like that again.

You know all the expected roles of men and women in naija marriage, throw it outta the window. A happy wife leads to a happy home. Stop being selfish. Talk to your wife. Ask her what you are doing wrong, and what else she will expect you to do. It will take time but you can still win her love back. Eventually, you will find your self falling in love with her again.

Treat her like a queen. Stop involving every family and church member with your disputes. You both are married, and should hv the emotional stability to handle your fights. Talk like adults. Remember, it is never what you say but HOW you say it.

If you realise a situation is getting heated, cool down, put your hard feelings aside, and make it condusive for a conciliatory conversation.

Above all, be forgiving.

Don't be quick to quit. The grass is not always greener at the other side.

ivynwa:

@poster
Your wife is not a bad person, she was just not helped to mould her personality properly when she was growing up. It may not be her fault that she can go to the extreme of negativity like that perhaps whoever raised her up spoilt her, let her have her way always and she ended up not holding herself together and allowing herself get out of control in the anger department. She should not be written off and abandoned even though I am mad at how a woman can be setting fire on her own house like that but I understand the fact that she does not understand the gravity of her actions. If she has armed herself with that tiny but powerful simple knowledge that nagging is like the nails on the coffin of marriage and that it drives a man all the way out of the house, she wouldn't have been making all these mistakes. I think that if somebody quickly comes in to teach her, there will be a change for the better.
My advise
Let one or two very wise mature women in this Nairaland like Tolutara and Chaircover talk sense into your wife and teach her these things that she just doesn't know, she is only guilty of ignorance. I suggest that they make it seem like they are members of executive of your church women group who live abroad (since according to you she has accosted a church member out of jealousy and attracted the attention of your church women leader).This is to prevent her from knowing you talked to us here in NL. You can give them her phone number and e-mail address and act like you don't know them and allow them to counsel her. She will be better.
A girlfriend of mine in the University had terrible attitude problem, the only reason I got close to her was that I pitied the way other girls talk her down and snob her as the school authority discovered in our second year that she does not have her complete papers which made her an ineligible student.She stayed on in school wasted a whole five years. She was very careless and untidy, she later got married, had children and her careless behaviour almost cost her her marriage. Unwell kept home, covetousness---always wanting to be given things to eat, asking others for money but above all these she has a good heart and feels for others. I did try my best to get her off those behaviours but how do you tell your friend that she is "longer throat" or "dirty", I indirectly tried. Her marriage started rocking when her husband learnt that she wasted years in school for nothing, and he was at the verge of divorcing her when another stronger mature woman in their neighbourhood rebuked her terrible housekeeping and talked sense into her and there was a great change in my friend. She is still married even though we lost contact for years now but I am sure she is doing great now and so can your wife if brushed up by the right people.
Check yourself too
You were honest in saying that you are not a perfect person, you may be aggravating the situation. Are there ways you make her unhappy? Minding children is a career on its own and if she did say she was tired then do bear with her. You should be helping her , some men sometimes allow their wives chill a bit while they do the cooking for a change. Home keeping and child minding may be taking a toll on her and she needs pampering too, don't use harsh words in an effort to assert your position as the man of the house okay. Forget the anger in your heart for one day and do things you've never done in the house before, cook, wash clothes----tell her to rest. Buy her a card and write in it that she is your wife, that you are stuck on her b/c u love her and that you too can make it work and should begin work at doing just that, add flowers, perfume(You know what she likes) Change the formulas you too use in your bedmatics for a change(u know what I mean) give her great attention and dwell on her pleasure. Overlook yourself for once and see whether part of her anger is a reaction to unhappiness.

@poster
I had the post above here before but after reading your post in Nairaland and noticing that you publicize your marriage troubles more than you should.I had a second thought to delete my post but only left it because I still believe that good can come out of having a mature person not meddle but enlighten and talk sense into your wife. She sure does not know certain things a woman should not do and needs to be tactfully taught that and not left to nail her marriage in ignorance.
I also decided to put in that you need to put yourself together and act more maturedly too. You seem to really be aggravating matters a bit without knowing it. Don't always look out for the negative in her to recount dear, she sure has some positives that can be celebrated for a change.
I also came across this other man"s thread whose wife had an affair.
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-471546.0.html
You commented therein but did you notice how maturedly he handled that problem and peace returned to his house. A wiser older woman or two are enough to correct your wife not many members of your church, not through lots of complaints thread about your wife, not through a lawyer(you ain't divorcing her yet) and not through a negative pastor either. Get a grip sweetie.

^^^^ Poster, I strongly disagree with you on the issue of asking other nl ladies to interfere in the poster's marriage. The poster should learn to handle his marriage. It's ok if he asks faceless individuals online on how to deal with his marital problems, but going as far as getting a nler to call his wife is another level of immaturity. He has exhibited that lots when he gets family and church member to talk to her.

I went through the poster's other thread. One thing jumps at me. The poster does not respect his wife, and he really needs to start treating her with respect. Respect is reciprocal. If you expect people to treat you with respect, you have to start by treating them with such first.

I painfully stopped talking to one of my closest friends recently. He disrespected my lady. I gave him a chance to defend himself and to apologise to her but he wasn't up to it. No friend of mine or family has the right to disrespect my woman. I will never accept that. You disrespect my woman, you disrespect me. There is no way around it.

Poster, stop letting outsiders insult your woman. You should be on her side, no matter what. If you hv issues with her behaviour, take it up with her quietly later on. But first, you hv to let her know you've got her back always.

@Deniyor
I agree with you that others should not be allowed to meddle in a marriage and I just checked the poster's posts and also agreed that he did publicize the problems more than he should. My suggestion is not for these NLander ladies to meddle, not at all. So many people have solved great problems thru the advise of wiser persons in NL. That lady should not be left to kill off her marriage out of ignorance and anger, somebody that has drawn the knife on her own sister and goes to the extent of not wishing her own husband good needs help to manage her anger and carry herself as a woman should. There is a time for women to help their fellow women by setting them aright and that is not meddling. If my friend which I gave as an example was not set aright by another more mature woman, she would have lost her marriage.

Lol @ The good nairalanders trying to solve this man's problem.

The question you lot should ask yourselves is this : IS THIS MAN READY TO TACKEL THE PROBLEM AND QUENCH THE BURNING FIRE IN HIS HOME? obviously not.

He'd rather pick up the little details, find problems and bring out the worst in his wife, look at him,read his posts, the dude has not even in one sentence tried to resolve the issue or look for a way out. The dude is not ready for all this una advice, my advice to una advicers is , save your strength for something better

As for you poster, the thing wey dey sweet dey kill, that thing wey dey sweet wey you dey find for outside, you go soon chop am die.

^^^ Guys, May God bless you and your homes.

This response can be a little bit lengthy but I am ready to take you thru some of our life (This is an anonymous but useful site, I am confident that our personality is not endangered).

Sincerely, it's not as if she is 100% bad but anytime she goes the other way, she always go to the extreme and it's becoming a frequent thing and unbearable.

I know that I have changed a lot as well, I can't just stand all the insults and nagging again which keeps me more outside and more to myself when I am indoor but can really be a fun to be with when I am with friends or in the office.

I have stopped all household chores, i have stopped taking her through things, i have stopped mentoring her reason been that I don't like being taken for granted.
Simply because this woman knows I can't beat a woman, she had d audacity to slap me in my home but I repeated the slap the fourth time she did it and she called everybody on me that i am a wife beater, I now told those people that it's her fourth time that did they hear anything from me.

She cooks well when she want to and she makes the house very tidy and sincerely i appreciate this fact
@jenkadry,
Please I am here to get MATURED mind's advise, not other way around, May you never be frustrated in your life.

I called her yesterday (midnight) and i asked her to tell me her mind.

She told me that she did not love me or have feelings for me when she met me but she got like me later 'cause of the way i do treat her and accepted her
Anger,
she claimed it's an inherited anger that she does not know what she does whenever she is angry and she does not know the gravity of her utterations.
She told me that the reason she married me is because I was patient and I could tolerate her excesses but now she discovered that I don't have tolerance again (which is true anyway).

Naiarlander, Thanks once again but how do I manage or how do one Manage 'inherited anger now'

Love her. Love can melt hearts and achieve a lot, I feel for your unhappiness. We shouldn't chide you much for being too askance and always wanting advice about her. You really want solutions to your problems and when one does not have anybody to talk to, one can't help spilling the unhappiness thru the computer but let's put an end to the complaints with this question you just asked and begin to work on the solutions. The tete-a -tete you had with her is a very nice one, if you keep nursing that unhappiness and acting distant and she gets on like that too, it will keep being hot and hot so it was wise of you to sit her down and talk to her. You need more of that talk with her, let me repeat what I have advised before. Put on your real "I love you mode" and tell her that you love her even when you don't love the things she says when she gets angry, that you desire to have a very blissful home with her and that you need her for you two to make it work. Perhaps you too can agree on a name or a phrase that can be your control mantra for her. When she gets angry and begins to get out of hand you can keep quiet and call her that name or tell her that word to remind her to calm down.  More understanding and love may do the magic, more as in double your affections and tender loving care for her, pet her more, begin to do the chores again even more and let her know that it will make you happy if she shows appreciation when you do that. I am sure she will not take that for granted again. 

I tried to hold this(because I got a bit shaken by your last post)  but I can't help not saying this
Wetin dey make she dey open hands dey slap you like that, she dey craze for head? Make she take am easy o o shoo, I am sure if that fourth one was not retaliated she would have been beating you by now. Make she pull herself together, wetin? What is even wrong with her, is she s-t-u-p-i-d? I wish I can see her so that I can ask her that to her face MTTTCHEEEEEEW.
It is true that we women most times run in the mouth which is where we have strength the most but for one to begin to slap her husband is not acceptable.That is why I said that one or two women should sit her down and put her in her place. I do wish you put on more level of patience, bear with her some more and try to win her over with love. Romans 12 ending says that when you return good for wrongdoing, that you will make the wrongdoer burn with shame. Hope that can make her over. I wish you lots of luck joo.