Have you just been through a relationship breakup? If so, I’m sure you’re dealing with a lot of emotions, having up and down days, and times where you wish you could be back in love again. A break up is inevitably painful (unless of course you’re happy that its over) but there are things you can do to help yourself move on with greater ease.

I was watching “The Bachelorette” the other day, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but basically it’s a reality show where ten guys are fighting for the love of the one bachelorette, in this case Ali. Each week one of the men is not given a rose by Ali and sent home as a result. This week, the tables were turned on Ali when one of her favourite men, Frank, decided to leave because he had realised he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend.

Ali was devastated as she had a deep connection with Frank right from the start.

Now the reason it was interesting, is that Ali said something at this point that reflects the inner torment that is common for us to go through after a “break up”. Despite Frank telling Ali that he realised he was in love with someone else, Ali still played the fantasy over in her mind that he would come back and say he had changed his mind. She couldn’t work out why her mind was doing this, despite intellectually knowing that that it wasn’t going to happen and despite being so angry at him for his selfish behaviour and deceit that she wouldn’t really want him back anyway.

This flood of emotions, fantasies and thought patterns is normal after a break up. We all go through a common grieving process after a big loss in our lives. Ali was in the early stages of grief referred to as “shock and denial”. Basically there are three main phases of grief that if you understand may help you move through your own loss:

Phases of grief:

Phase 1: Shock & denial – you can’t believe the relationship has actually ended, you literally can’t get your head around it. You may even feel numb, disconnected and play over scenarios in your mind of what you did “wrong” to cause it to happen, or what you failed to do that you think may have saved the relationship. You start to feel angry that this person has done this to you or even just a general sense of anger at life or even find others to blame for the outcome. You may begin bargaining which means praying / begging to the universe or your God that the person comes back to you and what you will do if they do.

Phase 2: Sadness, depression and loneliness – you feel immense pain about what has happened, start crying easily, or become particularly moody or withdrawn. You may start to want to be alone and reflect on your upset and sadness. In the process you reflect upon past memories with your partner and worry about whether you will ever fall in love again. Strong feelings of depression and isolation can arise.

Phase 3: The turn-around - you start to feel ok and your life is re-establishing itself, although you may still miss the person you are starting to let go and move on with your new life. You start to deal with problems in a more solution oriented way and to work through things. You start to feel a sense of acceptance that the relationship is over and hope that you will find someone else and once again be happy in love.

Each of these phases is normal to go through after a break up and we tend to move back and forth at various times. It is important to remember that you can’t rush yourself to “just get over it”, however, by understanding these phases you can help yourself move through each of the phases more easily. Some of the following strategies may be useful to do so.

1. Face your feelings
Do you have a tendency to run away from your feelings or deal with them as they arise? Unfortunately in our society it’s quite common to avoid our feelings through the use of drugs and alcohol, working long-hours, keeping busy, food, or any other strategy that enables us to ignore our feelings. As a result we have no way of moving through or releasing those emotions and instead we hold onto them, bottling them up inside. If you want to move through the loss with greater ease, you must start facing your feelings. Spend some time alone on a regular basis just sitting and being with your feelings about the break up. Allow the sadness to just be there without trying to fix it. Allow yourself to cry or feel angry and hurt. Take several big deep breaths in and as you breath out, imagine breathing out all the hurt, pain and anger.

2. Do something to signify closure
Some people find it helpful to do something physical that represents completion of the relationship to help them mentally accept the end of the relationship and start a new life. For example, writing a letter to their ex (but not actually sending it – rather putting it in the bin or ripping it up afterward or simply writing it in their journal where no-one else will see it)—saying everything they wanted to say to their ex but didn’t, and ending it with a final goodbye and best wishes Another client of mine went to a spot that he used to frequent with his ex, said goodbye to her as if she was there, thanked her for the good times and told her that he is now moving on to find love with someone who was able to love him in the way he wished to be loved.

3. Deal with the anger
Anger is a normal part of loss and grief, it is not to be judged or feared. However we need to release our anger or we can end up taking it out on the world and ourselves. Find a way to release your anger about the relationship ending – go to a boxing class and imagine telling your ex everything you are angry about as you punch into the bag; write a list of all the things you are angry about, allowing yourself to feel the anger as you write it; see a therapist or counsellor to help vent and work through your feelings.

4. Focus on what did not work
Focusing on the negative is not something I usually recommend however, after a breakup is the one time when it can be helpful. Once a relationship is lost in our lives we often focus our attention on all the things we miss about the person, why our life is empty without them and how much better it was when they were here. Shift this perspective by intentionally focusing on what did not work in the relationship, the challenges and frustrations and the qualities that were absent that you would like to find in your next relationship that will enable it to be even more amazing.

5. Visualise an even better future
One of the hardest parts about a break up is that it can be difficult to imagine falling in love again in the future. While in the relationship you may have imagined the rest of your life with our ex and now you have to create a whole new picture of what your live will be like. By consciously thinking about how you would like your new future to be, you reduce the tendency to focus on the hole in your life created by the break up and instead focus on the possibilities of what can be.

6. Set personal goals
Set two or three personal goals to achieve in your life to take the focus away from the relationship and toward making yourself happy. This will give you a focus for your thoughts and a feeling of moving forward despite the painful emotions.

7. Look after you
This is a great time to start looking after yourself and learning to love yourself more fully. Many clients come to me for coaching for this exact reason, to learn how to love themselves more so that in their next relationship they can be truly happy. Get out and start exercising if you are not already, put together a healthy eating plan, find hobbies and passions that you love, join a new group to fill some of those free evenings. If you can afford it, get a massage or get your hair down. Take part in a yoga or meditation class that will help you move through the emotional turmoil and gain acceptance.