If you are not able to read all the story, the bottom-line is that my 18-year old daughter is so attached to me that she can change clothes before me or sleep on same bed with me and feel no shyness. How best can I create a loving distance between us? I want to do this . . .

The details . . .

Preamble

It was late 1999 and I was in 4th year, studying engineering in University of Nigeria Nsukka. Shortly before my internship, I got my then girlfriend pregnant. A 2nd year student of Mass Communication, Obioma. She was young, beautiful, quiet, harmless, innocent (looking) and active catholic. I felt bad (the worst feeling of my life so far), not because I got someone pregnant but because of what she will pass through. Insults/embarrassment/shame in class, church and family, studies and exams, she will just be looked at like the worst person. She opted to abort the baby and I refused. Even though they frowned at the pregnancy, my parents, staunch Catholics, didn’t go hard on anyone and always made it clear they are willing to take the child if we deem it unwanted.

To cut the story short, after nursing the baby (a girl) briefly my mother took over. I am from Nsukka (the university town) and my mother was a teacher then (now retired). As a student, I was on a couple of scholarships and did a lucrative GCE/JAMB lessons and exam runs. So money wasn’t such a challenge. Student-turned-baby mama went to see her child from time to time, and didn’t appear to have forgiven me for what she went through in the course of the pregnancy (mostly the stigma and poor academic performance). Remember we are talking about 1999 here and not 2019 (so if not for anything, there has not been a Facebook. lol). I was giving her a weird consolation of how it is good to give birth early and how what people think don’t really matter. By the way, she was like 17-18 years at the time, from Asaba. Myself around 21 years then.

Fast-forward to 2005/6, I have taken my daughter, 5, and been working in Port Harcourt. For my personal nature and level of thoroughness, I believe she’d be better raised under my nose. In 2008, I got married to the same Obioma after almost a decade of on-off relationship. It appeared we understood ourselves inside-out and can’t just do without each other even though we are not the best of lovers.

Current Situation and the Challenge

Now approaching 18, our daughter is in the University. She took a lot from me ranging from physical features and strength to mental reasoning. Perhaps owing to circumstances of her early years, she has strong leadership qualities and some level of independence with sense of humour. Her gap to the following sibling (a boy) is 8 years. She supervises everything in the house – from the house keys to the car keys, from the cooking gas level to generator servicing, from the fire extinguishers to the electric bulbs, from foodstuffs to menu, etc. She is practically in charge when I’m not around and has express authority to punish or otherwise the two boys following her. Some say I have given her so much power that may affect her relationship or marital life but that is not my worry, for now. She stayed in the dormitory for secondary school but goes to the Uni from home. We no longer stay in PH anyway.

Here are my worries. When her mother is not around, she would so love to come and sleep on our bed with me. Amid all the resistance, she succeeds at times. She had excitedly said it before some visitors and I felt very embarrassed. This girl can wear anything and sit anyhow in my presence but a very sharp contrast when a non-family member is present. Recently, she was chasing around the last born tying only towel, the towel dropped in front of us. She did not hurry up to cover up even as she had no underwear inside. Then her mother stood to give her a slap and she challenged “that no other person is here”. She sits on my body like there’s no tomorrow and presses all parts of her body on me with no reservations. She is just that free. I have never seen anything like this before. Initially, I believed that as she matures she will be withdrawing but no way. We are actually very close that at times during holidays she just takes fun in coming to the office at closing hours for us to go back home together (some 6km away). Virtually everyone that knows me knows her. A striking resemblance is there too.

I know that even on gunpoint with the devil, I cannot harbor sexual thoughts on my daughter or sister. I am not that religious anyway, but I feel there should be some distance. Others have also indicated that she may use me as benchmark when choosing husband and it will be wrong if not corrected now.

to continue shortly . . .

reserved . . . Sadly, posted on April 01, 2019 22:54hrs

For a reason I cannot phantom, Nairaland stopped me from making comments or continuing the rest of the situation last night. I am kind of unhappy that I couldn't keep up with comments as they came due to this unexplained temporary suspension.

Let me put up the remaining information I typed last night.

=================

She is sexually aware

She can have decent conversation about sex in the presence of me and wife but frowns on the boys when the raise sex-related questions. Once I heard her telling the mother of her friend who had sex without condom and panicked over delayed menstruation. Last year she causally suggested that she was a virgin.

Meanwhile I haven’t seen her with a boy. Her friends trooping house often are girls, so I wondered if she’s into lesbianism. Sometime in January, my cousin sister visited and they were sleeping in the same room. One night I saw her sleeping in the sitting room, later on she told me she ran out of the room as the girl-cousin behaved strange at night. That she suspects lesbianism in her and how she is irritated by that.
She had seen me carrying a girl in the outskirts of town. I don’t know what on earth she was doing in that axis of town. She said she went to certain market to find special beans (type of akidi) for some kind of native Nsukka food. Okay o! Later on she warned me (jokingly) to be careful with all these girls in order not to carry STDs to her mother.

I am touching on all these as they made me rule out lesbianism or lack of sex education. It’s just a strong bond built over time. Also remember that when I took her in 2005, two of us lived for up to 3 years before I got married to the mother.

The Way Forward

Sometimes I wish she was boy that will not leave someday. She is always ahead of her age mates. The sons are still following their mother up and down.
I plan to send her away somehow.

I have repeatedly looked at her departmental syllabuses and a lot of things there are ancient, far behind what the world needs today. So, I had decided to send her to France to continue studies for three reasons. 1. For higher quality education. 2. To perfect her multilingualism, thereby fitting into the current global realities. 3. To create the long awaited detachment from me. But her mother rejects this idea totally, considering that I will be going for further studies in a few months’ time. She’s of the view that all the backbone of the house can’t leave her like that with the two boys, and I am of the view that they can as well come with me. Putting her job on leave of absence.

So that is my plan for now. The girl in question doesn’t really have issues with the switch. She can always come to see me as I will be in another European country.

From all the suggestions I got here, I will enforce this plan and I’ll be a bit firm to ensure she doesn’t always come around. With this she can, maybe, start a relationship, reaffirm her independence and focus more on her future.

Appreciation:

I am very grateful for all your comments and suggestions. They really opened my eyes to different angles of this situation. Be rest assured it will be a win-win outcome and I will endeavor to give an update in the next one year or a little more than that.

And . . . for sacajawea and Mizwisdom

sacajawea:
Long story Short you are Sexually Attracted to your Daughter

and

Mizwisdom:
OP, you're strange, you don't sound like a father rather you sound like a predator. If you rape your daughter you will suffer the consequence.

You make me laugh. You don’t know who you’re talking about.

Even as Adults I saw some of my Aunts and Uncle bath together ooo

I wish I was this close to my dad. She trusts you sooo much that's why she is really free with you.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

You have a loving relationship with your daughter which would have been so commendable if it weren't so unhealthy.

You have boundary issues and your daughter's behaviour is a product of this weakness.

You raised the child and trained her a certain way that allowed such excesses. In essence she's been programmed by you.

Glad you realize there is a problem here. She may become codependent in her relationships and may find it hard enforcing or keeping certain boundaries in her relationships. She may unconsciously be searching for someone like you in her relationships and may have unrealistic expectations about relationships and marriage.

Remember, fathers are their daughters' first love. If a father gets it wrong with his daughter she may struggle to have healthy relationships for life.

Your best bet may be to lovingly lay down the rules and teach her why it's for her own good. Be ready to enforce discipline if she crosses the boundaries and reward her sometimes when she behaves the right way.

To get it right you will have to heal yourself of your own weaknesses of which your daughter is only a mirror. I repeat, heal yourself first. It's the only way you can effectively enforce the required healthy boundaries here.

Also, study what a healthy loving father-daughter relationship should look like and be her coach till she grows into an independent and balanced woman that is able to keep healthy boundaries.

She has an unhealthy attachment to you. The towel incident is quite telling. A 13-year old would've rushed to cover her unclothedness, but for her, at 18, to be that free in front of you, is somehow. Set some boundaries, teach her about privacy, and personal space ASAP!

Ah. I think you should do something about this, I’m not sure how though.....

Growing up, I was my dads second wife, I loved him so much that when he finally passed on a year ago, everybody was worried about me. I used to sleep between him and mum but as I grew older, way before 18 o, I became conscious and started sleeping in my own room. Even when I was very sick then, dad would want me to sleep with them but I would refuse.... no,I had no boyfriends or admirers or any of such then.

So, I’m worried that your daughter has no reservation but It could just be her nature sha

Jirair:
She has an unhealthy attachment to you. The towel incidence is somehow because even a 13-year old would've rushed to cover her unclothedness but for her, at 18, to be that free in front of you is worrying.

I disagree, she is just being herself. She has corrupt free conscience. Thrs nothing to worry about here, if u try to keep her away, u are opening her up for an option. That will even help you to know wen she is becoming corrupt.

This will help her in marriage as her hubby will take ur place in her life. E go sweet....

Lol Op, I was once like that your daughter.Daddy's girl and all that plus the striking resemblance. It made my mother really uncomfortable like I was sharing her husband with her.

But here is the thing, you should set boundaries! That cannot be overemphasized. It is good that fathers be close to their daughters but you should talk to your daughter concerning these things. Even in the Bible, it was written that a father shouldnt look at the unclothedness of his son/daughter and vice versa.
You can still have your "ME" time with her and all that, you should sternly but calmly tell her that she's no longer a child and sturvs, she should act in manner befitting of a woman or girl (as she's 18yrs), also try talking to her about the opposite sex. Trust me, it works like magic.

My love for my father shapened the way I think and reason and the type of relationship I want in a man and above all "manners befitting of a lady" or home training lol. At this point in her life, your daughter needs you but you need to talk some sense in her head.

Please sit her down and talk to her.

If she carries this attachment to marriage, her husband will definitely notice and won't be a happy man.

collinsfhk:


I disagree, she is just being herself. She has corrupt free conscience. Thrs nothing to worry about here, if u try to keep her away, u are opening her up for an option. That will even help you to know wen she is becoming corrupt.

This will help her in marriage as her hubby will take ur place in her life. E go sweet....

Jirair:
If she carries this attachment to marriage, her husband will defininitely notice and won't be a happy man.

Do u mean being attached to erase hubby?

Jirair:
If she carries this attachment to marriage, her husband will defininitely notice and won't be a happy man.

Do u mean being attached to her hubby?

DPRmoniker:
The bottom-line is that my 18-year old daughter is so attached to me that she can change clothes before me or sleep on same bed with me and feel no shyness.
How best can I create a loving distance between us?

Sit her down and hold a one on one discussion(without the presence of your wife at first) with her.
She could be doing it out of plain innocence and the bond she's got with you.
So you just gotta hear her out first.

I'd have said you should set up some boundary but you still gotta know why she does what she does.
Cheers!

collinsfhk:


Do u mean being attached to erase hubby?

Which one is 'being attached to erase hubby?'. People don't suddenly change when they get married. It's best for them to make amends and teach her healthy boundaries now than assume the attachment is normal like you're arguing and allow her to continue as is.

You are a father to her firstly and you should act as one. Be firm...

And you said she mostly does it when no one is around,meaning she knows its not a flattering behavior.... Man up and be the dad of the house,how hard is that?

First off why did you and your wife allow the closeness get to that point.
Secondly your daughter is loossed
I went to a boarding school all my life.
Lastly you both should sit her down and have a heart to heart discussion .
Tell her she is now a woman and should have value for her body no matter whom is there.
My 5 years old daughter knows this.
I always cautioned her.
U don't see her walking around naked.
She is consious of her body.
So speak to your daughter

Jirair:

Which one is 'being attached to erase hubby?'. People don't suddenly change when they get married. It's best for them to make amends and teach her healthy boundaries now than assume the attachment is normal like you're arguing and allow her to continue as is.

Oh that was a typo error. ...her hubby

Your daughter probably has an innocent mind... If I were you, I will leave it for my wife to handle instead of risking sending the wrong message/signal or pushing her to the arms of strange guys with strange dvcks to pound her... I wish she was this free with her mum instead...

At least she is probably still a virgin: that's a good consolation for a parent...

But please when sticking to all this advice don’t forget to caution her in a loving way cause with the kind of age she is now if you are too hard on her she may disconnect with you finally to the extent she may dispise you and find comfort in someone else, just do it with care a little hotness and coldness, just make sure when you hanging out with her make sure her brothers are always there giving them the same equal attention with that is a start

Now listen,

your daughter is close to you and that is a GOOD thing especially since she is a lady, if you are open to her you will know when she starts dating, you'll know the guy and youll know her challenges. You'll be a guy man.

BUT, as you noted she is too close! but dont push her away, dont be firm! usually when u remove a lady from a close relationship she will immediately try to replace it with something else, that is how women make mistakes. Dont take the firm route at all.

Invite he to walk you home from work, on the way shift the discussion to the topic of privacy and teach her about it. Remind her u dont mind but it is good to respect her body, let her talk, let her air her mind, end with a joke and change the topic to something lighter.

She will gradually keep her body, allow her sleep in ur bed if it doesnt disturb u, u will notice that gradually she will adjust.

from there keep it close without inviting her past the normal boundries.

las las it will be alrite. DPRmoniker

DPRmoniker:
If you are not able to read all the story, the bottom-line is that my 18-year old daughter is so attached to me that she can change clothes before me or sleep on same bed with me and feel no shyness. How best can I create a loving distance between us? I want to do this . . .

The details . . .

Preamble

It was late 1999 and I was in 4th year, studying engineering in University of Nigeria Nsukka. Shortly before my internship, I got my then girlfriend pregnant. A 2nd year student of Mass Communication, Obioma. She was young, beautiful, quiet, harmless, innocent (looking) and active catholic. I felt bad (the worst feeling of my life so far), not because I got someone pregnant but because of what she will pass through. Insults/embarrassment/shame in class, church and family, studies and exams, she will just be looked at like the worst person. She opted to abort the baby and I refused. Even though they frowned at the pregnancy, my parents, staunch Catholics, didn’t go hard on anyone and always made it clear they are willing to take the child if we deem it unwanted.

To cut the story short, after nursing the baby (a girl) briefly my mother took over. I am from Nsukka (the university town) and my mother was a teacher then (now retired). As a student, I was on a couple of scholarships and did a lucrative GCE/JAMB lessons and exam runs. So money wasn’t such a challenge. Student-turned-baby mama went to see her child from time to time, and didn’t appear to have forgiven me for what she went through in the course of the pregnancy (mostly the stigma and poor academic performance). Remember we are talking about 1999 here and not 2019 (so if not for anything, there has not been a Facebook. lol). I was giving her a weird consolation of how it is good to give birth early and how what people think don’t really matter. By the way, she was like 17-18 years at the time, from Asaba. Myself around 21 years then.

Fast-forward to 2005/6, I have taken my daughter, 5, and been working in Port Harcourt. For my personal nature and level of thoroughness, I believe she’d be better raised under my nose. In 2008, I got married to the same Obioma after almost a decade of on-off relationship. It appeared we understood ourselves inside-out and can’t just do without each other even though we are not the best of lovers.

Current Situation and the Challenge

Now approaching 18, our daughter is in the University. She took a lot from me ranging from physical features and strength to mental reasoning. Perhaps owing to circumstances of her early years, she has strong leadership qualities and some level of independence with sense of humour. Her gap to the following sibling (a boy) is 8 years. She supervises everything in the house – from the house keys to the car keys, from the cooking gas level to generator servicing, from the fire extinguishers to the electric bulbs, from foodstuffs to menu, etc. She is practically in charge when I’m not around and has express authority to punish or otherwise the two boys following her. Some say I have given her so much power that may affect her relationship or marital life but that is not my worry, for now. She stayed in the dormitory for secondary school but goes to the Uni from home. We no longer stay in PH anyway.

Here are my worries. When her mother is not around, she would so love to come and sleep on our bed with me. Amid all the resistance, she succeeds at times. She had excitedly said it before some visitors and I felt very embarrassed. This girl can wear anything and sit anyhow in my presence but a very sharp contrast when a non-family member is present. Recently, she was chasing around the last born tying only towel, the towel dropped in front of us. She did not hurry up to cover up even as she had no underwear inside. Then her mother stood to give her a slap and she challenged “that no other person is here”. She sits on my body like there’s no tomorrow and presses all parts of her body on me with no reservations. She is just that free. I have never seen anything like this before. Initially, I believed that as she matures she will be withdrawing but no way. We are actually very close that at times during holidays she just takes fun in coming to the office at closing hours for us to go back home together (some 6km away). Virtually everyone that knows me knows her. A striking resemblance is there too.

I know that even on gunpoint with the devil, I cannot harbor sexual thoughts on my daughter or sister. I am not that religious anyway, but I feel there should be some distance. Others have also indicated that she may use me as benchmark when choosing husband and it will be wrong if not corrected now.

to continue shortly . . .

As a first step to gradually loosen the closeness, send her to campus since she is now in the university so that she can be with her mates especially guys. She should no longer be going from home.

My daughter is very very close to me and she is a proper daddy's girl through and through. I decided to send her to boarding house so that i can gradually detach the closeness as i know that it might likely affect her in future especially in terms of relationships. She still tries to use tricks in the school to come home to see me or to speak to me. It is a gradual process. I envisaged that by the time she gets to Senior secondary and then university, she would be used to being independent of me.

Long story Short you are Sexually Attracted to your Daughter

folake4u:
Lol Op, I was once like that your daughter.Daddy's girl and all that plus the striking resemblance. It made my mother really uncomfortable like I was sharing her husband with her.

But here is the thing, you should set boundaries! That cannot be overemphasized. It is good that fathers be close to their daughters but you should talk to your daughter concerning these things. Even in the Bible, it was written that a father shouldnt look at the unclothedness of his son/daughter and vice versa.
You can still have your "ME" time with her and all that, you should sternly but calmly tell her that she's no longer a child and sturvs, she should act in manner befitting of a woman or girl (as she's 18yrs), also try talking to her about the opposite sex. Trust me, it works like magic.

My love for my father shapened the way I think and reason and the type of relationship I want in a man and above all "manners befitting of a lady" or home training lol. At this point in her life, your daughter needs you but you need to talk some sense in her head.

I fear Girls like you Oh

Have heard a married woman telling the husband....MY FATHER DONT DO THAT...Eventually we do need beg the husband to go home most times becos he knows the comparing speeches will be few if he gets home late,

in all try your best to let her understand what she needs to know and start acting rightly now

sacajawea:
I fear Girls like you Oh

Lmao why?

Ubenedictus:
Now listen,

your daughter is close to you and that is a GOOD thing especially since she is a lady, if you are open to her you will know when she starts dating, you'll know the guy and youll know her challenges. You'll be a guy man.

BUT, as you noted she is too close! but dont push her away, dont be firm! usually when u remove a lady from a close relationship she will immediately try to replace it with something else, that is how women make mistakes. Dont take the firm route at all.

Invite he to walk you home from work, on the way shift the discussion to the topic of privacy and teach her about it. Remind her u dont mind but it is good to respect her body, let her talk, let her air her mind, end with a joke and change the topic to something lighter.

She will gradually keep her body, allow her sleep in ur bed if it doesnt disturb u, u will notice that gradually she will adjust.

from there keep it close without inviting her past the normal boundries.

las las it will be alrite. DPRmoniker

Person wey get sense!

folake4u:



Lmao why?

Your Types are notorious Players note i did Not say Gold Diggers, you are usually d female versions of Chop and Clean mouth as Adults

OP, you're strange, you don't sound like a father rather you sound like a predator. If you rape your daughter you will suffer the consequence.