Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"




An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says,
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"






Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.


















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.








How To Impress a Woman:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Tease her
Comfort her
Hug her
Send her flowers
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Hold her
Support her


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,  with beer.





A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)



A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

nice

manageable

@ goggles thanks for the encouragement,

@ kunbee, watever!!!!

the thing is that i was lil uneasy when i wanted to post the things cos nairaland pipis canb yab, so am kinda waiting for the yabis to flow but bottomline is that i just want people to read & enjoy a good laf.

Stale gist'

Where's the joke?

infact if studio no yab,then cocks will grow teeth, lol. infact yabis is the order of the day in nairaland.if you, studio no feel the joke am sure some other person go feel am. So get with the programme, relax,read it again, am sure it will get to you sooner or lera. just that your system never boot,for some its spontaneous, for some others, weeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll, sooner or later they'll get it.

Obonbo:


@ kunbee, watever!!!!

someone doesnt like criticism o

@obonbo
that was perfect
infact i love that perfect joke up 2som level
u get small talent
kepp it up
keep it coming
@studio u no dey easy 2please
@kunbee
what type of name is that?
Too fat i suppose
which one dey kunbee
urself or
urbrain

Obondo - no vex, i dey only talk am the way i see am.

If the joke no funny to me, then the joke no go funny to another person.

I tried reading the joke over and over again to see if i could see anything wey go make me smile atleast, but the joke nearly make sleep catch me.

No offence





@XIANA - were u get dat stale gist from dat i'm impossible to please?

yuck! old jokes jor

but some of them are still nice

Thanks. All the jokes were very nice. I am still lafing xpecially the "how do I look" one. Finally I have the words that will shut my wife up

Xiana:


@kunbee
what type of name is that?
Too fat i suppose
which one dey kunbee
urself or
urbrain

ANd in ur daft brain, u r wise abi, what does my weight have to do with anything. Ode adugbo oshi

lol

obonbo,

Nice one jare, all dem haters are just being themselves, haters

Ignore dem!

Seconded!

U don vex?
No vex!
Na my brain dey 4hand!

Talking to me?

U ke?
Not u jo!
Its 4 kunbee

watevs