Between magazines, romantic comedies, and generally baseless cultural assumptions, women have long been guessing what men are really thinking. His feet are slanted towards you at a 15-degree angle? Then he’s in love. 30-degree angle? He wants nothing to do with you. Then there are the totally speculative “what he really wants” sex tips like this real “tip” from a “real” guy in Cosmopolitan:

“‘We need you to get a little rough and grab on to it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you ask, he’d request more,’ says Steven, 23.” Why is 23-year-old Steven trying to cause us men so much pain? And aren’t we all smart enough to know that 23-year-old Steven is probably a 30-year-old female staff writer who’s just throwing down some ideas to make deadline?

We men are complex creatures, and we’ll admit that we can be a bit of trouble sometimes, especially when it comes to communicating what we really want. Whether it’s fear of rejection, fear of compromising our masculinity, or fear of butting up against cultural norms, we often keep our true thoughts to ourselves. It’s a shame too because then we leave it up to Hollywood and magazines to tell women what we’re thinking. In order to solve all that, take a look at the biggest things men think about women but never say:

1. Please order dessert

There are so many mind games that are hidden within a seemingly meaningless decision like ordering dessert. An “I’m full, none for me” after I just saw you push your salad around with your fork shows that the relationship is predicated on performance.

Buying into the idea that you have to be a dainty feather isn’t sexy because it means you’re not comfortable with who you are or whom you are with. If the real you really has a stomach the size of a bird’s, then fine, but if not, then please skip the psychological jockeying and adherence to cultural norms, be the real you, and order up a brownie sundae. As with orgasms and suntans, fake isn’t sexy.

2. Make the first move (or at least give us the confidence to do it ourselves)

Even the manliest of dudes don’t like to face rejection and get their feelings hurt. We’re probably all for trying to pick you up, but give us a hint that we may have a shot before we dive in. If you’re not going to initiate an interaction then maybe open your body posture, touch us on the arm, or shoot us a warm smile — just give us an excuse, any excuse, to think we won’t be humiliated if we make a move, and we’ll be happy to strike up a conversation. We can see where things go from there, but there’s got to be somewhere to start.

3. You can be the boss in the bedroom

Traditional gender roles are cool and all, but, sometimes, it’s nice to have the woman take charge. I don’t need to be thrown on the floor, blindfolded or choked to get excited (if you do, then more power to you), but give us a few directions and tell us what exactly it is that’ll make you happy. If the guy seems stressed out it’s probably because he’s nervous he won’t please you. So, weird as it may sound, if you take control once in a while, it can be just what he needs to loosen up a little.

4. You’re beautiful, stop complaining

We probably wouldn’t be with you if we thought you were unattractive. Men are immensely visual creatures, and, shallow as it may sound, looks always play some part in the equation. The thing is though, we have all sorts of preferences about female body type. Some like the fit but womanly Jennifer Lawrence look, others prefer the athletic, Cameron Diaz type, and some are into super skinny women like Zoe Saldana or fuller-figured ladies like Melissa McCarthy. So don’t stress. We think you’re hot. That’s why we’re with you. If you want to change something about you, go for it, but do it for you not for us. If your boyfriend or crush or whomever does give you a hard time, you might rethink that relationship before rethinking your body.

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