1. The “Askhole”
The Askhole is the person who asks for your advice, tells you how wise and helpful it is, thank you for it, does the exact opposite of what you advised, ask again for your advice on the same problem, and repeats this cycle to leave you eventually feeling like that pair of jeans which has seen one wash too many.
2. The I-me-I
This is the person who talks about one thing and one thing only: himself. The I-me-I will leave you bone-tired - physically and mentally - with his incessant talking and almost unendurable, detailed storytelling.
3. The BB Gun
The BB Gun shoots down whatever you tell them with something “Bigger” and “Better.” An example of this would be the following:
You: “Oh yes, my trip to South Africa was fantastic! I did ostrich riding, which is actually a thing over there, can you believe it?”
The BB Gun: “Ostrich riding? Oh that’s nothing. I did cheetah riding when I visited South Africa 2 years ago. Now THAT was something, I tell you!”
Disclaimer: there is no such thing as “cheetah riding” over here in South Africa.
4. The Permanently Penniless
This is the friend who almost always - and very conveniently - “forgets” her wallet at home, or tells you that she is strapped for cash and wants to borrow money from you. Again. This is usually also the friend who watches you eat crackers and cheese for dinner while she sits at Starbucks every morning sipping on lattes with the money you lent her.
5. The No-Show
The No-Show is that friend who always and eagerly accepts your invitation for coffee, poker night, or any other get-together, only to never show up. This no-show also extends to the lack of decency to text or call with an apology and the standard unimaginative excuse that usually accompanies it.
6. The Ear Hustler
This is the person whose only interest in life is that of others. This shameless gossip monger's sharp tongue will spare no man, woman, child, or beast. It is wise to bear in mind that the one who spills others’ secrets will usually also spill yours.
7. The Bad Borrower
When the Bad Borrower returns something, it is returned in an almost converse state. Your favourite Metallica album now sounds like Nickelback, and your beloved fantasy novel now reads like the script of a C-grade horror film. It is best to remember to rather not lend those items you consider precious and best preferred in its original form.
8. The Manipulator
The Manipulator only cares about his own interests and needs. He will toy with your emotions, have you experience intense guilt for not accommodating him, and play victim until he has his needs met. Avoid this selfish a***hole at all costs.
9. The Ungrateful One
This is something I often mention for the fact that it is something I feel deeply passionate about. Two small words are all it takes for someone to feel noticed, appreciated, and special. Be wary of the person who applies “thank you” sparingly and subjects its use to certain terms and conditions.
10. The Sunseeker
The Sunseeker is the overly optimistic, ever-jolly, bright-and-sunshiny-day type of person. I am wary of someone who is consistently over-the-top cheerful, constantly whistles Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, and ends every email or text message with some banal quote about the importance of wearing a permanent smile and getting out on the right side of the bed.
I will get out of the bed on any side I damn well please, thank you very much.
And by the way, what are you hiding underneath that permanent and pearly white smile of yours, huh?

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Nice write up, lovely use of words.