I'm 36 and my girlfriend is ten years younger than myself. I have had three long-term relationships previously, but I am her first partner. We have been together for almost three years, and lived together now for six months. We usually get along well, and while we are very different in some ways, we have things in common too - like a shared sense of humour and openness to converse on a range of topics and hear each other out. I am very easygoing, not an extrovert but more so than her - I can talk to anyone and enjoy joking around a lot and pushing boundaries in my humour. I am relatively easy breezy, and I don't tend to sweat the small stuff. My partner values kindness above all else, and while she is extremely polite and thoughtful (more so than I am) she does sweat the small stuff, is more introverted, quiet, and experiences anxiety on a much higher level than I do whenever we have a fight.

Sort of relevant for context: My parents have been married for 40 years and I grew up seeing them fight occasionally (sometimes screaming matches) but they are still married, and happily so. They are best friends. Her parents divorced when she was young and she doesn't really know why. Her mother remarried a few years ago and has a very happy second marriage and they never ever fight. We have had our share of problems from the beginning of our relationship but have managed to push through them, but they periodically rear their head. We can go long periods (months) without having a fight, but then suddenly will experience a period of a few months (like the period we are in now) where we have a disagreement about twice a week. The fights go like this: I notice my girlfriend is upset; I ask her what's wrong; she refuses to tell me; I have to push and push to get it out of her; she tells me and I don't agree or like what she's upset about; I feel attacked and defend myself; we go around and around in circles until it gets heated, I get angry, she cries and then questions whether we are suitable for each other. After two years together my girlfriend broke up with me because she said she was having anxiety from all the fights we were having. She said she didn't think the amount of fighting was normal in a relationship. We were apart for two weeks, but decided to give it another try eventually.

I don't think that we fight much by ordinary standards, and we never yell or scream or abuse each other. But they are frustrating, anxiety and stress inducing and end with her in tears, so I want to fix them.

The key to understanding our difficulties, I think, is what we fight about. She moved in with me six months ago. We live in a big house with three other house mates and have the downstairs to ourselves which is nice for space. Initially in our relationship we would fight about my friendships with other girls, and this has been the common theme. Most recently it is usually fights about my relationship with one of the other house mates. I will call her Rose. Rose and I get along very well (as friends). Rose is an attractive girl, but I am not attracted to her. I only have eyes for my girlfriend. My girlfriend has developed somewhat of an issue with Rose, but Rose has no idea. Rose is very nice, extroverted, chatty and her and I get a long superbly as friends. We enjoy each other's company. I don't see her much though - perhaps half an hour per day while cooking in the kitchen. My girlfriend likes Rose too and tells me this. My girlfriend says that she knows Rose and I aren't flirting, but she can just 'sense' something in the air and that we are both flirtatious people by nature. It began with her accusing me of staring at Rose inappropriately when Rose bent over to pick something up. This shocked me and I certainly didn't think I had done that. Whats more she said Rose deliberately bent over in front of me in order to entice me to look at her, when she could have kneeled down instead as that's what my girlfriend would have done. I thought this was going a bit far. Another time we went out for dinner with a large group of people, including Rose, and during the dinner my girlfriend told me I was looking at Rose too much. I really didn't think I was. Lately, If I go upstairs to make food or a cup of tea, when I get back my girlfriend will accuse me of taking too long up there and ask me what the hell I was doing, then we have a fight about that - sometimes I just like to hang out and have a chat with my house mates (not just Rose but the others too). And then there are the other fights - recently when she was upset and I was asking her what was wrong apparently I looked at myself in the mirror and adjusted my hair while asking her. This led to her telling me I wasn't genuine in asking how she was as I was focused on the mirror instead (I had just taken off my hat and the mirror was beside me while I was talking to her, and we had a big fight about that.

On another occasion, she said she was having such anxiety in her chest about me interacting with Rose, that could I please limit the amount of time I spend in the communal areas of the house? We had a big fight about that. I thought that was really unfair and controlling. She later backtracked on that and said she would never try to control me like that. Last nights fight sums up what usually happens quite well. It was Valentines Day - I had bought her some gifts, a nice card, and made her dinner. We spent a couple of hours together, then I went upstairs to make a cup of tea for myself. Then I sat outside in the cool evening air for half an hour. At one point Rose came outside for 30 seconds to check the temperature as she was going out and was deciding what to wear. We talked for ten seconds. My girlfriend then called me on my phone and asked could I come back inside to spend more quality time together. When I went back in I could immediately see on her face something was wrong (huge mood change from when I left). She asked me why the hell I stayed upstairs for half an hour, and she could see Rose "prancing around in front of me in her outfit". I disagreed, felt attacked, like I had done nothing wrong at all, and that she was reading the situation entirely differently to what had actually happened. We had a big fight and she started saying "there are guys out there I could be with who wouldn't treat me the way you do" AND "I don't deserve to be this upset, it isn't fair" as she was crying. She also said "it sends the message you would rather hang out with her or by yourself on Valentines Day than with me" and "it's embarrassing for me, because our house mates will be thinking there are problems in our relationship because we are not downstairs together on Valentines Day." I am used to this now, but I was a bit stunned, because in my mind all that had happened was that I stepped outside for a cup of tea for half an hour and I barely even saw Rose.

And then there are the times that she accuses me of looking at a girl on a bus when I'm not, or if I Google an actress on my phone it's an act of sneaking away to do something I shouldn't, or if I happen to look twice at a girl in the street she shuts down and won't talk to me for twenty minutes. For the record, I have two sisters and lots of close female friends, and all of them would agree that I am not the type to oggle women at all, though I will openly say I think a woman is attractive (like an actress or someone we know) but I will say that about a man being handsome too. I don't think that should be a problem. These things occur maybe on average once or twice a month, but since moving in with me and being around Rose, it has been weekly and is getting a bit much. It has gotten to the point where I am constantly microscoping my own behaviour - psychoanalysing myself - in case I might be doing something wrong that will upset her. I'm wondering if I've talked to this girl for too long, if I've looked too much, careful to avert my eyes, don't make her laugh too much, have I been upstairs for too long, what's too long, is 15 minutes ok? It's not healthy for me. We love each other though, and we we are not in this conflict mode we can go long periods without any trouble. I have suggested we go to counselling. She has agreed and says she wants to try and fix it too, but she also sometimes says she thinks we are just too different and there would be guys out there who would instinctively just know not to do all the things wrong that I do.

We've booked a counsellor for next week. Do you think it will help us? What do you think the problem is here? Am I not being sensitive enough to her needs and feelings? I feel torn between standing up for myself and not saying "yes dear, sorry dear" every time there's a problem, but also wanting to set her mind and heart at ease and make her feel better as well. I do love her.

PS. Obviously this is just a big list of our problems, but largely the relationship is a happy one. Just lately it hasn't been and I would like to get back to that good place. Any help/advice/perspective will be appreciated. Sorry for the length!

with all these write-ups, why won't your relationship get problems ,too many writings, complicated stories and confusing grammar.

It seems you talk too much man!!!

If only someone could summarize

I can't believe you expect me to read all this....well your solution lies in the problem....

Just know that ladies are jealous inclined... Set a boundary and be disciplined....

With this, the trust will come naturally...

Na handout be this? Learn to summarise. I stopped at Rose

If your girlfriend is raising concerns about your relationship, then treat those concerns seriously. If she says she sees signs of something don't play it down, take it seriously and make appropriate adjustments where necessary.

I'll read later.

Modified:

I enjoyed the story.

I see a man who understands humor and is outgoing and can easily get a woman, but because of his age, he is trying to please a woman so he can finally settle down after all the stressful years he spent in school and searching for a job.

Your game is okay, but you handed more than 70% nagging power to her, so she is using it as she pleases.

Yes, she loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but the reason she loves you is because other women probably like you too.

Women love a man other women love and she'll do everything to protect her territory by being jealous, complaining, and crying (emotional blackmail).

As a man, a woman should fear you first before respecting you, but yours only respects you.

There was an article 1 wrote a while ago titled The 7 Reasons You Should Offend Women.

Sadly, that article has been added in a book called Mrs. Vicky and Mr. Vick. You don't need to read the book, but if you do, you'll be forever thankful that you read it. Not free, but you'll surely be glad you read it.

If you have money, you can get a new apartment. Sadly, you caused most of her behaviors she's exhibiting because you didn't have some principles any woman who comes into your life shouldn't cross.

One of my principles is: don't nag more than once a month.

Friday of every 2 weeks is a day set aside for discussion, misunderstanding, fight, and reconciliation. After that day, we keep everything in our heart till the next two weeks.

As long as you have principles, boundaries, and the sex is great while money is coming for feeding and investment weekly or monthly, you're good.

Oh, you said we should identify what is wrong?

1. You are losing your power with emotional blackmail
2. You didn't have relationship principles, so you need to pay the price for being lazy in not setting rules from start
3. Rose likes you, but you don't know yet and your woman knows
4. It's good to be friendly, but when there is a jealous woman around, reduce by a certain percentage without being controlled by her to make amends
5. A jealous woman can kill a man she loves easily, so be careful
6. Her experience as a woman from a dysfunctional home is affecting her psychologically and emotionally and this makes her overanalyze things and become too alert to things that aren't even threats, but are in her imagination
7. Love make women become protective, so she is protecting you and she is right for doing that because men can be truly dogs at times — you never can tell
8. Packing out will be fine by her because seeing Rose makes her uncomfortable and gives her anxiety
9. Get a copy of Mrs. Vicky book to get the solution
10. If you don't like paying for real solutions, you can use Google or YouTube to find free solutions

Here is the purchase link: https://shop.wetclef.com/shop/mrs-vicky/

That's all.

summary anyone?!

This epistle long oo

If na you write Bible before you describe how God create the Earth pikin wet crawl go don dey run

Dude, can both of you contribute funds to get another place? I think she is indirectly telling you she's tired of having house mates around, I'm surprised you didn't get the drift, she's just using the Rose girl as an excuse, but you can ask her if that's what she wants, all the best.

Unlike others, I read the whole thing because it's a pretty interesting story & you're very articulate. In fact, too funny.

Your GF has trust and/or self-esteem issues = hypervigilance. You say you're her 1st, so I'm guessing her hangups stem from the broken relationship between her parents. Maybe her daddy was no good, which is now affecting how she views men & relationships in general. TBH, I think she needs therapy. Regarding "Rose", she may not be completely wrong about her. I also got the sense there's something fishy about the girl She may have a thing for you. As women we know & can sense these things lol. Doesn't take away from the fact your girl is a little sick though.

Shibaraba:
Na handout be this? Learn to summarise. I stopped at Rose

Very true, the experience-sharing was long. Even me that likes reading long posts just had to skip through this one. Please, be concise next time. This is a post. Most people don't have that chill to be reading and reading. Had it been it was an E-book we are reading in this post, then we will already know that it's an E-book and it's normal for that one to be lengthy. So, we wouldn't even have complained in the first place.

Maybe she is a runs girl.

One runs girl that i managed to date back then exhibits all dese attitude u mentioned infact even worse.

Oga, are you practicing to be a novelist? I confuse for your write up like seriously.

My only takeaway from this "my book of Bible stories" is that your kitchen is upstairs.

Why your kitchen dey upstairs?

Send me the architect number make e help me design one cottage like your own abeg.

I wan go look for money joor

This reads like a blog post so I won't waste my time penning down my thoughts.

The only reason I finished reading this novel is because am less bust now


Rose likes u but u don't know but your girlfriend knows.
Prevention is better than cure.

Sit her down and make her see your mind.

Oh I nearly forgot

Go and pay her bride price and stop enslaving yourself.

Most importantly, move out from that house, she's not feeling comfortable anymore and its affecting her.
More quarrels to come if you don't pack out

Co- habitation is wrong

Living together before marriage.

unless you choose to ignore the truth... alot of things will rear its ugly head.

her background also matters....

have you come to think of it.....dating,loving,fiance...is not d same thing as being married...what if something happens to either of you.God forbid...there is no legal backing

your issue is also see finish...she is already cooking,washing and warming your bed... you on your part too are taking care of the home and her...there is nuffin to look forward to..

Is this a lesbian relationship cos I don't understand how a man adjusts his hair.

Pls tell me more.

Men, you said you are 36?

Shibaraba:
Na handout be this? Learn to summarise. I stopped at Rose

Honestly, op you could have summarized this long epistle of yours.. Please someone should summarize it for me mbok

Why are you sharing a house with other people, are you still a student?

This will make a good script.. it's so long.. over 1000 words

Michelle55:
Honestly, op you could have summarized this long epistle of yours.. Please someone should summarize it for me mbok

He is 36... The lady is 26

He is an extrovert, the lady is an introvert

His parents quarrel occasionally...

The girl's parent is divorced, and she doesn't know why!


They have been cohabiting for 6months

They quarrel and disagree over minor issues... She thinks they are not suited for each other

They broke up and came back to each other
She has anxiety issues, insecurity and trust issues
She think rose wants him...

He doesn't like rose though he finds her attractive

She has promised to change.. he is taking her to see a councillor...

The end... I just schemed through it...

@Op

You have already identified the problem in your write up...

Osasnidas:

He is 36... The lady is 26

He is an extrovert, the lady is an introvert

His parents quarrel occasionally...

The girl's parent is divorced, and she doesn't know why!


They have been cohabiting for 6months

They quarrel and disagree over minor issues... She thinks they are not suited for each other

They broke up and came back to each other
She has anxiety issues, insecurity and trust issues
She think rose wants him...

He doesn't like rose though he finds her attractive

She has promised to change.. he is taking her to see a councillor...

The end... I just schemed through it...

@Op

You have already identified the problem in your write up...

thank you soo much for the summarization

Dear poster, you just gave me my best thread OP in about two years, or more! It made me remember MissWrite, wanderlustian, Stillfire, etc, people whose posts I used to enjoy reading a lot.
You should be a writer, I thoroughly enjoyed your post, it invited me into your world and kept me there, took me around and inside it and your lives, thank you for that. And from what I read, I have come to some conclusions:
I like you
I like Rose
I don’t like your girlfriend.
You guys are in the western world so maybe the kain said therapy may work, but,
Anyway, I am rooting for you and Rose
Next best rooting is for you and another person
Worst pairing is you and girlfriend (sure, sure recipe for disaster). I already have mental hives, imagining the two of you together. I believe she will suck the living life out of your life.
Cheers

And, do not ever stop typing/writing like you do!!!

XhosaNostra:
Unlike others, I read the whole thing because it's a pretty interesting story & you're very articulate. In fact, too funny.

Your GF has trust and/or self-esteem issues = hypervigilance. You say you're her 1st, so I'm guessing her hangups stem from the broken relationship between her parents. Maybe her daddy was no good, which is now affecting how she views men & relationships in general. TBH, I think she needs therapy. Regarding "Rose", she may not be completely wrong about her. I also got the sense there's something fishy about the girl She may have a thing for you. As women we know & can sense these things lol. Doesn't take away from the fact your girl is a little sick though.

Come here,you deserve a kiss.

Very apt.

Its my pleasure to pen my thought.
But, the write-up is lengthy

luminouz:


Come here,you deserve a kiss.

Very apt.

Where do you want her to come?

Okoroawusa:

Where do you want her to come?

Okoro, will u geddifok outta here?


E no concern u bro/sis

luminouz:


Okoro, will u geddifok outta here?


E no concern u bro/sis

Ok no vex