what exactly is igbo custom? cos im hearing 2 different things here

If it is igbo custom to do the wedding at the grooms then I understand, but the poster pointed out that the mother simply feels her son is 'favoring' his in laws and that it isnt his tradition! Thats a clear case of jealousy! The woman has issues, imagine how she will be when this guy gets married!
Whether now b4 you get married, or later when you are married with kids, one day one day you will have to put your mother in her place! Better now than later! YOU are a man, its YOUR wedding and therefore YOUR decision!

@outstrip in igbo custom every thing dat comes after the traditional wedding is d decisin of d grooms family, dats why white weddings are done in the grooms church. remember after d trad u are now a member of d grooms family. infact d brides family are inlaws at white weddings not host. so doing other wise is considered a slight, so my advise 2 @op is xplain d logistics advantage 2 his mum and compromise by holding the white wedding in an onitsha branch of d his family" church

@ queensmith

The culture is that the traditional rites are performed in the bride's home and white wedding is done at the groom church and place. But since the poster and the bride are from different places and they wnt to do both ceremonies on the same day, it's convenient to do it at the bride's hometown.

The white wedding is a borrowed culture and can be done anywhere. The traditional marriage however is non negotiable. It must be at the bride's hometown.

The poster is in a tight spot. He has to please his mother (which is very important) and comply with the culture at the same time. If his mum insists (and she must have her reasons), then I'm afraid he has no choice but to do them on seperate days.

@poster,

this is a simple analogy,i am not saying you shld dis-obey ur mum,but simply ask her how her own wz done by your father during their own time.then her answer would help a great deal.my penny.

Ujujoan:

@ queensmith

The culture is that the traditional rites are performed in the bride's home and white wedding is done at the groom church and place. But since the poster and the bride are from different places and they wnt to do both ceremonies on the same day, it's convenient to do it at the bride's hometown.

The white wedding is a borrowed culture and can be done anywhere. The traditional marriage however is non negotiable. It must be at the bride's hometown.

The poster is in a tight spot. He has to please his mother (which is very important) and comply with the culture at the same time. If his mum insists (and she must have her reasons), then I'm afraid he has no choice but to do them on seperate days.

heeeey uju how u doin!
ok i hear how you guys do it, yoruba's do everything at the brides house. meaning the brides side actually pay for the entire wedding! (cheap bastards!lol) its been infused in our culture that way.

I disagree with you though, i dont think he has to satisfy the mother because she it too proud to compromise. It makes alot of sense to want to do the wedding at the brides hometown if its far. If the mother refuses to understand that he should leave her to her tantrums or put her in her place!
I dont feel the poster should waste his money just to satisfy his mothers ego! When was it not enough joy for a woman that her son was getting married! goodness

heeeeeey queensmith! Hope u r okay.

Back to the topic.

You see there's this thing about Igbos and weddings, they don't joke with it. Now the mum must have been planning for and inviting her friends for her son's wedding. Many of her friends might not want to travel the distance and she might not want to have to make them. Her son's wedding might be an avenue for her to host her friends, colleagues and neighbours and the closer the better. Plus tradition requires that the groom's family hosts the wedding.

The poster is trying to make things easy for himself without considering his mother, whis is not right. True it's his wedding, but in igbo land, a man does not marry alone.

Like I said earlier, he has to plead with the mum to reason with him but if she insists, he has to do it the proper way and just bear the extra costs and inconveniencies.

zinzi:

@outstrip in igbo custom every thing dat comes after the traditional wedding is d decisin of d grooms family, dats why white weddings are done in the grooms church. remember after d trad u are now a member of d grooms family. infact d brides family are inlaws at white weddings not host. so doing other wise is considered a slight, so my advise 2 @op is xplain d logistics advantage 2 his mum and compromise by holding the white wedding in an onitsha branch of d his family" church

This makes a lot of sense because I know that the girl is not even considered part of the family after the wine carrying. She can even sleep in the man's house then. It makes a ton of sense then why the grooms family should be able to decide that since by the custom she is already their wife. Thank you Zinzi

kunle75:

@poster,

this is a simple analogy,i am not saying you shld dis-obey your mum,but simply ask her how her own wz done by your father during their own time.then her answer would help a great deal.my penny.

My Folks had a traditional wedding only

ucheo:

I think u and your mum are right (as 80% of the weddings in Igboland the groom decides where to do it) . However while it will be hard for u to convince her (mum) is that both of you are not based in Onitsha.
I will rather suggest that you do a low key traditional in Osha, few family members in attendance(cos of xpense) , pay d bride price and now do your white wedding in Aba. cos u r d man of the house thats d point shes trying to tell u and not that she wants to take over your home.

Try also ask your wife while she doesnt want the wedding to be in Aba? at least I have given you a leeway as per xpenses.

I dont think it makes me more or less a man to abide by my mum's wishes. I think she should respects my opnion and support my decision though I wont force her to agree 100%. I find it difficult to change my position just to satisfay her ego. I have had cousins who had their weddings in the brides town/city in the past and living happily, so is my case different and what kind of impression will I be giving my future wife on how much I control my affairs?

If our tradition states it must be in our place which is clearly not the issue here, then I'll abide by it but to satisfy her ego?? I'm not sure about that. I don't like  the war taking place now but I think I should press my position home ( esp to mum) that "Obi is no longer a boy",

zinzi:

try 2 carry your mum along in your plans and hold de white wedding in a branch of your mum' CHURCH in onitsha

Church is not the issue here. I don't mind where it takes place as long as its a living church i.e. Pentecostal

jay bee:

Who is paying for the wedding?
Why let people that are obviously not going to be in your marriage dictate?
If it gets outta hand then sit your behind down in USA and get hitched.
Geez, we worry/fight over insignificant things. Thank the good lord she is not pissed about her being from a different part of town.
Na real wa

I'm paying for the wedding. Thought Naija will be better to give everyone a chance to enjoy it. Option 2 still on the table, US ( but no Nigerian invitees!)

Nnajide:


I'm paying for the wedding. Thought Naija will be better to give everyone a chance to enjoy it. Option 2 still on the table, US ( but no Nigerian invitees!)

Best option (No one gets offended).

There is no problem here! With your mentioned towns I guess that you are Igbo. In Igboland and custom the traditional wedding is unfailingly at the bride's fathers compound/town, after which the woman then "belongs with" the groom's family, with or without church wedding.
Please be reminded that by custom once the bride price/traditional wedding is done you are married. Because the church has been with us and most are christians, the norm has been to go to the next step of church wedding. This is usually done in the groom's town or church.
So I am afraid that your Mum is correct. If you are in doubt just put a call through to some elderly folks.
I understand your desire to keep cost down, but that's the way it is. It should not be seen as a case of your intended wife "struggling" for location with your Mum.

Traditional wedding is at the BRIDE'S HOME, because that is where you pay your DOWRY.Abi you no wan submit your DOWRY?

After the traditional, u fit carry your wife to your MAMA for WHITE/CHURCH WEDDING. If you like u fit skip the CHURCH WEDDING.

But you must do the Traditional wedding is at the BRIDE'S HOME. IT IS A RESPECT TO YOUR WIFE'S FAMILY.

Go and settle the family of the girl and do a small party for her on that same day, then fix ur wedding in ABA. that is my girls view on our own coming up soon. Simple.

@outstrip thks 4 understanding. @poster it is not ur mums "ego trip" its her right. belive me if it were vis vasa ur inlaws will not argree. if ur cousins have done similar bring them in 2 apeal 2 ur mum. pls be diplomatic about it if not there goes her relationship with ur wife. she will never blame u but will blame ur wife. u know blood is thicker than water. so at the end of the day u must carry ur mum along. u must draw boundry 4 ur mum and wife 4 peace 2 reign, so try and discuss the logistics with ur mum, do it in her church in onitsha,get her a place 4 her and her guest 2 stay plus trans 2 onitsha etc if she is reasonable she will argree

It should be a mutual decision
choosing a venue shouldnt be a big deal

@OP I think the bride's place is ideal, however Mum wants to show off to her fellow Ndi Christian mother and friends. It is hard to convince her. So best option is after the wedding, have a small Thanksgiving party at your hometown, additional costs Yes but everyone is happy

thats the reason i hate weddings both families want to show off with a couples wedding its there wedding they decide what they want for their memories

who s/he wants to show off must have his/her own wedding and people must stop to force his/her dream wedding on his son/daughter's wedding

Please, be very careful and run away from problem of mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law, little things like this cause problems that may even break home or stall the progress of family. The family of wife dictates everything about marriage because they are giving out a life to another person entirely, a child they trained, a child they spend all their investment on, they have the final say on this day, but if you can use wisdom to convince your mother to accept your wife's opinion, it will pay, but if your wife has to sell his right because of your mother, i am afraid, besides the little fracas, there is no problem doing it anywhere that suits you, but please, be wise, God will see you through. Happy married life in advance.

Nnajide:

My Folks had a traditional wedding only
I dont think it makes me more or less a man to abide by my mum's wishes. I think she should respects my opnion and support my decision though I wont force her to agree 100%. I find it difficult to change my position just to satisfay her ego. I have had cousins who had their weddings in the brides town/city in the past and living happily, so is my case different and what kind of impression will I be giving my future wife on how much I control my affairs?

If our tradition states it must be in our place which is clearly not the issue here, then I'll abide by it but to satisfy her ego?? I'm not sure about that. I don't like  the war taking place now but I think I should press my position home ( esp to mum) that "Obi is no longer a boy",

Church is not the issue here. I don't mind where it takes place as long as its a living church i.e. Pentecostal
I'm paying for the wedding. Thought Naija will be better to give everyone a chance to enjoy it. Option 2 still on the table, US ( but no Nigerian invitees!)

Guy, you will have a lot of opportunities to prove to your mom that you are no longer a boy. I think the consensus here is that everything after the traditional wedding is hosted by the groom's family. So ol boy, allow your mom. From her perspective, it may be extremely shameful to have the white wedding outside of Aba. Be sure to let her know you are doing it in Aba because of the custom and not neccessarily because of her.

Well I think no one has right, the couples to be should talk about this together

shio, as if they are even going to contribute a dine to d whole thing self

I think you are an idiot. will you stop wasting our time by requesting advice on obviously STUPID issues in your life

Moderator, are you insane? next thing people will stary asking if its right to use toilet paper or water to clean up after defecating

hiss! Apoda!

give ur mummy her own respect, (is not possible 4 u to do it in onitsha pls go back 2 aba and do it there because if am d one i will not attend it.) so pls and adjust ur self.

Had the same problem,when i wanted to marry,my wife said she wanted Onitsha,my mother PortHarcourt.By the way i'm Igbo,i had the idea that since i was the one bringing my wife out of her home into my house,i should give her the honour of giving her the choice of where we should wed,then my mother said i should give her the honour as my mother by following her wishes and how did i finally solve it,after praying and seeking councel from God,i had my wedding in Warri were i live. So one solution choose a neutral ground,besides for me i don't think it's safe to wed in either Aba or Onitsha(this is my personal opinion),word can get around that you are both coming from USA and attract bad elements(sorry i am a bit too security conscious).

Anyway thats what i did,over to you but one other thing though, between your mum and your wife,your wife is the one you can easily speak to and she should understand because she should be your bestfriend(so if you must compromise for peace sake, bend towards your mum,because it's your responsibility to give your wife a safe landing in your family,your mum needs to get on well with her,for her sake not yours!),please make sure your wife to be understands oooh! if not you will keep hearing the matter for a very long time to come in your marriage with her .

Sleek Reek:

Had the same problem,when i wanted to marry,my wife said she wanted Onitsha,my mother PortHarcourt.By the way i'm Igbo,i had the idea that since i was the one bringing my wife out of her home into my house,i should give her the honour of giving her the choice of where we should wed,then my mother said i should give her the honour as my mother by following her wishes and how did i finally solve it,after praying and seeking councel from God,i had my wedding in Warri were i live. So one solution choose a neutral ground,besides for me i don't think it's safe to wed in either Aba or Onitsha(this is my personal opinion),word can get around that you are both coming from USA and attract bad elements(sorry i am a bit too security conscious).

Anyway thats what i did,over to you but one other thing though, between your mum and your wife,your wife is the one you can easily speak to and she should understand because she should be your bestfriend(so if you must compromise for peace sake, bend towards your mum,because it's your responsibility to give your wife a safe landing in your family,your mum needs to get on well with her,for her sake not yours!),please make sure your wife to be understands oooh! if not you will keep hearing the matter for a very long time to come in your marriage with her .

Thanks sleek for your advise. much appreciated,

Oloko Nla:

I think you are an . will you stop wasting our time by requesting advice on obviously silly issues in your life

Moderator, are you insane? next thing people will stary asking if its right to use toilet paper or water to clean up after defecating

hiss! Apoda!

No i am not insane. If you do not have any constructive comments to any of the topics of my section please do move to another. I will not tolerate insults or abuse of any kind.

Thank You.

1) For a couple to be fighting over "rights to choose location", they shouldn't be getting married.

2) For parents to be squabbling over location, they should go and get a life of their own as it is not them getting married.

3) In this instance, all logic culturally points to the fact that the groom (you) should have the say in where all the remaining marriage ceremonies holds, after the traditional marriage has been done by the wife's family, [b]yet you here here huffing and puffing and beating your chest and painting your Mum in a bad light as an interfering so and so, whose bidding you are not going to do, go right ahead, it is your wedding, what does it matter if your Mum is left feeling "I would not have been chanced if my Husband was alive", what does it matter if you let your wife-to-be and her family have her way to rub your Mum's nose in it, it is your wedding, it is your life, goodluck

No be small thing o

LOL things like this make me laugh. Seriously? Of all the things you lot could be focusing your energy on?
Why bother getting married in Nigeria anyway? Where the hot sun will wire both of you and the pictures come out with
people looking like xmas goat with all that sweat. Get married here and call it a day.

What is this igbo culture and igbo not culture?

The wedding as far as I know should be done in the bride's church

I have seen a alot of igbos getting married do it in the girl's church.

So what is this culture of a thingy bikonu?

Nnajide:

My Folks had a traditional wedding only
I dont think it makes me more or less a man to abide by my mum's wishes. I think she should respects my opnion and support my decision though I wont force her to agree 100%. I find it difficult to change my position just to satisfay her ego. I have had cousins who had their weddings in the brides town/city in the past and living happily, so is my case different and what kind of impression will I be giving my future wife on how much I control my affairs?

If our tradition states it must be in our place which is clearly not the issue here, then I'll abide by it but to satisfy her ego?? I'm not sure about that. I don't like  the war taking place now but I think I should press my position home ( esp to mum) that "Obi is no longer a boy", 

You are an eedio[i]t[/i] you better not paint your mum in a bad light before your wife else you will live to regret it for the rest of your soon to be miserable life.

Settle this case and let everybody be at peace with each other, your mum has never hated your fiancee for one minute so you better stop supporting one person and degrading the other.

A time will come(if you don't settle this case now) you will have to choose btw them both if you don't act like an adult.

Obi is a boy or not take care of that widow before you place a curse upon yourself