Hello Everyone

I am about proposing to my Fiancee but one thing came to my mind.

As a single adult, I have formed a habit of sending my parent specific allowance every month (N50k). Is it ok to continue that when married?
I am asking because my wife may say since I am doing that for my parent, why won't we do for hers.

BTW, she is working.

What's your thoughts please

good of you bro keep doing it .. but as for fiancee u can send to her parents once in a while .. blessings from two parents is a lot of blessings bro

Do you know her view about finances?
Does she know your views about finances?
Are you both getting married without knowing what and how you both handle finances?
Have you both discussed it at any time?

As one half of a married couple, would your resources be capable of taking care of your new family and still afford to send 50k to your parents? What of when the children come?

Do you know what she currenly does for her parents?
Have you both discussed it?
Do you have the interest of her parents in consideration?
Does she have yours?

LewsTherin:
Do you know her view about finances?
Does she know your views about finances?
Are you both getting married without knowing what and how you both handle finances?
Have you both discussed it at any time?

As one half of a married couple, would your resources be capable of taking care of your new family and still afford to send 50k to your parents? What of when the children come?

Do you know what she currenly does for her parents?
Have you both discussed it?
Do you have the interest of her parents in consideration?
Does she have yours?

Many thanks for these questions.
I will sure discuss each of them with her in coming weeks. I believe that would provide me better guide.

Thanks again

OP..... Don't let your prospective wife to push you into that...You can support from time to time only if they'll be considerate with their dowry and I hope she's also working.......

yanabasee1:
OP..... Don't let your prospective wife to push you into that...You can support from time to time only if they'll be considerate with their dowry and I hope she's also working.......

We are both from Enugu and our dowry is fair.

Please, try to have a deep conversation about how your home will be financed once you get married. Do not agree to anything that you are not ok with. It's overlooked things like this that cause major issues in marriage.

Chorismate:
Hello Everyone

I am about proposing to my Fiancee but one thing came to my mind.

As a single adult, I have formed a habit of sending my parent specific allowance every month (N50k). Is it ok to continue that when married?
I am asking because my wife may say since I am doing that for my parent, why won't we do for hers.

BTW, she is working.

What's your thoughts please

Yes. She's right. Her parents are yours.


Give some allotments not necessarily 50/50 with her family. The peace you'll achieve will help you along way in your own marriage. If you don't, expect it to affect her habits and antique towards you. It's in your court to weigh in on the long term. Benefits

Harshreality:
Please, try to have a deep conversation about how your home will be financed once you get married. Do not agree to anything that you are not ok with. It's overlooked things like this that cause major issues in marriage.

I agree with you.
Little things we think don't matter could rock the boat

RedPhoenix:



Yes. She's right. Her parents are yours.


Split it 25k each side. The peace you'll achieve will help you along way in your own marriage. If you don't, expect it to affect her habits and antique towards you. It's in your court to weigh in on the long term. Benefits

I think 25k won't do alot on my parent's side. Like you said, i will weigh this decision and ensure it does not have adverse long term impact.

Chorismate:


I think 25k won't do alot on my parent's side. Like you said, i will weigh this decision and ensure it does not have adverse long term impact.

Cause you're intimate about yours. Sorry doesn't in law parents amounts to one's one's parents too albeit by marriage? I don't know, I like us to dialogue and rub minds on this

Chorismate:
Hello Everyone

I am about proposing to my Fiancee but one thing came to my mind.

As a single adult, I have formed a habit of sending my parent specific allowance every month (N50k). Is it ok to continue that when married?
I am asking because my wife may say since I am doing that for my parent, why won't we do for hers.

BTW, she is working.

What's your thoughts please

Why on earth would she say that?

Is she an only child, I mean do her parents not have sons?

Be careful though so you don't start something that may become the cause of issues in the future.

You may end up like the man in this story

https://www.nairaland.com/5985003/man-shares-list-father-in-law-burial#91609774

LewsTherin:
Do you know her view about finances?
Does she know your views about finances?
Are you both getting married without knowing what and how you both handle finances?
Have you both discussed it at any time?

As one half of a married couple, would your resources be capable of taking care of your new family and still afford to send 50k to your parents? What of when the children come?

Do you know what she currenly does for her parents?
Have you both discussed it?
Do you have the interest of her parents in consideration?
Does she have yours?

Gbam!

RedPhoenix:



Cause you're intimate about yours. Sorry doesn't in law parents amounts to one's one's parents too albeit by marriage? I don't know, I like us to dialogue and rub minds on this

This is a dicey area. In African setting, i think the couple tend to take the groom's parent more as their parent. Well, i stand to be corrected.

However, as @unnerve mentioned, since the ladies parents have other sons that are capable, i think a little more attention should be given to mine as i am the only one currently capable from my parent's side.

This is my rough opinion.

What do you think?

RedPhoenix:



Yes. She's right. Her parents are yours.


Split it 25k each side. The peace you'll achieve will help you along way in your own marriage. If you don't, expect it to affect her habits and antique towards you. It's in your court to weigh in on the long term. Benefits

What if the girl's parents still working?

Should he deprive his parents of the required N50k to give his in-laws (who has surplus) N25k?

They still need deep conversations to understand their financial goals.

Unnerve:

Why on earth would she say that?

Is she an only child, I mean do her parents not have sons?

I am just trying to imagine different scenerios.

Nope, she's not the only child. She got some brothers that are doing abit fine. I think it is just me because i can't stay without giving to my parents

Unnerve:
Be careful though so you don't start something that may become the cause of issues in the future.

You may end up like the man in this story

https://www.nairaland.com/5985003/man-shares-list-father-in-law-burial#91609774

Many thanks for drawing my attention to this.

I will read it.
Like Pastor Poju Oyemade said, always ask those who have gone before you or read their story so you will learn. I will take lesson from this to guide my decision

bukatyne:


What if the girl's parents still working?

Should he deprive his parents of the required N50k to give his in-laws (who has surplus) N25k?

They still need deep conversations to understand their financial goals.

I agree with you, deep conversation about our financial goal would go along way to sort this. Thanks

Chorismate:


I agree with you, deep conversation about our financial goal would go along way to sort this. Thanks

Sha give us updates.

Use LewsTherin's questions as a guide.

And while discussing, look at her face. Just discuss; no discuss and eating, discuss and romance or discuss and outing.

Just discuss.

Chorismate:


Many thanks for these questions.
I will sure discuss each of them with her in coming weeks. I believe that would provide me better guide.

Thanks again

Thanks for your calm response.
I wasn't asking questions to make fun or troll you. I am serious about these questions.

3 things can destroy a marriage. Money, sex and power. Mishandling or abusing any of them can irreparably destroy a marriage.

It is wise and important that you both discus these things and reach a fair compromise. You know your woman. You should be able to tell if she is hiding or pretendong during these discussions. You yourself should be frank about it. In this, your relationship will either end, or get stronger.

Either way, it's to your benefit.

bukatyne:


Sha give us updates.

Use LewsTherin's questions as a guide.

And while discussing, look at her face. Just discuss; no discuss and eating, discuss and romance or discuss and outing.

Just discuss.

Thanks.
I go provide update for here
LewsTherin template will surely be used

Chorismate:
Hello Everyone


BTW, she is working.

What's your thoughts please

She should take care of her parents. Even if she isn’t working, her siblings should take care of them. You can send gifts once in a while, but don’t start monthly something, you may not be able to keep up when responsibilities start piling.

LewsTherin:


Thanks for your calm response.
I wasn't asking questions to make fun or troll you. I am serious about these questions.

3 things can destroy a marriage. Money, sex and power. Mishandling or abusing any of them can irreparably destroy a marriage.

It is wise and important that you both discus these things and reach a fair compromise. You know your woman. You should be able to tell if she is hiding or pretendong during these discussions. You yourself should be frank about it. In this, your relationship will either end, or get stronger.

Either way, it's to your benefit.

Thanks for sharing this so much wisdom with us.
#DontLeaveMe

bukatyne:


What if the girl's parents still working?

Should he deprive his parents of the required N50k to give his in-laws (who has surplus) N25k?

They still need deep conversations to understand their financial goals.

Does the work status of the parent disconnect what they represent to them both?

Chorismate

What hubby and I do is send same amount to both sides of the family. You send 50k to yours and she sends 50k to hers with scope to help out if any side is more needy at some point.

It's easier this way for the sake of fairness and to prevent any budding feelings of resentment.
Your parents will never be more important to her than her parents. No side of the family is more deserving.

This method only works if you both contribute to a joint account and then plan together on ALL expenses.If you're doing your thing with money and she's doing her thing,then it's no one's concern how much you send or how much she sends.

You cannot be sharing a joint account with equal contribution and then tell her to send less to her folks because she has brothers.It doesn't sound right .

So best to discuss it now very plainly,how much you bring in,how much she brings in, joint account or not, your estimated joint expenses ,savings plan, THEN how much parents will receive.

Good luck.

Takotsubo:
Chorismate

What hubby and I do is send same amount to both sides of the family. You send 50k to yours and she sends 50k to hers with scope to help out if any side is more needy at some point.

It's easier this way for the sake of fairness and to prevent any budding feelings of resentment.
Your parents will never be more important to her than her parents. No side of the family is more deserving.

This method only works if you both contribute to a joint account and then plan together on ALL expenses.If you're doing your thing with money and she's doing her thing,then it's no one's concern how much you send or how much she sends.

You cannot be sharing a joint account with equal contribution and then tell her to send less to her folks because she has brothers.It doesn't sound right .

So best to discuss it now very plainly,how much you bring in,how much she brings in, joint account or not, your estimated joint expenses ,savings plan, THEN how much parents will receive.

Good luck.

Preach it sis

RedPhoenix:



Does the work status of the parent disconnect what they represent to them both?

If the in-laws see him as their son, they would not burden him with unnecessary demands as he is trying to build a young family.

They will be grateful with the gifts he sends periodically.

bukatyne:


If the in-laws see him as their son, they would not burden him with unnecessary demands as he is trying to build a young family.

They will be grateful with the gifts he sends periodically.

Smiles. It goes both ways. Don't use your believes and perspectives to make him. Assume his wife or family is bad. Detach your assumpttions, presumptions, posturing from the situationship

.

RedPhoenix:



Smiles. It goes both ways. Don't use your believes and perspectives to make him. Assume his wife or family is bad. Detach your assumpttions, presumptions, posturing from the situationship

@Bold:

But you can agree with other posters that reflect your beliefs and perspectives.

We will all bring our perspectives and beliefs to the table. We have also advised him to talk to her first. Worst case, if they don't see eye to eye and can't compromise, they end the courtship.

If they agree, he updates us and we move on.

bukatyne:


@Bold:

But you can agree with other posters that reflect your beliefs and perspectives.

We will all bring our perspectives and beliefs to the table. We have also advised him to talk to her first. Worst case, if they don't see eye to eye and can't compromise, they end the courtship.

If they agree, he updates us and we move on.

Unfortunately you just defined your standpoint

Mine is and remains how he handles this situation will go a long way in what happens in his Union and he should take caution


Why you seem to be a good counsellor, rather an excellent one, you should watch out for your weakness while doing this madam