LordKO:


[s]I hope you'll direct your further mention to the stupid man and woman who brought you into this world. A typical sententious element who couldn't stomach the nonsense she spewed; it never occurs to crass and expedient elements like you that the "all stupid Nigerian men and women" comprise your fathers, mothers, siblings. etc. The Internet is a true leveller.

Bumpkins[/s].

Verbose trash as usual. I didn't bother reading your rubbish because I don't want to worsen my headache.

Stupid son of stupid parents.

.

LordKO:
Dual-earning isn't automatically the solution to his need, just as absence of it isn't the main cause of his obvious transfer of aggression. He isn't money-savvy and he doesn't have altruistic interest in his wife. He should stop the transfer of aggression with immediate effect. He went into the union with the mindset that his wife will be sharing bills with him, even though he'll deny this as evident in your submission.  He has always disingenuously wanted a wife and a woman-business-partner from one woman but it doesn't work out well like that without doing the right things from the inception. He ought to have fairly gone from the the inception for the right woman who fits his wish, secure her understanding and cedes to her.

Well, as it stands now, with the feasible option he has in hand, a simple change of thought process match with action, very difficult but possible, will do the magic for him. If I were him, I'd simply assume that money-making isn't her forte and I'll transmute the energy of wishing her to sit-up, in this regard, and devise a means to better the finance of the family for the betterment of all. Let him squash his expectations and assume responsibility of the family finances, work smarter and harder rather than working longer and harder. He should focus on being money-savvy.

Not until he's able to create a passive source of income for his family would he be entitled to arrogate money-savviness to himself or justifiably has the audacity to say that his wife isn't productive.

There's nothing bad with a wife who has passion in money-making, who's making money and is generous to her home, but a wife who doesn't have same money-making passion and ability shouldn't be treated with contempt, especially when she's neither frivolous nor insatiable nor exploitative like the woman under discussion as your submission connotes. One doesn't automatically need to have a money-making passion and ability to be counted resourceful and responsible, although a union between two people who share the same trait in this regard isn't advisable.

My personal person... Ooin you are doing well! Lol. I love this. You made lots of sense here. The other time I argued that some men hide true motives, desires and principles during courtship only to unleash them in marriage, I was almost crucified on Romance section . Op's cousin is definitely one of those men.
He should have gone for an ambitious working class woman in the first place, but he probably thought she will be "uncontrollable", so he chose one he can sway with money now the story has changed. He wants a productive goal/success driven wife in a dependent woman. Good luck to him on that. . No pity from here.

Blissquare:
Hello people. My close sousin came to me for advise but the only ideas may look harsh. I post his predicament here so that I can see neutral point of views. in his words...

I married my wife while she ran a small business of buying and selling shoes but I had no idea the actual income was so little. I am a civil servant myself but I've been able to pick up my bills with the help of my knowledge of I. T. After having 2 kids, I realised that I need more income but my wife can not afford to support in anyway. I rented her a shop and furnished to sell her shoes hoping to attract more profit but she sold many on credit and could not give account of capital. later, she got a job at a school earning 15k a month. she is so complacent because I pay all the bills. Any time that I encourage her to be more productive, it ends in arguments. I farm alongside my work and hustle but she doesn't know how to be gainfully employed. I pay for everything including my kids weaving of hair. I don't plan to shift any burden to her but I expect her to save if she is gainfully employed. This pandemic has taught me many lessons. What if I was not receiving salary? what if I die? What if her parents are sick? How can a graduate be okay not doing anything tangible. I gave her an ultimatum to think of something and I would support her but instead, she got pregnant without my consent and now has an excuse not to work for the next one year. My car has broken down for months and I could not afford to fix it. Having 3kids without a car is okay by her. If she can't work or be business savvy then why did she get pregnant against my will? Do I stop giving her food or pocket money? How do I force her to work to secure her future and her children's? There is nothing wrong in having a supportive wife. Please don't misunderstand my complaints. I have spoken to her in love and harshness but none has worked. I need a practical solution.

How did she get pregnant without your consent?

Was it an immaculate conception?

frozen70:


A woman knows her cycle better than any one and she does know how to prevent pregnancy

But in her own case, she doesn't want to be burden with family responsibilities so being pregnant at this time will make the guy to stop reminding her of her support

We have so many methods of preventing pregnancy that some of them are even natural

Assuming she is the one feeding the family, she will avoid pregnancy by all means

So you don't know that even the best protections sometimes fail?

In any case, did she get married to feed the whole family?

What if what she wants is to have all the children she needs now while she can, so she can face other things? Or does she not have the right to make such a decision because she is not feeding her family?

Is that even supposed to be her problem?

If the man really didn't want any more children, he should have taken it upon himself to make sure she didn't get pregnant by using protection. He is paying for his complacency.

MMotimo:
The problem is more complicated than getting her to earn an income.

That husband has married a woman that is comfortable with poverty and lack. Women like that do not see a connection between their financial contributions and the family’s wellbeing. The husband is probably going to carry the burden all the days of their matrimony. It does not sound like she has any appreciation nor understanding of the term “financial comfort.” Such women only focus on child bearing and she’s probably not done with that yet so brace yourself for more kids.

You can be lazy and still seek financial comfort by focusing on managing your resources. She’s not interested in contributing income nor managing resources. A woman like that can condemn you to a lifetime of poverty. Even if you start up another business for her, it is unlikely to be successful. You can’t force drive and self love. She’s either born with it or has a desire to develop it.

For the sake of your children, you need to figure out something fast because God forbid something happens to you, they are likely to suffer.

When you get married, you may discover a lot of things about your spouse that you probably never even knew. What you to in such situation is to take the initiative to ensure they don't drag you down with them.

People are who they are, and just like you said the lady is comfortable with lack. There are people like that and there's not much you can do to change them.

What this man should have done is to make sure she doesn't get pregnant anymore, untill she begins to contribute. Either by forcing her to get an implant, or by using condoms all the time.

Coming here to blame her is just plain irresponsible.

Palema007:
My personal person... Ooin you are doing well! Lol. I love this. You made lots of sense here. The other time I argued that some men hide true motives, desires and principles during courtship only to unleash them in marriage, I was almost crucified on Romance section . Op's cousin is definitely one of those men.
He should have gone for a working class woman in the first place, but he probably thought she will be "uncontrollable", so he chose one he can sway with money now the story has changed. He wants a productive goal/success driven wife in a dependent woman. Good luck to him on that. . No pity from here.

Most men and women are culpable of the offense because it isn't exclusive to the male gender. In fact, it's more prevalent among my dear female gender. Good thing is that a discerning person will always see through such glossed intentions.

By the way, the wife and woman-business-partner in one woman doesn't automatically mean every working class woman. A woman from strong ethical leanings turns wife will remain the same whether she's working class or not and doesn't need to be controlled or uncontrolled to take to conscientiousness. So, there's nothing to cede to a true wife, a conscientious wife, provided that the husband is equally a true husband. A working class woman doesn't have value more than a non-working class woman. Only a conscientious woman is valuable than any other woman, as far as I'm concerned, whether she's working class or not.

The wife and woman-business-partner in one woman in the context I used it isn't from a strong ethical leanings.

Na the get pregnant without my consent I no understand.You mean you nut in her and in your mind say don't get pregnant o?smh

Klass99:
Even before I finished reading the original post, I instinctively sensed that the woman in this story will get pregnant to avoid the responsibility of hustling for a better income.

Another nairalander complained bitterly about his wife's lackadaisical attitude to work, professional and personal development. When he urged her to improve herself and upgrade her earning ability, she responded by getting pregnant to avoid financial responsibility. Why do some women do this?

They use pregnancy as a crutch to get out of situations they don't like. This is just plain laziness and folly to me, do they ever stop to think about what may happen if their husbands die or become handicapped and can no longer provide, like before?

But pregnancy and childbirth can be very very difficult. I don’t understand the logic.

LordKO:


Most men and women are culpable of the offense, so it isn't exclusive to the male gender. In fact, it's more prevalent among my dear female gender. Good thing is that a discernment person will always see through such glossed intentions.

By the way, the wife and woman-business-partner in one woman doesn't automatically mean every working class woman. A woman from strong ethical leanings turns wife will remain the same whether she's working class or not and doesn't need to be controlled or uncontrolled to take to conscientiousness. So, there's nothing to cede to a true wife, a conscientious wife, provided that the husband is equally a true husband. A working class woman doesn't have value more than a non-working class woman.

The wife and woman-business-partner in one woman in the context I used it isn't from a strong ethical leanings.

Lol but this topic is about a Man (Op's cousin), don't get triggered. When it's about a woman, I'd type the same because yes like you have typed deceit is not gender base. Well it's one thing to be business oriented, it's another to be a 9-5 working class but completely different to be success driven/ambitious. I modified, Op's cousin should have gone for the latter not one who feels comfortable with her stipends. A working class has more values than non working depending on what is perceived as values which is relative. If your hypothesis is true, the Op's cousin wouldn't be complaining. He needs productivity which is a value to him.

In all, may I point out that you are seeing things from a subjective perspective i.e the doer of the action (woman) and not from objective perspective i.e The recipient of the action.

Palema007:
Lol but this topic is about a Man (Op's cousin), don't get triggered. When it's about a woman, I'd type the same because yes like you have typed deceit is not gender base. Well it's one thing to be business oriented, it's another to be a 9-5 working class but completely different to be success driven/ambitious. I modified, Op's causing should have gone for the latter not one who feels comfortable with her stipends. A working class has more values than non working depending on what is perceived as values which is relative. If your hypothesis is true, the Op's cousin wouldn't be complaining. He needs productivity which is a value to him.

In all, may I point out that you are seeing things from a subjective perspective i.e the doer of the action (woman) and not from objective perspective i.e The recipient of the action.

I operate in a world where principle reigns supreme over expediency; so, I always find it offensive wherever I hear someone says woman T (or man T) is more valuable than woman A just because she is directly more economically successful than woman A. Don't twist the narrative further before I vex for you.

cococandy:


But pregnancy and childbirth can be very very difficult. I don’t understand the logic.

Most people who talk like that have never been pregnant. That's why they think pregnancy is a walk in the park.

LordKO:


Most men and women are culpable of the offense, because it isn't exclusive to the male gender. In fact, it's more prevalent among my dear female gender. Good thing is that a discerning person will always see through such glossed intentions.

By the way, the wife and woman-business-partner in one woman doesn't automatically mean every working class woman. A woman from strong ethical leanings turns wife will remain the same whether she's working class or not and doesn't need to be controlled or uncontrolled to take to conscientiousness. So, there's nothing to cede to a true wife, a conscientious wife, provided that the husband is equally a true husband. A working class woman doesn't have value more than a non-working class woman. Only a conscientious woman is valuable than any other woman, as far as I'm concerned, whether she's working class or not.

The wife and woman-business-partner in one woman in the context I used it isn't from a strong ethical leanings.

You must be living in some kind of fantasy world you created for yourself.

Ever heard of the saying that 'power corrupts, and absolutely power corrupts absolutely'? Most times people do it unconsciously. All it takes for a person (man or woman) to exploit the other is to be fully responsible for that person financially. Money gives voice, let's not pretend otherwise.

I can be the most "submissive" wife and still get exploited because I'm solely dependent. Let's not confuse things.

That's why the really proud men will never marry a working class woman, just like the OP . . No matter how 'conscientious' she is. The problem is when reality hits, and the hunger becomes greater than their pride, they start regretting their decision.

LordKO:


I operate in a world where principle reigns supreme over expediency; so, I always find it offensive wherever I hear someone says woman T (or man T) is more valuable than woman A just because she is directly more economically successful than woman A. Don't twist the narrative further, before I vex for you.

Yes, well tell that to the man who can't feed his family with his own income alone.

LordKO:


I operate in a world where principle reigns supreme over expediency; so, I always find it offensive wherever I hear someone says woman T (or man T) is more valuable than woman A just because she is directly more economically successful than woman A. Don't twist the narrative further, before I vex for you.

It isn't expediency when one think something or someone is better if whoever is doing the comparison sees value in one than the other. Come off it! Like I typed earlier it depends on what is perceived as value!


Na you dey change the "meat of your argument nah" , no be me. . My point is in Op's situation, he values productivity which makes woman T more valuable than woman A as your analogy implies.

truthsayer009:
Thanks for the explanation @frozen70

See Miss/Mrs LadySarah, there are two types of Women, those who tell themselves the truth & those who don't. The story OP narrated is clear enough.

She started a business & couldn't even maintain it. She is comfortable with a 15k job as a teacher? C'MON! Be honest with yourself na. At least for once, leave this Always support Women no matter what campaign. Habba, Fear God ma, Fear God.

He already said below that he encourages her & she flares up. She's not ready.

Any time that I encourage her to be more productive, it ends in arguments. I farm alongside my work and hustle but she doesn't know how to be gainfully employed.

I.T personell + Farmer, he has tried, please.

A man, a full-blooded man, is working as a civil servant. Do you know how irritating that is? Yet, he doesn't even have a big supporting business, he is doing backyard farming.

I'm sure the IT he is referring to is photocopying and scanning. Because if it was real IT, he will ask his wife to become a full housewife.

Yet, he has the effrontery to call someone unproductive.

.

...

frozen70:


Now is the time to stamp your feet on the ground and take a decision that will favour the family on the long run

Allow her to put to bed successfully and start introducing a new system that will make her seat up

Be the one and be ready to pick what is needed at home

Stop giving her excess allowance and start saving toward buying a land

The less money she gets from you the more she will start thinking of her tomorrow

Stop telling her to get something doing, if she is smart she will read the hand writing on the wall

After this child birth, warn her not to become pregnant again and if she does, you will return her to her parents and start another life where you can live with a woman who is ready to obey you and make sure you warn her in the presence of her immediate family

You have to be serious with your decisions and actions

When a woman is not really ready to assist her husband in contributing to the house keep, she is not interested in running the home and that means so much burden on the man

God forbid the man is gone, she will be as useless as letter K in knicker and you know what that means

Be strict wit

The OP is talking about the woman in the family here and not the man, and you are opining he threatens her with separation? No na.

Even the biblical injunction concerning taking responsibilities for a home rests upon the shoulders of the man. I am not encouraging her being lazy at all, but he's taking it too far.

The man can look for a space for her where he is working or take her CV and help in applying for jobs on her behalf if she isn't doing well in business. She is his wife, a part of him and his responsibility.

UjuJoan2:


You must be living in some kind of fantasy world you created for yourself.

Ever heard of the saying that 'power corrupts, and absolutely power corrupts absolutely'? Most times people do it unconsciously. All it takes for a person (man or woman) to exploit the other is to be fully responsible for that person financially. Money gives voice, let's not pretend otherwise.

I can be the most "submissive" wife and still get exploited because I'm solely dependent. Let's not confuse things.

That's why the really proud men will never marry a working class woman, just like the OP . . No matter how 'conscientious' she is. The problem is when reality hits, and the hunger becomes greater than their pride, they start regretting their decision.

Ujujoan! If you see as this your name de always sweet me eh, lol. But come, you don't know the literal meaning of the axiom because you stated it incorrectly. "Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely."

At the risk of sounding immodest, you're actually trying sell a facade to someone who has almost seen it all from some of the most successful and elegantly made women you could ever imagine. Once more, a woman from strong ethical leanings, a conscientious woman (human being), doesn't change to a crass and expedient woman because of success or lack of it.

LordKO:
Dual-earning isn't automatically the solution to his need, just as absence of it isn't the main cause of his obvious transfer of aggression. He isn't money-savvy and he doesn't have altruistic interest in his wife. He should stop the transfer of aggression with immediate effect. He went into the union with the mindset that his wife will be sharing bills with him, even though he'll deny this as evident in your submission.  He has always disingenuously wanted a wife and a woman-business-partner from one woman but it doesn't work out well like that without doing the right things from the inception. He ought to have fairly gone from the the inception for the right woman who fits his wish, secure her understanding and cedes to her.

Well, as it stands now, with the feasible option he has in hand, a simple change of thought process match with action, very difficult but possible, will do the magic for him. If I were him, I'd simply assume that money-making isn't her forte and I'll transmute the energy of wishing her to sit-up, in this regard, and devise a means to better the finance of the family for the betterment of all. Let him squash his expectations and assume responsibility of the family finances, work smarter and harder rather than working longer and harder. He should focus on being money-savvy.

Not until he's able to create a passive source of income for his family would he be entitled to arrogate money-savviness to himself or justifiably has the audacity to say that his wife isn't productive.

There's nothing bad with a wife who has passion in money-making, who's making money and is generous to her home, but a wife who doesn't have same money-making passion and ability shouldn't be treated with contempt, especially when she's neither frivolous nor insatiable nor exploitative like the woman under discussion as your submission connotes. One doesn't automatically need to have a money-making passion and ability to be counted resourceful and responsible, although a union between two people who share the same trait in this regard isn't advisable.

Blissquare this is apt. Please give it a thought and convey it to the man in question.

UjuJoan2:


You must be living in some kind of fantasy world you created for yourself.

Ever heard of the saying that 'power corrupts, and absolutely power corrupts absolutely'? Most times people do it unconsciously. All it takes for a person (man or woman) to exploit the other is to be fully responsible for that person financially. Money gives voice, let's not pretend otherwise.

I can be the most "submissive" wife and still get exploited because I'm solely dependent. Let's not confuse things.

That's why the really proud men will never marry a working class woman, just like the OP . . No matter how 'conscientious' she is. The problem is when reality hits, and the hunger becomes greater than their pride, they start regretting their decision.

The op wasn't aware that the income from his wife's shoe business was low until Marriage which means he didn't care. He saw her as someone he can afford, so he had no business with how much she earns until reality sets in.

I've seen many guys on this forum with that 'i will and can provide all' ideology. To them, when a woman contributes financially it limits their chances to absolute control. And I ask what's ego compared to better well being and longer life span? I just laugh. Thing is there isn't really much Op's cousin can do, because that woman will never change if she doesn't see the need to. It's all on her.

frozen70:


Now is the time to stamp your feet on the ground and take a decision that will favour the family on the long run

Allow her to put to bed successfully and start introducing a new system that will make her seat up

Be the one and be ready to pick what is needed at home

Stop giving her excess allowance and start saving toward buying a land

The less money she gets from you the more she will start thinking of her tomorrow

Stop telling her to get something doing, if she is smart she will read the hand writing on the wall

After this child birth, warn her not to become pregnant again and if she does, you will return her to her parents and start another life where you can live with a woman who is ready to obey you and make sure you warn her in the presence of her immediate family

You have to be serious with your decisions and actions

When a woman is not really ready to assist her husband in contributing to the house keep, she is not interested in running the home and that means so much burden on the man

God forbid the man is gone, she will be as useless as letter K in knicker and you know what that means

Be strict with the money you are giving her

She'll drain his energy. That's how she was raised. She can't hustle or sustain business. She's better left alone. Believe me, those set of women are the most ungrateful.

Palema007:
It isn't expediency when one think something or someone is better if whoever is doing the comparison sees value in one than the other. Come off it! Like I typed earlier it depends on what is perceived as value!


Na you dey change the "meat of your argument nah" , no be me. . My point is in Op's situation, he values productivity which makes woman T more valuable than woman A as your analogy implies.

Trouble maker! Keep changing the meat of your argument while I prepare a hot e-slap for you.

LordKO:


Trouble maker! Keep changing the meat of your argument while I prepare a hot e-slap for you.

I hear you nah, give Op's cousin a productive wife, then come back to ask him if a working class woman is not better than non working class. Then you will understand all I've been trying to pass across. You are only seeing things from your own reality but we that know how things are in Naija knows better.

betterbest:


She'll drain his energy. That's how she was raised. She can't hustle or sustain business. She's better left alone. Believe me, those set of women are the most ungrateful.

The guy should just go and look for more sources of income. He has entered it already. I pity him though.

betterbest:


She'll drain his energy. That's how she was raised. She can't hustle or sustain business. She's better left alone. Believe me, those set of women are the most ungrateful.

Lol
Honestly you have really explained the true picture

VLTA:


The OP is talking about the woman in the family here and not the man, and you are opining he threatens her with separation? No na.

Even the biblical injunction concerning taking responsibilities for a home rests upon the shoulders of the man. I am not encouraging her being lazy at all, but he's taking it too far.

The man can look for a space for her where he is working or take her CV and help in applying for jobs on her behalf if she isn't doing well in business. She is his wife, a part of him and his responsibility.

The word you regard as separation was used as a threat if she becomes pregnant again, considering their financial situation at the moment

Did you read where the op said that, she purposely took in

Nooil:


A man, a full-blooded man, is working as a civil servant. Do you know how irritating that is? Yet, he doesn't even have a big supporting business, he is doing backyard farming.

I'm sure the IT he is referring to is photocopying and scanning. Because if it was real IT, he will ask his wife to become a full housewife.

Yet, he has the effrontery to call someone unproductive.

I don't understand what you are trying to explain here

UjuJoan2:


So you don't know that even the best protections sometimes fail?

In any case, did she get married to feed the whole family?

What if what she wants is to have all the children she needs now while she can, so she can face other things? Or does she not have the right to make such a decision because she is not feeding her family?

Is that even supposed to be her problem?

If the man really didn't want any more children, he should have taken it upon himself to make sure she didn't get pregnant by using protection. He is paying for his complacency.

You have said what you think it should be

When you get in to family ways, you will understand better

No one said she should feed the family

If she doesn't have the sense of supporting her husband, let her not feel bad if the husband doesn't support her

A woman that doesn't want to take in knows her way around it.

Pregnancy and child birth are not easy tasks... AGREED but it shouldn't automatically make a woman a Liability.

The husband is obviously trying , taking on different jobs to sustain the family and all the woman has to offer is pregnancy?

Really?

It doesn't have to get to the point of sharing bills ,but waiting for your husband before your kids make hair,to buy gas,cable subscription , prolly down to buying her pads is making yourself a very annoying Liability.


What happens after she gives birth and the issue comes up again,she gets pregnant again? .

A lazy,cunny, unsupportive and unmotivated spouse is the fastest lane down the drain.

Let's call a spade a spade!

Tiresome thread, tiresome responses.

Does anyone actually have a real solution on how to make the wife more driven to earn money for herself, or is it a fool's errand and there's no hope anymore?